concentrated

I need a head check, a new way of looking at things. I’ve lost 130 pounds this year - 130 mofo’ing pounds yet I’m disappointed? Kick me, spank me and make me babysit 20 toddlers! Somebody punish me!

Presently my 5′10″ frame weighs around 165 pounds, bouncing around a couple of pounds with normal fluctuations. I wear loose size 8 jeans from a tight size 22 (and only able to wear a few select brands), size small and medium tops from a 3XL. My bra has shrank from a 48 DDD to a 34 C. I’ve reduced my body fat percentage from 58% to 20%. My BMI from 43.33 to 23.4. People, even my own family members, no longer recognize me when out and about.

All within a year. I think it’s causing me mental strain. The cracks are starting to show.

So why am I unhappy? Because I rely upon the scale rather than my appearance, my progress and my clothing. Because, mentally, 165 pounds isn’t a girlish weight. I could kick myself, if I had the energy. What the helly do I expect? More miracles? This IS miraculous! I need to remember that!

Yet, sometimes it sucks. 130 pounds is a godawful amount of weight. It seems unfair that I let myself get so heavy that 130 pounds does not mean the finish line. Why does it have to be more? Can I do anymore? Is it possible?

When I started losing weight 165 pounds was my GOAL. I wanted to lose 130 pounds in a year, although I’d never admit that lofty and unrealistic goal out loud - that would have meant jinxing myself.

Somewhere along the line I decided to shoot for halving my body weight. I forgot that 165 pounds was my goal. I accomplished my goal and never properly acknowledged myself. I dreamed of it all year, I thought about it while cycling 25 miles in 100 degree weather, while running my dog down the street at 240 pounds being called a pig by drunk guys in pickup trucks, while I passed up Easter chocolates and Fourth of July BBQ. Yet, when it hit I did nothing more than to give it a mention here.

I am at a point where I undoubtedly would have given up in the past. Despite my hardest work, my best efforts and walking the straight and narrow line - my weight has been seemingly stuck for a month.

I’m not quitting, but am frustrated by my ‘diet mindset’ and the lack of results for the last month. I am unwilling to tamper with my intake or output further. I cannot exercise anymore than I already do and I will not reduce my calories further as I don’t want a horridly low number for maintainability.

I guess right now I play the waiting game, stick it out - see what happens. I’m confident the weight will eventually come off, but am no longer able to race to the finish. My body has responded better than I ever could have dreamed in the last 11 months and I just don’t feel it’s very healthy to push and ask for more.

What do you think?

I think I should just focus on the weight lifting, on building muscle and try to forget about the scale - concentrate on my size at this point. Weight lifting doesn’t always agree with the scale although my clothing sizes tell me differently.

I’ll keep doing exactly what I’ve done until December 17th, the final weigh-in for my local Biggest Loser’s contest and then put the weight charts away for a time. I’ll still weigh everyday, but won’t record it on charts to obsess over. Eat healthily, count calories, decrease the cardio a bit and focus on that muscle. My trainer keeps telling me all of the cardio isn’t necessary and is quite counterproductive to my goals.

I guess the thing is, I could be happier with my body - but I need to rid myself of the notion that it’s all related to the scale, there are other ways, namely weights, to change and better my appearance.

My mother-in-law is a gawdawful cook. No, really. It’s the best place to eat at if you’re on a diet. A godsend on Thanksgiving.

She grew up in a very large family and shops much like her own mother shopped. Coupons and savings - buying in bulk. She’s so good at shopping and finding deals that she’s able to get the store to pay her to take things, I’ve seen negative receipts! But, three people live in her household. Her garage and three refrigerators are stockpiled with food. I can safely say it would feed a family of four for 2-3 years.

As a result, the food selection is chaotic and often expired.

I’ve often rummaged through her refrigerator in horror. Looking for cheese, I might find a block that expired last summer.

