Trying to get the feeling again…

I don’t feel well. I have been stressing about this test. So I am getting sick. But in less than 48 hours it will be over and I can catch up. But I am tired. Aren’t we all though, so I will shut up. I am setting my alarm clock to wake me up to the tune of Just Like Heaven by the Cure. LOVE that song - It will be a nice wake up song in 6 hours.
I have been doing very well studying. I have learned alot. So, we will see what Saturday brings. I have alread announced to anyone who listens that when I am finished taking the test on Saturday, I am going to go by my favorite Chinese place and pick up hot and sour soup, coming home, taking off all my clothes, and going to bed. I have my tv, dvd player, phone, laptop, and soup. What else do I need? Boyfriend will be working and I already told him I am turning the ringer off! I can’t wait.
Tomorrow night we are going to a Def Leppard/Foreigner/Styx concert. We bought the tickets about 5 months ago - BEFORE I knew about the test. Oh well, I am taking my pillow with me so I can sleep on the way home if I have to.

Weight is still 6 pounds down. Can’t complain. I would like to lose 10 pounds this month. Really watching caloric intake and WHEN I eat.

Good night - think of me and wish me happy thoughts Saturday morning!

Hugsxoxoxxo

I am studying for the CSET AGAIN!  Nope, I didn’t pass it before. Missed it by a couple of points.  I swear, who do I have to sleep with to get this thing out of the way.  Math/Science - I suck at them.  I have been studying harder this time than any other time.  My hallway is lined with huge poster paper with notes and illustrations.  I have a compostion book of the same notes - the more I write, the more I can remember.  I think what sucks for me is that I passed the first two subsets with very little studying.  I am spoiled and can’t believe I have to put in HOURS and HOURS of studying.   I can’t freaking student teach or get a job until this bitch is out of my way. 

I am on a break from studying.  I have been at it for 2.5 hours. 

 My goal this month is to lose 10 pounds.  I think I can do it.  Did I say think?  Sorry, I mean I CAN do it.  Shit, it sucks being a fat girl with little confidence.  But even as a thin girl, I had no confidence. 

I am working on not eating past 6 p.m.   It works on most nights.  I am going to buy more garlic stuffed olives.  You get a lot of flavor in just a couple of them.   Judy left me a good note and reminded me to eat a little every couple of hours.  I pack a granola bar - 90 calories with me for my morning snack.  Breakfast is usually a breakfast drink and usually drank while I am in the shower wetting my hair.  I am all for multi tasking.  I even brush my teeth in the shower. 

So, if I can do the 1300 cals a day and not eat past 6 pm I think I can whip this flabby ass of mine into shape.  That wasn’t nice to say, was it?  But then again, you haven’t seen my ass. 

BTW, sure Britany Spears danced and looked horrible on the MTV awards.  But to be honest, I would take her body over mine any day of the week.   I could work with that body a lot easier than I could work with mine.   But to be honest some more, if I had her body, I would have never put that outfit on and shook my ass on national tv.  They could have put her in something more flattering.  Her people suck.

 Back to studying.  I think I will study the various body systems and thier functions. 

I woke up this morning and felt light.  I did not have a heavy dinner the night before nor did I have a buttload of snacks.  I ate dinner early - at 3:30 to be exact and did not eat big after that.  I had a few snacks but for the most part - that was it.  I liked the way I felt so much that again I ate an early dinner 4:00 and that was that.  I had a medium McD french fries, a home grilled cheese and turkey sandwhich on whole wheat bread and sliced tomatoes and cucumber.  Why the fries, because I WANTED them.   I am getting better.   Yesterday, I ate a large fry.  My goal is to NOT snack for the rest of the evening.  I think I will make a cup of hot tea later.  But if I can’t handle it, I have given myself permission to each tomato soup.  I love tomatoes.  I love Bloody Marys too but that is a different subject.  It is 6:33 and I only have to stay up 4.5 more hours to make it. 

 Hugs to you all. 

Update

It’s 8:43 and not a bite has hit my mouth.  Unless you want to count the taste of the very first, just picked, home grown tomato I had to try.  Yummy. Now I will take a shower and wash my hair. That should take up some time too! 

