Hi everyone!

Georgeous day out today. I’m afraid that these days are going to disappear soon. I hate winter!!! Of course, I worked overnight, so I missed half the day sleeping. And now that I am awake, I have no one to share the day with. I did take a rather boring walk though, just to feel like I wasn’t wasting a nice day.

During my overnight shift last night, I gave in and had a cinnamon raisin Dunkin Donuts bagel. I am past the point of ever ordering one for myself, but when a coworker pulled out a bag of them at 2am, I couldn’t resist. I LOVE bread. Bagels, toast, croissants, etc. I LOVE them! When the same coworked brought bagels last week, I resisted, but last night I was weak. And you know what??? I didn’t even enjoy it that much. It was good, but it felt so wrong. It would be one thing if it was something I was craving and went out to treat myself, but I wasn’t even hungry. They just looked irresistable when she pulled them out. What I am saying, is that I only ate it because I saw it, and that’s not good.

But oh well … one bagel isn’t going to kill me. Just wish I had saved the calories for a special treat today. Not that I’m even craving anything … yet!!!

I’m going to see my boy tonight. He’s been transferred to an alternative center. Not a locked unit, although you can’t leave. You’re not physically locked in, but he had to sign something saying that he wouldn’t leave or he gets in big trouble. And the visits, I assume, are pretty much the same. No touching, one hour long. I can’t believe that this is happening to us. If you have no idea what I am talking about, read back a week or so. My boy got locked up for money (only $2000) he owed from 1999. Couldn’t pay it because he was putting all his money towards child support and bills. Long story. Not a bad boy though … just having his past catch up with him. I wrote the whole story in a recent blog. I miss him more than I can put into words!

OK … gonna do a little cleaning around the apartment before getting ready. This day has really slipped past me quickly!!! Have a great day!

Exciting title, isn’t it?

Not much to say. Just felt like checking in. I am feeling very lonely. I am really missing Jay. It looks like he should be home in early October. About a month. I guess that’s not too long from now, but every day seems like forever without him. I am no longer enjoying my alone time. I am just plain lonely. Not that I don’t have friends, but it’s really not the same. I want him.

On a good note, I cleaned for another hour an a half today. That’s 7 1/2 hours towards my September goal. It feels so good to clean the spots that I haven’t even touched since we moved her 2 years ago. The little nooks and crannies you don’t even notice. This place is going to be amazing if I can keep up with this!

Eating has been fine so far today. It may not seem like I had enough yet, but that’s because I am working overnight and will be eating overnight too.

- apple

- large Almond Joy Iced coffee (it has mocha in it so I skip the skim milk and splenda)

- turkey sandwich on white roll with smart balance mayo (10 cals/Tbsp)

- cup of green grapes

About 600 calories so far. Maybe less. I haven’t logged it yet. I’m planning on bringing a Smartones frozen meal and a couple of low-calorie snacks to work. Guessing around 1100 calories for the day. Maybe I’ll update if work isn’t crazy.

Good luck to everyone. Eat healthy and keep moving!!!

It was weigh-in day today. 119.5 lbs. The exact same as last weekend. Now that’s maintainence!!!

I was down a few during the week, but then ate so much all weekend. So, it evened out. Let’s see if I can do it again this week.

So, I made it a Labor Day of true labor. I just spent 6 hours cleaning my house. It’s still a disaster actually because I started too many different projects at once. But I wanted to go beyond the regular Clorox wipe-down, and quick sweep and mop. I actually washed down the walls with a spongue. And cleaned the inside of the microwave. And the TOP of the refridgerator, The things I usually skip.

Since I have made my original goal of losing weight, and am now just in the maintainence phase, I have another non-weight related goal. It’s the first of September, and I want to spend 45 hours this month cleaning/organizing my apartment. For some, that might not seem like a lot of time, but an hour and a half a day is a lot for me. My place isn’t “dirty”. Please don’t get that impression. It just needs a good thorough cleaning of all those places you forget about. The ceiling fan, closets, junk drawer, etc. I think I can do it … I’ve got 6 hours down already. I’ll keep you updated.