I’m the daughter of a chef - a chef who followed food sanitation guidelines a little bit obsessively, so I’m easily skeeved by expired food or edibles sitting out for extended periods of time. I annoy my husband by throwing out food he says is fine. I don’t trust his version of ‘fine’ except in women.

It’s commonplace at Thanksgiving for the turkey to be finished cooking by 2:00, but still sitting out at 9:00. I often extend offers to put it away, but am told that people might want to nosh on it a bit more - not to fuss.

Last Thanksgiving I looked up in horror to see a cat nibbling on the turkey. A cat on the COUNTER, eating turkey! Later, same cat was licking the butter stick.

Is it any wonder I’m food poisoned?

The shitty part is that I could have gorged myself on whatever, because the calories wouldn’t have counted. But NO, stupid me stayed on plan when I could have had a free purge pass. Honestly, I was repulsed and had very little appetite. I did eat a bit to be polite - terribly unforgivably rude not to eat at her Thanksgiving.

I do love her. She’s otherwise a classy woman with impeccable taste. Her home is very clean and well taken care of. I guess we all have our weird quirks.

My stomach hurts. HURTS! I’ll spare you the details beyond that.

It’s sort of my fault. I suspected that duck wasn’t supposed to be pink. Bright pink.

I didn’t go to my large family Thanksgiving celebration because I wasn’t mentally ready for the comments. I was exhausted yesterday. Our Christmas card has a photo of us on it, so I figure that will prepare people for the change and hopefully cut down a bit on Christmas day.

• bacon, eggbeaters, raspberries
• wonton shiratake noodle soup, and jack fruit. i wanted a durian fruit, but no luck. recipe graciously provided by the owner of our local asian market. i expressed a desire for low cal, she provided. she said ‘you eat japanese, you not be fat american’. cool, lady! bring it on!
• protein shake, double serving, 600 calories/100 gr protein

That’s all there - my stomach hurts.

• train the husband day - biceps and back, 3 sets/reps to failure on all - OW! 30 minutes crossramp 900 calories
• shop till i drop. that counts as exercise on black friday. it does!

HVEECK - Reps to failure : Failure means you can’t possibly lift the weight another time, your muscles are done- rather than trying for a set amount, say 8 and quitting. I can’t explain it very well, except to say you know when you’ve failed because you can’t do another rep even if a gun were held to your head! After a short break you do it again. For me, I can only get reps to failure when I’m lifting moderately heavy, I can go forever with light weights.  Sometimes I’ll do ‘dropsets’ which means to drop the weight a bit from the previous set.

Example: Tonight I was doing hammer curls with 25 pound dumbbells. I managed 9 reps on the first set. The second set I used 22.5 pound dumbbells and eked out 7 reps. The third set I again used the 22.5 pound dumbbells and got 11 reps.

HEY girlies! GREAT idea about the Wii Fit. GREAT. It will help eliminate some of the problems I have with my little guy playing video games - namely sitting dead still for extended periods. I can get a new workout at home too for home workout/rest days. Cool. Why didn’t I think of that? Because I have NO common sense - that’s why!

Are Wii Fits still in high demand? Should I start shopping now or can I buy one anywhere on Christmas Eve?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m a scale piggy pig.

It doesn’t matter how many numbers I’ve left behind, the ones ahead are just as important.

You’d think with weighing in everyday and losing a goodly amount of weight that I wouldn’t be such a greedy ass about the scale now. Wrong! The scale frustrates me now at 163 pounds as much as it did at 263 pounds. I am so ready to quit this numbers mind game and maintain. I cannot wait.

Typical morning, I roll out of bed - gummy eyed and cranky. I pee, undress in my 50 degree (10 degrees Celsius) bathroom, shiver and curse the scale resoundingly if it shows a gain.

I plan on weighing in everyday once I maintain, I know my weight will fluctuate. I’m just ready to be at a place where it doesn’t matter so much because I don’t have a numbers goal. I’d rather roll with the occasional mental punch than fight the everyday battle. Yeah, I know keeping my new weight will be an everyday battle - yes I do. But it’s a new battle, entirely different.