I have been thinking since my last post.  I need to lose weight.  I think everything that has happened in the last 42 years has landed me here.    I always kid and say I should have been a prostitute drug addict with everything that has happened.  But life has happened and it’s the only one I have.  Time to pick up the pieces and get on with it.  Being fat isn’t being healthly and I am giving myself a slow death.  I have achieved so many goals.  Isn’t it time I make this a goal and just do it.  I need to let go of the fear of what being thin means to me.  I am not powerless and no one can take my power from me ever again.  I told my BF today that I don’t need to be controlled, I just need to be loved.  He asked what that is supposed to mean, I know he didn’t get it.  But he is selfish and controlling even when he doesn’t think he is.  Not all the time but probably more often than not.  But all the men in my life have been that way.  That’s the cycle I need to break.  I just need to be loved in a healthy way.   I don’t need to fix anyone or make their credit problems better.  I don’t need to argue with an ex-wife.  I don’t need to be a maid.  I need a partner.  I want someone who is thrilled that I am who I am as much as I am thrilled with who they are.  I want someone who doesn’t tell me I spend too much time with my daughter, friends, whatever.  Hell, I have been in school full time in a major way for the last f’ing 6 years.  I haven’t had time to breathe let alone waste time.  GPA = 3.8  Not bad for an old broad who is still struggling to pass the Math/Science CSET.  I made it through stats, I can make it through this. 

 I want someone who if something needs to be done, just does it and doesn’t expect a medal of honor for it.  My brother came and mowed my lawn this weekend.  He lives 1.5 hours away.  But my BF has been “too busy” to do it.  LOL!  When has being “too busy” ever been an excuse.

 That’s the ticket.  I am afraid of being poor to the point of I can’t support myself - that’s never ever happened but it could.  And I don’t want to be controlled.  I want to be loved; to be delighted in.  To make someone smile as much as others have made me smile and to have someone love me as much as I love them.  Never met a man yet who hasn’t screwed around on me…  tick tock the clock goes. 

So what makes me think if the love of my life almost every single day?  It has been 16 years since we broke up.  I have been married, divorced, earned my BA and more.  My husband was not the love of my life but was the opposite of him.  And I did love him.  I wasn’t in love with him.  But I thought he would be a good partner and I was very excited and happy when I married him.  I thought he was perfect.  I loved him and we had so much fun together.  We all know how that turned out.  Seemed he had a problem with keeping his Johnson in his trousers.

So, I think about the love of my life.   We were together for 7 years but had known each other since 6th grade.  Even at 11 years old, I loved him and was thrilled 7 years later to become finally his girlfriend.  He was on the path to go to college.  He was very smart.  And so handsome.  But drugs came into his life and changed everything forever.  I stayed for as long as I could.  But I didn’t and don’t do drugs.  So I didn’t fit in.  All this time I was 135 pounds and what many called beautiful.  He was critical of my hair, makeup, clothes.  I had to always be perfect.  He liked when people told him how pretty I was.  I ended up leaving him because he was fooling around with a woman a few years older and at least 100 pounds heavier.  But she did drugs with him and his friends and bought him presents.  He didn’t want me to leave but I loved him too much to stay.  I remember telling myself that no matter how hard it was to leave that someday I would be over him if I left.  I am still waiting to be over him.  I loved loving him.  He married her.  They are still married.  I am not sure what she endured to stay married to him.  She even got a job at the college I worked at for 19 years. I couldn’t believe it.  She was always checking up on me. His dad came to see me at my new position two years ago.  I asked how he knew where I was.  She had told him…  It bugged me that she knew where I was.  She had my boyfriend, wasn’t that enough?!

So now, I weigh 230 pounds and most of the time ignore it.  What did being pretty and smart get me?  Not much.  Maybe out of a few tickets, a seat in on a crowded bus, free drinks, and  attention I didn’t want.  At 230 pounds, no one notices you.  No one tells you are are pretty.  It is like I am invisible.    Maybe it’s why I want to lose weight and don’t.   If I really wanted to, wouldn’t I?  I am a pretty strong willed woman and have managed to obtain many goals I have set for myself.  I have never ever ever weighed this much.  170 is the most.  I was easy to lose the 40 pounds.

I live sometimes in What If Land and wish that he were there with me.  I wish things were before the drugs.

I just go on with my life.  Soon I will have a Masters in Special Education.    I will pass the last portion of the CSET.  I will keep getting credentials and maybe another Masters or two.  I will pay off my house.  All of these things are within my control.  Love is not.  And it’s breaking my heart.  The weight thing - what’s up with that?

