Changing my Life through Accu-weight Loss

I wanted to start.. but Eid is tomorrow and my mom is bringing food. i told her not to because I wanted to diet but she started to get a bit upset.. because I’m not even going to be home on Eid since I have an early morning lab and a busy day..
So instead I’ve been eating healthier for the past couple days.. I did rotate the beads today so I didn’t feel hungry but I ate a little bit.. I guess I’m trying to ween myself off of my diet and eat way less than I’ve been eating the past couple weeks.
So I feel way better in comparison to how i’ve been eating, which is good..
That means I won’t be dieting tomorrow but I’m still going to try and keep eating healthier and less.
I don’t consider it a loss since mentally I’m preparing myself.. and tomorrow i’m going shopping to get everything I need b/c right now I’ve run out of milk and veggies…
Anyway I’ll update later

Today I worked on homework..
I’m trying to make a list of food I’m going to get.
I’m bringing some pasta boxes not for me but for when my boyfriend comes over (it’s not “tempting” for me to have those.. it would be tempting for me to have sweets or peanut butter or bagels but nothing boxed really).
I’m not sure if he’s coming over next time or if I’m going up, but either way, it will only be for a weekend so I’m not worried about cheating. Plus, I’m going to also get a bag of rice for him, so that he can have veggies, rice, and I’ll pick up some chicken so he can eat that (since he is also trying to eat healthier) and that way I can just continue with my diet without feeling like I’m missing out or whatever.
He liked a few of the milk day recipes I tried, so I’m going to try and make something from that when he’s over so we can both enjoy it. If I can get to a health store, I can buy the xanthan gum and I’ve gotta find rock salt too for making ice cream.. I don’t plan on using the ice cream maker this week but I want to get the ingredients this week so I can try it next week..

I’ve got a whole list of stuff I wanna get. I basically need to get some basics and stock up on others.. I’m going to get some fruit for the week, but I’m going to stock up on syrups and frozen veggies for at least a couple weeks til I go shopping again.

I’m excited to start again.. my mom’s been noticing I gained a little weight.. then again she always notices rawr. But most of what I gained was in the first week I cheated and my stomach is just purely bloated from all the eating, so I’m wondering if some of what I feel is just water retention? After all, I’ve been drinking less water and eating a lot of foods that my body wasn’t used to. Whatever, it doesn’t matter because I’ll lose it this week. I’m actually really excited to go food-shopping.. lol. I’ve heard a lot about Trader  Joe’s so I’m excited to shop somewhere that sells healthy food but  at good prices. I guess I’ll have to buy the walden farms syrups elsewhere, maybe this wednesday when the shuttle bus at college goes to shoprite.. Apparently trader joe’s doesn’t really care well-known brands but that is why its cheaper..

Anyway, I’ll update tomorrow on how the day went.

——Edit: I wrote this yesterday, last night, but instead of publishing as a new post I hit new page, so I’m just copying/pasting it as a post now———-

Haha.. okay.. yeah.. soo… I haven’t been very good.

