Trying to get the feeling again…

I write this because it has been on my mind. I came home from work last week and got my ass chewed when I walked in the door.  Now I think at 43 I am a little too old to have an ass chewing from anyone.   I don’t talk to anyone like this and I don’t expect to be talked to like this.   Maybe that is unrealistic but in my world, that is how I choose to have it.  BF was upset because I was “late”.  Did I know I was late?  Nope.  But he came home from work early - I didn’t know he was coming home early because he didn’t tell me but according to his logic I should have known because he has been coming home early on Fridays!  OHMYGOD!  I left my crystal ball in my other purse!  Did he call me to tell me or make sure I wasn’t dead on the side of the road?  NOPE!  Because he said he shouldn’t have to call me.  I should have called him to let him know I was late when I didn’t know I was late because he was early. 

I hate when someone writes a script for you and forgets to give you a copy.  You will always screw up because you won’t know the dialouge.

He will make digs and has made digs in the past few weeks when I have gone out with friends and come home later than he thought I should be.  Again, no call or verbal confirmation on what time I will be in.  But I will get the dig BAM! right when I walk in.  The week before I went for drinks with my master teacher.   He knew it, he blessed me, he didn’t want to go.  I get home three hours later because I had gone by the grocery store and get the shitty remarks right when I walk in.  Please can I put down the $80 in groceries first and put them away before you start in?!  SHIT!

 He doesn’t like to go anywhere - I am all he needs - I doubt it I think it is just too much trouble to put up with other people.  But I can’t be the everything.  Because I am really not that wonderful or interesting.

So, I walk out of the room last friday because I am not into ass chewing.  Doesn’t feel good and there was no foreplay involved.  I might add, he was in the office playing Sim City.  I went in the kitchen, unloaded dishwasher, cleaned kitchen, folded laundry, started laundry - you know the basic bitch chores.  I got cold when I was folding laundry because I knew there would be more conversation.  It wasn’t done.  He is a Gemini just like my mom and it brought back memories of “pick a personality” for me.  When I used to live at home,  everyday I would stop by the gate before I entered the yard and try to gauge my mom’s mood before I entered because you were going to get her mood right when you walked in.  Was it love (not every often), was it yelling ( probably) or hitting (big possibility)for something you didn’t do but didn’t know you were supposed to do.   I moved out 6 months after high school graduation because I am not good at that game. 

I knew the game wasn’t over.  And I wouldn’t win.  So I grew cold.  He came out and asked if I was just going to let it fester.  I told him I wasn’t festering.  I had nothing to say because I don’t yell and I didn’t understand really what wrong thing I did.  He told me I had been different the past two months.  He’s not happy.  He doesn’t like it when other people say things about him not doing things around here (Still waiting for the painting to be finished -two years later) BLAH BLAH BLAH.  I told him it has been different.  We all joined WW.  I seem to be in charge of all the shopping, cooking, measuring points, everything.  My grown daughter has been very needy and clingy because of her new teaching job.  She is the reason I was “late”  I had to tell her that day I wasn’t cooking dinner for her b/c she thought I should b/c she had a bad day/week and I am her mom.  BF has been needy b/c he started WW and is hungry, not eating much during the day and then I am supposed to have food counted and ready when he comes home and he changed his work schedule so two days a week he is up at 4 a.m.  so he is home more but tired and DIETING!  And this all gets boiled down to I have been different for the past two months.  ONLY ME! 

I looked at him with my big brown eyes half filled with tears (it is an attribute) and told him I don’t want to live with my mom and have to guess moods when I walk on the door.  That I did not purposely forget he MIGHT be home early because it was Friday.  That my daughter, him, my granddaughter, and this whole WW thing was sucking the life out of me.  That I am student teaching and feeling a little insecure but who the hell cares because nothing is about me - it is only about the comfort and satisfaction of everyone else.  That I am not perfect but I really do try everyday to be the best me I can be.  I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated.  But I am not always the nicest person - sometimes I am only nice. Sometimes I don’t feel great - I only feel good and that I will NEVER walk on water - only Jesus did that and look what they did to him.   Oh and he also mentioned that I am doing nothing to get married.  That he feels like he is only a paycheck.   GIVE ME A FLIPPING BREAK!  I told him I am losing weight the best way I know how.  I am not losing 1 pound or 2 oz a week or gaining.    I am doing a great job and I am sorry but I am not buying a size 18 dress just to make him happy.  And that if my progress isn’t good enough TOO BAD! 

And he just stood there - quietly and said, I didn’t realize all of this.  I guess we all do take you for granted. You do do a lot of cooking and making sure we are all in our point range.  You do do all the behind the scene work like grocery shop and pay bills and laudry and dusting.  And you can’t be needy because there is no one for you to be needy to.  I am sorry and you are the best you everyday.  And you never yell at me no matter what I do. And I haven’t  been the best me to you.   And you don’t deserve to stand at the fence and wonder what mood your Gemini spouse is going to be in when you walk in the door the way that you had to with your mom. 