I usually just think about him and not write about him.  I ran into him on the day I was registering for wedding gifts with my now ex-husband.  It was an omen I am sure.  I ran into him when I was going out of town with a guy who was totally in love with me.  I couldn’t go with him after that.  I saw him at the fair last year and hid.

I know I am silly and need to let him go.  It’s hard to be 42 and feel like a 26 year old with a broken heart.

But I loved him so much.  I can still see his face, his smile, and hear his laugh.  It would have been better if he had died.  At least I could have mourned his death and know he isn’t still out there.

I don’t know where I am going with this.  I am thinking of him too much today.  And trust me, not even a Twinkie can squash these memories.  I feel like a county song.

Hugs -

So, I was with my skinny friends Jan and Julie, you would hate them because they are thin and beautiful but you can’t because they are so flipping nice it hurts.  I guess that’s why they are my friends.  I was listening to them talking about how they “forget” to eat?  How in the hell does one “forget” to eat?  I mean I have worked 60 hours a week, spent 20 hours doing homework and gone to college full time and never have I “forgot” to eat!!!  Is this the secret to being skinny?   Jan is 5′10 and is a size four - not kidding.  Julie is 5′3 and a size 2.  When she got divorced, she almost disappeared because she was too depressed to eat.  When I got divorced I ate everything in sight and gained weight.  My grandmother told me she couldn’t believe I gained weight.  What was wrong with me, she said.  I should have lost weight.  Sorry grandma - it doesn’t work that way for me.  Eating makes me feel good.  Eating soothes me.  Food is the hug I don’t have to beg for.  It’s the comfort that lulls me to sleep. 

On another note, thank you for all of your support regarding my Precious Purr kitty and the BF.  I feel numb with all of it.  All I can say is that I am so happy I am not a man.  My BF says I hate men.  Not true, I just haven’t met one that hasn’t made me feel like shit.  Maybe it started when my grandfather felt it was okay to molest me at 4 years old or the fact that my father didn’t talk to me for 7 years because I didn’t call him back on his birthday because my granddaughter was being BORN and he wasn’t home when I called the first time.  I don’t know.  Men are scary creatures to me because I haven’t met one that hasn’t hurt me.   Maybe I need to see my therapist again. 

I will work on forgetting to eat because I don’t think it’s healthy that I have such an attachment to food.  I need a real hug.

Hi - I did not fall off the face of the Earth although it feels like it.  I took the CSET and think I failed it.  It takes a MONTH to receive the scores.  I hate that damn test.   I bite the big wang at Math/Science.  If I were good at it, I would have went into computer programing! 

Kevin (my BF) sister is coming in from Boston tonight along with her husband.  Laurie is special.  Kevin was adopted a a very young age.  Laurie is his birthsister.  She was 8 when he was born.  Thier mother, Kay, was divorced and 35.  Kevin’s dad was 19 and they were not married.  The relationship did not work out and Kay took her children and left.  She told Kevin’s father that he was not really the father and left.  Laurie stayed home from school for 6 months and took care of “her baby”.  One day, Kay and Laurie took Kevin to a house and dropped him off.  Laurie never saw him again.  When Laurie asked about Kevin, she was told he was dead and to never bring him up again.  In her heart, she knew this was not true but did not know how to find him.   When I started dated my honey and found out he was adopted, (I am too) I begged him to let me and my friend find his family as his adoptive parents are dead.  With his approval, the search began and we found Laurie in Boston.  She cried when she found out “her Kevin” was not dead but instead a grown man and living not too far where from she grew up.  She came out when we found her three years ago and is the biggest blessing anyone could ask for.  She is wonderful and Kevin is so lucky to have her in his life.  Kay died in 1999 but as I told Kevin, Laurie is the one who really took care of him and she is the one who always loved him.   This story always makes me cry. 

Long story, not short - things needed to get done around the house.  It has been a s-l-o-w process and I chuckle when I read Island Girl’s blogs and her frustration because I think we live with the same man.  The way to get them moving is to invite company or have a party.  I invited company.  The last two weeks have been hell with me averaging 4 hours a night of sleep.  I painted two bedrooms last night and went to bed at 2 p.m.  We are not done but progress has been made.  Shutters have been installed, carpet is finally in the bedrooms and well, the painting is not done but getting there.  I am afraid he will stop doing anything as his most favorite thing in the world is to watch television and movies. 

