See that girl? That’s me, tonite. I’m pretty happy with how things are coming along. It’s what I knew would happen, this is the beginning of exactly what I visualize for myself. I have the hint of biceps (in my poor arm’s defense it is hard to stay flexed for the timer over and over), double chin is gone and my nose is pointy again, like it was intended to be.

It’s no surprise to me, nor is it anywhere near awe inspiring for me. I knew it would happen. It’s the physical beginnings of what I imagined on the bike trail or in the weights room. The power of visualization, which I talked about in the last post is powerful. It’s centering, calming and motivating for me. This WILL happen.

Here I am, there I go!

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Brseay asks an interesting question, which I’m answering in general (so if I say something offensive, which happens - know it’s not directed at you darling!) -

During this incredible year did you get discouraged? I mean want-to-give-up-throw-in-the-towel discouraged? If so how did you keep yourself going? And if not do you have any advice about how to get that frame of mind?

There were black and bleak times, especially when I first started. I felt hopeless, I felt beyond the point of mere dieting being a solution, I was overwhelmed. In addition I was disgusted that I was overwhelmed by MYSELF. This was my doing, my fault - I had dug myself into a hole so deep I could no longer see the light.

My advice to anyone needing to lose a large amount of weight is to quit focusing on the ultimate goal and to start breaking down the loss into smaller increments. Reward yourself with each increment. Celebrate the fact that you’ve lost 30 pounds instead of waiting until 50 for a party or thinking, ‘Damn! 120 to go.’

My solution, old black hearted cynical I, was to attempt the outlook of an eternal optimist. Starting at 295 pounds, a party was on with 289, 279, 269, 259…. . I created small goals for myself - getting into each new ‘decade’. The large picture - losing over 130 pounds seemed unmanageable for me. I could silently slip into new decades easily enough.

295 pounds was an unthinkable nightmare to me when I first stepped on the scale. Unreal, unbelievable, incomprehensible. As was the amount of weight I knew I needed to lose. Trying to grasp the reality of that was as impossible to me as the concept of infinity, the ever expanding universe and black holes.

Futile to try. Best to quit mourning over. I moved on to ten pounds. I got it. I no longer weighed 268, I had 9 pounds to my next goal.

That’s the big thing, stopping yourself from looking at how far you have to go ultimately. That’s not important right now. It’s important that you realize what a wonderful job you’re doing, it’s important that you celebrate each small success. Don’t mourn the success by envisioning the larger picture. Reward the success and set another small goal.

Reward yourself often and reward yourself well when you meet your goal. If you must justify it - consider how much was spent per week on crap food prior to starting. Make the rewards something you REALLY want, something to work for, something to look forward to and importantly, something you can use or do right away. A reward should never be a size 4 pair of jeans when we’re currently wearing size 20. That’s a motivation (or a new and clever form of mental torture).

I proved to myself, very early on, that this is not a difficult task if I stayed entirely focused, on plan. By focusing, concentrating, committing - the numbers would change. My body would bow to biology and the laws of thermodynamics.

So, narrowing it down to science (as well as a mad photographer can understand science anyhow) helps to keep me on plan. If I keep going, no matter how I feel, no matter how fucking tired I am, even if I’m sorely tempted by my husband’s Oreos - if I do this I will eventually embrace victory.

I’ve always tried to live in the moment or small time periods in regards to weight loss. I’m doing it right now, this very minute. Each minute adds up. They add up to a year, two years, three years and results. I collect minutes.

I also needed hyper-focus. I started by weighing myself every day. Every morning I record my weight. I log it both in a journal where I express brief thoughts of the day and I record it on my computer. There has been not one day in over a year where I haven’t weighed myself. By beginning each day with the recognition of the number I rested on I began each day realizing my purpose.

Yes, daily weigh ins can certainly be frustrating. I’ve been frustrated beyond belief countless times. I wouldn’t do it any other way - while the number is often irrelevant and misleading it provides me with the reality I need.

I am also very stubborn. It’s part of my flawed competitive nature. I will not give in, I will no longer lie down for any master - certainly not obesity.

.

I’ll continue on this more, if you’d like. My mind is racing at this question and I want to answer it the best I can. I fear I’m not getting my train of thinking across clearly because I get so excited thinking about the incredible journeys we’re on. I feel like a monkey at the keyboard.

Thank you for asking. I’m sorry I can’t express myself better. I love thought provoking questions like this and am always very grateful for the chance to attempt to answer. I wish it happened more!

The results are so exciting! Whether you’re watching the scale, increasing your miles (is that what runners do?) or hefting about weights - it’s all in the name of the progress game.

So what do you do if your progress suddenly halts? Where’s the fun in that?

