Changing my Life through Accu-weight Loss

147. Yay. =D

Finals went really well, we were all sad classes ended actually.. I have to admit that I really REALLY enjoyed both of these classes, if all my classes were like these two, I would certainly have a near-perfect GPA!
Food.. I ran into this girl I used to talk to in the semester.. and since today was the last day, she had to get rid of excess flex points so she bought me a juice.. it’s fruit juice.. all-natural.. mixed.. I checked the label and it’s all juice, nothing else, but still it has 2 servings and I drank a lil over half.. I know it had WAY more fruits than I was allowed! It’s okay though.. next time.. I’m going to dilute it with water (i’m saving the rest).
I’m going to go cook some stirfry and drink some water..
It’s funny.. I noticed that my face looked thinner and I thought I was just being weird.. and then I get on the scale and it’s 147! crazy… also.. my lower back and around my stomach.. it’s weird how after a certain point you can really see where the weight is coming off from..

I’m extremely stressed.

To get it outta the way, I followed my diet, had a can of V8, and a kiwi… oh wait.. I did have a lil more than that actually I bought a banana-cocoa smoothie from starbucks.. no sugar or anything, just cocoa, whey powder, and a whole banana that’s blended.. oh.. yes and a little milk. Okay I know the milk part was bad..
but w/e…
I’m just so stressed.. I have my final paper due and my two finals tomorrow (okay first of all, I hate that my hisotry teacher gave us a final paper AND a final!) and that isn’t even the source of the stress..
My mom has been stressing me all day and she just cursed me out on the phone all because I called her up asking where the key was (they hid a key outside) and I mean there are 5 flower pots and she said its in one of them.. she didnt say it was under.. she told me after I called her up the third time.. but the whole time she was just giving me such an attitude and yelling.. all b/c i called to ask! jeez I’m so fed up with her and the way she “talks” to me.. I really can’t wait to go back to school, this is too ridiculous.
I always have to hear about the things shes doing wrong in her life and all the stress she has and then she claims she cares about how I do in my classes but she doesn’t care if I tell her, she kinda puts off the “yeah whatever” vibe.. all b/c she always expects more and more from me.. like getting a full scholarship, the fact that i didn’t get one makes me a failure.. or that I’m not at Cornell.. she didn’t even help me out with the whole college process, she played dumb and was like well i’m not American so I don’t know (even tho she technically is!) and she doesn’t know about all the schools and how schools become ivy and rutgers was supposed to be ivy twice and just how great rutgers is…

Then she’s been acting clingy.. and i don’t want to go into it.. its jsut too much from her, she has a lot of things she needs to sort out and I’m basically fed up with having to deal with all of her issues for once.. i mean i’ve been hearing about this since I was a kid and she’s always depressed and it’s all HER decisions..
ugh.
I want to go back to the dorm.. and do my own thing.. I’m tired of her life always being the center.. her problems.. her everything.. this is my time now. I know this sounds very selfish to outsiders but no one really knows all the stuff my family’s been through.. and I’m just tired of it! I want my own life, I want NORMALCY..
whatever.
on top of that.. people have been acting rude all day on the buses.. i mean it started out bad, with one of the buses breaking down but thankfully it was near rutgers so I could just walk the rest of the way..
and now I’m SUPER worried about Myles.. oh man I can’t go into it but he is dealing with a loot more than I am righ now and I feel helpless.. I want to help him.. but idk how.. he told me to call later and its been an hour n some.. idk if I should leave him be longer or call him again. idk. i’m worried for him =/

on a brighter note.. i left my hair natural today that’s right.

absolutely nooo combing e xcept with my hands to put leave in conditioner through.. and a root blaster… no diffuser, I want to dry my hair naturally.. I scrunched a little but all I put was leave-in conditioner and citre-shine spray to seal the moisture, then I “plunked” my hair for 10 min (you use a t-shirt to scrunch your hair up upside down and then you tie it like a towel, it encourages the curls) and well my hair is great, it’s wavy but I had no idea it was THIS wavy or curly.. I would prefer a little volume but I can use a little mousse tomorrow. So.. i’m really embracing my natural hair! if I do use the blow-dryer, it’ll be with the diffuser and just to encourage the curls.. I need to stop fighting my hair and let it be, I’ve done a lot of damage with the blow-drying and straightening…

anyway.. the mom thing I’ll get over, in fact the whole day was stressful but I’m home now and I just need to focus on my finals and my paper.
I’m going to go finish my paper now, so I can talk to Myles and help him through..
I’m so worried about him =/