To update on where I left off.. my boyfriend did end up coming over that Friday, kinda last-minute. He ended up staying.. lol well 2 weeks. He left this morning and I came home this weekend so right now I’m at my house.
I attempted to start my diet back up but whenever he’s over, it just doesn’t work out. So I let go and relaxed.
I have to say that all the guilt I felt from eating and the fact that I already thought I still had more weight to lose made me feel like I totally failed and that I’d gone back to how I was.
In my head I know that I’m not there, it’s just the bloating and I’ve probably put on 5 pounds. I’d say I’m probably 150ish right now but no more.
It was a pretty bad cycle though, intense remorse and guilt. I’ve definitely gained around 5 but I won’t weigh myself right now because I can measure what I’ve gained based on how my jeans and clothes are fitting and I know that if I weigh, I will feel worse about myself and some of the weight will be water weight but it’ll make me feel worse nevertheless. To avoid that trap, I put my scale away under the bed.
I’ve decided to start up my diet on Monday..
It’s been.. about a month almost actually… I mean I technically dieted the first week/2 weeks but I cheated a lot and now I’m done with the food and I just want to lose the rest. I got pretty sick too, and I wanted to get back on track after my period but my boyfriend stayed longer when he saw I was sick and then he got sick too.. Again, not excuses, but really I couldn’t mentally prepare myself, especially not when he was there.
I kept cursing myself for getting off track but when I look… I haven’t done a lot of damage.. I lost a lot of time but the few pounds I gained will be lost within 2 weeks of the diet.. and another 3 weeks after that and I should be at goal. These two weeks went by quickly, and so will the next two weeks.. and the two weeks after that.
I’m actually.. really.. mentally ready to start. I’m home so I knowingly picked to start my diet on Monday b/c my mom cooks a lot of food during Ramadan and she’ll want me to eat, and all that temptation will be tough the first day so that’s why I chose Monday.
I’m going shopping tomorrow and I found out that I have a Trader Joe’s around me, and I’ve heard a lot about that place and it being healthy but cheaper than Whole Foods.. so I’m going there tomorrow to do my shopping.. I’m going to make a list tomorrow and get plenty of veggies/fruits and spices to try out some new recipes. I’m frankly sick of where I am right now and I’m prepared to start up on my diet again!
I.. probably won’t weigh myself the first week b/c even though I know it’s stupid in my head to let the number get to me, I know it will. I’ll use my clothes as a measuring gauge, I’ve done this long enough to know when I’ve lost even a pound.. so I won’t update on my weight til maybe the end of the first week or when I honestly feel like I can handle the scale again (which will probably be after the first week).

Anyway, I’m actually excited lol for next week because I did binge a few times, though.. in my head it was binging but in actuality it wasn’t.. And honestly, I just want to get this over with and even though I fell off for a bit, I can recover in no time and continue, this time with a better/stronger willpower. I kinda miss working out too and I’m starting that as well on Monday.
Anyway, diet-wise.. the past few weeks have been horrid but I really did enjoy the food and loved cooking with my boyfriend (he cooked a lot actually) and in retrospect, a few extra pounds was such a stupid reason for me to feel so insecure.. okay maybe I gained.. 5-10 pounds actually, looking back.. but like I said, I could lose it in no time, and all this shows is why I need to just finish my diet and transition off of it correctly… although I’m sure some of the gain was just me not caring about eating late and all that (it’s a bad habit that occurs whenever I’m with my boyfriend.. we ran outta food and just ate whatever was around and that was pretty bad too, but that’s why I gotta just plan out what food I’m going to buy.

Anyway, I’ve gotta just do this, I know I keep saying this but I can do this. Monday I am DEFINITELY updating.

I’m going to write this because I need to and of course I’ve gotta stay honest with myself.
I’ve been on and off!

UGH!
I don’t know what it is.. well I do.. its the environment..
I just really need to get back on track.
Just too many things going on though.. I’ve been following my bf’s advice though of not binging, just that if I want to eat, eat a bit of it and save some for later or something..
Ehh.. just stress.. plus my wisdom tooth is growing and it HURTS! My left cheek is soo swollen and I can only focus because i took extra strength tylenol.. it hurt worse at night I beleive because of my retainer.. so i didn’t get a lot of sleep, I woke up at 6 AM (I had an 8:30 and didn’t plan on showering til after class) so I just ended up showering b/c my pain wasn’t going away..
So I gotta get that straightened out.. let’s not mention how the swollen cheek has given me delusions that my face is FAT… and.. ugh.
Just stress.. and not seeing my boyfriend this weekend.. his stress too, just worried about him that’s all.
It’s just stressful to get thrown back into all this work and reading.
Not an excuse, I’m being honest.. I should have prepared myself better but yeah.. I’m also close to my period too so you could imagine how I am.. I noticed I always cheat a week before my period lol.
But this isn’t just a cheat, it’s on-going though on and off.
I’ve decided instead of trying to start everyday, to not beat myself up.. b/c I am a LOT! my clothes are actually tighter.. but I do think some of it is from water retention.. but it’s depressing.
I know I’m still a lot smaller so I need to stop myself from feeling like I failed b/c it is a minor setback!

