OK … I am sooooo disgusted with myself that I think I am ready to get back on track again.

I went from 114 lbs to 132 lbs in about 5 or 6 weeks. That’s 18 lbs!!!!!

I don’t need to be 114 lbs. I really don’t. But I should be between 120 and 125 lbs. That’s where I feel my best. That’s where my clothes fit.

Now, I just feel icky. It came on way too fast.

I have been practicing disgusting eating habits for over a month, and it can’t continue. It just can’t. I swear, as soon as I stopped tracking my foods and using this site, I completely lost control. It’s like an alcoholic who stops going to AA. I need you guys. I need to check in.

When I lost my weight before, I wasn’t on a strict diet. I do not plan on trying a strict diet this time either. But I am going to try to eat healthier. I can’t eat half a pizza, a handful of Halloween candy, followed by cake and ice cream … every day!!! I can’t do that anymore. It makes me feel nasty!!! It makes me look nasty!!!

So, today is day one. I will go back to weighing in on Mondays like before. But I can tell you that the scale said 132 lbs today. The highest I have seen in MANY months.

Wish me luck!!!! I’m BBBBAAAAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!

I haven’t been on here in over a month. It’s been a crazy month. As far as the eating healthy, I COMPLETELY gave up. I’ve done nothing but eat for the past 5 weeks or so, and I’ve gained over ten pouds. 114 lbs was my lowest, and I’m back up to 127 or so. Maybe 114 was too low, but I feel gross at 127 lbs. Maybe because I don’t fit into my clothes anymore. I don’t know if I plan on getting back on track yet. I would like to say that I plan on starting right now, or even tomorrow, but that would be a lie. I just wanted to check into the site so that I didn’t lose it. I know they get deleted after a while if you don’t log in. And I do plan on coming back … when I am truly ready. Maybe soon.

By the way, Jay has been home since I stopped writing. He came home around the end of September, and things have been great between us. Better than ever.

I’ve gained a lot of weight, but I am really happy. Isn’t that was matters most???

I guess I lied in my last post.

I didn’t get it out of my system.

Almost a week later and I still can’t stop eating!!!!

I had another tragic thing happen yesterday. One of Jay’s childhood friends committed suicide. It was a shock. On the outside, he seemed like a happy, family man. No drugs. Not an alcoholic. Worked hard, seemed to have a happy marriage. Great family man … father of 3. And now he’s dead. WTF. I don’t get it. I don’t get why these things happen. I can’t process this right now. It’s too much to think about.

I had to go to the prison yesterday to break the news to Jay. We got a private visit in a private room. He was so upset. He was crying so hard, and I couldn’t hold him. I could hold his hands, but I wanted to put my arms around him and tell him everything is ok. But it’s not. Nothing is ok.

I think he’s coming home this week. Maybe coming home in the next 2 days. He doesnt deserve to be in there for owing $2000 dollars. This is all so fucked. I just want to get on with our lives.

I’ll post the article about our friend. It’s sad. Really sad. Tragic. WTF

I can’t believe how out of control I have been. After three and a half months of tracking what I eat on Daily Plate, I completely stopped ….. and my eating went WAY out of control. I have had a week long binge. That’s the only way to describe it.  Honestly, I probably ate between 2500 and 4000 calories a day for the past 7 days. I was eating everything in sight all day, every day. Maybe those calories are a bit of an exaggeration, but I don’t really know … I didn’t even “sort of” keep a count … I just didn’t care.

I think the NO APPETITE reaction to missing Jay turned into FOOD FOR COMFORT reaction to missing Jay. And you know what??? I feel worse than ever!

But that’s okay … I am back in the game. I logged onto the Daily Plate today and started tracking my food again (even the Dunkin Donuts Bow-Tie that started my day). I CAN NOT gain back all of my weight. I can’t do it. I hated my body back then. I actually kind of like it now. I feel like I finally fit into my own skin. But not this week … this week I just feel disgusting.

Not sure what the damage will be on the scale. I’ll do my official weigh-in on Monday. I was 117.5 lbs last time. I’m hoping that I am no more than 120.0 lbs on Monday. That’s where I want to be … that’s where I want to stay.

