It’s what I Do!

In true Murphy’s law style the post I was originally composing was lost so I’ll leave it at that for now.

Last night was a bit off plan.

The kids came over for the weekend and R served immediately up 4 pieces of cake.

I did however make myself some chicken and broccoli for dinner, so not all was lost.

Well, until we opened a bottle of wine….

My ankle is still a bit swollen and stiff, but I really must do something besides sit behind the computer today.  Maybe cleaning.  Was reading a thread about the depression/ clutter/ weight connection and it’s so true that I am definitely a messier person since I have been overweight again.  And don’t get me started on depression.  So many things are out of control at the moment!

Slowly but surely, it will all come together.  My life, my body, my finances, my house.  Just have to keep focusing on today.

Had a little sneaky peaky at the scale - 202.  Wednesday I believe was 204.4 …

We went to Berlin last weekend, which was GREAT.  What a great city!!  So much history and things to see, do and learn.  Amazing place really!  When I was a kid I always associated “Berlin” with something bad and evil… I mean they were communists right?  And communists did terrible things (this is what was said when *I* was a kid) and, my gosh, they weren’t even allowed to pray or read the bible there!  *gasp*    What a totally different reality!

Anyway, we walked a lot.  I like to try and be as active as possible, even if I am overweight, that doesn’t mean I can’t move and groove like everyone else. We also tried to eat as healthy as we could (though one night it was just a pure beer and bratwurst fest).  The most fun part of the trip?  The Fat Tire Bike Tour!  4½ hours of cycling and seeing the sights with a knowledgeable, funny, fantastic guide!

So just a few pics:

It was SUCH an amazing day as well - here in the Netherlands it rains a LOT and this summer has been no exception.  We hadn’t seen blue skies like that in ages!

It’s really a shame that I fell down the stairs later that night - I really tried to tell myself that it happened and there was nothing could do to change it, but it was really hard and I have been suffering emotionally since.

I’m nearly out of this rut though

So I’ve been home all week with my ankle elevated and compressed and have basically done NOTHING all week.  I’ve seen all the daytime television I can stomach.  Surfed all the boards.  Posted and Updated everywhere and I’m just so ready to have my regular life back.  Even when that means stress and travel and irritating people and situations.  I just want it back.

This whole turning 40 thing is creating so much reflection and thoughts in my head that I can feel my brains spinning around in my skull.  Do you know how hard it is to focus positively on your life when you realise you are in financial ruin (that *I* did to myself),  when you know certain dreams will NEVER come true (like having kids) and when you understand fully that your family will NEVER change and never “get” you?  And people wonder why I’m the type that keeps on going so that I don’t actually have TIME to think about these things!

I know I have to create my own possibilities now, that I have to create my own happiness, but to be honest it’s a daunting endeavour.  Really.  It’s completely overwhelming!

In the next couple of weeks I’m going to take complete stock in my financial situation and see what I can change.  I recently got promoted at work (something to be proud of, I know) and I got a nice raise.  I have been “living” during the week in Amsterdam, but that’s going to stop and will save me €300 a month.  I have quit my gym membership, but that takes two months to stop, then it’s a savings of €72 a month.  I am going to look into changing our insurance, seeing if that can be reduced if I or R goes through work insurance instead.  I’ve pretty much cashed in all of my pensions/savings, all but one, and I need to take care of that, because the amount I would get back after tax would pay off exactly one small credit debt (about €2000).  Then I need to go to a lawyer and find out what I can do about the rest of the situation (which concerns my ex, who lives in another country, which makes his debt look like mine).  And if that is not going to work, I need to look into the possibility of bankruptcy.  Really.  It’s that bad.  I won’t do that though if it will hurt our chances of getting another place to live, but we may have to also face the reality that we could be living in this apartment for a very long time.

Most importantly, if I do not start taking care of ME, I fear another breakdown on my horizon - I can not continue this way.  Simply CAN NOT.

So that’s exactly why yesterday, I logged on to 3FC and my WW online account and I took control of the day.  And I had 20 points with a day goal of 20 points.  I am really proud of this.  Being a bit of a pessimist at the moment though, it’s only a tiny dent in the surface.  Plan is to do it again today and I just had a peach instead of a piece of birthday cake, or peanut butter toast (my favourite comfort food) to prove it.

If anyone is reading at all, I promise it won’t always be so much doom and gloom.  I am just fed up with myself and how I made my life such a mess, but I’m on the road to creating something better now.

I had it before.  Why did I have it before and not now?  Why did it seem easier then?

So I went to Berlin last weekend… last big Hurrah before the big 4-0…

and I fell down some stairs and wrecked my ankle

it’s all so very depressing. my weight. my stress from work.  my exhaustion.  and now my ankle.  and I can do NOTHING about it, it is what it is.  Any hopes of getting back on the exercise bandwagon are squashed for a bit.  At least I’m staying at home, doing NOTHING, so that hopefully I can go back to work on Monday.

Today’s my birthday and it feels so crappy

I’m up a few kg but I’m here!

For a girl who made not enough resources to have a successful day, I feel ok about today. At the very least I feel ok about my food and only my food.

The update since beginning of July:

I went on vacation. We ate ok, we walked a lot. I think I gained about a kilo in the two weeks we were away. There were some trying moments for sure especially when our car was broken into in strasbourg.

Right after my holiday I went back to work while Ron and the kids stayed another week at home. Because I was out two weeks, the week back was the week from hell.HELL.

One week later I received a promotion at work. Good thing right? Well yes and no. There are some people on my team who were less than thrilled and this was a very emotional time.

