Committed

In a psych class I took in college, we were discussing addiction when someone asked our professor (a seasoned therapist with a PhD) a very interesting question.

The question was: Why is it so hard for people to change? In other words, if someone knows they have an addiction problem, and they have done all the therapy, the mental and emotional work, the 12-step meetings, and they have all the tools for success - how come they still don’t change?

His answer: Grief. Grief for all the years gone. Wasted. Donated to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc., at the cost of friends, family, jobs, kids… Worst of all is the loss of self.

This stuck with me over the years. There is a lot of addiction in my family - grandparents, parents, brothers, sisters, in-laws. Could it really be possible that someone chooses the destructive status quo over positive change in order to avoid an emotion, albeit a virtually unbearable one? I was skeptical - at least back then.

Recently I remembered this and I wondered how this could be applied to compulsive eaters like myself. We not only grieve the loss of our former healthy selves, but we also grieve lost time - days, months, years, decades, lifetimes - the same way the crack or heroine addict does. And then we eat to temporarily numb it all, which leads to more grief. Are we on the same proverbial treadmill - eating to supress feelings, thereby causing more feelings to supress, and so on?

I wish I had the answer.

Its been a while. I hope everyone is doing well.

Since my last entry in September, I’ve had trouble staying on the wagon. After my birthday in August, I just could not get back on track. I should have seen that as proof of the power sugar has over me, but apparently I was in so deep I wasn’t able to think clearly. Then, I started a new job with a monster commute. I continued to derail, and began having peanut m-n-m’s for lunch. I don’t even need to mention Halloween - it goes without saying that it was disastrous.

I gained 5 pounds in 2 months. You might think what I thought: 5 pounds is not a huge deal. But when I think about how long it took to lose that 5 pounds - probably 4 months! - it breaks my heart. I can only hope that it will not take another 4 months to lose it again.

So here I am, and the holidays are upon us. I needed to recenter and I remembered how much this community helped me before. To commemorate my official return to the FatChicks blog community, I’ve posted my food journal for today below. Yikes, and I thought it was a good day because I avoided sugar and refined flour. All I can say is that its good to be accountable and its even better to be back!

Breakfast
Whole Wheat Bagel
Soy Latte

Mid-Morning
Non-fat Latte

Lunch
6 California Rolls
6 mini-tuna rolls

Afternoon
Whole Wheat bagel
black coffee

Dinner
Brussel Sprouts
Whole Wheat crackers
TJ’s vegetarian chili with 2 small whole wheat tortillas, mozzarella cheese & sour cream