Changing my Life through Accu-weight Loss

I had a bit of V8 and a pear.
I’m having sweet cravings but in my mind its for sugar-free candy, so when I go home I will stop at CVS and get some gummy bears. The fruit helped with it though.
I get really cold though, colder than other people because I’m losing…
on accuweightloss.com they mention these supplements for people who feel cold, it should warm you up.
I might look into that.. b/c I’m going to be finishing up this diet during the winter and I don’t want to be that cold.

Okay.. so the weekend wasn’t good but since Monday I’ve been faithful with absolutely no cheating. I weighed on monday.. 159ish. This morning was 156. I do realize that it’s all water weight, because that was the weight I put on and took off pretty fast, but it still is very encouraging.
To me that says that I have only about 10 more pounds to lose as far as getting back down to the weight I was before I gained. My period is right around the corner so I might still have some bloating going on.. actually my period is a bit late although I had some serious spotting last week after I worked out.. I think that affected my period this month. I figure I could get to at least 150 by my birthday party which is fine with me.
I’m going home this Thursday night since I don’t have math recitation on Friday. If I take my scale with me I’ll weigh and update or I might just leave it until Monday morning.. hmm I’ll most likely take it with me because it is encouraging to see the loss.. and I know the first week (although not technically my first) is the fastest loss.
I’m going to work out and do callanetics again next week or/and the week after, depending on how I feel with my period.. I suspect it will be lighter this month, so I could still do cardio. The workout should accelerate my loss and make sure I get to 150. Thanksgiving is next thursday which is the only reason why my loss would be slowed.. so I’ve GOT to make sure I follow protocol accordingly for that and get right back on track with working out and eat the next day..

Anyway, I’ll update later.

—–

I noticed something.. unlike before.. these past three days have felt effortless. I haven’t even though about buying any food. In fact, I met up with  a friend at Java and I didn’t even get coffee b/c I like my coffee with milk and today wans’t a milk day. There were also slices of pie that looked great but I didn’t care. Once I noticed that about me, I tested myself by thinking about food and I felt indifferent and didn’t give it a second thought. That’s excellent, that’s the way I felt when I was doing my diet in the summer.. sure I’d have a few cravings.. but not to the extent that has been causing me to fail. I don’t know what it is or why.. maybe it’s that I’ve been soo stressed and busy that I haven’t even been thinking about the diet nor have I about food. I just do the beads, breathing, and eat what I should eat.
It feels great.
I’m going home thursday and my mom has cottage cheese that I can have on friday which is a milk day.
I’m going to also buy some sugar-free candy from the local cvs so I can tide over any cravings..
Anyway, I feel good, stuff fits me comfortably again.. like I really feel in the 150’s again.. I’m happy. I feel encouraged.. I think another aspect might be that I’ve been doing well in my classes and feel like I can handle the stress. I haven’t given up.. that may have rubbed off on the diet or maybe it was that I felt bad and stressed about it all before and now I really am sure of myself so I became more organized mentally, enough to tackle staying on track.
Enough of this though.. I’m going to go relax.

Time is passing by and I keep stalling myself.

I realized why I had no trouble in the summertime.. (I mean I had a couple slip-ups but I got back on track soon after) and so much trouble at the dorm. I really do stress-eat.
It isn’t just eating out of boredom. I feel ashamed of the weight I gained and feel huge. I want more friends but don’t go out and get more friends because I went back to thinking I had to lose weight before I could unleash the person I am and until that happened, what’s the point in friendships?
It’s depressing here because in the summer, I figured I’d get to college and already be skinnier. That sort of thinking in the first place is what has led me to keep failing here in school. It’s worse because there are so many people here and being in the dorms, I shouldn’t have trouble making friends. I just don’t go around because I feel like people will accept me more if I’m thinner. I keep elevating this image of what I want to look like and then I work against it. It’s stupid. I’m just lonely really. I feel liek I can’t find good friends here that I can relate to. I’m sure there are. My RA is super cool and when I got here, I had no trouble being who I am around him or other people really. I was myself. I was friendly, cool, and sure of herself. I put back 12 pounds and I feel like that is the end of me. I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking.. she struggles with weight. But in their mind, I’m just big.