I’ll be on top of the mountain looking down rather than mid-climb and looking up. Sure, I’ll need to readjust my footing so I don’t slip - but no climbing impossible peaks anymore!

• eggbeaters with cranberry goat cheese, spinach, green onions and bacon
• 2 salmon burgers (no bun. these come from sam’s club and are mmmGOOD - only have like 130 calories ea. + 4 gr fat + 22 gr protein) with roasted ranch sweet grape tomatoes
• clif bar (intake woefully short today, needed a boost pre-workout)
• delightful smoked turkey (from a local butcher i trade services with - YUM), steamed veggies and cottage cheese
• carrot cake batter, a smidge. i’m the best baker this side of the mississippi and needed to check the spicy factor. first time i’ve baked this year and i made a GLORIOUS mess as usual, hosting my personal cooking show. flour and carrots are stuck to the ceiling. yum! i won’t eat the cake, it’s for my MIL’s birthday. to guarantee i won’t eat it i spit in it and waved it over the cats’ litter box. just kidding - i don’t mind my own spit. but i won’t eat my carrot cake

• a train the husband workout: triceps, shoulders and chest various, 3 sets, reps to failure, 20 minutes HIGH intensity (HR in 160-180 range) arc trainer. 2 hours: 983 calories. i needed that badly. i missed a hardcore old school workout!

PS - Someday I’ll tell you all about the revenge with breastmilk chocolate cake.

What a great title! Thanks Lou Reed and The Velvet Underground.

Holiday madness is underway. For the last three night I’ve stayed up all night attempting to play catch-up with work. No fair! It’s exceedingly hard to stay on plan when such demands are placed on my time. Not with food, I don’t struggle with that - but making time and energy to exercise.

No excuses! I did it, I do it. True, I’m cutting it back to weights and stationary bike time at home, but I’m proud that I’m somehow managing. It’s likely my imagination, but I feel myself softening after only a week, the muscles I work for aren’t so defined.

I also miss the big muscle guys. I like looking at them. It’s the only candy I get to drool over. Those chests! Shoulders! Biceps! The chests again! I have a fondness for muscle guys in tight shirts. My husband is earnestly hitting the weights and looking better every week. He gets jealous. How cool would it be to own your own muscle guy pet? I hope to find out!

I am responsible for my own actions. I am responsible for my time management. I am responsible for my results.

So, to reward myself I bought a pair of Frye boots I’d normally NEVER buy because of the expense. Since I’m sleep deprived my judgment is off. That line worked for my husband anyway, that and the line about knocking my boots.

Aren’t they a little cute/rock and roll/bad girl? I’m going to kick ass when holiday madness is over and my Nikes aren’t my only shoe option. Most of my time lately is spent in front of the computer, eyes glazed over, hair tangled, pajama bottomed and barefoot. I’ve put on shoes to exercise. That’s all.

• eggbeaters (4 servings) with green onion and bacon
• turkey breast, cheese and raspberries
• salmon burger with roasted sweet grape tomatoes
• eggbeaters omelet (4 servings) with italian layer cake cheese, bacon, sweet grape tomatoes, broccoli and yellow pepper
• almond butter

• stationary bike, shoulders (sad because I only have 20 lb (9 kg) dumbbells at home right now. boo! miss the gym and heavier weights)

SIZE 8 SKINNY JEANS! HELLS YEAH MOFO! Why don’t I look skinny in my size 8 skinny jeans?

Off topic - I’m irate because my damned MIL bought my husband a 48″ large screen LCD and my 4 YEAR OLD SON a Wii for Christmas. That’s insane. I’ll likely get socks.

