Committed

After seeing some intriguing commercials, I decided to check out High School Confidential, a new reality show on WE-TV and I like it a lot.

It is more of a documentary-series than a reality show. Camera crews followed several different girls throughout their 4-year high school career in a small town in Kansas. Show creators then pieced together the footage to spotlight all four years for two or three girls on each episode.

They also highlight a couple of the high and low points for each person - some very great highs and some very low lows. Some of the things the girls struggled with included illness, death, teen pregnancy, depression, eating disorders, and much more. Very heavy!!! The show somehow manages to present the issues in a “light” way so it doesn’t get too depressing, which I actually think is a good thing considering how difficult these issues can be.

The bottom line is that I really love this show. Having said that, I don’t think you can appreciate this show 5 years out of high school. But I do think that if you have more than 10-20 years out of school or if you have a teenage daughter in school that this show will really move you.

Adolescence was a terrible time for me. Sometimes my mind glosses it over with memories of parties and trips to the beach, but it really was awful. I didn’t know who I was, or who my friends were. I didn’t even know what it meant to be a friend or receive friendship. I was totally lost about boys, and confused sex with love. I was invisible to my parents, and got poor grades. I smoked, drank and did drugs. Worst of all, I was picked on, and in turn I picked on other kids twofold. Things definitely got better in my 20s, but its tough to think about even now.

Watching this show brings it all back. Its painful to remember, but it is also healing. It reminds me that I was not alone in my pain, and that I need to right what I can and forgive myself for the rest.

Who knows - maybe if I get rid of this emotional baggage I will stop trying to eat it away………?

Today at work I learned that I may lose my job next week.

Its taking all I have to not eat the ice cream my husband bought last weekend. Mind-demons working overtime: “Its OK.  Just have some.  You know you want it.  You need comfort.  Just this once.  You know you can stop after just one bowl. You can get back on the wagon tomorrow.”

 Stay away from the sugar.    Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.  Stay away from the sugar.

I see so many bloggers on 3fc who are so great about calorie counting and documenting their daily food diaries. It seems like people who can get this habit down pat will have generally better results with weight loss. The experts would likely agree - I have seen listed this as a key ingredient of diet success with almost every diet plan I’ve read over the last 15 years.

I have also done this myself in the past, and it does work, especially when paired with lots of planning ahead.

BUT, for some reason it just doesn’t appeal to me. It seems that recently (last few years), when I count calories and keep a detailed food journal, it actually triggers me to overeat and even binge!

Does that happen to anyone else?

So we have house guests this weekend through tomorrow. My husband’s old college roommate and his wife. They arrived yesterday. Lots of fun, right? No, definitely not fun.

It turns out the wife is a complete basket case with a serious drug and alcohol problem. Oh, and a really bad case of bulimia. I am barely hanging in there until they leave.

I always suspected she was a little off, but there was always some explanation for the belligerence and slurring (on meds for surgery, drinking more than normal because of being on vacation, etc). But last night went down in the record books. Lots of slurring, stumbling, profanity, and general nonsense. We didn’t even have any alcohol with dinner.

Oh, and this morning I noticed a large amount of food missing, which is weird because my husband was up until 1am, and I was up at 7am. Any late night snacks would have been literally in the middle of the night.

I know that it sounds like I’m horribly insensitive or even that I’m making a bad joke, but I”m not. Call me paranoid, but I am genuinely concerned having someone this emotionally unstable sleeping in my home.  I will be glad when they are gone.

I’m going on my 6th day of runny nose, itchy eyes & throat, congestion and cough.  I will admit, this day is probably the best so far - the cough is not as bad, the sore throat is gone, and my nose is finally starting to dry up.  But I’m still not myself, and I’m really sick of being sick.  I want to get on the treadmill, maybe do some housework, and I’m dying to get back to my cooking!  I’ve been a total couch potato all week and all the TV-watching is making me nuts!!

I’m so glad I didn’t get the junk food from the drug store.  The only good side effect of being sick is that I’ve lost 3 pounds, and I doubt that would have happened if I’d binged on cadbury eggs and jelly beans.  I realize I may gain it back once I get back on a regular eating schedule, but its just nice to see a lower number on the scale, however temporary it may be.

There is a new magazine out that I spotted at the salon a couple weeks back, and could not put it down: Clean Eating.

I don’t usually read magazines cover to cover, but this one was awesome. It was not like so many other magazines I’ve tried (Cooking Light, Sunset, Living, Food, etc) where I can pick out a few that might work for me among dozens I would never try.

It had so many wonderful recipes, and all of them were oriented toward health, organics and sustainable living. Lots of gluten free and vegan options, all very realistic for great taste, families with picky children, and anyone with limited time.

It was so good, I was trying to think of ways I could discreetly sneak it out of the salon without anyone noticing. I opted not to steal, and instead immediately went home and subscribed for 2 years! I haven’t received my first issue yet, but I”m so excited!! You gotta try it!!!

I have been sick all week. Headache, sore throat, coughing, congestion. :-(  Normally my blog posts are limited to evenings and weekends, but since I’m home from work and couch-bound and bored, here I am!

When I was at the pharmacy to pick up the meds my doctor prescribed I could not help but notice all the Easter candy, some old favorites in particular - Cadbury Eggs, Reese’s peanut butter cups (egg-shaped, and about quadruple the size of a normal peanut butter cup), and jelly beans!!!  I could hear my inner child whispering, I neeeed some candy to feel better.  Its ok because I’m sick and I need comfort.  Just get some.  Just this once.  This one time.  Please???  

