Trying to get the feeling again…

So what makes me think if the love of my life almost every single day?  It has been 16 years since we broke up.  I have been married, divorced, earned my BA and more.  My husband was not the love of my life but was the opposite of him.  And I did love him.  I wasn’t in love with him.  But I thought he would be a good partner and I was very excited and happy when I married him.  I thought he was perfect.  I loved him and we had so much fun together.  We all know how that turned out.  Seemed he had a problem with keeping his Johnson in his trousers.

So, I think about the love of my life.   We were together for 7 years but had known each other since 6th grade.  Even at 11 years old, I loved him and was thrilled 7 years later to become finally his girlfriend.  He was on the path to go to college.  He was very smart.  And so handsome.  But drugs came into his life and changed everything forever.  I stayed for as long as I could.  But I didn’t and don’t do drugs.  So I didn’t fit in.  All this time I was 135 pounds and what many called beautiful.  He was critical of my hair, makeup, clothes.  I had to always be perfect.  He liked when people told him how pretty I was.  I ended up leaving him because he was fooling around with a woman a few years older and at least 100 pounds heavier.  But she did drugs with him and his friends and bought him presents.  He didn’t want me to leave but I loved him too much to stay.  I remember telling myself that no matter how hard it was to leave that someday I would be over him if I left.  I am still waiting to be over him.  I loved loving him.  He married her.  They are still married.  I am not sure what she endured to stay married to him.  She even got a job at the college I worked at for 19 years. I couldn’t believe it.  She was always checking up on me. His dad came to see me at my new position two years ago.  I asked how he knew where I was.  She had told him…  It bugged me that she knew where I was.  She had my boyfriend, wasn’t that enough?!

So now, I weigh 230 pounds and most of the time ignore it.  What did being pretty and smart get me?  Not much.  Maybe out of a few tickets, a seat in on a crowded bus, free drinks, and  attention I didn’t want.  At 230 pounds, no one notices you.  No one tells you are are pretty.  It is like I am invisible.    Maybe it’s why I want to lose weight and don’t.   If I really wanted to, wouldn’t I?  I am a pretty strong willed woman and have managed to obtain many goals I have set for myself.  I have never ever ever weighed this much.  170 is the most.  I was easy to lose the 40 pounds.

I live sometimes in What If Land and wish that he were there with me.  I wish things were before the drugs.

I just go on with my life.  Soon I will have a Masters in Special Education.    I will pass the last portion of the CSET.  I will keep getting credentials and maybe another Masters or two.  I will pay off my house.  All of these things are within my control.  Love is not.  And it’s breaking my heart.  The weight thing - what’s up with that?

I usually just think about him and not write about him.  I ran into him on the day I was registering for wedding gifts with my now ex-husband.  It was an omen I am sure.  I ran into him when I was going out of town with a guy who was totally in love with me.  I couldn’t go with him after that.  I saw him at the fair last year and hid.

I know I am silly and need to let him go.  It’s hard to be 42 and feel like a 26 year old with a broken heart.

But I loved him so much.  I can still see his face, his smile, and hear his laugh.  It would have been better if he had died.  At least I could have mourned his death and know he isn’t still out there.

I don’t know where I am going with this.  I am thinking of him too much today.  And trust me, not even a Twinkie can squash these memories.  I feel like a county song.

Hugs -