Trying to get the feeling again…

Today I feel very proud of myself.  I went through McDonald’s drive thru (cue scary music) and I only ordered a HUGO iced tea!  No french fries (although I thought about it).  I felt like I won a victory after doing that.  I told my boyfriend of my crowning acheivement and he was not as thrilled about it as I.  He was worrying that I should have ordered a salad because I didn’t eat.  I understand his worry but he totally did not get that I was proud of not ordering the ever so tempting McDonald’s french fries.  And no, I am not starving myself. 

I found an online contest page where my exhusbands latest wife posted. She was talking about how they had such an expensive wedding even though people thought they should not have because it was each of their second weddings and in their 20’s they didn’t know better!  HELLO!  I am the second wife.  The one he married in his 30’s.  So far in each decade starting with his early 20’s he has had a different wife.   His third wife totally knows about me because he was married to me when they started seeing each other.   Funny story, I went to buy salsa at a Mexican restaurant and on my way out, noticed a man at a table trying to look invisible.  I got closer and realized it was my ex.  Both he and his wife were trying to hide in there plates.  I chuckled to myself and just walked past them.  I do have some class and would never make a scene.  It was funny seeing them try to disappear.  They were with two other people who were sitting on the other side of the table.  I don’t know them.  I guess I don’t count because my husband and I did not have children together, therefore, there is no “evidence” of our marriage of 10 years…. 

I went to the movies and saw 1408 tonight and ate NOTHING while there. No jujubes, no popcorn, no nachos, NOTHING.  I drank a large diet coke.  That’s it!  1408 is suspensful in some parts.  I love John Cusack! 

I am so proud about no popcorn, I could hug myself.   I went with a girlfriend and I think that made it easy.  No, she doesn’t know about my quest to  be good.  If I were at the movies with my boyfriend, it could have been harder.  He is a junkie.  If is has no nutritional value at all, he’ll eat it. 

 Big Hugs, Bobbie

I am amazed how much I have to keep myself busy so I don’t eat.  I am currently on here writing because it keeps me busy.  I check my email 100’s of times a day to keep my fingers busy.  I usually have my faithful companion of Caffine Free Diet Pepsi with me.  I am going to refill prescriptions on line when I am finished writing to keep my hands busy.  It is amazing.  Otherwise,  I would find myself standing at the kitchen counter eating whatever I pulled out of the cupboard or fridge.  I am going to the movies and dinner tonight with a friend.  I am not scared.  I have a plan.  And I realllllly want to be under 200 for my birthday in October. 

Want to hear something funny?  I have told NO ONE what I am doing.  You know, working on losing weight.  It’s like I don’t need to discuss it with anyone because I have all of you here and I know you understand each and every word I am saying.  Getting this blog was the best thing I could have done.  Much better than weight watchers, which I cannot get into to save my fat life.  My doctor recommended it to me when I begged for help and I wanted to poke him in the eye.  It doesn’t work for me.  What does work is counting calories.  I think of it like a checkbook.  You start each day with a certain amount of money and deduct from that.  It’s easy for me and I don’t have to think about points.  And no one has to know I am counting calories.  I think I like keeping it a secret better.   It seems like sometimes when people KNOW you are trying to eat better and lose weight, they aren’t very helpful. 

Thanks for listening.  It’s nice here in California.  85 degrees to be exact and cooling to 60 degrees tonight. 

 Kisses! 

I slowly opened my fridge - looking for something to eat.  It’s 10 p.m. and there is NO time I don’t eat - usually.  But it is different now.  I reallllly want to lose weight.  I realllly do.  So, I grab the bowl of sugar free Jell-O I made this morning - just in case and am eating it now, with no guilt.  I told myself, if I wanted to, I could eat the whole bowl because the entire bowl has no sugar, no carbs, and 80 calories.  I am not going to be able to eat the whole bowl.  It is too filling.  But it is very satisfying because I can slirp it into my mouth and it is sweet.  Damn, how come I didn’t eat Jell-O when I was eating all those little white powered donuts?!?!?!?  