When I got home from work Monday night, he had washed the sheets and made the bed.  And decided he should cook at least one night a week.  And has unloaded the dishwasher twice this week.  He is not perfect nor am I.  But he is trying and I hope it continues.  Now I just have to remove my daughter from my uterus - again.  I love being her mom and love her more then life itself but she really needs to count on her husband more for her ya ya’s.  I will always be here for her and love cooking for her and her family but not 5 nights a week.  It makes me upset for everyone else to be relaxing while I cook and clean up like they don’t have to help because I am “supposed” to do it. 

I love Saturdays b/c I am home alone.  BF is at work and I get to hang with you guys and catch up. 

I know my BF isn’t the only cling-on out there.  Oh, he is looking at joining a community group or Mason’s.   I would be over the moon if he did this.  It would give us a chance to experience his life and not just mine.

 Hugs my friends!

I weighed in this afternoon and I am down another 2.4 pounds for a total of 22 lbs since December 12th.  I am still fat and realize (thanks to Ann) that people probably will not notice until I have lost 30 - 35 pounds.  It helps to know that it is not just me and that that is the life of a fat girl.  People look at you and still see your fat - heck I do it to myself.  I look at me and instead of rejoicing the fact that I have lost 22 pounds, I whine in the fact that I am still fat.  My bf lost 1 pound this week!  He eats a lot of his points late at night while watching tv.  He will have 8 points left and eat popcorn and candy.  But he is still losing weight and sticking to plan so I don’t bug him too much. 

I started taking a yoga class with my master teacher.  We see each other every day and then twice a week at night for yoga.  The yoga will be nice.  I really enjoyed my first class last night.  My body has been so stiff and there is a lot of sitting during the day as a teacher. 

 Have a wonderful day my dear friends.  I look forward to reading your blogs and seeing what is going on in your lives.

 Hugs, Bobbie

Thank you for all the encouraging posts.  I appreciate them.  I know it will probably be not until I lose 30-40 pounds before someone besides me will notice.   I know it will be a slow ride of 1 - 2 pounds at a time and that the lumps and bulges that create me will take time to smooth down and out.  Hearing it all from you - and getting the positive affirmations that I am headed in the right direction are music to my ears and give me the courage and the motivation to stay on path and not give up.  From the bottom of my heart - thank you for making me feel wonderful when what I see in the mirror doesn’t match what I feel like. 

 Hugs!

This week went well.  I lost 4.5 pounds.  YEAH!  My master teacher asked me how I did it.  I told her I was hungry.   I did not eat any flex points.  I want to lose weight more than I want to eat.   I would like to lose 2 lbs this week.  I did max out my points today - but again, did not touch my flex points.  I also got my butt out of bed to do the treadmill.   Sometimes I try to talk myself out of it and tell myself I will do it in the evening.  But once I am awake, I feel guilty and slip my sweatshirt on and get my shoes on to head out to the cold living room.  On Wendesday - weigh in day - it is worth it to see the numbers decline.    Sometimes, at home though, I get depressed.  20 pounds down and I am still fat.  I hate being fat.  My clothes don’t fit right.  They are bagging - but I am still fat.  I can’t wait until my weight loss is noticable to more than just me and I can’t wait to not be fat. 

My modem went down and I had to wait for the new one to arrive.  I missed all of you and couldn’t wait for a few quiet hours to catch up! 

 I weighed in on Wednesday.  I was UP 1 pound.  But I did not let that deter me.   I will make up for it at this week’s weigh in.  I didn’t eat badly, I just didn’t pay as close attention to my points.  I like to log things on the computer and not having it was a bummer.  So far, this week has gone well and I am looking forward to my weigh in.  I think I may hit my 20 pound mark.  If not 20 pounds, pretty darn close.

 I have a friend who is on WW and can’t seem to lose weight.  I went out after work with her last night and saw why.  Or at least in my opinion why.  She drank 3 beers and had no food.  I drank diet soda and had soup.  I didn’t eat the noodles in the soup so when I was finished all that was left was shell pasta in the bottom of the bowl.   I am student teaching in her room and it helps that we are both doing WW as we eat lunch together.  But she gets frustrated that I eat soup almost everyday.  But the fact of the matter is this - I LOVE soup when it is cold and rainy outside.  It is a major source of comfort for me and thank goodness I love the broth based kind.  I can eat Campbells Vegetable Beef soup everyday.   This has been my favorite since I was a little girl.  I can’t help it, I am a cheap date!  I am trying to mix my lunches up a little bit for her  benefit - isn’t that funny?  Yesterday I took a Lean Cuisine.  Those work for me too.  

I am glad to be back and happy to see that my friends are here and doing well.  Have a glorious weekend!

 Hugs, Bobbie  

I know I have lost 16.5 pounds of blubber off of my formally 235 body and it does feel good as things start to get lose.  But what sucks, is I am still fat and it will be awhile before anyone notices.  All this hard work and noone notices but me.   My friend Pat kind of noticed a few weeks ago but that was AFTER I told her I was doing WW.   I still have told noone else because I don’t want people to ask me how WW is going.  It is just frustrating to know that I will have to lose 30 pounds before someone might notice.  When I lose 30 pounds total I will be at 206 - still FAT!  I look forward to the summer because I will not be so FAT but will be FLUFFY instead. 

