For the past two days I have let the monster win.  The stresses from work, my son, and home bore down on me like a freight train and I gave in.  I ate things I knew I shouldn’t have and eventhough I didn’t enjoy them I kept shoveling it down.  I had a long talk with my husband and I feel better about some things so the monster is, for now, back in the pit.  Now I have to find a way past the guilt of binging.  I haven’t dare step on the scale for fear I’m back where I started again. 

As you may have already read, my good friend Larry lost his battle with cancer last Monday.  On Saturday my husband and I went the his “Celebration of life” ceremony since Larry was pretty adamant about not having a funeral (that’s just the type of person he was.)  It was a beautiful service and a wonderful tribute to Larry.  There came a part of the service where the pastor told the story about Larry and a rock.  You see there was a church service they attended 6 years ago and the pastor handed a basket of rocks through the congregation and told them, without looking, to choose a rock.  On that rock was a word and that word was a gift from God and that this is what that person needed most in their life. Larry got “patience.”  He carried that rock with him at all times for 6 years, even after the word had long since faded away, and it was with him when he died.   Oh gosh what a powerful thought!!  That day the pastor had another basket of rocks and invited the attendees to come and choose a gift from God.  Mine was “HOPE.”

Not only do I have to put up with the usual stresses that cmoe with a job but now people are bringing desserts.  Yesterday it was double layer chocolate cake, day before that:pecan tarts, and now today donuts…lots and lots of donuts.  I walked/ran at lunchtime today for the entire 30 minutes and someone has the nerve to bring donuts.  It’s hard enough to stay away from the vending machines with it’s salty contents and the bags of cheez-its just taunting me but this is worse because it’s free and just layed out for anyone to grab and enjoy.   UGHHHHHH

So I went to the mall yesterday and for grins and giggles I tried on a few things since they were on sale. I have very few clothes at home that I think fit ok and I’m comfortable wearing so I was looking to suppliment a little. Nothing fit! I’m talking size 14 and 16 wouldn’t even zip and I have those at home.  I just wanted to cry and say screw it, why bother and eat something.  I didn’t.  I took my youngest’s school supplies to his new classroom and met the teacher then went home to make dinner, Jambalaya.  Since this has rice in it I was going to eat some sausage and an egg but I was still feeling thoroghly disgusted with myself and my body that I lost my appetite.  My husband ended up fixing me a scramble for dinner since me insists that I have to eat something. I wasn’t even hungry but it made him happy.  We went for a walk after dinner.  It was nice to get out but gosh it was muggy.

I did not handle things well when I got home last night.  Little one was all over the place and acting up and I lost just could not seem to keep from getting really angry so I hit the way to make a point and bruised my finger. I was serving out the spaghetti at the time and it was weird because I had never wanted junk so badly at that moment but I had absolutely no desire to eat.  In fact the idea was nauseating and I only ate dinner because my husband would have been upset if I didn’t.  I know I need to find a way to get a handle on this stress or I’m going to go nuts.  I walked a little today and that seemed to help.  Maybe there is something to this “exercise will make you feel better” thing.  I’m going to try and get a half hour in a lunch if it doesn’t storm.  Couldn’t hurt.

There is a monster that lives within me that constantly tells me to give up and just accept that I’m never going to lose the weight.  I assume this will be a never ending battle.  Last night my child had a manic episode and I blew my top.  It was too much at the moment so I grabbed my car keys and left the house. My mind was racing with a millions thoughts then the monster appeared.  “Get ice cream” “go to Starbucks and get a cookie” “how bout stuffing your face with fries?” I wanted all of these at that moment but in reality I knew it wouldn’t make me feel better.  If I had gone with one of those choices I would have inhaled it and not tasted it, not enjoyed it; then I would have felt guilty about binging and the cycle would begin all over again. My son was already calm by the time I arrived at the house which helped a lot so I ate dinner and snuggled on the couch with my family.  I will admit i still wanted to gorge on junk.  My husband and I even started the “I could really go for a…” game.  We started off with double stuff oreos which lead to doritos and cheez-its then back to oreos again.  We laughed about it as we ate some almonds and watched Andrew Zimmern eat some of the nastiest foods on earth (the one in Morocco is our favorite and I still want to go even though I’m not sure what the hell I’m going to eat when I get there).  A couple of sugarfree popsicles later and the crisis was averted.

The monster lost that night!

Today was so hard!! I managed to fend off not only the Jolly Rancher junkie but the “I only have a couple of mini cookies left do you want them” co-worker (Gilbert you are evil!!!) as well. I so wanted a cookie but a kind team mate of mine claimed them for herself (thank you Diane). Add this to my level of stress and I can admit the monster fought me ever step of the way. I had to endure added projects to my already overburdened plate, a snarcky team member who thought it was better to argue with me rather than do what I asked, and a bipolar 6 year old who is getting on my nerves at the moment. I love him to death but I so need a Calgon moment.

So far so good with the food. I had a meeting at work and they catered with Jason’s Deli (sandwich shop). I did good, I ate the salad I originally brought for lunch and took the bread off of the sandwich. Didn’t eat the chips but I did indulge with the cookie that came in the box lunch. Just after that I found out that a dear friend of mine died from cancer last night. He was sick for a very long time and died in his sleep at home surrounded by family. This would normally send me into a binge and I would reach for whatever candy was available but today it wasn’t about me it was about his wife Lisa and how she was doing. So far I’ve stayed strong and not binged. I even gave part of my dinner to the dogs (and I am now their favorite). Only a little longer before bedtime and I will be one day closer to my 50 pound victory.

I first started gaining weight after a traumatic event that occurred when I was eleven,  After that I started polishing off bags of potato chips with mayo sandwiches (disgusting sounding isn’t it but I swear they were tasty at the time.) among other things.  Food was my refuge and my best friend. I now realize that this was a defense mechanism but I only ended up hurting myself.  Flash forward years later and now here I am.  Overweight, unhappy and very afraid that my husband no longer finds me as attractive. Also I have diabetes and if I don’t get this under control I’m afraid I won’t get a chance to do anything I want and believe me I have big plans!!  So today is the day I start my new life.

Wish me luck