I’ve always tried to help myself along with visualization. No, I’m not some crystal wearing earth mama - not by a long shot. But truly, visualizing the healthier me, the sleeker me, the stronger me is what drives me when I’ve seemingly run out of body changes.

I spent many hours on the city bike trails last year. Many, many and many. There were times when it was exceedingly uncomfortable. Like that ride on Mother’s Day with 60+ mph winds or that time in August when it was 105 degrees. Shoot, it could have been a pleasant day, perfect for riding - but my jostling breasts and thighs made the experience uncomfortable.

What I would do is ride not into the horizon but into a vision of the healthier me. I pictured the fat melting away rather than focusing on my discomfort. That 18 mile ride in the cold rain? It didn’t soak me to the bone but took 3/4″ off my thigh! In my head at least.

I am also a big fan of visualizing with concrete items in my life. Jeans that will someday be attainable (meaning I’ll never buy size two!), photos of bodies I admire or a clipping from a magazine of a haircut that would be better suited to a slimmer face. Keeping reminders I can see throughout my home helps keep my goal in the forefront of my mind. It really does help to keep me excited and focused.

So, right now as my results slow down I still rely on visualization. It’s harder now than 100 pounds ago. The results are slower in coming, you know? Things were much more exciting back then.

I recently bought a new calendar for 2009. This calendar is hung in the upstairs bathroom (house guests don’t need to know my bizness) by the scale. Each morning I record my weight and each evening, after I’ve done my diet duties for the day I give myself a gold star if I’ve exercised for at least 60 minutes.

You’d think the calendar/star would be trivial for me - but it’s not. I love it. It helps me to see the days I stick to my job, visualize my hard work and SEE the results (as slow as the weight is coming off these days) every time I visit the bathroom. Nice. I still keep track of this stuff on the computer - but I like having a real object to look at. Real stickers to play with.

I also enjoy my husband’s unwilling involvement. I think most people have a tendency to gaze while using the toilet and he gets to check out my calendar. He’s always known my weight in a general manner - but now he sees the daily fluctuations or a missing hold star (because of a rest day) and comments on it. I like that accountability. Although I pretend otherwise.

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Thanks for your concerns regarding the back! Here’s what’s going on….

I’ve noticed that since I stoped seeing the chirpractor that I feel better. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment with my GP to get another opinion.

Inkheart - we do the stretch you described and it feels heavenly. I’m going to look into the other ones you mentioned. I’m sorry you experienced such pain!

Round - thanks for your concern and thoughts! Your experience too sounds terrible (is any back injury not?).

The class and my free weights time are both instructed by trainers who I have a professional and friendship relationship with. Sadly, for the other people in the class - the instructor devotes a lot of time to ensuring I have proper form and stopping me from doing certain exercise. She has me at the front of the class where her eye is on me. I’d say I’ve been doing about 60% of the exercise, stretching during the others. The free weights time is also spent with my trainer who is very particular about what I’m able to do. She would rather see me not do anything than to hurt myself.

Neither the instructor or trainer is paid time anymore, they both do it because we’re friends (the two are twin sisters), so I’m pretty confident our time isn’t money driven. I’d honestly be a bit frightened to do it by myself or with a stranger who works out with me for cash.

I feel as though I’ve been coasting along, throughout December - without my usual mode of hyper-focus.

One reason would be that my two guys were home nearly half of the month. I do better with a routine. The other reason is that my back pain has become pretty much unbearable… I still exercise - but my off time is much more sedentary. Another culprit may be that I haven’t introduced anything new to my routine for awhile, I lack excitement.

With that in mind, I signed up for a weights class last week. It’s taught by my trainer’s twin sister - so I’m really comfortable hearing ‘her’ voice instructing. The class is fast paced and tough. Unfortunately, it’s also tough on my back. I don’t like the feeling of being limited by my body, shackled. I worked hard to get out of body jail, it’s unbelievable to me that I’m momentarily sent back.

It’s no surprise that my weight loss is at a standstill (well, honestly - UP 4 pounds ) and I’m feeling rather glum. No fair, I didn’t have any cookie treats, champagne or party food. No freaking fair!

Tomorrow brings me the return of my schedule. Yay! The boys leave the house for at least 8 hours per day and I’m given back my quiet house and steady routine. All will be good, I’ll figure this out.

***Later***

Immediately after writing that I decided to fix my duldrums NOW. Not tonight, not tomorrow - NOW. I took my crazy ass on a bike ride. It’s been awhile, it’s winter after all. 24°F, 22 mph winds, 30 minutes and 6 miles later I feel refreshed. Except for my chapped hands (forgot my gloves) and bonking my lady parts against the bike post. My GOD that hurt, I really did a number on it. Have you ever bruised your vagina? If so, I’ll bet your story is better than mine!

Happy New Year!