I am whining and complaining and bitching all at the same time here!  UGH! 

 I did get up and do the treadmill.  I did that before I did anything for anyone else.  My BF called and wanted to know how come I hadn’t called him yet - he’s at work.  It is because I decided to take care of me BEFORE I decided to give into the needs of others.  It felt good to get that out of the way and then I could call him back and talk for an hour and not feel stressed about still having to do the treadmill.  I am getting a cold/allergies take your pick they both bite and the treadmill helped a ton with the sweating and knocking everything lose. 

I can’t wait until I lose enough weight that my current pants fall off of me.  WHOOT! What a feeling that will be! 

 Off to the showers to wash some of this pity off of me! 

Today was weigh in day at WW.  I am down 1.4 for a total of 16.6 pounds.   So, rounding off I am at 218.  It is better to be in the teens of the twohundrends than in the thirties.  I can’t wait to hit 199 (I hope at the end of March).    That is when the excitement  begins.  Being in the 200’s SUCK!  So much blubber to lose in the 200’s.    My clothes are fitting loser.  Great on one hand but sucky on the other because I am baggy now.  I will wait until I am 199 to buy a couple of new pairs of pants.  I have tops to wear but not pants.  Clothes buying for the last 4 years has been on a need to buy basis - not because I like to but because I have to. 

My birthday falls on a Wednesday this year.  I can’t wait to see what my birthday weight will  be.  I am projecting it to be 156 on October 15th.  I am projecting to be at 140 lbs by December 24 (which is also a Wednesday).   By then I will have been on WW for 54 weeks.  It will be interesting to see how this all goes.  Of course, I will keep you posted. 

 Okay off to FINISH packing Christmas stuff.  LOL! 

Today I was in a meeting - boring!  so I decided to see how long it will take me to be to goal.  It is too much to look at one time!  I am going to be fat forever!  I know I will continue to lose weight but even when I lose 40/50 pounds, I will still be fat!  It’s depressing to look at it like that.  I will be at a weight where it’s okay if someone sees the scales by middle August.  I hope to reach goal by the end of October.  But by middle August I won’t still look like the fat lady - just someone who needs to lose a some weight instead of the fat middle aged woman.  So, I have to ignore all that and take it one week at a time.  My size 18 pants are loose.  I will celebrate the small goals and look forward to the day when it all comes together.

 I did the treadmill today.  My days off will be Sunday and Wednesday.  Wednesday is WW weigh in day.  I wish losing weight was as easy as gaining.  I never once did look at food during that time and say, “If I eat that box of donuts, I will gain two pounds this week.”  Now I look at food and it doesn’t hold the thrill it used to.  Instead of eating to destress, I stress if I eat.  I don’t want to gain weight.  I want to lose weight.  I will be glad when Aunt Flo leaves.  She always messes me up when she visits…

Hugs!

I woke up this morning and Aunt Flo had announced herself loud and clear. This is the first time I have had my TOM since I started WW and was wondering what the hell was up with 2 lb weight gain. I get it! Now I just have cramps and would like to roll up in a ball until it passes. I did do the treadmill. I think I heard or read somewhere that exercise is good during this time. That is crap! Nothing is good at this time except to whine and groan and stab anyone who comes near me! This also explains why I felt so fat and ugly yesterday. Okay it didn’t help that the girl at the MAC counter was rude. I went to the mall with no makeup because I thought I would treat myself to some MAC. But the girl didn’t even offer me a seat and put some ugly foundation on me. She was not helpful at all. I expect people at work to do thier job and be professional. If I ask someone what they recommend, I expect them to tell me not ask me what I want. I am not a makeup person. I did not go to beauty school and pick a makeup line training to learn about makeup and everything that goes with it. Now if you need your computer fixed, I am your girl. If you have an electronic gadget fixed - CALL ME. Questions regarding education - me again. But do your job and don’t be a bitch. Needless to say, I left and went and spend my money somewhere else. Okay I think I am done right now. I am going to take some Advil and go outside where the sun is shining. Hopefully I won’t stab anyone or bite thier head off. I am going to call my honey and warn him before he comes home that I feel like poop and I don’t have that lovin’ feeling. And these 2 lbs better leave before I go to weigh in on Wednesday. Damn treadmill - it’s going to own me.

I lost 2.4 pounds this week for a total of 15 since we started WW on December 12th.  We went to Mexican food for dinner where yes, I had  a few chips but also had the most divine grilled shrimp salad.  Very low cal, low points dinner with lots of yummy taste.  Tomorrow I already know I am going to the Chinese food restaurant and getting a big bowl of hot and sour soup!  More yummy taste and little points.  So, I guess I will keep my fat butt on the treadmill as it seems to be helping.  Dang!   Well, I read once that George Clooney says he only exercises not because he likes to but because it allows him to do the things he enjoys.  I hate when things make sense!