As far as my other goal … the cleaning/organizing for 45 hours in September … well, I kind of blew that off too. I mean, I haven’t made any big messes, but I haven’t done anything extra either. Unless you count the work-out I had putting new slipcovers onto my couches last week. And putting a bunch of photos in frames. I suppose that counts towards “organizing”. I’ll have to look back to my last post, but I think that I am at about 20 hours towards my goal right now. Maybe more tonight after I visit Jay.

Speaking of Jay, fabulous news. He should be home by the end of next week if all goes well. Someone has to do a home visit next week to make sure that the apartment is an acceptable place for him to go (of course it is … I keep this place very nice!). Then, they send him home. Simple as that, I think. Can’t wait.

Oh yeah … one more thing. I dyed my hair last night. It was way too blonde last night so I picked out a color that looked like a light to medium brown. Nothing to exteme. I actually told my friend I was afraid it was going to be too boring. Ummmm ….. not quite how it worked out!!!! It is SOOOOOO dark! Extremely dark. Jay’s gonna die tonight when he sees me. He likes me blonde … Oops … oh well!!! I haven’t decided how I feel about it yet … maybe once it fades a little. It will fade … right????? LOL   Oh well. I’ll put some pictures. You guys can decide what you like better.

I ate so bad yesterday … I can’t even talk about it!!!! Yuck!!!

Why do I lose control and EAT EAT EAT????

Last night, I knew I was going to drink. I accepted that there would be alcohol calories. No problem. I planned that.

So, Christine and I were out at the bar, and she looks at a menu. I didn’t want anything. No problem. Didn’t even consider it. She picks a salad (which I still don’t see how it was actually called a salad cuz it was a million calories) and when she ordered, mentioned something about me having some too. The bartender took that to mean that he should put it in two bowls. Basically, since he knows me, he hooked us up with TWO big salads. A little bit of lettuce, TONS of feta cheese, walnuts, dried cranberries, pear slices, tomatos. It was absolutely the yummiest “salad” I have ever had. I wouldn’t have had any, but I couldn’t pass up the bowl right in front of me. I ate every bite, covered with white zinfandel dressing. That, along with about 1000 alcohol calories, was not a good night. I had an ok time though. Not great, but fun enough.

Then, today I started right. I had a FiberOne granola bar with an apple. Then, Christine and I went to get coffee. No problems there. But she wanted to stop at the cafe next door to get a sandwich to take home. No problems there. I wasn’t interested, and I didn’t order anything. We go home .. she eats half … offers me some and I say no thanks. Still no problem. Then she takes off and leaves half the sandwich in my fridge. BIG PROBLEM! I chowed it. And even though it was half, it was big. Chicken salad with cranberries and cheese and walnuts. It was delicious. But I didn’t even stop there. I ate a bunch of cocktail peanuts … handfuls of them. I couldn’t stop. I actually came on here to stop myself.

I think that I am ok now. Maybe a 40 calorie Sugar Free fudgsicle, but that’s it.

I am dreading this Monday weigh-in. I feel like old habits are creeping back in a big way. I’ve had soooo many slips this past week. I am trying to maintain my weight, not lose any, so in my head I am rationalizing these slip-ups as ok. But if I keep going like this, I’ll end up right where I started. Gotta get back on track.

Maybe I’ll do some cleaning to keep busy.

Nah …. I am exhausted. I am going to lie around and watch TV for a while, then I’ll do something active later. I deserve a rest. I worked hard yesterday.

I’m up to 17 1/2 hours of cleaning/organizing this month. Last night, I tackled out linen/medicine/everything else closet. I had no idea how much crap was in there. Today, I kept busy cleaning a little bit of everything. Junk drawers, polishing wood, etc. I can’t believe how much stuff I have thrown out. It feels good!!!

I’ve eaten great so far.

• Apple
• large iced coffee with skim milk and splenda
• Healthy Choice Sweet and Sour Chicken meal
• turkey sandwich on white roll

I plan on having a snack right now. Maybe a sugar-free fudgsicle.