Edit: everything is great with Myles, I’m really relieved..

but wow my mom jsut came home and she’s still attacking me and calling me crazy and I knew she would because she called my cell phone to tell me to open the door really nastily.. and I’m upstairs in my room, in just a t-shirt so I had to put on a pair of pants or something, and that doesn’t take long.. then I hear BANGING from the first floor, THAT’S NUTS! my door is closed, i shouldn’t hear loud banging like that.. so I’m like shit… So I go unlock the door and try to hurry as much as possible to go up the stairs, and she’s barely through the door til she’s yelling WHERE’S MY KEY (which I left on the table and if she even stepped inside she could see it, which she did after she asked) and I didn’t answer, I just said “I can’t deal with you right now, I need to go study for my finals!” and then she starts mocking me like “OHHH… STUDY..” and that got me mad so I’m like man you’re acting so crazy.. and she starts saying some other shit so I just go upstairs close the door at the top of the stairs…
I’m sorry but my mom can be the biggest bitch, she can be soo inconsiderate and everyone has to revolve around her issues and problems!
She’s been mad because I couldn’t find my spare key yesterday and i left the door unlocked and usually I get home before her but my stepdad came home early.. so he found it unlocked.. and this morning I was like I can’t find my key (I know it’s in myr oom somewhere) and I don’t have time to look for it.. so I’ll still lock the door (this whole time my mom is still yelling over the phone, this was in the morning b/c they leave before me and I’m upstairs getting ready) and she’s like ok I’ll tell him to leave his key somewhere..

So I mean.. what the hell? Throughout the day she called another time to ask if I locked it and I said I did and everything was.. fine.. then all of a sudden she’s not just giving me an attitude, but cursing at me, calling me stupid and all these curses.. and it’s like fuck, I’m not 12 anymore I don’t have to hear this..!

This is just one incident.. there’s a lot of drama that goes on in my family and I will say that it all revolves around my mom. I’m so sick of her, she will act really clingy sometimes, and depressed, asking me to forgive her and sayng sorry that shes still with my stepdad and whatever whatever.. and then the next, she will fuckin.. take stuff out on you! she always has.. and if you try  and make a point about it she doesn’t care. she thinks she’s always right. I’m so sick of her.. I really am.. she says sorry for things and does the same time.. I can’t be her therapist anymore.. I’ve been dealing with her problems since I was…. old enough to remember.. seriously. What she should do with her life… if she should divorce my father or not… all this BS… and like I said I’m sick of it.
It’s my time now, you know? Im turning 20.. I need a little stability.. I’ve never had a stable family life.. NEVER! If I wrote about half the things that went on, it could be turned into a novel, believe me.. and I try not to allude to all that when I’m focusing on my own life because it is a lot of baggage. This is why I love dorming.. it isn’t just “freedom”.. some girls think freedom is being able to do what you want at whatever time of the night, well freedom for me is being able to breath, having enough peace of mind to focus on myself, and look at things clearly…  freedom from stress!

It is so stressful… I don’t know. I just don’t know.. I know I’ll be dealing with all this in 10 years at a shrink.. and I’m serious about that, although I don’t think badly of psychologists, given that I wanted to be one before.
Alright, now that all of that is gone and I’m a little calmer, I’m going to go back to studying =/

Hey, I’m happy to say I’ve been sticking on track for the past two days..
It’s always the first few days back from a major cheat that are the hardest, so I’m glad I’m almost there.
Still.. it is close to my period and I’m having major cravings.. a lot less than before of course.
Oh, I didn’t clean today =P I know I said I would, I think I just jinx things when I say those things.. but anyway I was just really tired and felt like an energy drink would just be too much.. also I have been doing readings to work on my paper.. I think i’ll just wait til classes are over on Wednesday.