One more REALLY good story before I go. I went to the Gap outlet today. I haven’t shopped at the Gap in quite a while, and someone reminded me that their clothes run big. Knowing that, I took my chances trying on a size 4 cargo khakis. THEY WERE TOO BIG!!!! WHAT!!!!!!!!!! The place was insanely busy, so I just bought a size 2 without trying them on until I got home. Still kind of doubting that they would fit. But they did!!! Actually, they were almost on the loose side if anything. A size 2 … kind of loose??? Beyond my wildest dreams to say that. Of course, I wouldn’t even want to be a size 2 in regular clothes, because I think that would be too thin for me. But since Gap runs so big, it’s kind of fun to think in my head that I went from a size 12 at my largest down to a 2! This is such strange territory for me. I love it!!!

I haven’t been writing. I’ve been keeping really busy. I worked A LOT this week. Overtime. This weekend, I babysat my cousin’s 2 year old little boy. My cousin is 9 months pregnant, and she’s in the process of moving. I thought it would be a nice break for her. I can assure you that I have A LOT of experience with kids. I have been babysitting my whole life. Was a nanny for years. Studied pediatric nursing. Worked at camps. Etc. I figured 2 days with Alex would be a piece of cake. Easy. Fun. Boy was I wrong! I did have fun, but it was not easy. I’ve never dealt with a kid that just is a magnet for danger. My place is not childproof, so I made sure I was with him at all times. I guess being 2 feet away from him is not enough. If I just looked away for 30 seconds, he was getting in trouble. He put refridgerator magnets in the toaster oven and turned it on. (Caught him instantly, Thank God!!) Found the aquarium chemicals in the cabinet under the fish tank. (I got them out of his hands fast!) We somehow lost his fork during dinner. I found it later in the cat’s food bowl. But that’s ok that he might have tasted the cat food, cuz I later found him shoving his breakfast cereal into the cats mouth. I could go on and on and on. He kept me on my toes more than any child I have watched before. But at least he is polite and says his pleases and thank yous. He wasn’t being bad … just an active, curious 2 year old!!!

I ordered pizza with my friend last night. I ate more in one sitting than I have in a VERY long time. It’s disgusting to say, but I ate half of a large veggie pizza. An entire half! And I washed in down with a few vodka drinks.

Today, I went to a party to meet my friend’s new baby. (She’s visiting from out of town.) I have been snacking all day. Food has not been good this weekend at all, but I don’t feel like I am in a downward spiral. I think I just got off my schedule and that makes me eat more. Whatever … I’m in maintenence mode right now. I have to be okay with occasional splurges … as long as they don’t get out of control.

Here’s the best part about today. Because there were kids involved that needed supervision, my friends and I all ended up in the pool. I don’t know how it happened, but out of the 5 of us there today, I was the thinnest. That has never ever been true in that group. You know how most people flutuate their weight a little. It seems that while I am at a low, most of them have gone a little bit up. I know that I shouldn’t be comparing myself to them like this, but it felt good. It REALLY felt good. I have never felt good about my body in this group of friends, but now I can see that my hard work has paid off. The compliments that I seem to hear everyday lately are nice too. I could get used to this.

Who knew that reaching your goal weight was this rewarding??? Maybe if I knew how good it felt, I would have tried harder a long time ago.

You girls can all get there. I know you can. It feels great! I hope I can stay here. I hope I can make it last. I never want to be overweight again.

Wednesday, August 27th

6am - large coffee with skim milk and one splenda

          FiberOne bar

10am - 3/4 cups FiberOne cereal with skim milk and blueberries

1pm - turkey burger on whole wheat roll with ketchup

        100 calorie pack cookies

7pm - apple

8:30pm - SmartOnes Pot Roast

10pm - 100 calorie Slim-a-Bear ice cream sandwich

Total Calories: 1220   …. Perfect!!!

You know how pregnant people always seem to have their hand on their belly? When you start to lose weight, do you ever feel yourself doing the same thing??? Like when you have only gone down a couple of pounds, and maybe it’s not noticable yet to anyone else, but you touch your belly and it feels smaller to you??? I have been doing a lot of belly touching lately. Maybe i’m just weird!