I need to just.. stop.. breath.. focus on everything individually… and I think I could conquer this stress-eating.
Not to mention it eating away at my wallet..
I think I could start tomorrow.. I say that because my eating has occurred mostly at night and I have a busy day plus a 6-9 class. It is a thursday too.. so I feel like if I could get through thursday.. and then friday I have no class just recitation.. Friday I will stay in the dorm probably and relax.. aka avoid the convenient store and subway that is right under this building.. I’m thinking about watching a movie or soemthing since i haven’t watched tv in a while..
I don’t know.. I say I’ll do this but ahh.
I know though, it’s easy to give up, but for what? I just got to take it as is, and keep pushing through.
=/
This is probably the weakest ive felt in my diet.. but.. I’ve got to just do it. this weekned I’m going home.. and on saturday my dad is bringing a blender.. so I’m going to stock up on foods and try out new recipes.
They put up some new recipes on the accu-weight loss website, accuweight.com
and some are soo easy to do, others take more time but time is something I have over here on Monday/Tuesday’s so I could still try em out.

*sigh* I also miss my boyfriend terribly. it’s.. been almost 4 months since i’ve seen him..
it’s just.. ugh I don’t know. and what’s going on with him too.. not that our relationship is going bad, just stress/worry. I’ll probably see him next weekend though..
The most stress though, the worst kind is from financial aid.. I don’t know what is up with it and the deadline is friday for me to pay tuition although the school’s financial aid still is processing my information.. so I ‘m REALLY worried about that and upset b/c dealing with the rutgers offices here are HORRIBLE! they don’t know what they’re doing, and they always make mistakes. they always take a lot of time and they never tell you things you need to know unless you know to ask questions and if not, you get some threatening e-mail that says they may cancel your classes. yeah.. it’s annoying. Plus I’m still waiting on some books to shift so I feel behind in some of my classes already and it’s only week 2! ugh! I have hw for tomorrow night yet I haven’t gotten my book yet for that class.. raah.

Oh yeah I have my first quiz for calculus on friday, and not a lot of time to study for it which means I should study for it tonight.. but I’m soo tired. I need a little mental break because the food obviously isn’t make matters better.. so I’m going to watch a movie online or something.

It has been such a LOONG busy day… a lot of running around. and go figure, I buy food when I want to relax. hmm. I need to just.. relax.. and prepare myself better.

Okay.. so my diet went well yesterday and so far today. I have no cravings and I’m feeling confident to keep going today..

I wanted to wake up and do some cardio.. but I figured I wouldn’t have time b/c it is a long walk..

So I woke up at like 9:30.. washed up.. and then decided I could at least do an hour of Callanetics..

So I had my yoga mat for that.. and it was perfect. I’m still pretty sore… I know I’ll be waay more sore tomorrow.
I have class until 5:20 and then I’m going to broad st. straight from class to check out some of the discount stores with my roommate and buy some necessities that we may need..

Then.. after I get back, I’m planning on heading to the gym for cardio.. So around 6:30-7..
Still kinda late but at least I’ll get it done. My roommate wants to go too so that’s cool.
I had cottage cheese today and some milk..