My new incentive it to go on transition already! I’m really missing food! It’s been.. over two months haha..
Gets tiring.. I actually went online and looked up recipes for when I go on transition, and that actually
comforted me because I knew I’d actually be able to do those recipes on transition.
Seriously.. if I could just eat chicken with my salads or my veggies, I would not have a problem
sticking to this diet, BUT, I’m not complaining I mean I lost over 30 lbs and I have only 15-18 more left to go!
I think I’ve been cheating partly because I’m kind of tired of it..  and out of feeling like “at least I’m down to 150″BUT, I don’t want to stop here and cheating only prolongs the diet, so I’ve just been focusing on what exciting new recipes I’ll try out at the dorm during transition (haha).
I don’t like cooking at home as much.. mostly because I don’t have access to a lot of ingredient I may need, but I’ll have more freedom to shop around and get my own spices and things at the dorm, so it will be like a fresh start to cooking. I’m really only learning.. I mean I can bake just as well as the other person, but baking is always the easiest.. I’ve cooked chicken and beef before but not enough times.

This might be repetitive, but it is therapeutic in some strange way for me to look at recipes. Looking at clothes is one thing, but I’m already dressing nicely enough and that gets tiring, especially given that afterall, they are just clothes… the process is WAY more satisfying when you are at goal haha.

OH, I did try on this dress that I was talking about before.. and really it is soo adorable.. and I look really tiny in it.. I was thinking about wearing it tomorrow but it is all black and I don’t know.. I think it is too nice? Or it might be that I’m not used to wearing dresses.. in any case.. if it was a different color I would have worn it. It is cotton, with an empire waist-line and has 3-quarter sleeves, deep V (I’m wearing a cami under it which is.. again.. black) and the best part is the bottom, which is ruffled.. so it is fairly straight and fitting and hugs a little at the butt and then has cute ruffles that make it feel really comfy and cute.

I love it.. It is more of a fall-type dress, I could see myself wearing it out on the town, even during the day in the fall, but not sure about summer (although the weather certainly feels like fall)..

One of the great things about transition is that.. when you look at the foods you can start eating again, it is just healthy in general, and I feel like it is a great way to stay healthy-minded once you get off the diet. Because this diet is extreme, I think it would be hard (my opinion) to just.. go back to eating normally but transition kinda forces you to eat healthy and experiment with foods. From this diet, I’ve already learned great ways to make my own lattes and coffee drinks, ways to use Jello to create great dishes with plain yogurt, milk recipes, even ways to use sugar-free syrups (fruity ones) in seltzer water to give it a hint of a soda taste without the bad effects of diet soda… but most importantly, the vegetables.. I LOVE veggies now!
And not soaked in oil or over-cooked as in a lot of Indian dishes, but just plain and simple. I love the bags of frozen stir-fry veggies b/c they are sooo easy and convenient.. and perfect at the dorm.. and I love the taste. Fruits too.. I always like fruit but since I’ve been eating it for 2 months now, fruit is just so much better than a hostess cake.. hah.. not to mention great fruit smoothies and drinks. And really, letting go of all those foods helped me a lot.. I mean once I cheated, I felt horrible and I kept eating for the sake of eating.. but I felt horrible.. and I mean, I would REALLY taste all the sugars and crap in all the processed foods and it makes you wonder how much your body gets accustomed to eating junk where you don’t even taste half of what is in it!

Anyway.. so stuff I’ve been looking at for transition..
I read that transition involves veggie/fruit days 5 days a week but this time only 1 serving of fruit.. the hours change too, and you add chicken into the mix, or fish.. and egg if you want, the major thing is eating chicken though.. also you can have a serving of cheese but not too much everyday.. and you can start to use a little more oil among a few other things.. and then for 2 days you do milk days.. I don’t know what goes on for the rest of transition so that is something that scares me.. b/c I don’t know if this is the protocol for the whole time or if you start to add other foods in.. what I will do it follow that protocol for about 2 weeks and then after that, start to add small servings of whole grains.
Once I get off this diet though, I do want to follow a whole food-style eating habit, with a big breakfast in the morning that is so often raved about.. I think if I just stick to that type of a lifestyle or as close to it as possible, I shouldn’t worry about gaining it back. After transition they call it maintenance forever, and even then, the protocol for getting off the wagon is to do two milk days (even with the beads off).. I guess that is for if you binge or something. That is pretty cool, I will definitely keep that in mind. I really just want to eat healthy.. because I feel like now that everything is out of my system, I’m in the process of creating a whole new body and I’ll get a second chance to fill it with healthy foods.
Ohhh.. another recipe that I’m dyying to try out, is this no-bake light pumpkin pie… I probably can’t do it til I’m towards the end of transition, but yeah, it sounds pretty good.
Anyway…
I know setting time limits has been pretty bad in my case.. BUT… I really do want to hit transition by the time I see Myles.. or at least near it.. Only because it is immensely hard to stick to this diet when I’m around him because although he is dieting as well.. his diet is pretty much what transition is for me.. chicken and veggies, eggs, little oil, no rice… etc… I’m not going to see him until.. well when I look at the date, pretty much 1 whole month! Sept. 12… hmm.. that seems like ample time! I’ll just kick up the exercise and I should definitely be around goal that week.. anyway, I may end up seeing him the weekend after but we are aiming for the 2nd week b/c that is when he should be at his apartment. Worst comes to worse.. I’ll still try to finish off the last few days of my diet at his place, but I’ll just kick up the cardio, especially those two weeks that I’m at the dorm (remember, gym membership).. I had no problem working out when I was at the dorm oddly enough.. It might be the whole gym experience and being in that atmosphere that motivates you..

