Trying to get the feeling again…

I thougth I would post about some of my favorite foods - fast foods  that is - as I come across them. 

Today I had charbroiled chicken salad from Baja Fresh.  No dressing but instead had Pico de Gallo.  It was a wonderful salad.  And it only cost me 6 points.  I brought it home and had a couple of warmed up corn tortillas with it.  Yes, I buy corn tortillas in large quantities.  I highly recommend this salad from Baja Fresh.  It is yummy and filling.  What more could a girl want besides some little white powered donuts? 

 Sometimes being good is so hard. 

I’m not bad - I’m just drawn that way

I did  a lot of nothing today.  I did surf the internet.  I did pay some bills.  I did do the treadmill.  (yeah).  I did check on my chicks here.  I did send a few emails.   BF leaves for work at 2 p.m. so I have the remainder of the day to myself.  I like to have time to do nothing.  Dinner was 4 corn tortillas and some beans.  I wasn’t going to eat at all but I started getting a headache.  Corn tortillas are only 1 point each in WW land and 1 point is a good thing.  I am still below points for the day but I am not starving so I don’t care.  I am sure I will wake up in the morning and care though. 

 Yesterday I really wanted a Taco Bell bean burrito but those suckers are 7 points.  So I bought pintos and cheese instead and brought them home and put them on a whole grain tortilla.  Pintos and Cheese are 3 points and tortilla is 1 point.  It was good and I felt like a brainiac for thinking that one up!  I saved myself 3 points and since I only get 25 points a day, I have to save as much as I can.   As I lose more weight, I will get less points - depressing.  If I had a penis, I would get to eat a lot more points.  But since I only have a uterus, I don’t get as many! 

Time for a shower.  I will do a speed pick up around the house first to look like I actually did something today.  Good night and sweet dreams!

I went and weighed in yesterday.  I am down 4.4 pounds for a total of 30 pounds.   I did have a Togo’s sandwich tonight.  No. 9, my favorite.  It barely fit into the day.  I did go to yoga and do the treadmill for 30 minutes so that gave me extra points to use.  Whew!  I will have to rethink that one before I do it again.   I didn’t eat all of the bread on my sandwich.  Next time, I will eat the meat but not the bread of one entire half.    It won’t be anytime soon though.  

I guess the hardest part is when you have memories or reminders of the past of when things were good.  And you try to remember when it started going bad.  What happened first.  When did it get out of control.  How did it ever get so far gone.  I guess it gets to a point where it shouldn’t matter anymore.  But I think it does matter when you don’t know the answers to these questions.  Maybe not knowing when important relationships went wrong contributed to my stuffing my face with food until nothing mattered anymore.  I certainly did not grow up with loving and caring parents.  I have had to stumble through life, as I am sure most of us have, trying to figure out what is a good relationship.  Would I recognize one if it slapped me in the face?   I know as time slips by, we forget the bad things and only remember the good things.  I have had to make myself remember the bad times.   They were bad.  Really bad. 

It’s late and I have J. Geils playing One Last Kiss.   It’s time to go to rest my weary mind. 

Why does the past hurt?    I found some old videotape - played it.  It was from 1999.  I was married.  I  had a family.  We were happy.  Honeythis and honeythat.  Smile for me.  You look so handsome.  You look so  beautiful.

 The kids were great.  They were sweet.   They loved me. 

 That all changed in 2002.  I got fat.  He checked out.  Became selfish is what my therapist explained to me.  The kids started to not love me.  They were 14 and 15 and had raging hormones.  I was working too much and going to school too much.   He quit his job because the network marketers told him that he was spending too much time working for the man and if he spent that much time working for himself, he could be a millionaire.  I was told I needed to sacrifice.  Like I hadn’t given enough in life and life hadn’t taken more than its fair share.   I was encouraged to quit college and support my man like I was living in a damn Tammy Wynette song.  That may have all worked out fine and well for Hillary Clinton but it didn’t bode well for me.  I grew unhappy.  He grew disconnected.  My bucket was empty and had a huge hole in the bottom.  I tried to tell him.  He didn’t listen.  I wanted to seperate - I had hopes he would come to his senses because he loved me so much - he had a girlfriend instead that I found out about.  I filed for divorce - he didn’t want to.  If we could work things out he would break up with his girlfriend.  By this time she had been in my house, my bed, and met his family.  I threw him and his kids out of my house and moved back in.  I was the bitch and they have all hated me ever since. 

It was worse then them dying.   I lost so many people in the divorce and then I raise the question -

Did they ever love me?  Or was I just convenient at the time?  Once I became inconvenient, did I lose my worth? 

