It’s what I Do!

So, I’ve been extremely stressed, worried, sad, angry, etc. lately.Why?  Because I’m still paying for mistakes I’ve made in the past.  I’m still recovering from a nervous breakdown that started in 2004.  I’m still connected to my ex, financially, because he lives in another country and he can not (or so he says) arrange his financial shit without me included on his loans (we had the debt split up when we divorced, but ultimately we are both “signees” on both loans, therefore if one does not pay, the other is still responsible).Let me tell you a little bit more.Buying a house::  WE, as in myself and the One I Love can not get a new mortgage, because of MY debt.  MY links to my ex.  I have to keep pushing gently nudging my ex to PLEASE take care of his stuff.  He is in la-la land most of the time and means well, but has a real lack of follow through.  I’d like to move on with my life, please.  Thanks.

Mental
State + Money::  When I had a breakdown it was right in the middle of splitting up with my ex.  Makes sense, eh?  THEN I got fired.  THEN it took me a while to get my unemployment (I went from a €2600 p.m. salary to €1700 with my unemployment).  THEN it took me 6 months to get a new job.  Things were pretty much unraveling before my eyes.  I still had my apartment (which was falling apart) that I needed to sell because of the impending divorce.  I managed to sell the apartment, but had to pay €7000 to pay off the mortgage.  Do you see where this is going?    So I’m still really behind on things. I got a new job; it was a 6 month gig.  I wasn’t quite in a good state to be working again and didn’t get a contract after the 6 months.  In fact, I got the worst job review I’ve ever had in my life.  That didn’t do much for the old self-esteem.During all of this, I was gaining weight like crazy.  Some of it due to meds.  Some of it due to incorrectly feeding my body and soul with comfort food and booze.After the 6 month gig (in which I received about €100 per month more than unemployment), I got a really good job with a really crappy salary.  In fact, my salary was €200 LESS than my unemployment.  OK at first, crappy at the end… I’m 38 years old and €1500 per month with no pension or benefits kind of sucks.  I have an education.  I have a lot of experience.  After a while I felt insulted.  But I choose to take the job, so ultimately, it was my own fault.Now I have another new job.  And I love it.  And the pay is good.  And the benefits are great. And I have a chance to build up a pension.  There is still stress involved though.  No matter what, it seems there is always some giant asshole I have to work directly with.  In this case it’s an older Dutch woman who hauntingly reminds me of Evil Andrea, my colleague at the place I was fired from.  I try very hard every day to let go of whatever happened the day before with my new colleague, but some days, it’s just too much.  My stress level is high sometimes.  I am more aware now and do my best not to turn to food when these things happen.  I am more aware that I have to create a good situation for myself. I’m not perfect though and sometimes I just can’t take it, how she is.  Another colleague of mine says maybe I should just “accept” how she is and not take it personally.  It’s not that I’m taking things personally, I find her very hard to work with!  For example our exchange yesterday was once again her NOT answering my question, but rather, blunting asking me a question (making me feel stupid) as the answer… WTF?  I am only there for 3½ months; I can’t know everything specific to the company!  I know it sounds vague, but I don’t want to completely rehash every situation with her.I want to have a baby::  The One I Love altered his body before we met.  It’s understandable and I commend him for doing the right and noble thing.  After P was born, he decided to shut down the factory so to say, because his ex had a
LOT of problems with her pregnancy and was advised to absolutely NEVER get pregnant again or it could result in death.  Scary stuff!  Of course shit happens that some couples can not get over (my Love tried to forgive her for indiscretions but ultimately he was too hurt) and now they are divorced.  But now… we want to have a baby.  And we can’t.  He had a reversal that wasn’t successful.  We wanted to try for IVF/ ICSI but recently found out because of the Big V (elective reproductive surgery) we wouldn’t be covered by our insurance.  We simply can’t afford to do this.  Maybe we can later - but I’m 38.  I’m not getting any younger here.This leads me to guilt and sadness::  I don’t have any kids.  I didn’t know if I wanted kids.  One of the reasons I split up with my ex is because my clock finally started ticking and he didn’t want to have anything to do with it.  Now I have the best partner, the best friend, the best lover I’ve ever had… the healthiest relationship…  and we can’t have kids together.  I have criticized myself often for my choices in life, now I’m really feeling the sting.  It’s as if the universe is punishing me.So.  No money.  No house. No baby.  Lots of little problems.  All with a price tag.I wanted to sell my car… but I first had to get the yearly inspection.  Turns out the car needed €1000 worth of work to get the APK.  OK… so I’m selling my car because I NEED money… there was no way to pay that money to get it fixed.  So I just sold the car to the garage for €1000.  I need at least twice that.  But it’s a start, right? The day after we found out about the car… we got a letter from the Owner’s Association… we have to pay €2000 to get the balcony fixed.  I mean, seriously, I thought nothing else could happen!I have requested all my crappy little pensions be closed out and the proceeds sent to me.  I realise this is big.  I won’t have any pension after I close these things out.  What else can I do though?  I need to pay off debt so I can start living again.  Unfortunately it’s been 2 weeks almost and not one of these companies has contacted me back or sent me the forms to fill out. There’s even more to the story but I think you all can see my point here.  In all of this I think “OK at least I can control my body, my weight, what I put into my body” and that really does sound reasonable, right?  BUT… some days I just really don’t have the energy anymore.  I just don’t.  I just really think “why even bother?” because… WHY bother?  But then I think about “If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got”  So I AM making better choices, I AM exercising, I AM doing the right things, just not all the time.Now, after I’ve told you all of this…  HOW can I get to a place, stress or no stress, where I can really focus on ME, my body, being comfortable with myself, etc?  HOW?I should note I still got on the scale this morning and I’m down 1.2KG.  95KG to be exact.  Forgive me for not being excited - but if you look at my stats you’ll see that since last August I haven’t really been under 95KG much.