Committed

 I started reading a book about compulsive eating this week.  Its not a book so much as its a workbook.  Books that require work don’t usually hold my interest but I continue to buy them for some reason!  So far the focus seems to be more on how I handle uncomfortable emotions than what I put in my mouth.  I did a “pre-assessment” and, for the most part, I get pretty wrecked by the simplest emotions.  That would explain a lot!!  I’ll keep you all posted as I go along and make progress with this book. 

This week’s food journal, in reverse order.  It was a very tough week after falling ill on Tuesday night.  I weighed in at 198.6, which is a net loss of 0.40 pounds.  I would have expected more weight loss after a week like this, but I am not going to focus on that.  I’m just glad for any weight loss and even gladder (is that a word?) that I’m feeling back to normal after being so sick. 

Saturday:   Back to normal (and then some!)

Breakfast:  Cereal w/ soy milk & 2 soy lattes
Lunch:  Panera - asian chicken salad, black bean soup, and whole grain baguette.  I also ate half of my husband’s regular white bread baguette. 
Dinner:  blueberry bagel w/ butter
Dessert:  bowl of cereal w/ soy milk

Friday:  My appetite started to come back, but once again my eyes were bigger than my stomach could handle.  I definitely got a sweet tooth (PMS I later figured out) and I was so hungry from 3 days of eating lite that I just let myself have whatever I could stomach (which led to snacking on chocolate by day, and overeating by night). 

Breakfast:  1 soy latte, 1 nonfat latte, a few bites of cereal w/ soy milk 
Lunch:  TJs Minestrone soup, a few mini reeces cups
Snacks:  a bite of a granola bar, a small bag of graham crackers, and a few more mini reeces cups
Dinner:  Started out with white rice with vinaigrette, and I was able to eat that and still be hungry so I graduated to a blueberry bagel with butter.  My appetite was really starting to come back so I eventually ate some leftover lasagna but that was a mistake and my stomach hurt for hours because of it. 

Thursday:

I felt well enough to go to work today.  I was able to drink my 2 daily lattes without much of a problem.  It was a good sign that made me hopeful!  I was super hungry.  But each time I tried to eat food it felt like iron gates were closing in my esophagus.  I was able to eat some dry cereal, a few bites of lasagna, and some bread.   I suppose this is one way to lose weight…..

Wednesday:

Food poisoning?  Stomach flu?  Not sure, but it came on Tuesday after dinner.  I had one of the worst nights of my life.  Wednesday was not much better:  chills, sweats, muscle pains….

 Wednesday I choked down what I could.   Tried to drink some coffee in the morning.  Had some toast midday.  I ate some dry cereal in the evening.  By bedtime I was starving so I had a bagel.  Its probably been 8-9 months since I ate a bagel.  I ate it fast - it tasted good and was a totally awesome “comfort food” experience.  But the satisfaction was short lived and was immediately followed by really bad indigestion. 

Tuesday:

Breakfast:  Nonfat latte and cereal with soy milk
Mid-morning snack:  nonfat latte
Lunch:  Tuna sandwich and strawberries
Dinner:  Leftover chicken & rice 

Monday:

Breakfast:  Organic flakes cereal w/ soy milk & soy latte
Lunch:  nonfat latte,  deli salad & strawberries
Snacks:  2 bags of south beach crackers and 2 peices of string cheese
Dinner:  too much (!) moroccan chicken with rice

Sunday:

Breakfast:  shredded wheat cereal w/ soy milk & 2 soy lattes
Lunch:  Panera strawberry & chicken poppyseed salad w/ half tuna sandwich and a whole wheat baguette
Snack:  tortilla chips with cottage cheese & salsa
Dinner:  Vegetarian chili w/ brown rice, mozzarella cheese, and sour cream
Dessert:  bowl of cereal w/ soy milk

This week has been an absolute disaster.  I can’t seem to get back on track.  Despite my greatest fears that I would gain, I stayed the same as last week at 199.0. 