He is remarried.  Number 3.  He is not a millionaire.  The son almost died of a drug overdose. Father sent him to live in Florida with mom.  The same mom we took him away from.  She is a drug addict.  It killed me to learn of this.   The daughter is estranged from her father and lives with friends and has dabbled with drugs and drinks way too much.  She is strong and smart and will overcome and be successful.  Son may not.  He was like a balloon - if he started to stray, you had to pull him back in.  He was easy to pull in.  He just liked to test you to see how far you would let him go; if you would let him go.   Who pulls him in now?   I have kept a distant eye over the kids.  My heart misses them.  Still.  I reached out to them - nothing. 

A lifetime ago.  In 1999, I weighed 145 pounds.  I will be at that weight or lower again.  But the family, I will never  have that again.   Maybe someday they will understand and I won’t have to be the bad person.  Maybe someday I won’t care. 

Maybe…. 

 Damn videotape. 

I was singing in the car on my way home from Dublin (CA not Ireland) and I realized how music means so much to me.  I love music.  I love singing.  TV bugs me.  I can sometimes sit through a movie.  I love to read.

When I was young, my parents had a stereo.  The kind that was a big piece of furniture.  You opened the lid and there was the radio controls and the record player inside.  There was also a little place where you could store some of your records aka vinyl lp’s.  I would play my mom’s Supreme records.  I loved to sing at the top of my lungs to Diana Ross!  I also listened to Lloyd Price sing Stagger Lee and Dodie Stevens sing Pink Shoelaces.    When I was in elementry school, I would play my K-Tel records in the house.  Helen Reddy, Captain and Tennelle, Ozark Mountain Daredevils, Neil Sedaka,  Paper Lace, David Geddes  and more could be heard all on the same album.    I loved 45’s too because I could buy the songs I wanted.  Much better even than a K-Tel record.

My friend Laurie and I wore out Elton John’s Rock of the Westies album.  Her mom was into John Denver and would blast the music when she drove us around.  We would scream and hide on the floor.  Her mom would laugh and turn the music up louder. 

In junior high, I had the required Frampton Comes Alive! album that was required to be cool.  I also got Toys in the Attic and in eighth grade I met Kat and we got into KISS!  She was an only child and had a record player in her room and we would spend hours lip syncing KISS songs and playing air guitar.    I spent hours next to my tiny cassette recorder waiting for my favorite song to come on the radio so I could record it.  When it came on, I prayed the DJ would shut up so I could get most of the song.   I had that cassette recorder for years.

The 80’s came and I loved all the new music - Flock of Seagulls, Loverboy, Donnie Iris, Elvis Costello, Phil Seymour and more.  I was also a closet Barry Manalow and Neil Diamond fan.    I also loved Country music and would sit next to the love of my life, Gregg, in his truck while Waylon, Willie, Merle, Dottie West, and Rosanne Cash lamented about lost loves and broken hearts.  My parents by this time had a bookshelf stereo system that played Ronnie Milsap and Don Williams.  I listened to them too.  Of course Elvis was always a staple even though he had died a decade before.  I ditched high school to listen to Van Halen with my friends Kat, Dan, and Greg.  I have seen Van Halen with David Lee and with Sammy. 

 Gregg and I also got into the big hair bands and Tesla, Poison, Cinderella,  Motley Crew, and the Scorpians were mixed in the Country albums.  Bryan Adams was a must have and we did have.  All on vinyl.  All in perfect condition.   It was with Gregg I honed my knowledge and love for all music.    I fell in love with Kip Winger when I saw him on MTV.   I couldn’t wait to see him in concert.   

AC/DC reminds me of Troy.  Quarterflash reminds me of Michael.  Mister Mister reminds me of Christine, John, and Ricki.  Phil Seymour reminds me of Gloria.  Most 80’s music reminds me of Gregg.  Kiss reminds me of Kenny and Kat.  Kenny is a big KISS fan too and would take me around in his car.  We would blare COME ON AND LOVE ME or LOVE GUN full blast.  I cried to Glen Frey’s “The One You Love” and danced my ass off to Loverboy.  Journey reminds me of Steve and so does April Wine.  Heart reminds me of babysitting for Ed and Kathy.  They had the album Dreamboat Annie.  I was in junior high and would play that album whenever I went to babysit. 

The 90’s came and Gregg and I broke up.   I remember listening to Skid Row, Nirvana and The Offspring.  In fact I still have all the CD’s and albums I have aquired over the decades.   Phantom of the Opera reminds me of Steve.  He made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.  But he was married so that didn’t work out too well. 

I met Mike in ‘92 and married him and his children in ‘95.  The Black Crows, The Counting Crows, and REM played on the CD player.  Although I would listen to “my” music when no one was home or in the car.  Mike wanted me to get rid of my old CD’s.  He said I didn’t listen to them.  No, HE didn’t listen to them and didn’t like them.  He didn’t know that Pat Benetar still rocked and that I drove in the country crying my eyes out to Gone Away when my friend died in ‘04. 