I feel like I’ve gained a pound or two since my cheats this weekend but I think I’m retaining water too since my period is in a week and that’s when I start to feel the effects. I’ll still push through.. and I won’t weigh myself until sometime next week (for sanity’s sake lol)

cheating!
I cheated last night. I came home.. and my mom cooked beef.. so I had some with rice and some other food.

and then today I had a few twizzlers.. messing up my whole day!
Of course I’m not going to let it turn into a binge.. I’m going to fill up on water today..
I’m going to buy a sportsbra later, so I’m going to try and work out tomorrow..
I have.. 6 more days til I see Myles. I want to get least get it under control.. and lose the water weight that I gained from the cheats (ugh my stomach is so bloated).
My plan of attack? Work out on the treadmill at home tomorrow.. since I’m going back tomorrow night..
I’ll get up around 10.. drink water.. and then workout… since I’m still kinda weak (willpower-wise), I’m going to try and stay away from the kitchen lol..
Umm.. then Monday.. I have class at 2:30 and I try not to wake up later than 10 b/c then I feel like crpa.. so I’ll wake up around 9:30.. drink water.. stretch.. and then head to the gym for about an hour.. I should be back by 11:30… shower.. eat.. and then class. I think that’ll be a good way to avoid all the eating I’ve been doing out of boredom as well.
Tuesday.. I have class from 10-11:20 and then 2:30 - 3:50..
I’m thinking about stretching.. bringing my gym stuff with me to my first class.. then then walking directly to the gym after… this way I could be done by 12:30 and have time to shower before my second class.
Since I cheated.. I’m going to do two more milk days on Sunday and Monday so tuesday will be a f/v day. I figure I could have a V8 and mix it up with the bagged salad I bought.
Since I’m not too far from my goal, I just need to focus the rest of the way.. and I’m going to look at it differently now.. these little cheats are just killing me now.. so I’m going to tell myself that yes I can eat that, but I’d rather eat it guilt-free and thinner.. I have to keep my goal in mind, and remind myself of all the shopping I want to do but can’t b/c I refuse to until I get to goal. I gotta just remember how strict this diet is and that any little cheat will slow me down, and I could ALWAYS eat whatever I want to eat after my diet.. it isn’t for life.
I’m sure once I start working out and get busier with school, I won’t want to cheat as much, b/c it’s mostly been out of boredom and even when I was younger it was always out of boredom.

So that is my plan. I NEED to update this everyday at least for these following few days b/c I need to keep myself accountable. I can do this.. I cheated but that doesn’t mean I can’t pick up where I left off and get to goal.. if I could lose all this weight with the cheats, I can certainly lose another 15.. (I say 15 b/c I don’t know what my weight really is, I know I’ve gained water weight for sure). Once I get back on track, it always gets easier to continue.. this past week I was on track but I kept eating cheese (lol my downfall is always cheese or chocolate) and of course I didn’t lose.. I shouldn’t be surprised at that, I KNEW that I wouldn’t lose but I was still disappointed.
If I don’t want to be disappointed again, all I have to do is what I already did before! Just stick to the plan! It’s a simple plan really. It’s not that I feel hungry or anything. I just need to re-focus.. I’ve accepted that any diet is a struggle, but the hardest part is always getting back on track once you’ve gone off of it.. so these few days are very critical. And like I said, we have that double-date on Saturday (eek! one week!) and we’ll end up eating later than I’m allowed but I plan on controlling this cheat b/c it is PLANNED unlike my other ones.. so I’m going to just fill up on water the whole day, and then get a salad with maybe grilled chicken but nothing heavier than that.. When I cheat with heavier, richer foods, it’s always harder to get back on track.. but when it’s something small like grilled chicken, I can always get on track.

Okay, there’s my plan. Today I’m going to drink water the rest of the day.. still massage my beads.. and prepare myself mentally tomorrow for going back on track!

ANND.. I WILL reward myself with that perfume, I’ve decided I’ll order it when I get into my 130’s, b/c it seems that getting out of the 140’s has been such a struggle and it’ll be amazing to get into the 130’s. It’ll be a VERY very nice reward.. and once I’m in the 130’s, I won’t feel as much pressure about how much I’ll have to lose.. being in the 130’s will make it easier b/c whenever I see how close I am to something, I can always push forward enough to reach it.. like on the treadmill.. if I feel like giving up but I see I have 10 minutes left, it’s kinda like, c’mon.. I can do another 10 minutes, that’s nothing!  That’s like how it’ll be. I gotta stop telling myself “no cheats” either b/c though I know I shouldn’t cheat, everytime I tell myself I will NOT cheat, it backfires and it makes me feel like a failure.. I’ve gotta just keep in mind that I’ve got to just continue on despite any obstacles, as with anything in life, it doesn’t mean I can’t do it. I just got to work harder. I’m going to take it easy today.. if I eat anything else.. I’m going to enjoy it. I’ll at least finish any “cheating” before 6 or 8ish.. and filll up on water the rest of the night.. then tomorrow is a fresh new day for me to begin again.