My fitness goals.. as I stated previously.. I want to buy a matt and do the Callanetics program.. and my goal for cardio is 45 minutes each, 3 times during the week.. So.. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (although wednesdays are HECTIC!).. and the weekends when I’m at the dorm, I’ll definitely do another day.. Really.. I’ll keep it modest.. 2-3 times starting out, mostly because I just won’t have time.. and also.. I’ll keep doing Callanetics after I lose, my goal for that being the whole 10 hours. To be honest.. I don’t want rock hard abs or anything.. I think it is more feminine to have softness, but I do want to feel shaped and lifted. I think that is another reason why I’m probably going to stay at the 130 goal.. I figure if I stop at 130, and do the exercises, I should have a shaped body with curves and some softness. But again, we’ll see when I get there!
Hehe, this is a LONG post, but I don’t care.. it’s a blog. I find that putting all these things in words helps me focus and makes it.. REAL.

To recap.. I’m back on track, feeling re-motivated, set a goal of losing the remaining 15 (I’m rounding it to 15) in exactly a month, going to get there by revving up the cardio, I want to start callanetics as soon as I get the matt, and my cravings have really just motivated me to just finish this already.. I’ve looked at recipes for the transition phase to get me motivated (the idea that the sooner I finish, the sooner I can try out all these *healthy* but tasty foods.. b/c I dont’ think I could trust myself to just go off the diet without the transition), and.. well yes, I’m motivated and happy about that! The time limit I set for myself will FLYYY by because I’ll have a lot going on, and that is great b/c it’s when I’m bored that I eat, and the first two weeks at school won’t be crazy stressful, so I should be able to finish off the last few pounds during those weeks! Ohh.. another thing I forgot to mention.. yes I know I’m young but I like to have a few drinks with my guy on the weekends, I don’t like to drink to get drunk, I just like to have a few drinks and hang out and talk with people.. I can’t drink alcohol (as I mentioned before), but I would really like to go back to this restaurant I absolutely loved (whose owner loved my boyfriend and I) that served authentic Spanish food and have a few drinks there. They had amazing drinks.. and I think that is how I’d like to celebrate the end of my transition…
Whenever Myles comes down, it’s always on a Friday of course, so my idea is he’ll come down that Friday, I’ll pick out a really nice dress, and we’ll have dinner and drinks over there. I think it would be a perfect way to celebrate.. I’ve been trying to think of extravegent ways to celebrate, but the new wardrobe is a given.. but I think this would be a lot more memorable.

Anyway that’s it haha I’ll post again after my classes are over!

Alright, it has been a while since I’ve posted..

