Committed

What happened to the Random Blog link feature?  Am I the only one missing this?

Tomorrow is my day of weighing in. I really really really hope I lost weight this week. I know I’m only two weeks in, but I’m pinning so much hope on to my results this week. After losing weight last week for the first time in months, I was so happy to even know that it is still possible for me to lose weight. I had lost hope completely for so long. If I don’t lose weight this week I’m afraid I’ll lose hope again and slip back into my old habits of binging at night.

Last week I lost weight a little bit each day for a total of 3.4 pounds by the time the week ended. from 207.6 to 204.2. I did not want to weigh myself each day this week like I did last week, because its pretty emotional. I did not want to go through the ups and downs like that again.

This week I have a few things against me. I am showing signs of PMS, which usually means I gain a couple of pounds. I also ate huge portions for dinner on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. And, I’ve been snacking a lot (possibly from the PMS).

Fingers are crossed!!!

Its been a while since I have posted any entries here. But I am back. Its been a rough few weeks. Between school & work, I got really stressed last month and gained 7 pounds in less than a month.

It was a fairly steady gain that I saw happening. I knew I was contributing to the problem, but I did not want to admit it. I did not want to have to think about it. I kept thinking the scale would go back down on its own, at least a few pounds.

Then the scale settled at 207.6 this past weekend. The cloud of denial faded and I was hit with a tsunami of regret. I started obsessing about it, thinking about how disgusting I am. How I don’t deserve good things in life. I was humiliated. Wondered how anyone could love me. I moved on to thinking about counting calories and meticulous food menus. I was sad, angry, and anxious. I wanted it to be gone NOW because the feeling was unbearable.

And then I was exhausted by it all and gave up hope. I’ll admit, a part of me was ready to accept that I’d be fat forever and to just get used to the idea and enjoy the food.

I don’t know what changed, but it got better the next day. I started eating smart portions of really healthy food. And I stopped eating at night. I don’t want to jinx it, but its going ok. It was intuitive. I really want this effortlessness to last. I’ve already dropped over 2 pounds so far this week.
Best of all I feel back in control.

The job change and addition of school has been more stressful than I expected.  Its a good stress, but stress nonetheless.  In the last two weeks I’ve been eating in a way that makes me wonder if I’m crazy.  It reminds me that food is my crutch through stressful times.  And my stabilizer.  And my distraction.  And my comfort.  And my most loyal friend.

I am convinced that I’ll need to get a handle on this eventually, but for some reason I’m just not ready to devote any time to planning and preparation.  In the interim I’m just trying to “do my best” to keep from totally going off the deep end and gaining even more than I’ve already gained.  I think I’m up to something like 7 pounds gained so far since this time last month.  SEVEN!!  Geez.

Anyway, if some opportunity to turn my life upsidedown comes up again, please remind me of this post so that I can prepare myself for the potential for compulsive binges.

So for now, I’m just going to try to do the best I can to stick to foods I know are healthy, and not worry too much about portion sizes for a couple of weeks. Once things settle down a bit I’ll make some menus and start back into my cooking routines.

Oh, and I’m going to try to ease up on the coffee.  I’ve been having like 10 espressos a day for getting on 3 weeks now.  Its not helping!!

I ate the ice cream (see yesterday’s post below). But today I’m back in business - no more junk!!

Does anyone have any suggestions about how you successfully work occasional indulgences into your healthy lifestyle? I don’t want to deprive myself, but I seem to be either fully “on” (eating 100% healthy) or fully “off” (Binge City!), with no ability to be in between.

That is how many pounds I’ve gained in like a month.

Lets see, how could this have happened…?  Maybe it was the Ben & Jerry’s last night, or the 14-inch long calzone I had for lunch on Tuesday.  Or, it could have been the sushi feast I had a couple of days ago.  When I think about each day, its like I’ve been eating as if it is my last day on this planet.  What gives??

I know I’m under stress.  I started grad school this week, and that opened a huge emotional can of worms.  It brought up all my past wounds about school & college, as well as fears about doing well academically and fitting in socially.  That explains the pizza - I was seeking comfort.  I also finished my sucky job last week to start my good job next week.  I’m a little bit afraid, but mostly just happy about that.  That explains all the sweets - its a celebration!

I know what I need to do.  I’ll drop half this weight in a week if I just get back on the program!  I need to put together a solid plan, and do some prep cooking tomorrow so I’ll have healthy foods at hand.

On another note, I’m so excited to be starting this new job next week.  It is my dream job!  Close to home, it pays well, and it is doing exactly what I’ve always wanted to do.  Yay!!

So what do I do with the leftover ice cream in the freezer?  Seems like such a waste to toss it out.  Maybe one final hurrah would help me to feel closure.  Or would I just be feeding the devil inside?  Hrm….

I started grad school last night.  It was fun, but I’m terrified.  If I take one class at a time it will be almost 2013 by the time I’m done.  I don’t know if this is worth it.

I loved this show and I just learned that we’re in for more after rumors that the show had been permanently cancelled.  Yay!

On a totally separate topic, I am interested that the media is all abuzz that keeping a detailed food journal is key to weight loss.  Funny, all of us in the 3fc community already knew that.

Sort of ironic, though, how even though I KNOW this to be true I still don’t maintain a food journal.

I got a new job!  More money, better title & closer to home.  Could not be better.  And the timing is great too, as things suck as much as ever at my current job.  Now I just have to endure the pain of the 2-week notice period, and it will be o.v.e.r!

I had a long talk with a colleague who was my original manager when I joined the company.  She confirmed that I’m not the insane one, and that things really are whacky with the company and also with all of the new managers they’ve hired (specifically the one I report to).

It took a lot of the pressure off, because once I could accept that it was not about me and there was really not much I could do to fix it, I now feel free to just sit back, do the job they want me to do, and collect my paycheck.  So that is still not ideal, but its better.

And then that same colleague who comforted me got so frustrated herself that she quit last week.  So now I feel a bit saner, but its totally lonely without this friend and coworker around.  Nobody else ‘gets’ me.

I’m still looking for a new job - something that will work better longer term.  I have one possibility right now, but not much else.  The economy is a killer.  And, the opportunity from back in April did not work out obviously, but I think it was for the best.