She told me about the Wii after I had bought my little guy a ginormous teddy bear while out shopping with her. She remarked that the bear was a little immature for him and told me about the game system. I reminded her that he’s 4 years old and it’s easy to forget he’s so young. Little guys like soft cute things. My whole mothering technique consists of two rules:

RULE 1: NO HOTDOGS

RULE 2: NO VIDEO GAMES

My whole entire marriage I have firmly said NO to large televisions. 2 rules in my marriage:

RULE 1: NO HOTDOGS

RULE 2: NO LARGE SCREEN TELEVISIONS

(and read the labels on my tags please if you do laundry. I don’t need more accidental boiled wool sweaters for babies.)

I want us to spend time together as a family. Also, my house is Victorian and large screen LCD televisions have no place in my decor. Also, I don’t give a shit about television.

Also - what in the world can I give to my son that compares? Everything on his wish list she’s bought, from night vision goggles to light sabers to whips. I wish something were left for me. I’m glad she loves him, but really. And what about my husband? WTF can I get him that comes close? An inflatable doll since I’m always mad at him? He could watch ’special’ movies on his big TV with his plastic date.

Maybe I’ll sell them for an elliptical and more boots

Shew! Phew! The studio’s holiday special wrapped up this weekend. My gawd, the love and drama of children, parents and the desire for the perfect Christmas portrait. Hopefully, hopefully and hopefully my life will return to normal soon.

Since I got in the spirit, I thought we’d do a family photo for our cards this year.

~IMAGE REMOVED since I’ve been bitching about my MIL and would feel terrible if she ever found this and identified me~

This is our first EVER family photo. I love it truly.

When I first begun losing weight I was terribly impatient for results. Incredible, I thought, that I do not see visible results after losing 20-30-40-50-60 pounds. I hung onto the theory that as I got closer to my appropriate weight that results would start flying in.

That was truly my biggest challenge in losing weight, doing it despite the apparent lack of bodily change. Patience.

Now that I change rapidly, with every five pounds, it’s hard for my mind to wrap around. Honestly? I still think of myself as morbidly obese. It takes catching myself by surprise to appreciate and see the changes.

I have a lovely antique vanity by my bedside. In the last month I’ve scared myself several times, looking over and catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. WHO is that girl in my bed? Then I’ll begin admiring myself, lifting my arms and legs, turning them this way and that to admire the shadowed muscles and angles. Finally, I can admire myself. More worthwhile than ice cream.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I apologize for my recent dwindling presence on the blogs. I love your blogs, hearing about how you are doing.

The next two weeks are incredibly busy for my studio. Throughout the year I’ve been able to cut back on my workload in favor of taking care of myself. Last year I worked 100+ hours per week. This year I’ve done 50-80. Not possible right now though. I need to get back on my abusive schedule for just two more weeks in order to enjoy the holidays in style. Combine that with my grueling workout schedule and I have very little of myself left.

Excuses. I suck a fat one. But here’s another…

What the fuck is up with cramps? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT???? I’ve only had them once as a teenager. These fuckers feel like the mid stages of childbirth - they are that bad. I cried and took a nap in the warm bathtub today, exhausted.

I called my husband at work in the throes of the worst, begging for help with my son, to please pick him up from school for me (in addition I stayed up all night last night working, placing orders. Cramps, combined with complete exhaustion is too dangerous for driving a sweetpea 4 year old). I NEVER do that.

He came home and was quite alarmed to find me napping in the warm bathwater (konked out really, quite dangerous). He thought I was drowned, dead, his Ophelia.

He dried me, wrapped me in an electric blanket and brought me soup and coffee. Why wasn’t he that useful when I was having my son?

I really feel for anyone who gets them regularly. I couldn’t deal with it. I never understood when someone would complain of cramps. I get it now.

Goals, when properly planted in the subconscious mind, produce action. Goals create energy and motivation. Goals get you out of bed early in the morning and into the gym. The secret to staying motivated all the time is to set emotionally charged goals – in writing - and to stay totally focused on those goals day and night, without taking your eyes off them. A goal with a purpose is the fuel that propels you forward.

