It’s interesting that the more I lose weight the more I want to take care of myself and make myself look the best I can. I just got contacts. I really like them. I went running tonight and when I came in my eyes didn’t fog up like my glasses do. It was cool! I like how I look. My sister saw me this past weekend for the first time in a long time. She said I didn’t look like myself. Not that that’s bad, in fact it’s good. It’s funny. When she is losing weight and looking good I’m sitting around getting fat. When I’m losing weight. well… I wish we could get it together so we could trade clothes again. And we could wow everyone around us and be an inspiration together.
I asked my brothers if we were going to Havasupai. They haven’t said anything to me. I think I’ll just plan on going without them. I’ll get a few of Melody’s friends and maybe Melody and Melissa and Miranda and go. The boys can have their “Boys Only” hike and we’ll have fun without them.
Posted on November 25th, 2008 by writermom46
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Stress levels are way up. Depressing thoughts are swirling. Everything is hard. Life sucks worse than a vacuum. Welcome to the holidays. I’m looking forward to the school district’s annual “Healthy Holidays”. It keeps me on track and so I don’t overeat or eat the wrong things. It helps me keep track of exercise and food. One year we kept track of how much water we drank (never enough). Another year it was how much fat we ate. Another year it was something else healthy. I wonder what it will be this year. It is always hard to stay on plan and remember to exercise when stress levels are so high. Work sucks royally. I can’t seem to please anyone, especially the ones who count. I don’t know if I ever will be able to please them. So I’m in a morass that seems to have no end. When I get to this point thoughts of work consume me and I lose balance in my life. I hate losing balance. I really want to keep focus where it belongs when it belongs there.
Posted on November 16th, 2008 by writermom46
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In my head I know what I need to do. In my heart I am still telling myself it won’t work. I know that I need to substitute eating for emotional reasons for other healthy activities that give me the same emotional benefits, or better ones even. I can’t figure out what would work better than eating. It’s been there my entire life and it’s not going away. I have to eat to live. I wish this addiction was like some of the others. You can quit drugs, smoking, drinking, cold turkey. It’s hard and feels like impossible but it won’t kill you. It just feels like it. Quitting eating will kill me. Eating for emotional reasons can kill me in the long run too. I just don’t know what to do. I know I have to change my attitudes but I don’t know if I am ready to do it. It’s not immediately evident that my unhealthy relationship with food will kill me. But I know in the end it will if I don’t learn to change it. I have been emotionally deprived my entire life. I don’t even know what I need or how to get it. I have a husband who wants to love me but doesn’t know how to show it. I’m afraid to ask him to show it. I have children, siblings, parents who all love me but don’t know how to show it. Does anyone really know how to show love? What do I need? I guess I need to find out.
Posted on November 10th, 2008 by writermom46
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Today is my 47th birthday and I am so proud of me. I set a goal to have lost twenty pounds by my birthday. This meant I had to lose seven pounds in two weeks. After meticulous count of calories and working my tailbone off exercising six days a week, I did it. I look so good. And I feel FABULOUS! I am a beautiful princess for Halloween and I feel it. My sister-in-law loaned me a dress she wore in high school as part of my costume. It fit a teeny bit tight but it fit and I’m comfortable and I’m excited for reaching more goals. Next goal is Onederland by Thanksgiving. That’s seven pounds and twenty-seven days away. I can do it. I was going to say, “No sweat.” but I know it will take sweat. I love to sweat.
Posted on October 31st, 2008 by writermom46
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I made a discovery these past three or four days. I’ve eaten like there was nothing else to do. I ate when I was avoiding doing what I needed to do. I ate when I was stressed. I ate just because there was food out. I ate because if I ate then the food would be gone and I wouldn’t be tempted any more. I ate because “just one won’t hurt me.”I ate because I was tired beyond belief. I ate for all the wrong reasons. I ate like a fat woman on a diet who fell off the wagon. I discovered I don’t know how to eat like a thin person. I have always eaten as an emotional release and as an avoidance routine. I treat myself as a child who has to be told no and not as an adult who can have a healthy relationship with food. Food is a physical fuel not an emotional fuel. But no matter how long I an “good” I still have the same relationship with food. What are the attitudes of a thin person? What are the priorities? How do I change my attitudes and priorities? I need therapy.
