Trying to get the feeling again…

I want to be thin again so much it hurts.  Now that I have come out of my coma, what in the hell was I thinking when I was going through the drive thru at 10:30 at night or eating Jack in the Box tacos at midnight with my honey?  Today it sounds to stupid to look back at the abuse I did to myself.  This is not a proud moment but I have to write it so it is out of my system.  Once, I even went to two seperate McDonalds because I was too embarrassed to order all of the food at one.  Obviously I wasn’t embarrassed enough - I still did it.  I think at one I ordered a double cheeseburger and large fries and the other one I ordered a large fries and a grilled snackwrap and a chocolate sundae.  I only did that once.  But still.  What was I thinking…

I went grocery shopping today.  Ever feel like your honey is not on board with you?  He was complaining that we didn’t have any snacks in the house.  So in part of the cart I have grapefruit juice, V-8, Lean Cuisine,  Lean Pockets, veggies, sunflower seeds, beef jerkey, and Diet Pepsi.  In the other part I have Hot Tamales, Milk Duds, Potato Chips, Dip, Oreo Cookies, Coke, 7-Up, Marie Calendar’s dinners, bagels, Bacon, Frozen Pizza, and Fried Shrimp.  I am thinking to myself, “Self, could this feel more like an uphill battle than it already does?”  “Can I please get some flippin’ support here!”  Good thing I don’t really like any of the junk things he likes.  I looked at icecream for 30 seconds and walked QUICKLY away.  Who am I kidding!   He went to the donut shop yesterday and brought me back a muffin.  Did I ASK for a muffin, no!  But he was trying to be nice and thought it was better than a donut I guess.  I said thank you, ate a cheese stick and threw half of the muffin away.  I did eat half though but I did not beat myself up over it.  Today, I was in training and went to Taco Bell.  I ordered a Fiesta Salad but only ate half of the bowl.  Do you know how many calories I saved doing that?!  Next time it will only be two Tacos, Fresco Style.  But I am learning. 

 I don’t think my honey wants me thin or he doesn’t worry about it.  I haven’t come up with a verdict yet.  Luckily we are not home at the same time too often.  Most meals will not be a problem.  But it does seem like the entire world wants to go out and eat.  I am just learning how to deal with it.   Most of my friends need to lose weight.  But I don’t talk about what I am doing with them.  I have found in the past, people aren’t supportive. 

On our breaks during training, I walk around.  Walking is something I am trying to squeeze in.  On the last break Denise came up to me and said, “I realize now what you are doing.  You are walking!”  I pled guilty to the charge and told her I am working on a new me.  She thought it was a fabulous idea and asked if she could walk with me next time.  I told her sure and also told her about 3fatchicks and how helpful it is to blog. 

So this is my day.  Will I make it to the first 35 pounds?  I have lost 6 pounds so far. 

I went bathing suit shopping.  Tried a couple on.  Didn’t buy one though. Not because I looked bad - I know I did but because the one I have is fine and I know that next month, I will be smaller.  I looked at clothes and did not get depressed.  I got excited.  Why,would I at 230 lbs be excited at looking at clothes?  Because I looked at the ones I will be able to wear.  I did buy some makeup.  Lancome is having gift with purchase and the store was having a NO TAX day.  Doesn’t get much better than that.  So, I tried on bathing suits, looked at clothes, and did not get depressed.  I got excited.  I also parked as far away as I could from the store so that I would have to WALK to my car.  And walk I did in 103 degree weather.  I was hungry when I left.  I am trying to eat only when my body cues me to (and what a novel concept that is for me).  I went by McD’s and got a HUGO iced tea with Splenda (no calories) and a salsa grilled chicken snack wrap (250 calories) and it was perfect. 

I am excited with what the future holds.  I have Jell-O in the fridge in case I have a need to eat something sweet and I have 100 calorie popcorn bags on stand by too. 

Thanks for your support. 

Today I feel very proud of myself.  I went through McDonald’s drive thru (cue scary music) and I only ordered a HUGO iced tea!  No french fries (although I thought about it).  I felt like I won a victory after doing that.  I told my boyfriend of my crowning acheivement and he was not as thrilled about it as I.  He was worrying that I should have ordered a salad because I didn’t eat.  I understand his worry but he totally did not get that I was proud of not ordering the ever so tempting McDonald’s french fries.  And no, I am not starving myself. 

I found an online contest page where my exhusbands latest wife posted. She was talking about how they had such an expensive wedding even though people thought they should not have because it was each of their second weddings and in their 20’s they didn’t know better!  HELLO!  I am the second wife.  The one he married in his 30’s.  So far in each decade starting with his early 20’s he has had a different wife.   His third wife totally knows about me because he was married to me when they started seeing each other.   Funny story, I went to buy salsa at a Mexican restaurant and on my way out, noticed a man at a table trying to look invisible.  I got closer and realized it was my ex.  Both he and his wife were trying to hide in there plates.  I chuckled to myself and just walked past them.  I do have some class and would never make a scene.  It was funny seeing them try to disappear.  They were with two other people who were sitting on the other side of the table.  I don’t know them.  I guess I don’t count because my husband and I did not have children together, therefore, there is no “evidence” of our marriage of 10 years…. 