I walked on the beach today. I don’t know how anyone lives without a beach in driving distance. I need to know that the ocean is nearby, even if I don’t see it all the time. The 45 minutes distance I have from the beach now is kind of extreme to me, but totally do-able. I used to live about 15 minutes away growing up. The smells, sounds, sights, feel of the sand and water. I love it!!! Just wish I had Jay to walk with. We never spent days on the beach lying out together, but we always enjoyed walking on the beach in the evenings. It always felt so romantic.

I don’t collect sea glass, but I found the prettiest purple sea glass today. I had to pick it up. Purple sea glass isn’t common, is it? I don’t remember seeing it. Maybe it should be my goodluck charm. I could use one!!!

I just made the best turkey burger using my George Foreman grill. I hardly ever use it, but it really does make a difference. I made an extra to bring to work tomorrow. I had baby veggies on the side. And I think I am going to have my 100 calorie Slim-a-Bear ice cream sandwich for dessert. About 1000 calories or so for the day. I haven’t done the final tally yet on Daily Plate.

OK …. got some stuff to look up online. Hope everyone has a good night. Keep up the good work!!!

I’m still weighing in every Monday to make sure I maintain. Yesterday I was 119.5 lbs. I’m eating around 1200 calories a day. It’s where I’ve gotten comfortable. I go over sometimes, which is probably good. According to Daily Plate calculations I can eat up to 1800 calories a day to maintain … that just sounds like a lot to me though. At this point, when I am all alone with no one to cook for, I can’t eat that much everyday. Not unless I start eating junk, which is not my everyday lifestyle anymore. (Ya … I ate McDonalds the other day, but that doesn’t count!) I just have no desire to cook new recipes for myself. I enjoyed cooking to share with Jay. Not just for the sake of cooking.

If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound …. If I cook a yummy recipe for no one, does it taste good?

I just sent some books over Amazon.com for Jay. He doesn’t read for fun. Probably hasn’t read a book voluntarily in his life. But he’s bored, and it’s the only thing I can really send. Any recommendations for easy-reading books? He has a thing for islands. I sent him Robinson Crusoe, Treasure Island, and Swiss Family Robinson. I’m not sure what kind of reading they are, but I know that he likes those kind of stories. I also sent the first Harry Potter book. I hear that’s one that gets people back into reading. Anyone know of any easy reading books to recommend? Or even any other books to recommend .. jokes, humor, etc? I sent him a Card Trick book too. I know he won’t read them all because he’s not away for a long, long time, but I thought I might hit the jackpot with at least one of them. He’s soooo bored.

By the way, I can’t believe how cheap Amazon is. I never shop online. $24 for 5 books??? And that was mostly shipping and handling??? I’m getting ripped off at the bookstores!

Well, I suppose I should do something with my day. Laundry, maybe a walk, lunch. I’ll be back to read some blogs later.

I’ve decided that I am finally ready to share my story. I am ready to explain where my man is and why he can’t be home with me. None of my friends and family know about this site, so I should feel comfortable writing anything I want without being judged. Here goes:

Jay and I met February 5, 2005 at a SuperBowl party. We talked throughout the game. I thought he was cute. He asked for my number. I said no. I’m not quite sure why. I left at half-time to go to another party, but the other party was so lame that I returned to the first one. He asked for my number again. This time I told him he could have it if our team, the Patriots, won. The Patriots won, I gave him my number, and we’ve now been together for three and a half years.

Jay is a good guy. He really is. But he has a bad boy history. Drugs, court cases, probation, etc. I’ve kept him in line, and his bad boy behavior and bad boy friends are a thing of the past. Unfortunately, he has a court case from 1999 that has been haunting him this whole time. He’s been on probation only because he had a lot of money to pay, and he wasn’t able to pay it. He has a daughter that he pays $600/month in child supprt for. And he was supposed to pay $150/week to court on top of that. Not to mention normal expenses like rent, bills, food, etc.

Jay is a mason. When there is work, money is good. But winters are very tough. And this summer has been very tough because no one is building anymore. He works as much as he can, but it has been so inconsistent. Not enough to pay $1200/month for child support and court. Not on top of rent and other expenses. So, he chose to pay child support regularly but couldn’t keep up with court fees. And it’s not like he even owes a huge amount anymore. In 1999, he owed $13,000. He got it down to $2000. (And he wasn’t paying a cent during the early 2000’s because he was still in his bad boy phase.) He was doing his best.