I’m not sure how, but I somehow managed to get out of there without buying candy.

All I can say is thank goodness for giant batches of Garden Harvest soup. I had a large batch in the freezer, and I quickly made some once I returned home.  Now its all I want to eat. It has managed to soothe my throat and brought me the emotional comfort I craved.  I don’t know what I’ll do when I run out of it later today!!

Also, through the miracle of the internet, I found a homeopathic remedy for sore throat - hot water, tobasco sauce and honey. It is suprisingly soothing and I find myself enjoying it, and its more effective than the prescription Lidocaine gargle my doctor prescribed.  Maybe next time I become ill I will crave a Tobasco-Lemon cocktail instead of Cadbury Eggs.

Tonight I got home from work after a rotten day and turned to what is becoming a new favorite comfort food: Garden Harvest Soup, made entirely from fresh vegetables. After a giant bowl of soup, I dug into a giant batch of strawberries that I cleaned and cut last night. Yum! And then - surprise!- I was full and actually stopped eating!

Having such a wholesome and (believe it or not) light meal was a sharp contrast to my usual evening foodfest. Something about coming home at night after a long day puts me into binge-mode. Its the time of day when guard is down, and all of my judgement goes out the window.

Its funny because I really do know better.  Most diet plans will tell you to stop eating a few hours before bedtime.  I always thought this was because for folks like myself, nighttime snacking tends to go on and on and on.  Just last Thursday, I probably consumed 500 “extra” calories that I forgot to track in my food journal. Other dieters say we should stop eating at night due to the body’s slower metabolic rate while sleeping.  I’m sure some others would say both!

Whatever the best reason is to stop eating at night, it has been a tough one for me to master.  Of all of the lifestyle changes I have on my “to do” list, this one has been the most difficult.  BUT, I will keep at it!

I was really disappointed to learn that the Lifetime show How To Look Good Naked was canceled after only a few episodes. I don’t know if any of you saw it, but it was hosted by Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and it was GREAT!!!

Carson would meet up with women whose self esteems and body images were in the dumps, and would help them to feel better about themselves and their bodies. Each guest went through a series of activities, and then by the time the show ended the women had a completely different take on their body image.

At different times in the show, Carson would project a billboard sized photo of the guest (from the neck down) onto the side of a building in NYC and would ask passers-by what they thought. Usually, even with the largest women, the comments were focused on the positive: “Nice rack!” “Great legs!” “Nice curves!” Of course the guests’ objections to receiving compliments were always the same: “You edited out the footage of people who said I was fat and ugly.” By final day of filming, these same women were posing nearly nude in pin-up style photo shoots!!

It was very emotional and sad at times, but also very relate-able!! What woman hasn’t hated her body at one time or another?? Don’t we all deserve love and kindness from ourselves and others, regardless of our size? Just watching this show made me feel better about myself - naturally I want to watch more of something that makes me feel good!!

So now I wonder… Why cancel something that makes people feel good? The short answer is that I don’t think this show makes everyone feel good. Anytime we start talking about self-acceptance, people confuse that with enjoying being fat. As if accepting our bodies will suddenly make us not care how we look or feel physically.

One article I read which was critiquing the show took the stance that it is irresponsible to encourage overweight women to tell themselves that they are beautiful every day in the mirror. The author cited statistics about diabetes and obesity, and believes that self-acceptance is promoting bad eating habits.

Help me understand - I don’t see how feeling beautiful would discourage someone from wanting to be healthy. I can see it now - tomorrow morning, I will stand naked in front of the mirror telling myself I am beautiful. It will be such an inspiring and wonderful experience that I will immediately run out to McDonalds for a burger and fries to celebrate!!

In case it wasn’t obvious, I would like to say that I can’t disagree more with this kind of thinking. Self-acceptance and self-esteem should not be confused with complacency. If someone loves herself, she’s more likely to take good care of her health. She’s also more likely to be a better wife, employee, lover, parent, friend, grandparent, community member, etc., if she feels good about herself overall.

Plus, I don’t totally buy it that weight, in and of itself, is the cause of obesity-related illness such as diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. Because weight is a symptom of poor diet and lack of exercise, it is often assumed that all overweight people will have an equally greater susceptibility to these diseases. However, it is more likely that a predisposition to obesity-related health problems is due to poor eating habits, regardless of actual weight: lots of refined carbs, high in saturated and trans fats, etc.

I suspect a show like How to Look Good Naked pushes the buttons of viewers who don’t want to let go of their fat-hate and fat-phobia. If you’ve ever met an anorexic or bulimic person, you know that obsession with fat and food can be truly addicting. And while not everyone has a full blown eating disorder, many of us routinely walk the fine line between vigilance and obsession.

I have been guilty of this in the past: I will punish, deprive, and abuse myself until I achieve perfection! Get moving you disgusting fat slob, spring break in Cancun is waiting for your hot self! Like me, you may have been working at this for 5, 10 or even 20 years, hoping the emotional-beatings would sink in eventually. I hate to spoil the surprise ending for you, but guess what - it doesn’t work!

Life is way too short to waste it with so much focus on looking thin. As a society, we’re much better off encouraging healthy habits as a means to optimum health, better quality of life and longevity rather than as a way to achieve unrealistic standards of beauty.

Lets not forget that there are entire industries that thrive when women hate themselves - pharmaceutical companies, book publishers, weight loss centers, plastic surgeons, cosmetic companies and more! Will we buy their $50 cellulite cream and $150 diet pills if we are happy with ourselves? Not me!