I decided it might be equally effective and yet also less painful to post my food journal once a week instead of daily. 

Saturday 8/18/07

Breakfast:  2 Soy Lattes & Shredded wheat cereal
Snacks:  another latte
Lunch (afternoon grazing):  2 bowls of rice flavored with salad dressing, cottage cheese, a handful of chips & salsa
Dinner:  a couple slices of pizza and a nonfat latte
Dessert:  cereal w/ soymilk

Friday 8/17/07

Breakfast:  shredded wheat cereal w/ soy milk, soy latte
Snacks:  strawberries & a nonfat latte
Lunch:  tostada salad from a Mexican restaurant and a few chips
Snacks:  wheat crackers & 2 peices of string cheese
Dinner:  10-peice Sushi dinner w/ salad, miso soup, and rice

Thursday 8/16/07

Breakfast:  shredded wheat cereal w/ soy milk & soy latte
Snack:  NF latte
Lunch:  A few spoonfuls of CPK Bean Soup, and half a Cobb salad (w/ vinaigrette and no cheese)
Snack:  Strawberries
Dinner:  Vegetarian chili w/ brown rice

Wednesday 8/15/07

Breakfast:  shredded wheat cereal w/ soy milk and a soy latte
Snack(s): wheat crackers, cherries, NF latte
Lunch:  Cobb salad (w/o blue cheese) and thousand island dressing
Dinner:  vegetarian chili w/ brown rice
Dessert:  bowl of pumpkin flax cereal w/ soy milk

Tuesday 8/14:

Breakfast:  2 soy lattes, organic flakes cereal w/ soy milk
Lunch:  Whole Foods Frozen Butter Chicken, whole wheat crackers
Snack(s):  2 string cheese sticks, a bowl of cherries, few handfuls of grapes, and a plum
Dinner

So yesterday kinda sucked but today was better. 

Sunday:
Breakfast:  bowl of cereal w/ soymilk & 2 soy lattes
Lunch:  Tofu Thai Curry with brown rice
Snack(s):  small Jamba Juice & 2 peices of string cheese
Dinner:  bowl of rice 
Dessert: bowl of cereal

Monday (today):
Breakfast:  shredded wheat cereal w/ soymilk & 2 soy lattes
Lunch:  cobb salad w/ thousand island dressing
Snack(s):  wheat crackers, 2 peices string cheese
Dinner:  2 enchiladas (w/ whole wheat tortillas) and refried beans

Its weird.  This blog is a totally anonymous venue for sharing my food journal.  Still I feel immense shame posting my food journal when I “mess up”.  The fallout from getting out of my routine while on vacation continues.  How long will I reasonably be able to use that excuse?  I think its already way past its expiration date. 

Breakfast:
Organic flake cereal w/ soy milk
2 soy lattes

Mid-morning snack:
2 peices of string cheese

Lunch:
Panera - half strawberry / chicken salad + half tuna sandwich + whole grain baguette

Mid-afternoon snack (2nd breakfast)
bowl of cereal w/ soymilk
2 peices of string cheese
soy latte

Dinner:
leftover grain cakes w/ marinara

“Dessert”:
bowl of cereal with soymilk

Weighed in today at 199 even.  Why am I not suprised?  Somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping and even expecting to see 197 on the scale again.  The cold hard fact is that I haven’t earned it yet.  I see that when I look above at my food journal for yesterday and below at the previous food journals for the last week. 

A new week - a new start!

I finally had a good day.  I wouldn’t say it was great (my dinner was pretty starchy), but I stopped eating before I was “full”, and I didn’t feel like I was controlled by food and food decisions all day.  For compulsive eaters like myself, that is key!!  I was also able to order 7 pizzas for my coworkers without being even remotely tempted to take a sample.  I haven’t always been so strong - pizza is my favorite food, and I’ve succombed to temptation a couple of times over the last few months.  Here is how the day went. 