He had a court date on August 13th to review his probation. His probation officer and the head probation officer were very understanding. They had no real problem with him. They recommended to the judge that his probation be extended until he could come up with the last $2000. Well …. Jay got the worst judge on the worst day. And that’s exactly what the probation officer said to me. He sentenced Jay to 6 months in jail. The PO was actually apologizing to me, saying that it never should have happened.

I was in shock. I couldn’t beleive what I was hearing. They took him away right in front of me. We didn’tget to say goodbye. I was numb. I was in a state of complete disbelief.

So, right now I am not with Jay because he is in jail. Even though they said 6 months, he should be home by November 11th at the latest. But that’s a very long time. The longest we have gone apart in 3 1/2 years is only a few nights. Our worlds have been turned upside-down.

We get to talk on the phone every day. And I got to visit for 45 minutes today for the first time. He looks ok. He sounds ok. He seems to be handling everything ok. Some days seem harder than others … for both of us. It seems like something that we can handle for a week or so, but months??? I don’t know how we’re going to make it though this. He doesn’t deserve this. He is a good guy. He was trying his best. At least he no longer owes that $2000. Unfortunately, how is he supposed to pay $600/month in child support when he’s locked up? I’m going to pay some of it but I can’t take over the whole $600 when I am stuck paying all the other bills and rent alone. I don’t want him to have trouble with family court when he gets out for not paying all the child support. It’s a really tricky deal.

Here’s another hard aspect of this … I’m not telling anyone. Not my family or friends or neighbors. People are really going to start noticing he’s gone. Especially when he misses a family wedding we are supposed to go to. I just don’t want anyone to know, because I don’t think that My friends and family are so protective of me, and they would totally judge him based on this. I have to keep it to myself. I think that I am going to tell them he went to stay with his aunt in Maine for a month or so because he knew he had steady work up there. I think they might buy that story. I hate to lie, but it’s so much easier than dealing with their judgements for the rest of my relationship with Jay, which hopefully will be forever.

Anyway, I can’t write anymore about this right now. It’s bringing me down thinking about it, but I am happy to have my story out there.

Now to talk about food. I totally splurged today on the way home from my visit.

McDonalds!!!!  two cheeseburgers and a medium fries

Soooooo unhealthy. But sooooo yummy. The only other thing I ate was a turkey sandwich. And I plan on having a 100 calorie ice cream sandwich. I’ll actually still be around 1500 calories for the day. But it’s sad that about 1000 of them were in one fatty, greasy, yummy meal!!!

Thanks for listening to my story. I can be honest here. It’s nice.

I haven’t been writing faithfully every day. I’ve been busy. Working a lot of overtime. Cousin’s baby shower. Went out with my best friend since childhood and my sister last night. Still just trying to keep busy to keep my mind off my man.

I ate lasagna, birthday cake, and one appetizer of filet wrapped in bacon at the baby shower.  I had to eat there because I had people watching me, thinking that I am losing too much weight. It’s so weird to be in that category where people are concerned about you losing too much. I’ve always had extra pounds. It’s like I don’t know what to do now that I don’t. Anyway, I used portion control, and I ate healthy for breakfast, and skipped dinner cuz that meal happened around 4pm.

I did go out with my friend last night though, like I mentioned before. All day, I had been wearing my favorite Bath and Body Works cucumber lotion. I love the scent! So when I looked at the martini menu at the bar, the Cucumber Martini sounded perfect to me. And it was very good …. but it’s been a very long time since ONE drink has gotten me buzzed! It was a huge martini though, and it was straight gin …. cucumber and rose petal infused gin. Yummy! It was nice to go out on a Saturday night again like a normal person. To forget that my man is gone for a few hours.

I actually ran into a friend that I dated a long time ago. Someone that I am still in contact with, but don’t see often. I think that I kinda ditched my friend (well, my sister was with her at this point so I didn’t leave her alone) and talked with him for the rest of the night. I was way buzzed by that point. Two and a half drinks, but strong ones. I hope I didn’t make a fool of myself to Chris. It was good to see him again.