It’s stupid, I know. I should be better than this thinking. I’ve got to stop. I don’t want to go out anywhere with anyone because I feel like I can’t wear the clothes and look how I want to look. It’s stupid. I can still have fun. I feel like people who know me will think I have no control of my weight.
Ugh. The funny thing is that the gain is very fast on here because I never transition off, I just start eating. Also, I don’t eat healthy when I just get off of it. I mean, I don’t overeat but for this diet and what happens when you cheat, it is. That’s why I gained.

So I’m kinda upset right now about it, but I needed somewhere to write this. I feel so much better writing it. I’ve been fighting with my boyfrined a lot and getting defensive because not only am I stressed in school, I’m stressed about my weight the most and I don’t talk about it. He got me to open up about it during a fight. It’s been stupid little fights too, nothing big. If I was jsut stressed about schoolwork, we wouldn’t be fighting. It’s that I’m stressing myself out with this weight and then I’ve become so unsure about myself. I am constantly self-conscious about my appearance. I know I have good qualities and I shouldn’t be so self-conscious, losing weight will only mask that. I might feel that I’m no longer self-conscious when I’m thinner, but that is just a delusion.. If I don’t start realizing it now, I may never be happy with my appearance. I might feel good at the moment but what happens when I’ve settled with my weight?
So I’ve decided I need to do some serious soul-searching and stop holding myself back. Take the initiative to make friends.
Go out with people. Do things. What’s making me fail is I’m putting too much into losing weight and once I fail, I crash. I need to separate the two and realize that losing weight is only part of the journey, not everything. In the summer, I wasn’t as stressed out, I was mostly alone when I got back from summer classes and in my classes, I felt happy and myself because I let myself be myself. I felt confident from losing weight and only THEN did I allow myself to feel happy and good about myself but that happiness really wasn’t from losing as it was from talking in class and making friends there. I was bolder. I was more extroverted. NOW.. I noticed I’ve equated the happiness with weight loss when really I felt happy from just being myself.
So, I’ve got to stop looking at myself in the mirror and feeling bad about myself just because I put on some weight. It isn’t hte end of the world. The friends I have won’t stop being friends with me and people I started talking to in the beginning of the semester haven’t stopped talking to me because I gained some weight since then. it’s all in my head. In the summer, I didn’t pressure myself as much with the weight loss. It was easy because event hough I focused on it a lot, I mistook the happiness I felt from losing weight with what I felt from my classes. I mean, losing weight should NOT be the reason to let myself be me. I should be me no matter what.
When I was getting into little fights with my boyfriend, he forced me to talk about what was going on. I had ignored it for a while, thinking that it’s just because of my weight. Then, later, I forced myself to really be alone with my thoughts and it has really helped me examine what is making me unhappy, the weight or what I think about my weight.
I can’t tell you how good it feels to write this out.
I really honestly feel like I’ve gotten to the root of my issues right now.
I’m unhappy because I’m not being myself and making friends. I think that I’m unhappy because my weight is holding me back from being myself and  people will judge me. In reality, I’m mentally holding myself back, my weight is not the reason why I don’t have friends, it’s that I’m not letting myself make friends. The people that judge me based on weight aren’t the type of friends I want anyway, so I’ve got to stop thinking that!
I feel like such a weight has been lifted as I type this! This has been getting in the way of me studying too.
Now I really feel like I can work on making weight loss a separate entity. Still something to focus on, but not my whole life. When I put all that pressure on it, it makes it all the more harder when I stress eat and can’t get control back. Now I can remedy the situation by allowing myself to make more friends in place of the eating.