-Tom Venuto, Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle

That so beautifully true for me. My goals are my drive, my will and my fuel to continue. My goals are neither vague or noncommittal. My goals require physical and mental effort on my part - they do not all tie into weight loss (ie: I want to wear size 6 jeans, my bikini, weigh what I did on my wedding day and wear my old perfectly skanky leather skirt without muffin top. Those are all direct results of weight loss.)

My goals are what I focused on in the beginning. Rather than focus on my headaches, from a lack of sugar, my imaginary hunger for candy or the amount of time it would take to lose weight - I concentrated on my goals.

When I was barely able to pedal my stationary bike I tried not to focus on my lack of strength at the time - but the strength I was going to have. When my pants wouldn’t button I didn’t moan over it, but envisioned a day they would fall off. When my body felt on fire during a cycling ride I thought not of the pain, but imagined the fat melting off of me.

My brother in law, who is a story unto himself, gave me an appointment book for Christmas among other presents. I suspect he stole it from his mother’s stockpile of quick gifts. My appointments are generally handled online, where the chances of losing my records are less than the very likely chances of me losing a book.

On January 1st, when I began, I saw the book laying on my present pile. I grabbed it and began writing my goals for this year. I filled two pages with goals, some very reasonable, some very emotional and some seemingly impossible. After writing those goals I felt an energy, an excitement and a whole world of possibilities I hadn’t considered in some time.

I made sure to reread those goals often. I still do. When I reach a goal I jot the date next to it and make a new one. I will not regain the weight or lose sight of what I want, because every time I accomplish a goal I set another.

When things start to suck, as they inevitably do for all of us, try not to think of the suckiness but the reason you’re doing it. It provides more energy than cocaine (I’ve never done cocaine, but coke heads seem to have energy after a snort).

If all I had was a weight loss goal, what would fuel me once I lost the weight? I’d only ride on the vanity euphoria tide for so long before gaining it back. Make new goals for yourself often!

You’re going to think I’m an ungrateful-to-myself and petty bitch, if you don’t already. But this is my blog and I can make unseemly confessions - right? Righto! I have to be honest, I dread Thanksgiving, the people I haven’t seen in awhile. We talking big old Roman Catholic families, multiple parties and hundreds of people.

My mother created a monster with her firstborn. I’m cocky to a fault, arrogant and vain. By becoming a real life weight loss superstar I have to admit that I am far from perfect. I am in a big mess of my own creation. Every time someone pats my back at the gym I am reminded of why I am doing this.

When my trainer told me last night that she’s been trying to contact Oprah (which is enough to make me want to deck her one) I was floored, embarrassed and pretty appalled. My eyes started twitching. I screamed my protest, not for a bizillion dollars, not for 3 wealthy husbands, not for diamonds, not for anything in the world. I’ll earn my 15 minutes of fame some other way.

Being humbled is not a bad thing. But, as we all know - too much of anything is.

Rather than the compliments building me up, after a certain point they begin to tear me down. I end up feeling pretty disgusted and dismal in general.

I also get a lot of the compliments that say I’m perfect now - no need to continue with what I’m working on, disbelief that I want to continue. Gimme a break. I get tired of explaining myself.

Sometimes I just want to forget, play at being normal. But then if I were to forget I’d probably start chomping Flaming Hot Cheetos, packing the pounds back on and not getting to goal. I have to live with this.

I think I’ll catch pneumonia right in time for Thanksgiving. It was always my excuse in years prior, because I was embarrassed for my family to see me so big, it will work as an excuse now.

• roasted green beans, sugar snap peas and sweet grape tomatoes
• cheese
• chicken breast, cottage cheese, leftover roasted vegetables
• bacon wrapped scallops, leftover roasted vegetables
• macadamia nuts, bit of pineapple, cheese
• bcaa, zma, prenatal, cinnamon, fish oil

• cardio day: 60 minutes arc trainer and crossramp, 30 min stairstepper

PS- I’m SCARED!!!!! I ordered a chandelier for our parlor, simply gorgeous online. Today a shipping company called me to check if 18 wheeler trucks are allowed on our street for delivery.

