Trying to get the feeling again…

The scale at WW said I lost 9 pounds this week.   My scale at home, which is the one I have to live with says I now weigh 225.  That is cool.  I can honestly say I haven’t seen 225 in awhile.  I don’t think I really lost 9 pounds this week, more like 6 but I will take it and go by what they say because I will have to go by their scale for a long time.   The good news is I only need to lose 85 pounds.  Not 95 pounds.  Not 100 pounds.  85 pounds. 

 I was reading old posts where I said how hard it was because I had no support from my bf.  Now I do because he is doing WW with me and what a change it is.  It makes me feel like I can do this.  Good food is more expensive but worth it. 

Merry Christmas! 

So in about 2 hours, I will go and get weighed.  I have completed my first week with WW.  I had lunch with my friend, Leslie yeaterday and told her AFTER lunch that all of us have joined.  She confessed she is about 210 and needs to lose weight.  She said it is so hard having a husband who needs to lose 80 pounds and doesn’t care and 3 children to cook for.  I TOTALLY understand.  In previous attempts, my bf would still eat chips and candy and donuts and whatever else he wanted to no matter how many times I told him I needed his support.  This time around, with him doing it, it is so much easier.  I make food for US not just ME.  Tonight we are going to dinner at Applebee’s - his idea - because they have a WW menu. 

Anyway, Leslie told me I should have told her I was on WW and we could have went to someplace different.  We were at a Chinese restaurant and I managed.  I told her no, that I have to LEARN how to eat right.  Not just put myself on a restrictive diet that I will FAIL at again.  I keep reminding my bf and daughter that we can eat whatever we want.  It is just that we have to understand that an entire bag of chips is not a serving!  LOL! 

In the past, I have ordered a medium Candian bacon pizza and eat the whole thing - alone.  I would do this on Sunday when Kevin is gone all day until 12:30 a.m. working.  Just me and an entire pizza.  Not again.  I will eat pizza but one or two slices will work.

What I am enjoying right now is all the veggies I am eating.  I love them but got away from eating them.  Laziness is all it was about.  I am glad it is cold and soups are in.  They are low in points and  I love soup. 

Shower time.  I will post my loss later.

I wore my high boots today.  Not that I look great in them or anything because I have this HUGE stomach that encompasses my body, but the boots by themselves are cute and I get tired of dressing like a fatass.  So today I wore my black pants (of course to camoflauge the fat belly) and my boots.  BUT I was on my feet for WAY too long like 12 hours up and down running all around.  And my feet are killing me.  I am actually whining here and so it’s good you are only reading this and NOT here in the room with me. 

 I am giddy with the hope that maybe this time I might lose weight and give my poor feet a rest.  They have been very good to me but are getting tired of lugging this belly around. 

My daughter and son in law are still gung-ho about the whole WW thing.  Of course they are, we haven’t even done an entire week.  Wait until we are in the 100th week and let’s see how they are doing.  They and my bf are doing great and it really is nice to have people to talk to about what we are eating, not eating, should be eating, and just plain eating.  Of course, it is not like talking on here, because here I tell all.   When I have some after pictures to show, I will post before and after.  I was thinking like every 10 pounds, take a picture and post it.   Eventually, like a flip book, a change will emerge. 

I did manage to lose three more pounds in November on top of the 6 I lost in the summer.  I was sick as a dog for like two weeks and that’s how I lost the three.  But they have stayed off so far so I am counting them.

It’s 11:49 p.m. and my feet are still crying.  I think I will take them to bed. 

Hugs to you all and Merry Christmas

I did something I thought I would never do - something I said never works for me.  I joined Weight Watchers.  This time, it is different and may just work.  This time, my entire family joined too.   I have been begging, yes begging for support to lose weight.  They have no idea how much I need to lose.  I need to lose the most out of everyone.  They don’t know that.  Nor do they need to.  In due time, they will figure it out.  But for now, I am so happy that my bf, daughter, and her husband are in the boat with me and we are all on the same page.  We all eat together several times a week and all of us being on WW together will make it so much easier.  

Our weigh in was December 12th.   We will weigh in each Wednesday.  Everyone is in point shock.  My bf is still trying to figure out if he will starve or not.  LOL!  He only needs to lose 30 pounds. 

 I have gone through the house and labeled the point value of everything.  I made two point snack bags of pretzels.  Last night when we all went to the movies, we took our liitle bags of pretzels and munched on them.   We came home and ate some 2 point spicy chicken soup and baked tortilla chips I made.  Everyone was amazed how good everything tasted and how few points we actually ate. 

I have always wanted this support and am so happy to have it.  I was surprised that when I suggested we all join WW everyone agreed and couldn’t wait for the first meeting.  Maybe this time will work afterall. 

I had a garage sale yesterday.  Or was it a yard sale because I did not allow anyone in my garage only in my driveway…  I am amazed and greatful at what people will buy.  I made $200.00 and my daughter made almost $300.00.  Not bad for a few hours of work.  AND people paid us to take away things we did not want anymore.  Honestly, I can’t handle the crap around here anymore.  I want no clutter.  I hate nicknacks.  I don’t collect anything.   Sure, I like things but at this point in the game, there is nothing material I need.  What I do need is to declutter my space and get back into shape. 

I am home alone and it is quiet.  It is nice.  No phone calls.  No interruptions.  I think everyone who is going to call or come over has already done so.  I need to decompress. 

I had a great meeting with one of my professors on friday.  I am so excited to get back into school and clear my credential and earn my Masters in Special Education.  There are a lot of job opportunities out there because there are not a lot of people with a Masters in SE.  I have to teach for 3 years first and then I can teach at the university level and train teachers.  I love having options and feel that having this degree will give me the options I need. 

