Changing my Life through Accu-weight Loss

Time is passing by and I keep stalling myself.

I realized why I had no trouble in the summertime.. (I mean I had a couple slip-ups but I got back on track soon after) and so much trouble at the dorm. I really do stress-eat.
It isn’t just eating out of boredom. I feel ashamed of the weight I gained and feel huge. I want more friends but don’t go out and get more friends because I went back to thinking I had to lose weight before I could unleash the person I am and until that happened, what’s the point in friendships?
It’s depressing here because in the summer, I figured I’d get to college and already be skinnier. That sort of thinking in the first place is what has led me to keep failing here in school. It’s worse because there are so many people here and being in the dorms, I shouldn’t have trouble making friends. I just don’t go around because I feel like people will accept me more if I’m thinner. I keep elevating this image of what I want to look like and then I work against it. It’s stupid. I’m just lonely really. I feel liek I can’t find good friends here that I can relate to. I’m sure there are. My RA is super cool and when I got here, I had no trouble being who I am around him or other people really. I was myself. I was friendly, cool, and sure of herself. I put back 12 pounds and I feel like that is the end of me. I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking.. she struggles with weight. But in their mind, I’m just big.

It’s stupid, I know. I should be better than this thinking. I’ve got to stop. I don’t want to go out anywhere with anyone because I feel like I can’t wear the clothes and look how I want to look. It’s stupid. I can still have fun. I feel like people who know me will think I have no control of my weight.
Ugh. The funny thing is that the gain is very fast on here because I never transition off, I just start eating. Also, I don’t eat healthy when I just get off of it. I mean, I don’t overeat but for this diet and what happens when you cheat, it is. That’s why I gained.

So I’m kinda upset right now about it, but I needed somewhere to write this. I feel so much better writing it. I’ve been fighting with my boyfrined a lot and getting defensive because not only am I stressed in school, I’m stressed about my weight the most and I don’t talk about it. He got me to open up about it during a fight. It’s been stupid little fights too, nothing big. If I was jsut stressed about schoolwork, we wouldn’t be fighting. It’s that I’m stressing myself out with this weight and then I’ve become so unsure about myself. I am constantly self-conscious about my appearance. I know I have good qualities and I shouldn’t be so self-conscious, losing weight will only mask that. I might feel that I’m no longer self-conscious when I’m thinner, but that is just a delusion.. If I don’t start realizing it now, I may never be happy with my appearance. I might feel good at the moment but what happens when I’ve settled with my weight?
So I’ve decided I need to do some serious soul-searching and stop holding myself back. Take the initiative to make friends.
Go out with people. Do things. What’s making me fail is I’m putting too much into losing weight and once I fail, I crash. I need to separate the two and realize that losing weight is only part of the journey, not everything. In the summer, I wasn’t as stressed out, I was mostly alone when I got back from summer classes and in my classes, I felt happy and myself because I let myself be myself. I felt confident from losing weight and only THEN did I allow myself to feel happy and good about myself but that happiness really wasn’t from losing as it was from talking in class and making friends there. I was bolder. I was more extroverted. NOW.. I noticed I’ve equated the happiness with weight loss when really I felt happy from just being myself.
So, I’ve got to stop looking at myself in the mirror and feeling bad about myself just because I put on some weight. It isn’t hte end of the world. The friends I have won’t stop being friends with me and people I started talking to in the beginning of the semester haven’t stopped talking to me because I gained some weight since then. it’s all in my head. In the summer, I didn’t pressure myself as much with the weight loss. It was easy because event hough I focused on it a lot, I mistook the happiness I felt from losing weight with what I felt from my classes. I mean, losing weight should NOT be the reason to let myself be me. I should be me no matter what.
When I was getting into little fights with my boyfriend, he forced me to talk about what was going on. I had ignored it for a while, thinking that it’s just because of my weight. Then, later, I forced myself to really be alone with my thoughts and it has really helped me examine what is making me unhappy, the weight or what I think about my weight.
I can’t tell you how good it feels to write this out.
I really honestly feel like I’ve gotten to the root of my issues right now.
I’m unhappy because I’m not being myself and making friends. I think that I’m unhappy because my weight is holding me back from being myself and  people will judge me. In reality, I’m mentally holding myself back, my weight is not the reason why I don’t have friends, it’s that I’m not letting myself make friends. The people that judge me based on weight aren’t the type of friends I want anyway, so I’ve got to stop thinking that!
I feel like such a weight has been lifted as I type this! This has been getting in the way of me studying too.
Now I really feel like I can work on making weight loss a separate entity. Still something to focus on, but not my whole life. When I put all that pressure on it, it makes it all the more harder when I stress eat and can’t get control back. Now I can remedy the situation by allowing myself to make more friends in place of the eating.

In fact, I’m going to call up this girl who gave me her phone number and told me how she’s always alone and bored in the dorm on the weekends. Maybe we’ll go to the mall together. In becoming a recluse, I’m only pushing people away from me. I’m responsible for not having friends, I can’t blame anyone else but me. It’s not even that I don’t have friends, more that I’m not keeping in contact with people who want to be my friend and those that are already.
Part of this feeling has been due to a good friend I made last year in the suites. This year she’s dorming with my former roommates whom I really don’t want to see, so I never go to visit her. I’ve been blaming her a lot, thinking she forgot about me and is ignoring me. I know she’s been partying alot, her boyfriend is in a frat, and one of their suitemates this year is 22 and so they drink in the dorms. I was aware she’s been going through some stuff with her boyfriend. Sometimes we talk on aim but not a lot.. Then from a mutual friend I heard she’s been depressed because of all the stuff. I just keep assuming that she doesn’t really consider me a friend or whatever and doesn’t really care to tell me.. although on aim she told me she’d tell me about whats going on eventually. It hit me that I’m making it seem like she doesn’t care to talk to me at all but from what it sounds like, she’s pretty depressed..  it seems like she’s just partying/drinking to get out of her funk. Last year, she was really quiet and I was kinda the first person she started talking to and we got close and she’d tell me things she didn’t tell other people. Since I’m not in the suite, I keep feeling like maybe she doesn’t care and they’re helping her out just fine. That may be the case but I’m moping around pitying myself waiting for her to ask if I want to hang out instead of saying anything. So I’m going to IM her and ask to get some coffee with her because that’s what we used to do a lot last semester. Friendships do require some effort sometimes.. and something my boyfriend said the other night was that if I want to make friends I need to just do so and explore friendships with people who have shown like they care instead of thinking that people should just come to me. It’s true. I just  keep this fear that people will think I’m desperate or something so I completely shut them out.. when really  one of my friends from last year has been calling me hang out and I’m the one feeling sorry for myself unable to set up a time to hang out with her.

I feel soooo much better now that I’ve written all this. I’m going to go have some green tea and milk.
If you haven’t guessed already, I cheated yesterday and the day before.

Weight loss-wise, I’ll be happy with any amount I lose before my birthday party, and no matter what weight I’m at, I’ll enjoy it and I’ll still look great. I have about 3 more weeks. I may not look exactly the way I want to look but I’ll still have fun and I’ll still be losing weight.
Today is a milk day.

TO anyone that has read this… Thank you. I really just needed to write this out.