Breakfast:
Soy Latte

Late Morning Snack:
NF Latte
2 peices of string cheese

Lunch:
Egg Salad Sandwich
Strawberries

Afternoon Snack:
Blueberries
NF Latte

Dinner:
Steamed Yams w/ margarine
Grain Cakes with Marinara

Today my husband and I are going to have a spa day.  I am going to do a quick workout, and a light breakfast.  I’m really looking forward to such a nice day. 

A little bright spot to report.  I have a pair of size 16 jeans that I grew out of last summer.  I have other size 16s that are not a problem, but these jeans were awesome and they got really really tight - not attractive.  I even got to a point where I couldn’t even squeeze into them at all.  But 2 days ago I tried them on and sure enough they fit perfect!! 

Its nothing major, but I was pretty happy about it, even despite the fact that a good friend (who was formerly a size 20 as recently as a year ago) just bought her first size 10!!  Its hard to be happy for someone when you’re jealous, but I put on a happy face and focused on my own small but solid success. 

Breakfast:
Shredded Wheat Cereal w/ soymilk

Snacks:
2 peices of string cheese
blueberries
2  single serve bags of south beach diet crackers

Lunch:
Salad w/ tuna, cottage cheese, etc.

Snacks:
2 peices of string cheese

Dinner:
flank steak
brussel sprouts w/ white balsamic vinegar
Wild rice salad (2 helpings)

I’m getting discouraged.  The compulsive eating has continued. 

Breakfast:
shredded wheat cereal w/ soy milk
soy latte

Mid-morning Snack:
2 peices of string cheese
nonfat latte

Lunch:
salad bar (lettuce, tomatoes, beets, artichoke hearts, baby corn, tuna, cottage cheese, fat free italian dressing and a splash of balsamic vinaigrette)

Afternoon snack:
nonfat latte

Late Afternoon snack:
2 large bowls of strawberries
2 peices of string cheese

Dinner:
brown rice with shitake mushroom dressing
bowl of sweetened cereal

Breakfast:
Organic Flakes Cereal w/ soymilk
2 soy lattes

Lunch:
Tomato Caprese salad (mozzarella, lettuce, shrimp, eggplant, tomatoes, balsamic vinaigrette)
NF Latte

Snacks:
2 string cheese
2 bags South Beach Diet wheat crackers

Dinner:
2 bowls chili w/ rice, mozzarella cheese, sour cream
strawberries

Mad cravings again today!!  I gotta get a handle on this!!

I get the feeling it will be at least a few more days before I feel “back to normal” with my eating habits.  The “hangover” from my vacation is definitely overstaying its welcome.  I’m amazed by how much my sugar, carb, and general overall cravings have increased compared to pre-vacation.  I have always suspected that sugar is addictive - both psychologically and physiologically - and this is just more evidence to support that.  Since I cut out sugar back in January, I have not had such fierce cravings as I have had this week - almost as if I’m having sugar withdrawals. 

Breakfast: 
2 soy lattes
Organic flakes cereal with soy milk

Lunch:
Chili w/ rice
fresh cherries

Dinner:
Chili w/ rice
Leftover thai chicken with rice
strawberries

The nighttime cravings really got me tonight.  It was hard to overcome the urge to binge.  Looking at this I realize that I essentially had double what I should have had for an appropriate dinner.  Another lesson learned!!

I almost forgot!  Time to post my weight.  Last week when I weighed in, I was somewhere around 198.50.  Thursday (post vacation) I weighed in at 197.80.  I new low!!  I was so excited. 

I realize I just weighed myself Thursday, but I needed to do it again today (Sunday is my regular weigh-in day) to be official.  I came in at 199.20 (a pound and a half gain in 2 days)!!!  I know, I know - the binging on vacation, the 5-course Moroccan dinner, the alcohol…..  I should have expected it would eventually catch up to me. 

Its very disappointing, BUT, its also suprisingly motivating because I don’t want to wait another 4 weeks to see 197 on the scale again. 

 Wish me luck this week!