Then, I am going to start to get ready for a night out. It will involve drinking alcohol. There go my calories for the day! I don’t care. I’ve been looking forward to tonight. But I do feel a tiny bit guilty. I was talking to Jay on the phone, and I originally told him that I was going to share a bottle of wine at my friend Christine’s house tonight. Today, I admitted to him that Christine and I are actually going out with some guys. Friends. Nothing sketchy. But it is a guy that I used to hang out with before I met Jay, and that I haven’t seen much since then. We both know this guy has always had a crush on me, so I guess I feel like it’s a little wrong of me to go out with him without Jay. But I have no interest in him in that way. I know Jay knows that, but I could tell he was kind of hurt when I told him. He told me to have fun, and he acted ok about it, but I know that it made him sad. I wish he could come too. I miss him so much.

Oh yeah … I went to visit my cousin’s new baby yesterday. So cute. It really gets my biological clock ticking … actually, it’s been ticking pretty loud for a while now. I’m just not in the right place in my life for that right now. Soon maybe. But not yet. I guess I will have to borrow my cousin’s baby!

Still eating too much this week. Today will be better. Lately, days off have actually been better than work days, and I have a stretch of days off right now.

Going to hospital to meet my cousin’s new baby today. I am excited. Love babies! And, I’m very close to my cousin. I was pissed I had to work all day yesterday and couldn’t visit the day he was born.

Then, I get to go visit Jay tonight. We got some good news this week. He should be home by the end of September. As soon as a week from now. MUCH sooner than we thought. I am so greatful to have him home soon. I miss him so much, and I am ready to snuggle with my man again. He will have restrictions for a long time. Probably a curfew. But having him home is worth it. This whole case is such bullshit anyways. He’s a great guy who owed money from his past. All this for $2000 that he couldn’t afford. It’s ridiculous.

Anyway, just wanted to update. I NEED an iced coffee, and my cat is not letting me type anyways. She keeps lying across the keyboard for attention! Have a great day!!!

Seriously .. why do people have to keep bringing yummy food into work?

• FiberOne Bar
• iced coffee w/skim milk and splenda
• panera bread cinnamon crunch bagel
• healthy choice chicken parm
• sugar-free pudding cup
• banana
• 2 slices peanut butter toast
• apple
• turkey burger
• sugar-free fudgsicle

Calorie total: 2181 

HORRIBLE!!!!!  My calories yesterday were 986. Why am I all over the place? Too many … too little. Way too much today though. Gross!!! Oink Oink!!!

I cleaned for 2 hours. That brings my Septmeber total up to 11 hours. Only 34 hours left this month to make my cleaning/organizing goal. The place is looking great!

So far, I have eaten:

• LiveActive granola bar
• large iced coffee with skim milk and splenda
• turkey on white roll with mustard
• apple
• Healthy Choice lemon pepper fish
• sugar-free rice pudding cup

Calories: 906 calories …. kind of low, but I plan on eating more … maybe yogurt with fresh berries

I am addicted to this blogging. It’s my first, and I love writing on it. It wouldn’t even matter if no one was there to read it. It makes me feel better. It’s like a diary … and I was never one to keep up with a diary. I guess typing is more convenient. And …. this is the first time I have ever reached my weight-loss goal after years of trying. I guess it works!!! Thanks again everyone!!! 

I don’t know how I did it! I’m not trying to lose weight anymore. I was too low on calories for a few days, but I also overate a few days. BUT …..

I lost TWO pounds. WHAT????           117.5 lbs !!!!!

Really not trying to lose though. But what can I say …. it still feels good to see the numbers go down, even if I don’t need them to. I’ve spent my whole life trying to make the numbers go down …. it’s not something I can stop cold turkey. I think that the 115 to 125 range is good for me. As long as I can stay in that range, I’m ok!

You know what sucks though?? NONE of my clothes fit. Even all the clothes I bought this spring/summer are way too big. And I don’t have money to buy more. Just have to settle with tightening up the belts for awhile. (and I really have always hated wearing belts). Better too big than too small, I guess.

Ok … have tons to do today. Gotta go.

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Update:

I ended up doing a little bit of shopping today. SALES only!!! I can’t buy a whole new wardrobe for every size. I really have clothes in every size from Size 12 down to Size 1. YES …. I bought size 1/2 today. I tried on the 3/4, and they were too big. WHAT??? I still can’t get over it. Those were khakis. The jeans I bought at the same store were 3/4. I also bought 3 DKNY extra-small T-shirts that were 75% off. Then, I picked up some new scrubs … 2 pairs of pants and 1 top. They were super cheap!