I also quit my job after 19 years.  That is another blog.  It has been a hard adjustment to get used to. 

I am sitting her listening to Prince.  I put him on the get me off my butt.  I am tired.  Kevin won’t be here until 12:30 a.m. with his sister.  I get to sleep in until 7:30 before I go to work.  At some point, I am going to fall down.  I drank my first RockStar Energy drink today - sugarfree of course.  Not sure if it did anything for me.  I think I am too tired for it to pep me up. 

Okay back to work.  Thank you for those who checked in on me because I haven’t blogged lately.  I so appreciate it.  The emails came when I was feeling very unimportant. 

Have a wonderful day/week/weekend. 

 Big Hugs

Bobbie

I have to take the CSET in the morning.  I have passed Subsets I and III.  I am having trouble with Subset II - Math/Science.  I didn’t pass it last time by 5 points.  I cried…  It’s so frustrating.  I have completed all the course work for two credentials (special ed mild/moderate and multiple subject) and this test is keeping me from starting my student teaching.  Does it not matter that the lowest grade I earned through the ENTIRE two credential programs I took was an A-?   This is where I try NOT to think negative thoughts about Mr. G.W. Bush.  Oh, but it’s hard. 

 Just in case you didn’t know, a full moon is never in the sky as the same time as the sun.  (CSET question)

 Please keep your fingers crossed and pray for me on July 21st between 8 a.m. - noon.

 Big Hugs

 Bobbie

I haven’t been on, my BF has been home.  Love him but sometimes he is around too much.  When there are things to do, like remodel the house, I don’t have time to sit around and watch tv!  GROWL!  It is such a waste of time!  Hi sister is coming in less than two weeks to visit from Boston and there are lots of things to get done.  So far, it’s been up to me to do it.  He owns over 2000 movies and buys at least 2 new ones a week.  He TIVOs hours of worthless programing - how many episodes of the Deadliest Catch can one person watch?  There is too much to do and spending two to three hours a day is not getting it done.  (slowly climbing off of soap box)

 I am 100% convinced that people are jealous when they hear you are trying to lose weight.  I made a very casual comment about not wanting tacos as 1 a.m. and he, the BF, replied, “Oh, we’re not dieting AGAIN, are we?”  I ignored the remark and said no, I don’t want to eat something that is going to give me a stomach ache.  I can tell, though, that I cannot tell him what I am doing.  It is really hard when he is home because every meal is a fatfest and dripping with calories.  I have to work really hard the 4 days he is not home because the 3 he is makes it very rough.  But I will stick to it.  It’s just hard.  I haven’t lost any weight this week.  But I am trying not to be too rough.  I had my Boca Burger with lots of veggies tonight.  At Taco Bell, I ordered a taco without the cheese and had a pintos and cheese instead of the bean burrito.  I had an unplanned meal day because of work. 

 I am super tired.  I want to be thin.  I hate being fat.  I hate looking at myself and wondering where this ugly woman came from. My face is huge.  I don’t like looking at me.  I avoid mirrors and reflections.  Time for bed. 

 Sweet dreams my friends. 

I am angry, pissed, fed up and damn mad.  I may blog about why later.  But the good thing is that when I am angry - I realize I turn to food to make me feel better.  With that in mind and trying to have an I don’t give a damn attitude, I reached in the freezer and made some conscience decisions.  I knew I was going to eat, there was no way around it.  So eat I did.  I ate a few crumbs - literally that’s all there was- of corn chips then threw them away.  I grabbed a Boca burger patty and popped it in the microwave.  I put lots of mustard (I don’t like mayo) and lettuce, onions, and tomoatos on a bun (it was white - I’ll need to get whole wheat but I am not going to beat myself up over that) and plopped my fake patty on top.  Yummy - and it tasted like cheating.  I ate a bunch of radishes - lots of good crunch - I may go for seconds with them.  I also sliced and ate a tomato on the side.  I am proud of myself that I could handle this situation with some pretty decent food choices.  Thank you Boca for being there.   I am still angry but I don’t feel guilty.  And I won’t hate myself in the morning.  Boy, it’s been a long time since I said that.