Trying to get the feeling again…

One of my favorite Go-Go’s songs.  I need a vacation.  I haven’t taken a real one since I can’t rememeber.  I don’t mean a day or two in Tahoe or the coast or visiting my sister.  I mean a get the hell out of Dodge vacation.  I thought for a long time, why do I need one?  I have a decent house, I have a pool and hot tub.  Why do I need a vacation?  So I can rest!  It has finally hit me up side the head.  This chick is tired and needs to get away.  Like all of us, I end up taking care of the entire world before I take care of myself.  I need some time without a phone, email, texting - anything.  I need to NOT have to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and clean up the mess afterwards.  So why don’t I go away?  I can’t.  I don’t have a job- I student teach for free for 5 months.  That ends at the end of May but working for free is hurting my bank account.   Actually, I have to pay to work for free.  The only vacation I am going to get is unplugging the phones, shutting everything off, and ordering take out.  There is no room service here though.  And no one is going to bring me drinks by the pool.  SIGH!  I have to talk to honey to see if he will work OT so we can go away before I have a nervous breakdown.  Of course, no going away until the end of May.  I am tired of all the hoops just to teach.  I am glad I didn’t know about them before hand or else I don’t think I would have done this. 

 I am going to rest my head.  Good night sweet chicks.

I wqeighed in yesterday.  I stayed exactly the same as the week before.  I think it is because I am not eating as often as I do when I am working and have a routine.  By working I mean student teaching and not getting paid.  And by routine I mean eating every couple of hours.  I usually eat breakfast for 3 points around 7 a.m.  Snack of fruit and yogurt or cheese OR veggies and light dip OR Fiber One Bar around 10 a.m. recess for 2 points, Lunch around noon for 7 points, afternoon snack of nuts or cheese for 3 points, dinner around 4:30 - 5 p.m. for 10 points. If I end up having 2 points available, I will eat a Skinny Cow icecream for 2 points sometime after dinner.    This routine is hard to pull off just being at home which I was for Easter Break.  It’s nice to be back in the groove again.  Yes, I pack all this every morning.   I have one of those Lean Cuisine lunch bags - Love IT !  It is soooo roomy and hold a lot. 

 Time for yoga Chicks!

 Toodles

Today was the fist day of my new nine week assignment for student teaching.  I am in a Special Day Class-Learning Handicapped.  My master teacher  (MT) is really nice and so is her aide.  MT took me to lunch along with her husband and aide.  They all ate cheeseburgers.  Check that.  MT and Aide at cheeseburgers, husband at biscuits and gravy.  I really wanted a cheeseburger but could not justify having it so I had the barley soup and salad.  It was good and I got over the cheeseburger.  I did promise myself that if on Wednesday or Thursday (one is a cheat day) I will have a cheeseburger.   A couple of weeks ago I wanted a Hostess HoHo.  By the time Wednesday came around, I had forgotten all about it.  Until now.  But I really don’t want one anymore.   What I remember is that I did not give into a want. 

 I walked for 4 miles today.  Time to feed the dog and hit the showers.  I am finished with exercise for the day.  Yippee skippy!

 Hugs to all you chicks!  MUAH!

Went to yoga Thursday night.  We had a substitute instructor.  Very sweet and bendy.  During Savasana, she was speaking about letting go of what is holding us back and imagining ourselves letting it go and fly out our car window.  It made me think of how I have held on to a lost love for almost 20 years.  I realize I need to let it go because maybe I can’t fully  be in love with anyone because I have not allowed myself to.  How can I fall in love with someone when I am holding on to someone who isn’t there anymore and who never really was.  We were together for 7 years and  had known each other for 12 but the universe had different plans and us being together was not in the plan.  All I have been doing my entire life since then is trying to get the feeling back.  I realize now that I need to let go .  To do so, I will go to the store and buy a latex balloon.  On that balloon I will write a message to him and let him go to float into the sky.  We never said goodbye.  We never broke up like people do.  A lot of things were left unspoken.  A lot of wounds were left exposed.  It’s time to move on and realize he is NOT coming back - NEVER EVER and even if he did, he is a different person.  He will never be the person I fell in love with.  I know I have missed out on a lot of love because of my subconscience inability to let go.  I would love to fall in love again.  Deep and hard.  I would love to have someone else be the love of my life and feel giddy and alive again. 

 I had a best friend of 25 years and 5 years ago, about the time of my divorce, she quit talking to me.  Oh, if she saw me, she was nice.  Only because we worked at the same place and I am sure she did not want to make a scene.  But she slowly drew away from me.  I saw what was happening but since I was going through a divorce, I could barely keep myself sane let alone ponder what was going on with us.  Her daughter told me that she said she was no longer talking to me but would be nice to me if she saw me.  This was hard.  What happened?  I could only speculate.  We had different views on how to handle things like our children being gay, unwed pregnancy, marriage…   Last week I wrote her a letter apoligizing for any wrong doing on my part and telling her I missed her and would never close the door on her because life is too long for absolutes.  I also told her I wished she would have talked to me before ending our friendship.  I haven’t heard back and I won’t.   I know now we are over - at least for this part of our lives.  I may never know why. 

My goal this week is to get my balloon and to let it go.  And to realize that kisses aren’t promises.  And always isn’t forever.  People leave and sometimes if we are lucky, we get to say goodbye. 