What is the purpose of this post?   I don’t know.  I could make a timeline of my life with music.   A song can stop me dead in my tracks and make a memory play in my head as soon as it starts.   I love music - it helps me remember things I have forgotten. 

 Have a lucious day! 

I realized while walking on the treadmill I no longer need to lose 100 pounds.  When I get to 200 which should be this week or next, I will only need to lose 60-65 pounds.  The elephant is shrinking and getting easier to eat. 

 I think yoga is helping.  I go two nights a week and each class lasts 1.5 hours.  I hate yoga - it’s hard (now I am whining) but I think it is helping making me stronger and working those muscles that haven’t seen a lot of action in a long time.  I only have two more weeks to go but think I will sign up for another 10 classes.  I may even get good at it. 

 I was lamenting to my master teacher, who is also on WW, that it’s a bummer to lose 25 pounds and have people not notice.  She replied to me (because someone said this to her), “Well if you took a cup of water from the ocean, do you think anyone would notice?  This is the same thing.  You have to lose a lot more for someone to notice.” 

 There you go.  Someone is always willing to SLAP you in the face with reality.   

Just a quick check in.  I lost 4.2 lbs this week!  I was amazed.  And happy.  Hugs!

I went to the mall this weekend.  Alone.  For 6 hours.  It never happens but I did it.  I also ate a pretzel with cheese while I was there.  It wasn’t very good. I was so disappointed. 

 I was shopping for a new pair of jean as my old ones are too big and look stupid on me.  I found a pair and bought them.  They should carry me for the next two month.  Then I will buy another pair.  Right now, I am not trying to be a fashion queen - I am trying to lose weight and am not going to spend a lot of money on clothes I will outgrow in two months. 

I also bought a bra.  Same story as the jeans.   I only had one good bra.  I refused to buy any new ones until I lost weight.  I threw the old one away.  It was in a sad and embarrassing state.  It should have been burned.  Good thing I never got into an accident in that bra or else they would have kicked me out of the ambulance. 

I looked for comforter sets but could not bring myself to spend $300 on one.  I am looking for purple/violet colors. 

I shopped for purses too.  My purse is HUGE and I am tired of it right now.  I haven’t found the perfect one yet.  When I do - it will call out my name.  I had purses I like but it seems my daughter has taken all of them.   She does that - takes my things forever. 

I bought an expensive pair of sunglasses.  I never do that - never have done that but decided that a good pair of polarized sunglasses would be a good investment.  Maui Jim’s.  What a difference they make.  Would cheaper sunglasses have done the trick?  I don’t know.  But I love these.  And I am not a material girl.  But I do love quality things.  I would rather have a few quality items than a bunch of cheap things.

I was naked in the dressing room. And while I didn’t love what I saw - I didn’t hate it either because I know this is my temporary state and that I can change what I look like.  No one else controls this but me.  I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before.  I can be as sexy or dumpy as I want to be. 

I got my brows done at the Benefits counter.  I love Benefits makeup.  I bought some primer.  It felt good and I like the way it looked under my foundation.  Actually, the Benefits gal did my face and it was so much fun. 

That was my day at the mall. 

Today I was thinking and I realized that I am glad I need to lose weight.  I have never ever been this heavy in my life - It is a wake up call to lose 20+ pounds and not fit into a size 9.  The most overweight I have ever been is 35 pounds.  Until the divorce.  Until I didn’t give a damn anymore.  Until I decided who cares, they always cheat.  All of them.  It never mattered how pretty, smart, educated, nice, sexy, anything I was.  They always cheat.  And it always hurt.  And it always took too much away.  BF doesn’t know me at any weight lower than 195.   Boy is he in for a surprise.  Oh, he asked me when I came home from shopping if I was happy with the new size I bought.  I laughed and said NO but I don’t mind it because it is a temporary size so it will do for now.

Anyway I was saying I was glad I needed to lose weight.  I am because it showed me how bad I can be to myself.   Hurting myself  didn’t change anything; food did not make my life better.   I do realize I need to eat better and exercise and that it makes a difference.  I have been a positive role model for my family and they are sticking to eating better and exercising too.  Good things have come out of this.    I have met some wonderful people on this site too and would not have met them if I were not on this journey.   I am excited for all of us for how this year will play out.  We are all on the same road; just using different vehicles to get where we are going. 

I hope you have a wonderful evening and tomorrow my friends.  Hugs to all of you!  Together we will acheive what we need to acheive.  Thank you for giving me strength.

I am down 1.4 pounds this week for a total of 24.4 pounds since December 12, 2007.  I think not bad for two months.  

I  have a ton of homework to do.  I am getting evaluated tomorrow by my student teacher supervisor.  I have to be ready.

Good night my friends.