In fact, I’m going to call up this girl who gave me her phone number and told me how she’s always alone and bored in the dorm on the weekends. Maybe we’ll go to the mall together. In becoming a recluse, I’m only pushing people away from me. I’m responsible for not having friends, I can’t blame anyone else but me. It’s not even that I don’t have friends, more that I’m not keeping in contact with people who want to be my friend and those that are already.
Part of this feeling has been due to a good friend I made last year in the suites. This year she’s dorming with my former roommates whom I really don’t want to see, so I never go to visit her. I’ve been blaming her a lot, thinking she forgot about me and is ignoring me. I know she’s been partying alot, her boyfriend is in a frat, and one of their suitemates this year is 22 and so they drink in the dorms. I was aware she’s been going through some stuff with her boyfriend. Sometimes we talk on aim but not a lot.. Then from a mutual friend I heard she’s been depressed because of all the stuff. I just keep assuming that she doesn’t really consider me a friend or whatever and doesn’t really care to tell me.. although on aim she told me she’d tell me about whats going on eventually. It hit me that I’m making it seem like she doesn’t care to talk to me at all but from what it sounds like, she’s pretty depressed..  it seems like she’s just partying/drinking to get out of her funk. Last year, she was really quiet and I was kinda the first person she started talking to and we got close and she’d tell me things she didn’t tell other people. Since I’m not in the suite, I keep feeling like maybe she doesn’t care and they’re helping her out just fine. That may be the case but I’m moping around pitying myself waiting for her to ask if I want to hang out instead of saying anything. So I’m going to IM her and ask to get some coffee with her because that’s what we used to do a lot last semester. Friendships do require some effort sometimes.. and something my boyfriend said the other night was that if I want to make friends I need to just do so and explore friendships with people who have shown like they care instead of thinking that people should just come to me. It’s true. I just  keep this fear that people will think I’m desperate or something so I completely shut them out.. when really  one of my friends from last year has been calling me hang out and I’m the one feeling sorry for myself unable to set up a time to hang out with her.

I feel soooo much better now that I’ve written all this. I’m going to go have some green tea and milk.
If you haven’t guessed already, I cheated yesterday and the day before.

Weight loss-wise, I’ll be happy with any amount I lose before my birthday party, and no matter what weight I’m at, I’ll enjoy it and I’ll still look great. I have about 3 more weeks. I may not look exactly the way I want to look but I’ll still have fun and I’ll still be losing weight.
Today is a milk day.

TO anyone that has read this… Thank you. I really just needed to write this out.

Hey.. well over the weekend I ended up cheating.. ugh so bad. Being at home and such.

Well It’s day 3 now since Monday.. I’m feeling good. Yesterday i worked out for 35 minutes on the elliptical, 2.7 miles. I was pretty tired though and though I expected it since it has been so long since I worked out,  I didn’t realize I’d be feeling THAT tired. At around 20 minutes, the cardio program and switched to manual and I wondered if maybe I was on level 2 or something, and I went to go lessen it and realized the program had put the resistance all the way up to level 6!!!! No wonder I was so tired!!
So my heart rate had actually gone down and when I leveled down, it was too easy and my heart rate wasn’t going up too much. Well it was still a great workout..
I’ll go again tomorrow with a friend and I plan on working out again over the weekend.
This week I’ll go 3 times, next week 4.
I plan on going on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and if I stay for the weekend, Friday or Sunday.
Anyway, today is a veggie day..
Hmm I had a bit of cramping and spotting yesterday so I thought my period came early from the exercising but it didn’t… so I better work out the rest of this week b/c I have a feeling next week I won’t be feeling that up to it. I’ll still go at least twice when it gets lighter.
My jeans are loosening up a bit.
I’ll weigh on.. Sunday.

Okay I’m feeling quite silly and pleasantly surprised.