 I am still in my robe at 4:18 p.m and don’t plan on changing that at all.  I am going to read the paper and watch a sappy chick flick.  I love quiet Sundays. 

The teacher I have been subbing next to for the past couple of weeks is pretty, thin, and always hungry.  She complains about being hungry all the time.  Of course she is, she doesn’t eat.  Grapefruit at lunch?  I do remember those days.  I had poked them in the back of my mind as I went on my gorgefest for the past 5 years.  I remember  being thin but being hungry and thinking I had accomplished something like curing cancer if I only ate one slice of pizza or a half of grapefruit for breakfast, two tomatoes and milk for lunch, and barely picked at my dinner.  Being hungry in the morning gave me a thrill.  At some point during the demise of my marriage, I did not give a shit anymore about being hungry and skinny and I quit.  Now, I don’t want to be hungry again but I don’t want to be fat either.  HELP! 

Judy paid me a very nice compliment, she said I am a strong woman and I CAN take the weight off.  I want to believe this too considering  I have NEVER been this heavy in my life but, it seems the more I control other aspects of my life, the less I can control my eating.  Eating soothes me.  It comforts me.  It makes me feel good.  But I do really hate being fat.  I look bad, I feel bad, clothes look like crap on me, and I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.  I have been letting food take care of me for too long since the divorce.  It’s time to STOP THE INSANITY!  I still have lost only 6 pounds.  Since JUNE!  So, I have to figure things out.  I was eating lunch to day in the staff room of the school I am subbing at and the skinny teacher was eating grapefruit slices in a already prepared container.  I can do that.  I actually like grapefruit.  And to be honest, I am sick of food right now. 

The classroom aide that works for me right now in the class I am subbing in said she lost 13 pounds in one month.  She is going to a “diet doctor”.  She pays this person $100 a month for a B12 shot, Phentermine, and to weigh her.  She can only eat 1300 calories a day.  DUH!  That is the secret.  It’s not the shot, or the Phentermine.  It is 1300 calories a day she is eating. 

 Thanks my friends for being here.  Always.  You are wonderful and I am so happy I found you. 

The love of my life, the one not good for me, the one who I can’t get out of my mind for more than a couple of days at a time - drove in front of me - he was crossing an intersection I was stopped at.  No, he did not see me but I saw him.  I wish I didn’t.  I still felt that pang and it has been waaaaaaaaaay too long.  That’s the way the ball bounces…  Sucks to be me sometimes… 

Where have I been? Well, it’s have been a heck of a month or so. My daugher’s grandfather died. I say it like that because it is her father’s father who passed. These are the people who did not want me to have my daughter or keep her. When I decided to do both, they told me I was on my own and abandonded me. I was 15… They did not see her until she was 12 and it has been a process of getting them to accept her in their lives. Many family members did not even know she existed and still don’t. Family gathering are hard for her because people whisper, “Who is that girl?” and since she is neither deaf or stupid, she can hear them. It hurts her feelings that after 15 years, realitives still don’t know her. I soley supported her and we moved out on our own six months after I graduated high school. My family was not supportive either. I can still hear the words of slut and whore being screamed into my face. I was neither, but to thier ignorant minds it didn’t matter. So, I left and vowed I would never go back or ask my family or his family for help. And I never did.

But God gave me a big heart and even bigger shoulders and I never bad mouthed my daughter’s dad or his family. And one day, we actually ran into him. And he couldn’t avoid her any longer. And he asked to be part of her life. And I allowed it. And it hurt, but I never told my daughter it hurt me. It is not her pain. And with him, she gained a brother and a sister I could never give to her and two grandparents who didn’t want her. But now do and have made great strides in accepting her and loving her.

The grandfather used to tell me with tears in his eyes when I would run into him from time to time that he was not allowed to see us or talk to us and that he was sorry. Here was a man who was a pillar in his church and a highway patrol man but could not go against the wishes of his wife. So, I struggled and raised my daughter with no child support and I worked two jobs. I had little money but I have a lot of love and I love my daughter with every single fiber of my soul. It is not her fault I was so young. She deserved to be just like all the other kids. So I worked my ass off to make sure her life was full and happy. And when her father and his family pulled thier heads out of their asses, I made sure she had them in her life as well.

I have celebrated holidays with them, invited them to my first (and only) wedding and had them in my home. I have been ignored and treated rudely but have indured this because of my love for my daughter. Her father tells me from time to time how much he loves me. It cracks me up. He even told me this on my wedding day. And on the day his father died. I love him because he is my daughter’s father but in no other way.

So, my daugher’s grandfather died, and I went to the family house to give my condolences, and I held my daugher and granddaughter as they cried. I went to the funeral and sat with my boyfriend near the family. And I went into the family room afterwards. And all the years came rushing back. I mourned the loss my daughter and granddaughter felt and I mourned all the time that family missed with the most precious thing I have, my daughter. And I wondered, how they could have been so cold to us. When we were so young.

My daughter’s father’s wife, I can’t say stepmom because she has never been one to my daughter, hugged me and said to me, “I wish you could have known Ron the way I did. He was a wonderful man. Without him, I would not have been able to go to school to be a nurse.” I hugged her back and told her that I knew him in my own way and that was good enough.

That is where I have been for so long; disappering into the past and taking care of those hearts that have been broken.

What does she have to do with anything?  Well, I just realized I am TWO Jennifer Anistons.  You could cut me in half and make two of her.  Oh, the things I torture myself with. 

 You want some good news?  I PASSED my CSET !!!  yes, I did.  Cried my eyes out when I opened the envelope.  I have never been so scared to open a piece of paper.   I can move forward with my life.  Finally.  Oh, there are other tests to take but none as intimidating as the CSET - Subset II aka Math & Science.  Thank you for believing in me when I wasn’t sure if I could do it.  I swear I floated on that cloud for about a week.