What do you do when you like the number on the scale, but aren’t happy with your body? I mean, I’m happy, but I don’t understand how I can still have a flabby belly and flabby ass, have no boobs left, and have my ribs actually sticking out. How do I lose the belly and ass without losing more weight? In order to maintain, I calculated on Daily Plate that I can eat 1800 calories a day. I don’t want to lose more weight, but I am definitely not eating 1800 calories a day right now. 1500 at most. I am trying to eat healthy, but I am not trying to lose anymore. This is such uncharted territory for me. I hope that you all still accept me here even though I am not battling weight anymore at the moment. I will always be trying to improve my body. I think that I might have to start exercising consistently to work on that belly and ass., I look okay in clothes (except for the fact that my boobs completely disappeared), but I want a tight body. I’m 30 and have been flabby for my whole life. Is it too late??

By the way, I’m the one on the left in the picture. It’s not my best picture, but it’s one of my thinnest. It was taken at a baby shower yesterday. I look short, but my sister and I are actally both 5′5″ …. she has heels and I have flip-flops on. She’s always been thinner than me … I think I caught up to her.

I’ve been very good this week. I’ve stayed right around 1100 calories. Not too much. Not to little. No exercise, but I’ve been working a lot. Here’s today’s food:

Thursday, August 21st

5:30am - FiberOne Bar

              large coffee with skim milk and one splenda

10:00am - nonfat yogurt with fresh blueberries and 1/4 cup FiberOne cereal mixed in

1:00pm - Lean Cuisine Three Cheese Rigatoni Bowl

             Sugar-Free pudding cup

7:00pm - apple

9:00pm - sliced turkey breast on whole wheat roll with fat free mayo

about 5 minutes from now - Slim-a-Bear 100 calorie ice cream sandwich

Total calories: 1075

So, food is good. Weight is good. Work is keeping me busy. But I am miserable. I really am. I miss my boyfriend soooo much. I probably won’t have him home until the end of October. That’s a long time to be away from the person that you love.

When I am busy at work, I am okay, except for the occasional random moments that he pops into my head. But coming home to an empty house. To a cat that can’t talk back to me, to a computer that sometimes makes me feel more lonely than ever, and to a TV that I have no interest in watching. It’s hard. It’s lonely.

But it’s going to be okay. I really am an independent person. I like my alone time … just not so much of it. Not when it means that I am missing out on together time with the man I love.

Urggghhh!!! I gotta go do something else. I can’t think about this right now. I deserve my 100 calorie dessert now … already added it into my calories. Maybe I’ll have my treat, read a few blogs, and then get in bed with my book. Gotta get up at 5 again for work. Another night alone in bed. Oh well.

I DID IT!!!! I can’t believe it. I reached my goal … and I passed it! I am the lightest I have been since …. well … EVER!!!

120.0 lbs!!!!!!!

I’m officially onto maintenance. I don’t have to try to lose more weight. I have NEVER felt that way. I have always had at least a few pounds to lose. Sometimes a lot (I went through a fat phase in college.) I don’t even know what to think!

Of course, I do have some major toning up to do. If you saw my pics that I posted a few days ago, you can see that I have some big butt issues! And my stomach is not anywhere near flat. But the number on the scale. Perfect … for the very first time ever in my life.

Time to increase the exercise, and maybe chill out on the “dieting”. I’m going to continue to eat healthy, but maybe allow myself a little more freedom.

I hope that you all accept me on this site still. You guys are the reason I was able to make my goal for the first time ever. I’ve tried this for many many years. And feeling committed to this site and recording food on Daily Plate is one of my main motivations. Thanks!!!

Oh my God … I weight 120!!! This is crazy!!!

I wore regular clothes into work tonight (brought my scrubs to change into.) One of the nurses came up to me later and said that she didn’t have any idea I was so thin. She said I looked kinda hot in my normal clothes. That made my night! It’s always nice to hear that someone notices. And I agree that my scrubs don’t show off my figure at all. Maybe it’s time for some new ones!!!

Anyway, gotta go recheck some blood pressures. All my patients have crazy high blood pressures tonight. Keeping me busy busy!!!

Worked 7am - 7pm again today. Here’s my food so far.