To update.. I had a pretty bad week of cheating. The most so far.. My weight has stayed around 150. I know a lot is due to water weight from the foods I’ve been eating…
It definitely got me down..
I’m not making an excuse but it has been a pretty stressful week with classes ending soon and everything, just a lot of work and reading. I have a final paper due tomorrow which I’m ashamed to say I’ve procrastinated immensely over.
It just hit me today though…
My room has been a complete mess for about 2 weeks…  Last weekend was the first weekend I didn’t go out at all, and didn’t feel too busy. The weekends before that were spent outside of my room. I can honestly say that the mess has really affected my focus.. not only is it depressing, it makes me feel really lazy and I start to fall back on old habits. It bothers me, and it makes me feel less… in charge.
I could have cleaned this whole weekend but I didn’t.. it is like this cycle. Instead, I ate food.
I’m glad to say I’m back on track today.. and I really wanted to clean all day but I used the day to do research and brainstorm for my paper.. I’m working on it right now.. I MUST clean up when I get home tomorrow. I plan on drinking an energy drink when I get home and just getting to it
I can’t express how unenergetic I’ve been feeling.. and I know it is due to the eating, the mess, and not working out. Well, baby steps. I got back on track today with the diet, started with a milk day. I had a lot of cravings but I told myself.. ENOUGH.. I already wasted a week and now this week too, because it will be spent trying to undo the damage.
The good thing is classes end on Wednesday so I’ll have time to work out more. I plan on spending tomorrow cleaning, and then Tuesday studying (I really only need to study for history because the music class is pretty easy, I will probably look over it on the bus too, but history is going to have essays on intense readings).
As low as I’ve been feeling, I’m feeling optimistic today because I did make it through the day, and tomorrow is the start of a new week! I know getting out will help too, and I am going to stick with cleaning my room after school.. that is going to be my priority, and like I said before, I’m going to drink and energy drink if I have to (sugar-free of course).
So Wednesday is the last day.. so I’ll start back up on the treadmill on Wednesday. I really need to buy a mat… I don’t have any other place to do the Callenetics DVD and we have hardwood floors… I REALLY want to fully start that, I think I could probably aim to do it on Thursday after a bit of cardio, and then again on Sunday. I’m only speaking generally though, my goal is to just do the whole 1-hour workout ONCE this week. I figure if I can even do it twice a week, I’ll be happy, (I think people report that 10 hours is enough to see major results). Since my primary goal is to lose weight and you don’t lose muscle on the diet, I think I will take it easy with the strength training, I figure since my initial plan was to just mix in cardio (which is already more than you need to lose weight on the diet), strength-training is almost like icing on the cake.

So, I’ll buy the mat.. and I plan on doing it in the comfort of the dorm when no one is around. I know my roommate isn’t around on the weekends, and although I’ll be up in CT visiting Myles, I know I’ll have some weekends where I won’t..
Wednesday’s and Thursday’s are extremely stressful and hectic days for my classes.. my classes are spread out, and LONG! I have planet earth lab on Wednesday mornings from 8:30 - 11:20, then Culture and Cold War from 1-1:20,  and Physical Anthropology from 4 - 5:20…
And then Thursday’s I have Calculus from 10 - 11:20,  Planet Earth from 2:30 - 3:50, and the big one, American National Government from 6 - 9pm. Then Friday’s I have recitation for calculus, 9-9:50 am (not bad, but we’ll have quizzes every friday). Very tiring..  I really wanted classes in the mornings to get it over with but my schedule wasn’t working out like that because classes filled up FAST!
I really wanted to work on campus as well.. just for a little bit of money. On Monday’s my classes start at 2:30 so I could work on Monday’s for sure, most of the offices class at 4:30, so I could work maybe from
10-2. The hours are very flexible with them, so if some days I don’t want to work (probably if I’m in CT and decide to take the greyhound back Monday Morning) they won’t chastise you.  I could also afford 2 hours on Tuesday’s. Like I said, I just want a little extra money each week, my dad said he’d help me out with groceries and he’d give me money for the month, so the extra money will be more like spending cash.

I’m honestly really excited for next semester, even though I might not make it to goal  until mid-September, I’ve at least achieved the milestone that is comfortable with me. The only thing was that I wanted to go shopping for clothes before classes started..  during the sales. I probably will buy a few tops that I know I could squeeze into, and I’ll buy jeans during September. Hmm, I still don’t know how much I will drop in size though, so we’ll see. Jeans are always a harder item to shop for..

My roommate, thankfully, is not a party or frat girl, and she gets to bed around 11.. I’m so glad! Last year one of my roommates stayed up til 2 or 3 every night and her typing and light bothered me. I’m just really really excited.. Might go dorm shopping this Friday or this weekend.. Just a few things, notebooks, pens… I also want a small blender. I already have a small kitchen set for the dorm so I’m set with that.
Anyway, I’m going to sleep now. This paper isn’t due til Wednesday, so I’m going to bed now. I’ll update tomorrow on how the cleaning and diet went =]