I went to the mall this weekend.  Alone.  For 6 hours.  It never happens but I did it.  I also ate a pretzel with cheese while I was there.  It wasn’t very good. I was so disappointed. 

 I was shopping for a new pair of jean as my old ones are too big and look stupid on me.  I found a pair and bought them.  They should carry me for the next two month.  Then I will buy another pair.  Right now, I am not trying to be a fashion queen - I am trying to lose weight and am not going to spend a lot of money on clothes I will outgrow in two months. 

I also bought a bra.  Same story as the jeans.   I only had one good bra.  I refused to buy any new ones until I lost weight.  I threw the old one away.  It was in a sad and embarrassing state.  It should have been burned.  Good thing I never got into an accident in that bra or else they would have kicked me out of the ambulance. 

I looked for comforter sets but could not bring myself to spend $300 on one.  I am looking for purple/violet colors. 

I shopped for purses too.  My purse is HUGE and I am tired of it right now.  I haven’t found the perfect one yet.  When I do - it will call out my name.  I had purses I like but it seems my daughter has taken all of them.   She does that - takes my things forever. 

I bought an expensive pair of sunglasses.  I never do that - never have done that but decided that a good pair of polarized sunglasses would be a good investment.  Maui Jim’s.  What a difference they make.  Would cheaper sunglasses have done the trick?  I don’t know.  But I love these.  And I am not a material girl.  But I do love quality things.  I would rather have a few quality items than a bunch of cheap things.

I was naked in the dressing room. And while I didn’t love what I saw - I didn’t hate it either because I know this is my temporary state and that I can change what I look like.  No one else controls this but me.  I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before.  I can be as sexy or dumpy as I want to be. 

I got my brows done at the Benefits counter.  I love Benefits makeup.  I bought some primer.  It felt good and I like the way it looked under my foundation.  Actually, the Benefits gal did my face and it was so much fun. 

That was my day at the mall. 

Today I was thinking and I realized that I am glad I need to lose weight.  I have never ever been this heavy in my life - It is a wake up call to lose 20+ pounds and not fit into a size 9.  The most overweight I have ever been is 35 pounds.  Until the divorce.  Until I didn’t give a damn anymore.  Until I decided who cares, they always cheat.  All of them.  It never mattered how pretty, smart, educated, nice, sexy, anything I was.  They always cheat.  And it always hurt.  And it always took too much away.  BF doesn’t know me at any weight lower than 195.   Boy is he in for a surprise.  Oh, he asked me when I came home from shopping if I was happy with the new size I bought.  I laughed and said NO but I don’t mind it because it is a temporary size so it will do for now.

Anyway I was saying I was glad I needed to lose weight.  I am because it showed me how bad I can be to myself.   Hurting myself  didn’t change anything; food did not make my life better.   I do realize I need to eat better and exercise and that it makes a difference.  I have been a positive role model for my family and they are sticking to eating better and exercising too.  Good things have come out of this.    I have met some wonderful people on this site too and would not have met them if I were not on this journey.   I am excited for all of us for how this year will play out.  We are all on the same road; just using different vehicles to get where we are going. 

I hope you have a wonderful evening and tomorrow my friends.  Hugs to all of you!  Together we will acheive what we need to acheive.  Thank you for giving me strength.