What sort of light requires an 18 wheeler truck for delivery? My GAWD! I did think the chandelier was expensive, I should have checked the measurements better, I just doublechecked and it’s 3 feet across. That’s kind of big. My husband is going to kill me when he installs it.

Heya girlies! On the heart rate monitor, I don’t think they are necessary unless you really walk the line with your caloric intake/output, you’ve stalled or you’re motivated by them. The primary reason I got one was that I love gadgets and I knew it would be a motivating force for me.

I have a couple, two by Polar for exercise (I lose stuff, need backups, one was free) and one nifty Garmin thingy solely for biking. The Polar ones are pretty cool, reliable. The cheaper ones work just fine, no need for a million fancy features. I believe the F6 was under $100.00 and often goes on sale.

My head hurts, g’nite I’m sorry if I disappoint with my uncharacteristic lack of wit and charm. I hope you’re all doing wonderful and are living healthy today.

• • egg, egg whites, bacon, cheese + pineapple
  • albacore, green beans, cottage cheese
  • roasted turkey, asparagus
  • deli chicken, cheese, cashews, blueberries
  • catfish, cauliflower, spinach salad
  • bcaa x 2, prenatal, cinnamon, super b complex, ester c, zma

• • lower body workout alongside trainer: squats, goodmornings, glute press, extensions, curls, press, calves, pliets + gym stationary bike at max resistance = 795 calories

I have a decent quality stationary bike in our family room. I use it if I’m in the mood to watch television (which isn’t often). I used to depend upon it entirely for exercise, because it was all I could do. I relied upon it’s feedback as I didn’t own a heart rate monitor. I haven’t compared the calorie feature to my heart rate monitor before but did tonight out of curiosity.

I watched television tonight for 50 minutes. I didn’t push myself very hard, but tried to maintain a decent speed. My heart rate averaged at 124 bpm and topped out at 147 bpm, which for me is not a rigorous workout.

Get this bullhonky- the bike said I burned 648 calories, my heart rate monitor says 374. Can you believe there’s a 274 calorie difference? 274 calories is a great salad, an extra snack, a big old handful of nuts or 1/13th of a pound lost.

The sad thing is, the heart rate monitor is likely off too. There’s a metabolic VO2 max test thingamajig test I could get to reprogram my heart rate monitor and get closer to the truth with, but it’s $175.00 which I could spend in better ways. Maybe when the time comes to maintain, if I have difficulty with it, the price would be worth it. In the meantime I guess I’m doing fine.

• • eggbeaters, shrimp and some pineapple
  • chicken breast, cottage cheese, sweet grape tomatoes
  • bacon, turkey, spinach, green onions and chardonnay cheddar
  • roasted turkey breast, shrimp, sugar snap peas
  • sugar snap peas, green onions, 1 TBS chardonnay cheddar and 1 TBS cranberry fig hummus
  • supplements: zma, bcaa, cinnamon, prenatal, calcium
• • Bicep curls: concentration, standing, hammer, twist, ez bar wide + narrow, preacher, cable high grip, cable low grip   3 sets/reps to failure on all (generally 6-10 reps before I fail on heavy lifting days)
  • Back: pullovers, seated row, lat pull down wide+narrow, cable pull down, pull-ups, bent over BB rows , shrugs w cables 3 sets/reps to failure on all (except for shrugs)
  • Cardio: 20 minutes arc trainer (I could only tolerate 5 minutes of being watched by him).
  • Evening television time: stationary bike 50 minutes

• challenges: husband and son went to a chinese buffet without me. i didn’t have enough calories left for that

PS: BUTT UPDATE!!! My butt hurts from my lower body session the other day. No jail sex, hemmoroids, constipation or other nasties.