Posted on October 18th, 2008 by writermom46
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I love hiking. I love being out in nature and making my body move and keep moving even though the hill is tough, the terrain rough, and I feel like I’ve had enough. Jet and I hiked the water tower hill five times yesterday. Granted it only takes ten minutes round trip. But by the time we were coming down the fifth time my poor dog was lagging behind with his tongue hanging to his knees. I, on the other hand, didn’t feel the effects of the climb until later in the day. I still am hobbling a little. In a few weeks I’m doing a 4.2 mile uphill to see if I’m almost ready for Havasupai. I am soooooo looking forward to it.
Posted on September 28th, 2008 by writermom46
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Okay I just got back from the best hike of my life. I went with my oldest and her friend. This friend hikes regularly with his family and his family free climbs and I’m just a beginner here. He tried to take us up a pretty steep hill we turned around because I got scared. Then later I suggested a hill that looked easy. HA! I ended up crawling up the hill grabbing onto bushes and I cut my hand and skinned my knee. IT was GREAT! I was scared because If I fell it would have done some real damage. I learned that I had to focus on what I was doing and not on the fact that I could slide a hundred feet and break something. It was quite the adrenaline rush. I can hardly wait to do it again.
Posted on September 13th, 2008 by writermom46
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I’m actually getting around to revamping my diet and exercise and I think I’m going to like what I’m doing. Monday-Wednesday-Friday I’m swimming and lifting weights with my legs. Tuesday-Thursday-Saturday I’m hiking/walking and lifting weights with my upper body. I bought some five pound weights (surprisingly heavy for my weak arms) and I’m ready to roll. Except, of course, my TOM showed up this morning. I haven’t figured out an exercise to replace swimming for a week yet. My brothers are planning a backpacking trip this spring to Havasupai (maybe I’ve mentioned it before). Sam told Paul I wanted to come and Paul’s reply was “She better get into shape.” I said “Duh.” My plan is to lose as much weight as my pack is probably going to weigh. I figure about fifty pounds. I also know I have to climb ladders up and/or down cliffs so I’m going to practice that–Climbing ladders I mean. I should be ready for it. If I get moving right now.
Posted on September 1st, 2008 by writermom46
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I have visited my blog several times in the past few weeks but I’ve been so tired and discouraged I didn’t want to write. I am at the lowest weight I’ve been in a lot of years. The last time I lost weight this is where I got stuck and then I started to gain weight. I don’t want to gain anything but I’ve had a rough couple of days and have eaten way too much. I haven’t binged. I hope I’ve got the binging under control. But definitely off plan. I wonder if It’s time to look at what I eat and in what amount and do some tweaking. I think about people who manage to maintain their weight in a healthy range and I wonder what they do naturally that I don’t do and if I will ever will be able to do it naturally. I will probably have to write down everything I eat and drink and make sure I mindfully exercise. I will have to work at this the rest of my life. I suppose there are worse things. I just feel so discouraged right now.
Posted on August 24th, 2008 by writermom46
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Frequency of my bogs is going to slow down now as I am back at work after summer vacation. I still wish I could get paid to do what I want, when I want, but I guess that’s what retirement is for. I don’t know if I will ever retire but that’s another discussion for another day. I’ve been working hard on exercise this week and I lost two pounds. I can feel it in my clothes, this summer’s weight loss I mean. I haven’t worn most of them since last spring and I felt a difference when I started wearing my work clothes. They are looser and flatter me more. I can hardly wait to have to get new clothes. Give me a month or two. I won’t bother with a new wardrobe to start school with now. I’ll wait for a size smaller.
Posted on August 9th, 2008 by writermom46
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