• 1 pair jeans
• 1 pair khaki pants
• 3 DKNY tops
• 2 scrub bottoms
• 1 scrub top

TOTAL PRICE: $85   ….. GREAT DEALS!!!   I mean, a scrubs outfit is usually $40-something dollars. And the DKNY tops were originally almost $40 each. I am excited for new clothes that actually fit!!!

I also went food shopping and got tons of healthy food. I actually enjoy not having to worry about buying food for Jay anymore because I can stick to healthy options only .. and it’s cheaper!!!

Ok …. just wanted to update. Gotta do some cleaning. Later!!!

 Me and my Dad. April 2008

I can’t stop eating!

I worked all day today … and I ate all day.

5:30am - banana and FiberOne bar

10:00am - peanut butter toast and nonfat yogurt

1:00pm - SmartOnes ravioli florentine

               100 calorie pack hershey snacksters

               apple

5:00pm - oatmeal

7:30pm- jelly donut

              apple

8:30pm - turkey sandwich with mustard

now - 100 calorie ice cream bar

SEE???? Out of control!!!!!

Calories: 1755  … ok … so it could be worse. But, I didn’t tell you about yesterday yet. Today was the good day.

Yesterday involved going to the aquarium and out to lunch with my friend and the kids she babysits.  I had a Friendly’s grilled cheese sndwich with ceasar salad. Then, I went out to dinner with my Dad. I tried to make a somewhat healthy choice, but it really wasn’t. Could have been worse given my choices, but it was still bad. Chicken piccata. Sooooo yummy though. Two glasses of merlot to wash it down. Later, ended up at the bar where I had a few beers and one shot. I had guys all over me offering to buy me drinks. I didn’t pay for a single thing last night … and I told them all that I had a boyfriend so no guilty feelings. Am I more attractive now that I’ve lost weight??? More confident? Combination of both?? I’m not used to going out with my boyfriend. It’s nice to get the attention from guys, but I miss him so much. Would rather have him with me. Anyway,  total calories yesterday was 2699. BAD!!! I can be such a pig!!

Hope you are all doing better than I am this weekend. Hopefully I’ll get back on track. Don’t want to regain all my weight. That would be dreadful!!!

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Update: I didn’t eat one Slim-a-Bear 100 calorie ice cream bar. I ate TWO. The a ton of green grapes. I’m hopeless!!!

Today’s Calories: 1325

Cleaning/Organizing Hours so far this month: 9  (I just scrubbed out inside of fridge … yeah, it’s midnight and I am cleaning .. overnight shifts really screw me up all week!)

My Dad just called. We’re going out to dinner tomorrow night, and then stopping at the American Legion for a couple beers. Might be a high-cal day, but I’ll be good over the weekend cuz I’m working.

Goodnight all!!

Ok … I have a couple little questions for all of you. What foods could you not live without on your weight-loss journey? What foods keep you on plan? Here’s my list:

• large iced coffee with skim milk and one splenda
• apples … lots of apples
• FiberOne granola bars
• FiberOne cereal with fresh blueberries and skim milk
• nonfat yogurt
• 100 calorie pack chocolate covered pretzels
• oatmeal
• SmartOnes/ Lean Cuisine frozen meals (ideal meal at work)
• sugar-free chocolate pudding cups

Those are the foods that I eat on a daily basis. Some of them everyday (iced coffee and apples!!) They are foods I enjoy that keep me from binging. Of course, I eat veggies and actually cook meals too, but these are my diet staples. I’m curious to hear what all of your stand-by foods are. Maybe I’ll get some good ideas to add to my rotation.

Okay … survey question #2:

How many hours a week do you spend cleaning/organzing your house?

As I mentioned, my goal for this month is to get house super-clean/organized. I’m trying for 45 hours in 30 days. But what is normal? Are all of you cleaning that much anyway? My house isn’t a big mess usually, but I am definitely not spending even an hour every single day cleaning. How about all of you???

Ok … gotta go pee. (too much info????)  Too much water and iced coffee.

Check out my photo page … I finally got it to show up on my page. There aren’t any new ones, but I have all the pics I’ve posted online so far.