Well after yet another gain, I broke down and signed up for weight watchers online.  I would have rather signed up for weight watchers meetings, but the only meeting close takes place at 5:00pm and 6:00pm and I don’t get off work until 6:30, so it won’t work.  I’m allowed 24 points per day. So far I’ve only had a bowl of oatmeal, which was 3 points, and I’m taking cold water everywhere I go. 

I feel completely lost, and ashamed of myself, I worked so hard to get down to 137lbs, which has been my lowest weight since trying to lose, and to weigh in the morning at 150.2 lbs is just a slap in the face.  I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I feel like I don’t even know what to do, or where to start up again.  I know I have a ton of motivation, I want to look better, I want to feel good about myself, I want to have clothes that fit right, and I want to be at a healthy weight, but for the life of me, I keep screwing up. 

I know I’m eating too much at work, but for the life of me I just keep doing it, I eat until I’m stuffed, and then I feel guilty, and say I won’t do it again, and then the next day, it happens all over again.  For awhile my sister was trying to lose weight, but then she pretty much stopped, and my mom, doesn’t try either.  I want to lose weight, and be heathy, but no accountability. 

I can’t describe and or understand why I gorge myself during lunch time at work. My students eat their lunch, and I take whats left over, the other day it was chicken nuggets, and I easily ate 10-12 chicken nuggets, not to mention rice, and canned peaches.  Other times it’s 10-12 fish sticks, and mashed potatoes, and pineapples.  When I’m at home I like to think I have self control, unless it’s sweets, I can come home on my break and be stressed, and without even thinking, eat a big bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup.  Living in Arizona doesn’t help that at all especially since it’s generally 110 degrees out every day, and ice cream always sounds so refreshing, but I know it’s not good to eat it all the time, and especially eat that much, but again I do it without thinking beforehand, and then I feel guilty later on.

As for my clothes, I wear a uniform for work, thats a little big, so I forget about my real clothes, and then the weekend comes and I’m stuck trying to find something that fits.  I won’t expose my arms or nor will I wear shorts, so I’m left with jeans, capris, and t shirts, or a sports jersey, over a t shirt.  I’m tired of not being able to dress trendy, because I have to cover up my love handles, and my big butt.  I’m tired of not being able to wear shorts, because my thighs rub together, and my legs just look awful, because of the fat on my inner knees looks like it hangs over the side of my calf. I’m tired of not being able to wear my form fitting shirts, because I know every time I move the shirt rises, and I have to constantly pull it down, so my love handles aren’t showing. Or because I know when I sit down I’ll have a huge roll in the front.  I’m just tired of it all, I want to finally be able to comitt to a program, get rid of my bad habits and finally succeed.

All I can do, is hope that weight watchers works for me.