At the same time my company started making some changes including a good friend being laid off. More stress and tears.

Two weeks ago I went to London for work for a week. This was especially challenging as my hotel reservation was no where to be found and I had to find a new hotel which basically maxed out my credit card and I had barely any money to survive the week.

Two people died in this period, my uncle, whom I was not close to, but I’m still saddened (he had a massively hard life) and a friend who unfortunately was bi-polar, heartbroken and lonely who obviously couldn’t find a reason to carry on living. This, my friends, has probably been the hardest thing I’ve dealt with so far.

And I realize, hard, that I am very ruled by my emotions and the more I have to deal with, the harder it seems to remember what is also important for ME. I am really finding it hard to focus. Excuses and all, can you blame me?

On a final note, congratulations to Josephine for being the biggest loser!

Xxx

Had a good day staying in control yesterday -i know tracking helps, why do I have to keep having a revelation about when I’ve stopped for a bit!?

Breakfast
2 cups coffee
1 hapklaar less sugar breakfast bread
1 laughing cow light triangle
1 optimel control

Snack

Lunch

Snack

Dinner

To be accountable this week, I’m relying on my blackberry so my entries will be short and sweet to limit the possibility of RSI in my thumbs…

Breakfast:
2 espressos
Raspberry smoothie with flax seed and almond butter(3.5)

Snack:
2 weetabix
200 ml skim milk (3)

Lunch:
salad with 1 hard boiled egg, 1 tomato, salt, pepper
40g Low-Fat Mayo, 10g Unox mustard sauce (2.5)
kiwi

Snack:
apple
Venti Sugar-Free Nonfat Vanilla Latte (2)

Dinner:
pasta (4)
sauce - not yet known
chicken (2)

Water: 1 litre
Exercise:
Multi-vit: yes

Points goal is 20 - if my sauce is 3 points then I’m right on the money. 

OK guys, so I’m struggling a bit with my schedule. Being in Amsterdam during the week should mean I have time for myself, to go to the gym, to prepare my food etc. But it’s not happening. I finally seemed to get it together around midweek last week - even went to the gym - but it’s not enough.

Weigh-Ins
16/03 217.4lbs (98.6KG)
23/03 216.2lbs (98.0KG) - 1.2 lbs (.6KG)
30/03 217.8lbs (98.8KG) +0.8 lbs (.3KG)
06/04 213.6 lbs (96.8 KG) -4.2 lbs (2KG)
13/04 212.4 lbs (96.3KG) -1.2 lbs (.5KG)
20/04 210.4 lbs (95.4KG) -2.0 lbs (.9KG)
27/04 207.8 lbs (94.2KG) -2.6 lbs (1.2KG)
04/05 205.8 lbs (93.3KG) -2.0 lbs (.9KG)
11/05 204.4 lbs (92.7KG) -1.4 lbs (.6KG)
18/05 203.2 lbs (92.2KG) -1.2 lbs (.5KG)
25/05 201 lbs (91.2KG) -2.2 lbs (1KG)
01/06 199.2 lbs (90.4KG) -1.8 lbs (.8KG)
09/06* 200 lbs (90.7KG) +.8 lbs (.3KG)*was away so missed w/i on Sunday
15/06 197.4 lbs (89.5KG) -2.6 lbs (1.2KG)
22/06 no weigh in
29/06 198.6 lbs (90KG) +1.2 lbs (.5KG)

So, the good:
I’m still in ONEderland. I am attempting to move whenever I can (lots of walking). I am making good food choices most of the time.

The bad:
I’m not making good food choices all of the time. OK, no one is perfect but this needs to change. On Thursday evening I actually went to the store and bought some stuff to have with me at the Amsterdam apartment AND at work. I’m making excuses again… too tired, not enough time, no energy, don’t feel like it, “it’s only one chocolate”, etc.

The Ugly:
Well, there is no ugly. I know this is a learning process. I haven’t quit and I haven’t been too hard on myself. Come on, it’s not a race to the finish anyway, is it?

So -
Food scale is now at work. Need to get a new one for home but for right now I’ll wait. Just one more week at work and I have vacation for two weeks and then I’ll arrange another one.

Bought some staples - Weetabix at work (milk I can get for free basically and I bought a measuring cup for the right amount of milk), bammetjes (the low in sugar ones, 1½ points each), laughing cow light triangles, low-fat philly, chicken and tuna for salads, low-fat feta cheese, FAGE 0% yogurt. On Monday after work I’ll pick up fruit and a few bags of mixed salad for my lunches. Dinners are the hardest now - since I’m living at someone else’s house and have to cook there it still feels a bit strange. I don’t know where everything is and I don’t have all my herbs and spices. Can’t use it as an excuse though- must just work through those feelings and do it anyway.

Went to the gym last Weds, am going again this Weds. Would have liked to plan for more, but I have a big coffee tasting to do on Tuesday night, that involves PR agencies from all over Europe so Monday is shopping and Tuesday is the dinner/coffee tasting. Thursday I meet with my old boss after work and Friday back home to Arnhem.

Reflecting on all of this at least I am in the 100’s now, I’m a bit smaller than I was last summer went we went on vacation and my attitude is a bit better now. My self-confidence is coming back and I’m not so negative about myself anymore. I’ve gotten several comments now from people at work who don’t see me all the time about me looking like I’ve lost weight.

So, to me it’s still 20 lbs (ok a bit less now) but it’s already a huge difference overall. I would like to lose a bit more before October, maybe even just 10 lbs, but I’ve reached my first goal and I’m happy about that.