Went to yoga Thursday night.  We had a substitute instructor.  Very sweet and bendy.  During Savasana, she was speaking about letting go of what is holding us back and imagining ourselves letting it go and fly out our car window.  It made me think of how I have held on to a lost love for almost 20 years.  I realize I need to let it go because maybe I can’t fully  be in love with anyone because I have not allowed myself to.  How can I fall in love with someone when I am holding on to someone who isn’t there anymore and who never really was.  We were together for 7 years and  had known each other for 12 but the universe had different plans and us being together was not in the plan.  All I have been doing my entire life since then is trying to get the feeling back.  I realize now that I need to let go .  To do so, I will go to the store and buy a latex balloon.  On that balloon I will write a message to him and let him go to float into the sky.  We never said goodbye.  We never broke up like people do.  A lot of things were left unspoken.  A lot of wounds were left exposed.  It’s time to move on and realize he is NOT coming back - NEVER EVER and even if he did, he is a different person.  He will never be the person I fell in love with.  I know I have missed out on a lot of love because of my subconscience inability to let go.  I would love to fall in love again.  Deep and hard.  I would love to have someone else be the love of my life and feel giddy and alive again. 

 I had a best friend of 25 years and 5 years ago, about the time of my divorce, she quit talking to me.  Oh, if she saw me, she was nice.  Only because we worked at the same place and I am sure she did not want to make a scene.  But she slowly drew away from me.  I saw what was happening but since I was going through a divorce, I could barely keep myself sane let alone ponder what was going on with us.  Her daughter told me that she said she was no longer talking to me but would be nice to me if she saw me.  This was hard.  What happened?  I could only speculate.  We had different views on how to handle things like our children being gay, unwed pregnancy, marriage…   Last week I wrote her a letter apoligizing for any wrong doing on my part and telling her I missed her and would never close the door on her because life is too long for absolutes.  I also told her I wished she would have talked to me before ending our friendship.  I haven’t heard back and I won’t.   I know now we are over - at least for this part of our lives.  I may never know why. 

My goal this week is to get my balloon and to let it go.  And to realize that kisses aren’t promises.  And always isn’t forever.  People leave and sometimes if we are lucky, we get to say goodbye.