I went to the movies and saw 1408 tonight and ate NOTHING while there. No jujubes, no popcorn, no nachos, NOTHING.  I drank a large diet coke.  That’s it!  1408 is suspensful in some parts.  I love John Cusack! 

I am so proud about no popcorn, I could hug myself.   I went with a girlfriend and I think that made it easy.  No, she doesn’t know about my quest to  be good.  If I were at the movies with my boyfriend, it could have been harder.  He is a junkie.  If is has no nutritional value at all, he’ll eat it. 

 Big Hugs, Bobbie

I am amazed how much I have to keep myself busy so I don’t eat.  I am currently on here writing because it keeps me busy.  I check my email 100’s of times a day to keep my fingers busy.  I usually have my faithful companion of Caffine Free Diet Pepsi with me.  I am going to refill prescriptions on line when I am finished writing to keep my hands busy.  It is amazing.  Otherwise,  I would find myself standing at the kitchen counter eating whatever I pulled out of the cupboard or fridge.  I am going to the movies and dinner tonight with a friend.  I am not scared.  I have a plan.  And I realllllly want to be under 200 for my birthday in October. 

Want to hear something funny?  I have told NO ONE what I am doing.  You know, working on losing weight.  It’s like I don’t need to discuss it with anyone because I have all of you here and I know you understand each and every word I am saying.  Getting this blog was the best thing I could have done.  Much better than weight watchers, which I cannot get into to save my fat life.  My doctor recommended it to me when I begged for help and I wanted to poke him in the eye.  It doesn’t work for me.  What does work is counting calories.  I think of it like a checkbook.  You start each day with a certain amount of money and deduct from that.  It’s easy for me and I don’t have to think about points.  And no one has to know I am counting calories.  I think I like keeping it a secret better.   It seems like sometimes when people KNOW you are trying to eat better and lose weight, they aren’t very helpful. 

Thanks for listening.  It’s nice here in California.  85 degrees to be exact and cooling to 60 degrees tonight. 

 Kisses! 

I slowly opened my fridge - looking for something to eat.  It’s 10 p.m. and there is NO time I don’t eat - usually.  But it is different now.  I reallllly want to lose weight.  I realllly do.  So, I grab the bowl of sugar free Jell-O I made this morning - just in case and am eating it now, with no guilt.  I told myself, if I wanted to, I could eat the whole bowl because the entire bowl has no sugar, no carbs, and 80 calories.  I am not going to be able to eat the whole bowl.  It is too filling.  But it is very satisfying because I can slirp it into my mouth and it is sweet.  Damn, how come I didn’t eat Jell-O when I was eating all those little white powered donuts?!?!?!?  

I am happy though, now with my Jell-O. 

I look at woman my age or a little older who are fat and have “settled” into being their size and it scares me.  Have they given up because it’s impossible to lose?  They talk about how well they eat or how little they eat yet, they are not slim by any stretch of the imagination.  I miss being in my teens and twenties when all I had to do was think about losing weight and I did.  But at that time I was 130 and wanted to be 120-125 because I was too fat!  Oh, to be that fat again! 

 I messed up and reamed my exhusband for something he did not do.  BIG TIME reamed him.  It was an honest mistake on my part but I feel bad.  I can’t apoligize as we don’t talk at all and I emailed him at his wife’s shop and he wouldn’t care if I apoligized as I don’t matter.  He doesn’t even count me as one of his three marriages…  No, I wasn’t raised Catholic but I can do guilt when I am wrong with the best of them. 

I am tired, exhausted really.  Didn’t do bad eating today.  I am trying to make food a non important part of my life.  So far, okay. 

 Good night

So, I come home from a fun evening with dinner with a friend and there is a message on my answering machine.  There is a message from a BMW sales person thanking my ex husband for coming in and looking at cars.  My ex husband is remarried and hasn’t shared a phone number with me in 4 years!  What is with him?  But, I am done eating  because of him!  I erased the message, grabbed a caffine free Diet Pepsi - I don’t drink the caffinated kind anymore - and logged on here to type out my frustrations instead of eating them!  I AM going to lose 35 pounds beofre my birthday in October.  That will be the best birthday present in the world!  Of course I will have to lose another 60 after that but I will worry about that in October.  For now, my sites are set on 35 pounds.  I guess I will have to put to use the treadmill that has taken up residence in my living room.  I won’t be able to ignore it anymore. 

My day is winding down.  I am finished eating.  Actually I didn’t do too bad today.  No simple carbs - my weakness.  String cheese, chicken breast, veggies, kept me full today.  I need to bring on the exercise.  HAHAHA  my body laughs at me.  But I have this perfectly good treadmill staring me down telling me there is no reason why I can’t take a walk on it.  It’s true I know but dang!  I hate when a piece of machinery has more sense than I do! 

 My name is Bobbie, I eat way too much.  I weigh 235.  I hope to weigh 199 by my birthday in October.  No wait, I WILL weigh 199 by October.