So on to the good news, my weigh in isn’t until friday, but I decided to peak just to see if I was making any progress.  My starting weight was 150.2 lbs, and tonight I weighed 147 lbs!!!! On top of that today was the dreaded first day of that time of the month, so I’m already bloated, and retaining water, and I’ve always gained a few pounds during this lovely time of the month.  Also I got on the scale at like 10pm after eating and drinking.  I normally get on the scale first thing in the morning before I have anything in my system, so if everything goes well I could have a pretty good first weigh in!!!  Though I know it’s mainly water weight, I would love to see 144 solely because latelt i have been able to see anything under 145lbs.  If I do get to 144 it would be nice but if not thats ok too, cause I know I will eventually see it

I feel completely lost, and ashamed of myself, I worked so hard to get down to 137lbs, which has been my lowest weight since trying to lose, and to weigh in the morning at 150.2 lbs is just a slap in the face.  I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I feel like I don’t even know what to do, or where to start up again.  I know I have a ton of motivation, I want to look better, I want to feel good about myself, I want to have clothes that fit right, and I want to be at a healthy weight, but for the life of me, I keep screwing up. 

I know I’m eating too much at work, but for the life of me I just keep doing it, I eat until I’m stuffed, and then I feel guilty, and say I won’t do it again, and then the next day, it happens all over again.  For awhile my sister was trying to lose weight, but then she pretty much stopped, and my mom, doesn’t try either.  I want to lose weight, and be heathy, but no accountability. 

I can’t describe and or understand why I gorge myself during lunch time at work. My students eat their lunch, and I take whats left over, the other day it was chicken nuggets, and I easily ate 10-12 chicken nuggets, not to mention rice, and canned peaches.  Other times it’s 10-12 fish sticks, and mashed potatoes, and pineapples.  When I’m at home I like to think I have self control, unless it’s sweets, I can come home on my break and be stressed, and without even thinking, eat a big bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup.  Living in Arizona doesn’t help that at all especially since it’s generally 110 degrees out every day, and ice cream always sounds so refreshing, but I know it’s not good to eat it all the time, and especially eat that much, but again I do it without thinking beforehand, and then I feel guilty later on.

As for my clothes, I wear a uniform for work, thats a little big, so I forget about my real clothes, and then the weekend comes and I’m stuck trying to find something that fits.  I won’t expose my arms or nor will I wear shorts, so I’m left with jeans, capris, and t shirts, or a sports jersey, over a t shirt.  I’m tired of not being able to dress trendy, because I have to cover up my love handles, and my big butt.  I’m tired of not being able to wear shorts, because my thighs rub together, and my legs just look awful, because of the fat on my inner knees looks like it hangs over the side of my calf. I’m tired of not being able to wear my form fitting shirts, because I know every time I move the shirt rises, and I have to constantly pull it down, so my love handles aren’t showing. Or because I know when I sit down I’ll have a huge roll in the front.  I’m just tired of it all, I want to finally be able to comitt to a program, get rid of my bad habits and finally succeed.

All I can do, is hope that weight watchers works for me.

My frustration is, that I’m on my feet and moving around, lifting kids, most of the day at work, in addition to that I’m working out outside of work, watching my portions when I eat, but I’ll get on the scale and still see 150. Granted, it’s thursday and my weigh in day is not until monday, but I don’t understand how I was 146.4 on Monday and then I got on the scale tonight and I was 150.  It just feels like a never ending battle, like no matter what I’m destined to be 40 lbs overweight. 

This is why I always give up, because I work so hard, and then see the number going higher, not dropping.  It just makes me wonder why I even bother trying to lose weight at all?????

My biggest challenge right now is trying to get past that self doubt.  it’s generally right about now that I’ll get on the scale and not see a huge change, or look in the mirror, and only see what I don’t like, and then I’ll give up.  I’m going to try to focus on pushing past those negative feelings, and keep telling myself it can be done

As for my working out,  I’m still going strong, and trying to get in my cardio, I’m walking on the treadmill, and doing turbo jam, and plan to hopefully start getting back in the gym and getting on the elliptical, so we’ll see how that goes.  My diet is still a problem, but if anything I’ve just changed my portion sizes, and made a few changes in what I choose to eat.  The other day my mom and sister wanted taco bell, and I declined and had a salad instead!!  I try to make lunch my biggest meal of the day which is working out pretty good.  It’s all about having self control, and I’m working on it!!

It’s weird how fast strength training works, it’s been about three weeks of really watching what I eat and working out, but this past week, I noticed more toning in my legs, and a little bit in my abs. I tried on a pair of pants that are too small for me a few weeks ago, and I plan to use those to gauge my success, because I feel like the scale can be a little deceiving especially when you’re lifting weights, hopefully in a few weeks they’ll start to fit a little better!

But I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the scale is nice to me tomorrow!!!

One of the pages in the book talked about how we shouldn’t eat too many sweets because you could gain too much weight….that page alone hit me hard.  Looking back in my eating habits, sweet have ALWAYS been an issue.  As a child I’d stay home when my parents went to the store just so I could sneak ice cream. I used to hide brownies in my room, for  “later” but couldn’t think about anything other than those brownies, so before I knew it, it was gone.  I won’t lie, sweets weren’t the only issue, my portions have been an issue, the type of foods I eat have always been an issue, my lack of exercise, has always been an issue…….ugh I’m starting to ramble now, but the point is, here I am reading to my 3 year olds and stressing the important of living a healthy lifestyle, and it it almost seems like I’m contradicting myself.

But the good in this, is that I realize this, and as if I didn’t have enough motivation to get in shape before, I have even more motivation now, because I want to be someone my students look up to, I want to practice what I preach, not tell them the importance of it, and then in the same breath turn around and eat a huge bowl of ice cream….my actions no longer just affect me, they affect those that look up to me as well.

I didn’t workout at much as i had planned last night, but I did manage to do pilates, and tonight will be cardio, depending on what time I get out of my work meeting I might go to the gym and if not that I’ll get on the treadmill.  The only big challenge tonight will be that my job is providing dinner for the meeting, and more than likely it’ll be pizza, I made good food choices so far to accomodate for that, but if the meeting is only an hour like it’s suppose to be, I might skip the food all together and eat something when I get home.

So we’ll see how it goes, I’ve suprised myself up to this point!!

I also plan to take my journal with me, and no matter what it is, or how healthy it is, I will write down every last thing that goes into my mouth.  By now I know the issue is my eating, but I really need to pinpoint what is going on there, if I’m eating too many sweets, too many carb etc……

I didn’t work out this morning, but I definately plan to work out this evening, I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet, but it will more than likely be cardio

I really want this to be the LAST time, I attempt to lose these extra 37 lbs, all I can do is trust that it can be done with hard work and a lot of will power and drive.  I ate healthy pretty much all weekend, and today I got back on the treadmill, and starting tomorrow I hope to really get this started, and I hope writing a daily entry, will keep myself motivated to eat clean throughout the day and workout at least 3-5 times a week.

Tomorrow morning I will weigh in to find out where i am weight wise and I will write out my goals from there!!