Changes - A fat girl’s mind trip

Well, as you can see, I have been away from my blog.

Really, no good excuses, but plenty of reasons.

The economics of the country have also hit me a bit.

I work at home for as a webquiz project manager for a company that contracts with a very large textbook publishing company. It is an awesome job that I love and have done since 2003.

Over the years, they have bought and sold divisions of different companies. This year, they acquired another textbook division of a competing company. During the transition, things slowed immensely . . . to the point, I got really worried. Now, I live in a small town in northern NM and decent jobs are hard to come by so I have always counted my blessings for getting this job. This summer I was lucky enough to meet up with an attorney friend that I have known for many years. She needed some office help . . . specifically someone who was somewhat computer literate as she wanted some help organizing her office. I started working for her part time in September.

Surprisingly enough, even tho my other job has picked up some (but still not the hours I am used to), I am surprised to find out how much it is helping me mentally to get out of the house every day. The empty nesting has really hit me hard this time. I have decided that even if my computer job gets real busy again, I will just juggle jobs for as long as possible. Being an empty nester, it’s not like I have to be home and available to kids anymore.

On another note, we recently went to Phoenix to meet up with family. Most of my side of the family struggles with weight. My brother and his wife decided to go on WW in May. Whereas they stuck with it, I didn’t and they had both lost almost 35 lbs. They looked GREAT! Luckily, I have maintained the 13 lb. weight loss from earlier this summer, but if I just had stuck with it . . . maybe I would have been closer to where I want to be!

Ok, so here I go again . . .

I am finally going to read Judith Beck’s book and put it to use.

I have a niece getting married in December. My goal is to stay on plan until then.

I have stayed within my WW points for 15 days straight now. Yay me!

I have NEVER stayed within my points for this long and I am feeling pretty good about it and fairly strong and likely to continue. I really think that while I am feeling ok, I do need to start working on some of my mind issues so I started reading Judith Beck’s diet solution book again and I am going to start that. I will post my Advantage Responses sometime today.

From my previous experience with this book and in the spirit of how I have approached weight loss this time around, I am going to do it in babysteps as well. The thought of doing a task per day is a little overwhelming, so I will do it just like I have done WW, a little bit at a time with no set time table for taking another step . . . just when I feel comfortable with what I am doing and ready to add another one.

I woke up this a.m. feeling pretty crummy and out of sorts . . . the kind of day that would typically send me into binge mode.

I just kept thinking that the line between feeling in control and feeling out of control is just so very very thin and that I just couldn’t lose control so early in this game because I am not sure how long it would take me to regain it.

In the end, it was only b/c I knew I have committed myself to journal in this blog that stopped me. This really is better than a private journal. Even if no one looks at it . . . just the thought that someone might is just enough accountability to keep me more honest, espeically since I am determined to be more honest with myself.

I found my Beck diet solution book today. I bought it quite some time back and made it through just a few days of the program. I think maybe it is time to start working on some of my mind issues and that is probably a good place to start.

Happily, the day turned out ok. The plusses are I stayed within my points (although I had french fries at 2 meals), it was my DHs turn to cook (alright, he ordered out in the end, but I still didn’t have to cook :-)) and I went on a nice 1 1/2 hour long hike that was so beautiful and rejuvenating. I went with a friend with whom my relationship has seemed a little strained for a few months and we actually had a very pleasant time.

 All in all, it started out crummy and ended very nice. I’m glad I didn’t ruin it with a binge!

Also, a milestone . . .

I work at home. In my home office, I have a closet behind my desk. When I am in binge mode, I keep a bag hidden in the closet to hold the trash where no one can see it. It has been many months since a whole week has gone by and I haven’t had to sneak out a trash bag full of junk food wrappers, but there was no bag to take out this week!

Yay for me! :-) :-):-):-)

I just signed up for 3 months of WW online. Ah yes, WW and I have had a torrid affair over the years so maybe I am crazy for another attempt. 

My introduction to WW was as a teen. I had an overweight friend whose sister and cousin were going to join along with her obese mother. I felt overweight at 136 lbs. My friend’s sister lost a good amount of weight and looked absolutely healthy and gorgeous throughout high school. The rest of us didn’t stick with it.

However, over the years I have constantly been drawn back. In between I would try other stuff . . . starvation, ultra low calories, drugs, non-dieting, SB, low carb, low fat, nasty tasting meal replacement shakes, other low carb, calorie counting and on and on and on and on. Obviously, none of these has been successful and some were downright unhealthy. In the end, I am once again choosing WW, but don’t think for one minute that the following quote didn’t come to mind . . . 

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
–Albert Einstein

However, I finally concluded that even tho the program was the same, I don’t have to approach it in the same way. This time I am going to not only work on eating in a healthy manner, but work on some of my mental issues as well. I am going to work through some of the perfectionism issues and all or nothing attitudes. I am going to quit lying to myself and others about my food intake. I am going to quit binge eating and eating in secret. Instead, I am focusing on this quote that I once saw at a WW meeting . . . 

“You haven’t failed until you fail to try”
 
WW has many benefits. I like that you can pick what types of food you choose to eat. I like both the Flex plan and the Core plan and am comfortable with the points. I like that it is normal everyday food that can be worked around my lifestyle. Mostly, I really like that your progress is over a week, not day by day, which at times would feed in to my all or nothing thinking.

We do have one WW meeting in our little town. I have decided that I would prefer to do the online thing, tho, for two reasons: 

1. There is a woman that attends the meeting that makes me uncomfortable. We were friends at one time, many many years ago when I was much thinner than I am now. My husband and I moved away for a number of years and we lost touch. When I came back, I was significantly larger than when I left. I attended a WW meeting and this woman was there. I greeted her and she looked at me like I was crazy. Now, granted, she may not have recognized me b/c of the weight gain, but I know that over time, she did finally recognize who I was and still chose not to acknowledge our past relationship. I know I would feel different if I had a buddy to attend with, but I don’t. Silly? Maybe, but I don’t care.
2. After all the dieting nonsense I have put my family through, I would really prefer to make some good progress before mentioning anything to anybody that I am close to.

I have actually been looking for a blog site where I would feel safe blogging about my weight loss (I almost wrote “attempt at weight loss this time” but begone bad attitude!). I am pleased that 3fatchicks has this blog site. I plan to use it for accountability. Not that I plan or expect it to be viewed, but if there is a slight chance someone will stop by, I will be more likely to be on my best behavior!

I will be doing WW and am interested in just staying on program for an extended length of time. I am also hoping that journaling will help me work on my many mental stumbling blocks.