Trying to get the feeling again…

I write this because it has been on my mind. I came home from work last week and got my ass chewed when I walked in the door.  Now I think at 43 I am a little too old to have an ass chewing from anyone.   I don’t talk to anyone like this and I don’t expect to be talked to like this.   Maybe that is unrealistic but in my world, that is how I choose to have it.  BF was upset because I was “late”.  Did I know I was late?  Nope.  But he came home from work early - I didn’t know he was coming home early because he didn’t tell me but according to his logic I should have known because he has been coming home early on Fridays!  OHMYGOD!  I left my crystal ball in my other purse!  Did he call me to tell me or make sure I wasn’t dead on the side of the road?  NOPE!  Because he said he shouldn’t have to call me.  I should have called him to let him know I was late when I didn’t know I was late because he was early. 

I hate when someone writes a script for you and forgets to give you a copy.  You will always screw up because you won’t know the dialouge.

He will make digs and has made digs in the past few weeks when I have gone out with friends and come home later than he thought I should be.  Again, no call or verbal confirmation on what time I will be in.  But I will get the dig BAM! right when I walk in.  The week before I went for drinks with my master teacher.   He knew it, he blessed me, he didn’t want to go.  I get home three hours later because I had gone by the grocery store and get the shitty remarks right when I walk in.  Please can I put down the $80 in groceries first and put them away before you start in?!  SHIT!

 He doesn’t like to go anywhere - I am all he needs - I doubt it I think it is just too much trouble to put up with other people.  But I can’t be the everything.  Because I am really not that wonderful or interesting.

So, I walk out of the room last friday because I am not into ass chewing.  Doesn’t feel good and there was no foreplay involved.  I might add, he was in the office playing Sim City.  I went in the kitchen, unloaded dishwasher, cleaned kitchen, folded laundry, started laundry - you know the basic bitch chores.  I got cold when I was folding laundry because I knew there would be more conversation.  It wasn’t done.  He is a Gemini just like my mom and it brought back memories of “pick a personality” for me.  When I used to live at home,  everyday I would stop by the gate before I entered the yard and try to gauge my mom’s mood before I entered because you were going to get her mood right when you walked in.  Was it love (not every often), was it yelling ( probably) or hitting (big possibility)for something you didn’t do but didn’t know you were supposed to do.   I moved out 6 months after high school graduation because I am not good at that game. 

I knew the game wasn’t over.  And I wouldn’t win.  So I grew cold.  He came out and asked if I was just going to let it fester.  I told him I wasn’t festering.  I had nothing to say because I don’t yell and I didn’t understand really what wrong thing I did.  He told me I had been different the past two months.  He’s not happy.  He doesn’t like it when other people say things about him not doing things around here (Still waiting for the painting to be finished -two years later) BLAH BLAH BLAH.  I told him it has been different.  We all joined WW.  I seem to be in charge of all the shopping, cooking, measuring points, everything.  My grown daughter has been very needy and clingy because of her new teaching job.  She is the reason I was “late”  I had to tell her that day I wasn’t cooking dinner for her b/c she thought I should b/c she had a bad day/week and I am her mom.  BF has been needy b/c he started WW and is hungry, not eating much during the day and then I am supposed to have food counted and ready when he comes home and he changed his work schedule so two days a week he is up at 4 a.m.  so he is home more but tired and DIETING!  And this all gets boiled down to I have been different for the past two months.  ONLY ME! 

I looked at him with my big brown eyes half filled with tears (it is an attribute) and told him I don’t want to live with my mom and have to guess moods when I walk on the door.  That I did not purposely forget he MIGHT be home early because it was Friday.  That my daughter, him, my granddaughter, and this whole WW thing was sucking the life out of me.  That I am student teaching and feeling a little insecure but who the hell cares because nothing is about me - it is only about the comfort and satisfaction of everyone else.  That I am not perfect but I really do try everyday to be the best me I can be.  I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated.  But I am not always the nicest person - sometimes I am only nice. Sometimes I don’t feel great - I only feel good and that I will NEVER walk on water - only Jesus did that and look what they did to him.   Oh and he also mentioned that I am doing nothing to get married.  That he feels like he is only a paycheck.   GIVE ME A FLIPPING BREAK!  I told him I am losing weight the best way I know how.  I am not losing 1 pound or 2 oz a week or gaining.    I am doing a great job and I am sorry but I am not buying a size 18 dress just to make him happy.  And that if my progress isn’t good enough TOO BAD! 

And he just stood there - quietly and said, I didn’t realize all of this.  I guess we all do take you for granted. You do do a lot of cooking and making sure we are all in our point range.  You do do all the behind the scene work like grocery shop and pay bills and laudry and dusting.  And you can’t be needy because there is no one for you to be needy to.  I am sorry and you are the best you everyday.  And you never yell at me no matter what I do. And I haven’t  been the best me to you.   And you don’t deserve to stand at the fence and wonder what mood your Gemini spouse is going to be in when you walk in the door the way that you had to with your mom. 

When I got home from work Monday night, he had washed the sheets and made the bed.  And decided he should cook at least one night a week.  And has unloaded the dishwasher twice this week.  He is not perfect nor am I.  But he is trying and I hope it continues.  Now I just have to remove my daughter from my uterus - again.  I love being her mom and love her more then life itself but she really needs to count on her husband more for her ya ya’s.  I will always be here for her and love cooking for her and her family but not 5 nights a week.  It makes me upset for everyone else to be relaxing while I cook and clean up like they don’t have to help because I am “supposed” to do it. 

I love Saturdays b/c I am home alone.  BF is at work and I get to hang with you guys and catch up. 

I know my BF isn’t the only cling-on out there.  Oh, he is looking at joining a community group or Mason’s.   I would be over the moon if he did this.  It would give us a chance to experience his life and not just mine.

 Hugs my friends!