So I’ve been home all week with my ankle elevated and compressed and have basically done NOTHING all week. I’ve seen all the daytime television I can stomach. Surfed all the boards. Posted and Updated everywhere and I’m just so ready to have my regular life back. Even when that means stress and travel and irritating people and situations. I just want it back.
This whole turning 40 thing is creating so much reflection and thoughts in my head that I can feel my brains spinning around in my skull. Do you know how hard it is to focus positively on your life when you realise you are in financial ruin (that *I* did to myself), when you know certain dreams will NEVER come true (like having kids) and when you understand fully that your family will NEVER change and never “get” you? And people wonder why I’m the type that keeps on going so that I don’t actually have TIME to think about these things!
I know I have to create my own possibilities now, that I have to create my own happiness, but to be honest it’s a daunting endeavour. Really. It’s completely overwhelming!
In the next couple of weeks I’m going to take complete stock in my financial situation and see what I can change. I recently got promoted at work (something to be proud of, I know) and I got a nice raise. I have been “living” during the week in Amsterdam, but that’s going to stop and will save me €300 a month. I have quit my gym membership, but that takes two months to stop, then it’s a savings of €72 a month. I am going to look into changing our insurance, seeing if that can be reduced if I or R goes through work insurance instead. I’ve pretty much cashed in all of my pensions/savings, all but one, and I need to take care of that, because the amount I would get back after tax would pay off exactly one small credit debt (about €2000). Then I need to go to a lawyer and find out what I can do about the rest of the situation (which concerns my ex, who lives in another country, which makes his debt look like mine). And if that is not going to work, I need to look into the possibility of bankruptcy. Really. It’s that bad. I won’t do that though if it will hurt our chances of getting another place to live, but we may have to also face the reality that we could be living in this apartment for a very long time.
Most importantly, if I do not start taking care of ME, I fear another breakdown on my horizon - I can not continue this way. Simply CAN NOT.
So that’s exactly why yesterday, I logged on to 3FC and my WW online account and I took control of the day. And I had 20 points with a day goal of 20 points. I am really proud of this. Being a bit of a pessimist at the moment though, it’s only a tiny dent in the surface. Plan is to do it again today and I just had a peach instead of a piece of birthday cake, or peanut butter toast (my favourite comfort food) to prove it.
If anyone is reading at all, I promise it won’t always be so much doom and gloom. I am just fed up with myself and how I made my life such a mess, but I’m on the road to creating something better now.
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