I went to WW this morning.  I lost 3.4 pounds this week.  That makes up for the half pound I gained last week.  Whew!   AND I broke 200 pounds.   I know that it is all downhill from here.  Climbing out of the 200’s was a bitch.  Now I only have 62 pounds to go.  It used to be 100 so I won’t complian too much.  I did go to lunch today with my daughter.  We had Mexinan food.  I ate chips and salsa.  I ate a beef tortilla but I did not eat the shell.  I only ate half of the rice and beans that came with the lunch too.  I like going out to lunch as opposed to dinner.  With dinner, the servings are too big.  Lunch is cheaper too. 

 My boyfriend called me to tell me I don’t have health insurance.  I am a little pissed at him about this.  I left my job and in December my benefits ran out.  He assured me he could get me on his and not to worry.  Blah Blah Blah.  Well, it is March and I still don’t have an insurance card.  I have been busting his chops about where my benefits are.  I knew he dropped the ball somewhere and since I am not into letting  sleeping dogs lie, I basically threatened his life to find out where MY benefits are.  He called me to tell me that some paperwork wasn’t completed and he still has them but I have NONE!   This does not make me happy and just proves my point as to why you can’t depend upon other people to take care of your stuff for you.  It never is as important to them as it is to you and somehow seems to fall to the wayside.   He gets upset because I depend upon him.  PLEASE!  He told me if I married him, I would get benefits.  HA!  I have been providing for myself since I was 17 years old including having benefits.  I need a better reason than that to get married.  I am just upset that he let this very important thing fall through the cracks.  What if I get hurt?  What if I have to go to the doctor?  I have nothing until I get a job. 

Peepshow 

I went and weighed in on Wednesday and was UP half a pound.  Well, that isn’t good so this week I have to lose that 1/2 pound and a bit more to go with it. 

I paid for 6 months of yoga - through September.  It will be interesting to see what I look like in September.  I realize this is a journey I am taking and it is going to take some time to get to a point where I am happy where I am and where I have been.  It is hard to realize that I let myself go and didn’t care enough to love me.  I am learning a lot every day.  I am not crash dieting but making some positive changes in my life.   I am eating a buttload of veggies.  I actually craved pineapple yesterday and kick myself that I did not buy the big fruit bowl at Costco.  I did get my pineapple fix - canned and not as good as fresh.   I think my skin is looking better too because of the lack of refined carbs.  Or maybe it’s because I started taking care of it again and not going to bed with my make up on.   I do eat bread and pasta but not as often as I used to.  I will never give up my baked potato though.    I recently started drinking iced green tea sweetened with Splenda.  It is pretty good stuff.  I used to only buy it at Starbucks but why give them my hard earned cash when I can make this at home and drink it more often.  I don’t really care for Starbucks and don’t want to support them. 

My soul feels discombobulated  - I am bugged.  I am annoyed.  I feel like a hand me down sometimes.  It has to do with being adopted into the most selfish fucked up family in the world and then finding the most selfish birthmom  in the world.  I will explain someday but not all people adopt a child because they love them and they are awesome people.  Nope, sometime people adopt children because they are selfish and want to adopt a baby to fill a hole they have or to save a marriage;  but they don’t want the baby to grow up.  When it does, they don’t want it anymore.  I call it the puppy syndrome.  Everyone wants a puppy - not everyone wants a dog.  This is getting too long. Sorry.  Another blog.  I have one I have been saving called birthmother.  I started it about three months ago.  Good night sweet chicks.  I love you all.  We are wonderful people.  We’re just a little fluffy. 

So I went and got certified in CPR this morning.  Who needs to sleep in when you can learn to save a life?  Actually my reasons are not so noble.  I need CPR training so that I can get my teaching credential.  What else do I need to know to teach?

This week will be my last week in second grade.  I will have completed 9 weeks of second grade for my multiple subject credential.  I bought them ice cream yesterday and we watched the video of me teaching them.    My next nine week assignment will be in special education - learning handicapped to be precise.  After that - who knows!  Hopefully I will be able to get a job.  Thank you Arnold Schwarzenegger for deciding to cut the education budget by MILLIONS of dollars.  That’s what we get for having an actor for a governor.  Better than having one for president I guess - wait!  we already did that too.  Well, I had the foresight to get two teaching credentials so maybe that will help.  I could go off on a political rant here but won’t.

I watched my video and am still alarmed at how fat I am.  Three months from now, I won’t be as alarmed.  But I can’t give up now - I have seen the proof.  And it is not pretty.  One day at a time.  That’s all I can do.  So I will deal with today and tomorrow will come soon enough.

I need to go do the treadmill.  I did nothing yesterday but yoga on Thursday night about kicked my butt and why torture myself more than I need to?

Have a happy day!

I am down 2.4 this week.  I was scared and thought I hadn’t lost any.  Whew!  Total loss 33. 

 I am tired today.  I think it’s all the blossoms in the air.  Allergies.  Blech! 

I am going to watch Gone Baby Gone.

 Good night Chicks! 

There I said it!  I hate it hate it hate it!  It’s so depressing sometimes.  Most of the times.  Blah!!!!  I hate that I let myself get this far gone.  I hate looking fat, being fat.  I hate the fat stomach thing that hangs down.  I hate losing weight and still being fat.  Yes, I AM complaining, bitching, whining, bellyaching, whatever you want to call it.  I am just trying to do what I can NOT become overwhelmed.  And I feel like this AFTER yoga.  Imagined how I felt BEFORE yoga. 

 What triggered this?  I had to watch my video of me teaching.  I HATE looking at me. 

 Done - now I am going to take a shower.  And drink some water.  Oh joy!