Trying to get the feeling again…

I have been thinking since my last post.  I need to lose weight.  I think everything that has happened in the last 42 years has landed me here.    I always kid and say I should have been a prostitute drug addict with everything that has happened.  But life has happened and it’s the only one I have.  Time to pick up the pieces and get on with it.  Being fat isn’t being healthly and I am giving myself a slow death.  I have achieved so many goals.  Isn’t it time I make this a goal and just do it.  I need to let go of the fear of what being thin means to me.  I am not powerless and no one can take my power from me ever again.  I told my BF today that I don’t need to be controlled, I just need to be loved.  He asked what that is supposed to mean, I know he didn’t get it.  But he is selfish and controlling even when he doesn’t think he is.  Not all the time but probably more often than not.  But all the men in my life have been that way.  That’s the cycle I need to break.  I just need to be loved in a healthy way.   I don’t need to fix anyone or make their credit problems better.  I don’t need to argue with an ex-wife.  I don’t need to be a maid.  I need a partner.  I want someone who is thrilled that I am who I am as much as I am thrilled with who they are.  I want someone who doesn’t tell me I spend too much time with my daughter, friends, whatever.  Hell, I have been in school full time in a major way for the last f’ing 6 years.  I haven’t had time to breathe let alone waste time.  GPA = 3.8  Not bad for an old broad who is still struggling to pass the Math/Science CSET.  I made it through stats, I can make it through this. 

 I want someone who if something needs to be done, just does it and doesn’t expect a medal of honor for it.  My brother came and mowed my lawn this weekend.  He lives 1.5 hours away.  But my BF has been “too busy” to do it.  LOL!  When has being “too busy” ever been an excuse.

 That’s the ticket.  I am afraid of being poor to the point of I can’t support myself - that’s never ever happened but it could.  And I don’t want to be controlled.  I want to be loved; to be delighted in.  To make someone smile as much as others have made me smile and to have someone love me as much as I love them.  Never met a man yet who hasn’t screwed around on me…  tick tock the clock goes.