I am happy though, now with my Jell-O. 

I look at woman my age or a little older who are fat and have “settled” into being their size and it scares me.  Have they given up because it’s impossible to lose?  They talk about how well they eat or how little they eat yet, they are not slim by any stretch of the imagination.  I miss being in my teens and twenties when all I had to do was think about losing weight and I did.  But at that time I was 130 and wanted to be 120-125 because I was too fat!  Oh, to be that fat again! 

 I messed up and reamed my exhusband for something he did not do.  BIG TIME reamed him.  It was an honest mistake on my part but I feel bad.  I can’t apoligize as we don’t talk at all and I emailed him at his wife’s shop and he wouldn’t care if I apoligized as I don’t matter.  He doesn’t even count me as one of his three marriages…  No, I wasn’t raised Catholic but I can do guilt when I am wrong with the best of them. 

I am tired, exhausted really.  Didn’t do bad eating today.  I am trying to make food a non important part of my life.  So far, okay. 

 Good night

So, I come home from a fun evening with dinner with a friend and there is a message on my answering machine.  There is a message from a BMW sales person thanking my ex husband for coming in and looking at cars.  My ex husband is remarried and hasn’t shared a phone number with me in 4 years!  What is with him?  But, I am done eating  because of him!  I erased the message, grabbed a caffine free Diet Pepsi - I don’t drink the caffinated kind anymore - and logged on here to type out my frustrations instead of eating them!  I AM going to lose 35 pounds beofre my birthday in October.  That will be the best birthday present in the world!  Of course I will have to lose another 60 after that but I will worry about that in October.  For now, my sites are set on 35 pounds.  I guess I will have to put to use the treadmill that has taken up residence in my living room.  I won’t be able to ignore it anymore. 

My day is winding down.  I am finished eating.  Actually I didn’t do too bad today.  No simple carbs - my weakness.  String cheese, chicken breast, veggies, kept me full today.  I need to bring on the exercise.  HAHAHA  my body laughs at me.  But I have this perfectly good treadmill staring me down telling me there is no reason why I can’t take a walk on it.  It’s true I know but dang!  I hate when a piece of machinery has more sense than I do! 

 My name is Bobbie, I eat way too much.  I weigh 235.  I hope to weigh 199 by my birthday in October.  No wait, I WILL weigh 199 by October. 

<a href=”http://www.3fatchicks.com/”><img src=”http://www.3fatchicks.net/img/bar-ost/slider-but8/lb/235/140/235/.png” border=”0″></a> 

 So, I am on day two of my quest to clear my soul and reclaim my body from the ravishes of self abuse.  Many tacos, chips, salsa, pizza slices, double cheeseburgers, McDonald’s french fries, and little white donuts later, life is what it is.  All of that food did nothing to make things better.  I am sure I would have finished college and my post grad classes without all that crappy food keeping me “company” in the middle of the night when the world is alseep but McD’s is still open.  I am finally willing to accept the responsibility that I did this to myself.  Not my ex husband, not his affair, but me.  I allowed myself to wallow in pity and used food to hug me and wipe away my tears. 

 I will not look at yesterday and what was or what could have been but will learn to relish today and what it brings and savor the sweet taste of tomorrow’s success.   I hope that my resolve can stay strong as I have 95 pounds to lose.  I still can’t believe that number looms in front of me.  But it is what it is.  What a fine mess I’ve gotten myself into this time.  But I want to feel beautiful again.  But for myself.  Not for anyone else.  I spent years being beautiful for others.  Wouldn’t go to the store without hair and makeup done.  Being fat takes all the pressure off because NOONE looks at me now.  Well except to comment about my weight gain.  Behind my back.  Like I haven’t noticed I wear a size 18 and I used to wear a size 8. 