I don’t know why I beat myself up so much.
On this diet, you can lose about 5 pounds in a week if you follow it correctly and throw in some a bit of walking. That’s really good.
I decided to bite the bullt and weigh myself. I know I gained the last 2-3 pounds recently but to me it felt like 5.
Well I weighed myself, keep in mind that I drank a lot of water and fluids today… without my clothes on, I weigh 158.
158….! That’s not bad!!! I beat myself up a lot before these last 2-3 pounds..  keep in mind that about 3 pounds of that is water weight, so I really only gained maybe 10 pounds!
You know what? This is encouraging. I thought I had slipped into the 160’s! Well okay, the gain is terrible… but it isn’t as bad as I thought.
This is fine.. I can lose this quick. Give it a week and I should be down to 151/152- especially since this is the first week back.. give it another week and I should be between 146-148. Give it another week and I’ll definitely be back to where I started. That’s so not as bad as I thought.

I’m feeling very encouraged.. this means I should be around where I started by December 5. I could probably get lower by then but Thanksgiving will slow me down..
whatever, I’m not complaining, as long as I’m under 147 by December 5, I’m happy.
Given that december 5 is the party, then on December 11 I’m celebrating my birthday with my mom, that week will also be a stall, but after that I should reach goal by mid-january… (we get a month off of school so I wouldn’t be back at school until Jnuary 25, so I have no doubt that I’ll be at goal by then and I’ll even have time to do some shopping before spring semester.

Oh yes. I’m happy =]
I’ll weigh in sometime next week.

—-

I’m fending off a major craving right now.

My roommate is very free with her food and she has these mini bagels.. and I have cream cheese and nutella..
i have the craziest urging to have some. I’ve been urging it for a while so I made some green tea. the good thing is that I’m almost done with the craving.. the tea is helping.
UGH!
I reminded myself that if I keep this up I’ll look slimmer by Monday’s classes, which is pretty cool and that tomorrow I’m going home and I can just stop by at CVS and pick up some sugar free gummy bears and stuff.
Rawr.. I’ve been good all day, no sense in wasting it with a cheat at 11 at night.. anyway I should get to bed soon.

I’m feeling pretty good.

Got through yesterday really well.. fought off a few cravings - I have nutella in my cabinet but I kept reminding myself that this diet isn’t forever and about how much better it’ll taste when I’m thinner =P
Also I know I’ll eat during thanksgiving and my birthday so why spoil it? that nutella will be there after I lose some weight and it’ll taste much better guilt-free! Before I would have taken a taste with a spoon or something and not considered it so bad, but I keep reminding myself that this isn’t one of those diets, I can’t cheat at all or I’m slowed. plus i had plenty to eat during the potluck anyway. just isn’t worth it.
I get these cravings late at night because unfortunately I would eat at night.. well not anymore..~

So I feel much stronger having fought those cravings off.. a few more days and I’ll have that attitude back where I could just see a piece of cake or chocolate and not think twice about not getting a piece.
I’ve been drinking a lot of tea..

Yesterday I made two frapp’s with sugar-free walden farms chocolate syrup, s-f da vinci caramel syrup, a buncha coffee and ice with milk.. good stuff. That was pretty sweet as is with the caramel.
Today is another milk day, I’m sipping on green tea and massaging my beads…
I just want to lose 10-15 before my birthday party, get back to my comfort zone…
The good thing is that I’ll get to finish off my diet during the month-long winter break..
My mom wants to go to bangladesh but I really don’t, so we’ll see what happens in that department. I want to work or something.
Oh, I was talking to a friend about my party and she’s going to help me cook.. I told her about Myles’ situation with his gallstone and how he can’t eat a lot of stuff, so we’re going to make a menu that is low-fat but really good.. we’ll have a variety of stuff though but it’ll mainly be low-fat. Like some type of lasagna with skim ricotta and ground turkey instead. I’m SO excited actually to cook and stuff for the party..
I’m really looking forward to it~ My suitemate’s friend is pretty rich and owns the borgata in atlantic city and also a bar, so she said she could provide some drinks.. My friends aren’t the type to get messed up, I just want a few drinks around for the purposes of socializing, nothing crazy.
We’re just going to watch movies, listen to music, talk, hang out.. that’s all I really ask for. I’m not into clubbing or anything although that’s what most people do in college.. Next year I’ll probably do something nicer since I’m turning 21 and I’ll hopefully have more money. I don’t want to rent out a place b/c I simply can’t afford it, but honestly I’ll just be happy to see everyone.
Blah, I’m excited! I love party-planning and my friend is going to be such a great help!