6am - large iced coffee, skim milk, one splenda

10am - 3/4 cup FiberOne cereal

            fresh blueberries

            skim milk

2pm - Lean Cuisine Cheese Ravioli

           100 calorie pack cookies

8:30pm - tuna on white roll

               apple

Total calories (so far): 975

I’m probably going to be awake at least another 3 hours. I plan on having some dessert during that time. Not sure what yet. I should be under 1200 calories.

*** Update: I ate a 100 calorie bag of popcorn with diet hot chocolate. Total calories= 1100  … PERFECT!!!!

Oh my God! Just had the scariest couple of minutes! I get home from work, and I’m eating dinner, and I hear this awful noise. I see that it’s my cat on the floor making a terrible noise that I have never heard before. Flash back to ten minutes earlier when I see that my cat is playing with one of my tiny little hair clips. I don’t know how she finds them, but they are her favorite toy ever. I went to pick it up earlier, but felt bad taking it away. She’s been home alone for 15 hours, and so out of guilt let her keep it. Now it looks like she is choking on it!! This is why I am nervous about living alone. Times like this. There I was thinking that I just lost my boyfriend, and now I’m going to lose the cat. I was thinking, how was I going to tell my boyfriend that I killed the cat 4 days into living alone??? Then, a great thing happened. I looked into the corner, and there was the stupid hair clip!!! Of course, I’m still kind of freaked about not knowing why she was making that sound. Hairball maybe? I’ve seen cats have hairballs, but never her. Oh well, she seems ok now. Just gonna keep a close eye on her.

Anyway, I worked 7am - 7pm today. I ate better. Can’t believe that I’ve had trouble getting in enough calories this week! Obviously, the opposite is usually the problem.  Here’s my food for the day.

Saturday, August 16th

5:30 am - FiberOne Bar

10:00 am - large iced coffee, skim milk, one splenda

2:00 pm - Lean Cuisine Asian Style Potstickers

5:00 pm - fat free lemon yogurt with fresh blueberries

8:30 pm - Ham and Cheese Hot Pocket

                steamed, seasoned broccoli and carrots

Total calories: 1015

(small chance that I might eat a 100 calorie pack before bed)

Just took a break from typing. I talked to my man on the phone. It’s so hard. Someday I will tell you all the full story. Not ready for that yet. It’s heartbreaking for me. I won’t get to talk to him again until Monday. This sucks bad. How did my life get so complicated???

PS … does anyone know how to give a kitty the heimlich??? LOL

*** Update: I ate a 100 calorie pack of chocolate covered pretzels. Total calories: 1115

Oh my!!! Can’t believe I just posted these. Kinda wish I had “Before” pictures. The ones of my side are kinda weird looking because I was holding my arms in the air. I hate the ones from behind … not used to that view. Need to work on tightening up that ass!!! Overall though, I am pleased. I think that I’ve come a long way. Over ten pounds since June, which I think is significant when I wasnt exactly overweight to begin with. Not to say I wasn’t in the past …. I used to be over 150. But that was several years back, and I don’t like to think of those days. So, what does everyone think?

Keeping busy is all I can do to keep sane right now. I slept from 8:30 to 11:00 after my overnight shift. (Not nearly enough, but having trouble sleeping.) Then, I followed through with my plan of running on the beach. I ate some oatmeal on the 45 minute drive to the beach. I jogged for 52 minutes (the time it took to get to the end of the beach from where I parked, and back). Probably about 4 miles is my guess … I wasn’t going very fast. It felt good. Of course, I spent the entire time hating it like I always do, but it felt good when I was done. That’s pretty much my attitude about exercise … I hate every second of it, but it makes me feel so good about myself for the rest of the day. It worked out perfectly too … it started torrential downpouring ten minutes after I left the beach. Of course, I still got soaked running into the supermarket, but I wasn’t stuck running in it.

It’s 5pm, and I haven’t eaten anything but that oatmeal and some iced coffee. Sleeping, the trip to the beach, and grocery shopping has taken up my whole day. I think I’m just going to have a Lean Cuisine and maybe an apple for dinner. I’m still too sad to try and cook for myself.  I love cooking, but only because I love my man’s reaction when I make something he loves.

Ok … I’m getting sad thinking about it. Time to jump in the shower and make dinner. Working all weekend, but I’m sure I’ll write again at night. Nothing else to do all alone in the apartment ……….