It feels great to write about all this b/c it’s helped me organize myself in terms of the dieting.. it’s all mental anyway so getting myself prepared and organized through here is really helpful. I’ll update tomorrow on my workout!

Okay so my first week of classes is done. I’m going by the shuttle today to Jersey Gardens to buy a sports bra so I can start working out..

I’ve been eating too many pudding cups and pieces of cheese.. and I didn’t feel like I was losing.

It was driving me kinda nuts so I decided instead of having little cheats to just cheat, eat something I want, and get it out of my system.. So yesterday I had subway lol and an ice cream.

That’s not to say that it hasn’t made it tough for me today, but I’ll get through the day.
I haven’t really been losing and I know it’s my cheating, so I’m starting fresh.
I have a week left before I see my boyfriend and we are planning a double-date with his friend, so I thought that would be a perfect way to try and motivate myself to just finish this.. I just need to lose 10-15 pounds already, and I can do this. I just need to focus. It is an adjustment to eat here, but I’m sure I can do it, I just need to focus.. I want to buy that sports bra so I can work out on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
So I’m going to go today.. and I’m going home tomorrow so I can get a few things I need, including a blender so I can finally make those mochachino’s again.
It’s tough, but I gotta push through this..
Yes I feel like eating chocolate and other things, but I’m sure that if I can get through today and tomorrow, I can just finish this already. So.. my mini-goal right now is to push through today… and lose a couple more hopefully by Friday. My boyfriend is going to buy foods that I can eat, but he said for the double-date we’ll probably go out to eat.. so I figure that I will have that one cheat day, but I’ll make healthy choices so that cheat won’t be too bad.. I won’t let it turn into a binge.. I’ll probably try to order grilled chicken and a salad, that seems to be a meal you could get from any restaurant..

Anyway, I want to wear either my skirt or this dress, so if I lose a couple more pounds, it’ll look really nice on me.. so that’s my motivation for now..

Soo.. I moved into the suite on Sunday~

It’s great, it’s beautiful actually, everything is very new.. we have more than enough room in here!
My roommate is great, she’s serious about school and she goes to bed early.. She’s also not a partier and doesn’t go to frats so I won’t be the only one! She’s basically the opposite of my roommates last year lol
so I’m happy about that…

I had my first day of classes today… still struggling to get into school mode! I’m pretty bored though, it’s quiet..
MAN, if I wasn’t on my diet right now I’d be munching! It’s amazing how many times I felt like eating out of pure boredom.. no cravings, just felt like munching for the sake of it!
I did well on my diet but yesterday I went back home to pick up a few things, and it’s the first day of Ramadan so my mom wanted me to join her when she broke fast… so I did eat, didn’t feel too great, but it didn’t make me feel weaker.. I’m back on my diet today anyway and doing fine.
I just need to go to Shoprite tomorrow and pick up some sugar-less candy, and definitely seltzer-water.. it’ll help me resist urges. My roommate knows I’m dieting and she’s not the type to question what I’m doing or anything so she doesn’t beg me to go eat with her or something like that.

I’m pretty happy here, I’m just.. EXTREMELY excited to go see Myles not this weekend but next weekend! It’s been 4 months! I miss him sooo much, so I’m excited lol.
Schoolwork is.. well what it is. I’m waiting on my textbooks… I ordered them online so hopefully I’ll be getting them either end of this week or next Monday.

I’ll update more later..
I SHOULD workout, but I’m kinda tired.. so I think I’ll take it easy this week…