Good motivation to stick with the diet!
I love this green tea too.. it’s lipton but it’s flavored jasmine, orange, and another flavor, so it’s pretty good. I’m not a fan of reguar green tea, but this is really helping me get through the inital cravings while my body adjusts back to the diet. I’ll update later~

It’s been so exciting with the election this year.. but that’s as far as I’ll go about talking about that.

The potluck went well, everyone loved my chicken parmesan, surprisingly.. and it was my first time making it so yay for me.
I did end up eating, small bits and pieces though… I didn’t go all out so I’m back on track this morning.

It was a nice discussion and potluck, I had fun.

Anyway, so I’m on my milk day to make up for yesterday. I’m glad I didn’t go nuts with the food and I stuck the whole day through pretty well, eating fruit and vegetables.
The weather is so bad outside..

Ugh my jeans feel so tight on me, but I’m going to wear em so I can stay on track lol.
30 days!! I’m definitely going to wok out this weekend on the treadmill when I go home. I’ll probably clean too.

I won’t weigh til…. maybe 2/3 weeks into this.

Update later.

GAH!

So bad! I think I’ve gained a few more. Well this is the last straw. My boyfriend was over again for a week and my diet went out the window, and i think I gained a few. I also found out he has a gallstone because he was in severe pain tuesday night and I had to take him to the hospital across the street. Looks like we’re both on diets, except he’s miserable about his - nonfat, no spices - until he gets the surgery he’s giogn to have to do that to avoid any more pain. So.. yeah it’s been bad, I did start back up yesterday though. Made it through.

I keep reminding myself that my birthday is coming up and I at least want to get back down to my lowest before I gained a few. I didn’t have a flat stoamch or anything but people considered me average-thin. Anyway, I’ve been struggling to say the least, I need to get over that week-long threshold.
My birthday is December 11 but I’m going to throw a get-to-gether around the 5th or 6th, so that’s over 30 days.. I think I could lose 20.. it should be fairly easy to lose the last few pounds I gained since it generally is easier to take off weight you just gained. so.. 20 before 20 lol, I keep reminding myself that it’s not a big deal and I can do it. It’s just food. that’s all. Food. I can handle it.

I have a test today and I’m voting as well, I’m really excited. The school is having an election party but I’m not going because there will be food and it’s too early for me to resist food especially if who I want gets elected. Tomorrow is a potluck for the floor and I said I’d cook chicken parmesan, my RA is supplying most of what we need… I only want to go for poitns and to be social, I was talking to a friend on the floor and she was just like well you can do it, just don’t eat… and it’s so simple really.. but I must do so. I want to socialize.. I guess I might just have to take small tastes or whatever for the chicken to see if it’s okay and I’ll go to the potluck and we’re supposed to be having a discussion on our spirituality or morals or whatever, which is interesting. I’ll have to avoid the food. There’s going to be brownies though. Not a lot of people are cooking and sof ar it sounds like I’m making the most complicated dish.. so I doubt I’ll want to eat what everyone else is eating.. if I do end up cheating which I cshouldn’t, I’ll make sure to eat small bites just to feel social. I might just take a few on a plate and leave it on there while we talk and take a small bite or something so I don’t feel out of place.. hmm.. the won’t be tempting anyway from what it sounds like. I’ll be sure to just not take any brownies on my plate.
I MUST do this.

I was looking at pictures of myself before I gained and I’d be happy to get back there before my birthday, because there were a few skirts and dresses I could wear, particularly one dress which fit me pretty well, though it would still fit if I lose some weight. It’s an empire-waisted 3-quarter dress, so it’s very flowy and hugs by the calves with ruffles, so it’s really cute and it’ll fit even when I lose a bit more. I want to wear that on my birthday, so I’m going to make sure I stick with it. I don’t want to take pictures of myself on my birthday and be unhappy with the pictures! That’s another thing, I want to take tons of pictures, I want to be back to 144/145 at least. I’m going to start working out this weekend when I go home on the treadmill. My goal is 4 times a week.