 I overheard a male coworker talking about me.  He said, “Bobbie used to be so beautiful”.  I felt so embarrased when I heard that.   Sigh…

I want to feel good.  I want to not have my thighs rub together and my feet not ache after standing on them too long.  I want to walk a flight of stairs and not be winded.  I want ME back.  Just for me.  Not for anyone else.  I want to love me again.  The divorce, while I understand I have to accept responsibilty for it, I was not responsible for my husband’s affairs.  There was nothing so wrong with me that he had to be with others.  Being sexually abused as a child was not my fault either.  I was 4 years old and it ended when I was 10.  I was a child who was taken advantage of.  I didn’t deserve it. I still don’t understand the why and I guess I don’t have to.  It happened.  It’s part of my story and who I am.  

I hope to be as strong as some of these women on this blog site.  In one day I found strength when someone told me that 42 isn’t too old to start losing weight and that I can do it.  Thank you.   

I cannot begin to explain the disappointment I feel about myself.  I let my divorce get the best of me and allowed myself to binge on little white donuts and every other comfort food known to woman.  I now weigh 235.  I used to weigh 165.  My lowest and where I feel the best is 135.  But I have never been 235.   That was before HER.  I don’t blame HER.  I blame HIM but she allowed herself to belive his lies and I had to find out about her.  Funny, you’re a wife and partner for 10 years and you have to find out about someone? 

 It’s been four years and I have managed to avoid really dealing with it.  I have a wonderful boyfriend who doesn’t know me slim and still loves me.  My ex married HER, she’s his third wife.  I realize by not dealing with it and am stuffing my face to keep from feeling.  I have to say it so I can move past it.  Although I have talked to my boyfriend about it, it’s not the same.  I have to write it, say it, feel it, and move past it.  The it is this - IT HURT!  It was painful, embarrassing, shocking, and mean.  I tried to be such a grown up when I found out.  Trust me, it’s not the first time he messed around; more like the third but each time there was an excuse.  The first time, the excuse was “she was naked”. She was his exwife and I trusted him to go to Florida to see his kids.  The next time was the stripper at his  bachelor party - he was really drunk that time.  The third time, the last time, was because we were having problems and she made him feel good about himself.  There were more,  I know.  I don’t know the details though.  Details of infidility are so painful to hear.  I only confronted him with the others when the truth screamed in my stupid face.  He told me he loved her right away.  Like 10 years meant nothing.  He bought her diamond earrings right away - on our account.  I had to wait 4 years before I was worthy of diamond earrings.  She didn’t.  I have never met her or really seen her.  I found a picture of her in my house after he moved out.  She is blond, I am brunette.  I am sure she is a nice person.  Maybe a person I would have been friends with in a different life.   I don’t know.  All I know is that I quit caring.  I felt like such a failure at marriage, relationships, trusting, and everything else that goes with it.  Is it because I was physically, mentally, and sexually abused as a child.  I don’t know.  But I really thought Mike was it.  I was so wrong. 

My boyfriend now is wonderful although we had a rough start of it.  Both of us expecting the other one to give up I guess.  But it didn’t happen.  He would like to get married.  That scares me to death.  Marriage — why?  I love him.  Can’t we be like other couples who are committed but don’t get married?  There seems to be something secure about that.  We’re together because we want to be.  Not because we signed a paper and we have to be.  I loved the thought of marriage before.  I loved having a husband, like he was mine that no one could take or have.  Boy, was I wrong there. 

 Before I can think about marriage, I need to get this weight, this excess baggage off of me and admit that I loved Mike and I miss him sometimes.  Although it’s not really him I miss, it’s what I thought we had.  By putting this down and I hoping to move past it. 

Because I have gained so much weight, I am scared I won’t be able to lose it.  I am 42 and I am afraid I have failed.  By putting pen to paper (you know what  I mean) I hope to release the fear that holds me hostage and  I am allowed to florish again.

Thanks for listening.