I’ll do this, I swear! I can’t bear to see myself gain anymore, this is the last straw!
Anyway, I’ll update tomorrow night.

Okay I’m back from CT.

I left on Friday…
Umm.. I friday/saturday I ate brown rice/chicken, egg.. nothing really “binge”-worthy..
So I tried to get back on track Sunday.. but my bead fell off!! I tried going through the day with one bead but it didn’t work.. I actually physically felt hungry.
Oh well.. I DO feel bloated though from the food.. but I’m going to start back up again tomorrow.
Next time I’m bringing beads with me..
Umm.. This friday is a friend’s birthday party.. she rented out a place and she’s asking $10 from every person.. - food, music, alcohol
So… My boyfriend is coming over and so is his friend… So I’m going to just diet for these couple days and come Friday I’m going to just do the “special day” protocol.. basically fill up on water the whole day, eat an apple… and then at the party I’m going to eat but small portions, then Saturday/Sunday are both milk days.
I can do it.. I actually am mentally fine with dieting right now, so this weekend isn’t a failure to me because I had a nice time relaxing and spending time with my boyfriend.
Yes, wasn’t on the diet though I tried, but I don’t feel weak or anything. Anyway…
Since he’s coming down this weekend, we decided that we wouldn’t do halloween.. so this year I think I’m just going to spend the weekend at home.
We were only going to go to the parade.. I’d rather him come over this weekend for this party than spend money to see the halloween parade in the city..
Anyway, lol, it’s weird how off-track this blog has been for the past.. almost 2 months. actually kinda depressing if you put it that way but whatever, life happens I guess. I WILL get through this diet though. I’m settled enough to avoid eating.. aka.. avoid spending money lol.
Anyway, I’ll update again sometime.

Okay so today’s midterm was tough. I didn’t get enough sleep either, I went to bed at 11:45 but couldn’t sleep.. lol I kept daydreaming haha..
Umm.. so I just had a class.. on break til 4, then another class, and another one after it but it’s notetaking.
I’ll be back at 7? So I’ll finally get a chance to relax around then..
Today I made guacamole (the powdered stuff you add to avocado, not from scratch.. didn’t have lemon juice) and added a small tomatoe to make it chunkier. I mixed it up with stir-fry veggies I cooked from the bag.. then I had a half a class of V8 fruit/veggie drink and a small kiwi. I think I’ve met my veggie/fruit quota, but it was a good meal. No cravings. The only craving I have is to go sleep.
Anyway.. I’m not sure how much I weigh, but I’m pretty sure I’m probably like mid-150’s at the most, b/c I washed my jeans and if I was more than that, this certain straight-fit non-stretchy pair that I have wouldn’t fit me. So it’s good to know I haven’t done much damage, I know I said that before, but I was afraid I may of gained more than that, but from how my clothes fit me, I know I haven’t.
Also lol when I went to 144, my chest seemed to be the last thing that lost, but that was the first place I gained, and then my stomach, and then my legs.. lol as weird as it sounds, I can tell b/c I remember that when I hit 148/149, it was my legs that lost.. so I’m probably like 153/154 right now? It’ll come off quick though.. I’m estimating that in two weeks I should be at the 140’s again (generously saying that) Still I refuse to weigh myself until… I’ve done this.. for 30 days. So that would be Nov. 11..  Ideally, that would place me in the 130’s.. but even if I’m in the upper 140’s again, that’s fine. Again, I’m not in a rush anymore, and idk how much I weigh right now. I probably should weigh myself for the purpose of knowing how much I’ve lost in the month.. but I am not feeling up to it. Maybe after this first week is over, I’ll take a glance at my weight. I’m just scared it’ll be so much higher that I’ll be really upset about it.. so I’ll just wait a bit..
Plus I’m getting my period in a couple days so it isn’t the best time to weigh.
I’ll update later.