I love the possibilities of the New Year and thinking back over the previous.

2008 was amazing. A rebirth, the phoenix rising. I get chills and goosebumps thinking about the accomplishments. Honestly and truly, it was the best experience I’ve had. The whole year, all of it, every day. Each minute amounted to an enormous experience. Mind boggling.

I’m carrying the euphoria into 2009.

So many of us choose to begin the first day of the year with resolve. We’re excited, brimming with hope, filled with possibilities. Let each day feel that way - let each morning hold the same excitement. Let’s do it, let 2009 be our year.

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After my weights class at the gym I questioned the owner. I wanted to know how crazy busy gyms get at the beginning of the year. He said that it’s maniacal, particularly if the 1st of January on or near a Monday. If it falls towards the end of the week - not quite the living hell.

That saddened me. I thought of everyone who might start with a resolution of health but might give up their aspirations over the weekend - thinking that one last weekend of indulgence was okay and to give up by Monday. I want everyone with a resolution, a spark in their eye and hope in their hearts to experience the fulfillment of their resolution. To discover their resolve.

Because discovering resolve is a fucking powerful experience. Really - the f-bomb is a necessary explicative here, I’m not being totally obnoxious. Once I found out I actually had resolve, something to back up my resolution - I felt unstoppable.

So I declare today Monday. No weekend, no excuses - just resolve. The clock is ticking. Let the year begin!

I personally don’t have a problem with resolutions or goals on the beginning of a new year. They work for me, generally. Well, it did in 2008 anyhow - I don’t see why 2009 will be any different.

Rev my engine! My 2009 resolution is to work on becoming a machine. I will not become complacent or satisfy myself with the ordinary. I will continue striving and continue to give 100%. A finely tuned, sleek, performance machine - the Lamborghini of human bodies.

Oh yeah, I still need to lose 5 pounds in order to halve myself. That too. I admit it’s petty - but what a claim to fame! After I reach that I will instead focus on my body fat percentage, quit focusing on scale numbers.

So, in order to accomplish this I need to continue with carefully monitoring my intake (premium fuel only), work on the muscles and get the cardio in.

2008 gave me the rough draft or sketch of my new body. 2009 will see the refinement of it. Perhaps I’ll get to tell my own goal story in 2009. Perhaps.

I am so excited! New beginnings always do that for me and the ringing in of the new year always symbolizes new beginnings and infinite possibilities.

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The past few weeks have been pretty sporadic with the postings. Rest assured I’m still around and on track. It’s just that my husband is home, blerg, my son is home from school and we have projects galore.

I also am experiencing the pinnacle of my back pain. I injured it in August doing dumbbell rows and am experiencing the worst yet right now. I saw a chiropractor yesterday (not the quack jackass who ran the weight loss contest. I still haven’t picked my check up from him) and he says I displaced a bone. Huh.

He also says that my chiropractor enemy - the quack jackass - IS a jackass. That the guy will pull into his office in his Hummer (how appropriate), park really crooked and threaten to run him and the other chiropractors out of town. He apologized for that guy’s behavior and assured me that other chiropractors do not act like that.

Did I ever tell the story here of how the quack chiropractor at the Biggest Loser contest accused me of cheating 60 pounds (the amount I lost on his two contests) off? Gawd.

Don’t chiropractors make you come into their office 20 gizillion times and charge crazy amounts of money? I’m skeptical, I had an appointment yesterday and they scheduled another for today. That’s sort of weird sounding isn’t it?

Someone please assure me that chiropractors are valid?

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365 days on plan! 142 pounds GONE! Rock!

Sorry for that unabashed gloating. I do that sometimes.

Christmas went well. I somehow got out of baking 20 million delights for my mother in law without creating too much family strife. The cards never got mailed. My son DID sit on Santa’s lap. The presents were wrapped by my husband last minute. We bought new scissors. We found the tree skirt. The tree is beautiful, although incomplete. Who cares, really? Christmas happened and it was mostly great.

The huge ass television and Wii + Wii Fit are, admittedly, fun. The Wii fit certainly doesn’t replace a real workout or offer much physical challenge to me, but it’s a fun family activity. We spent the entire day playing with it. The scale on it annoys me terribly! It weighs me 5 pounds heavier than my bathroom scale. My balance is apparently awful. The Wii Fit seems to focus a lot on balance, which I never knew was important. I’ll work on it.

I got some great presents. But no clothes! Every year I’ve been given enormous amounts of clothing that did not fit. I was very much looking forward to new and smaller sized properly fitting clothing. At least a gift card. Nope.

Thanks for the compliments on the house. Joy - the date on it is unknown. Old church records show it was both the 1860’s and 1880’s (it’s the old parsonage for the church next door). I haven’t had time to look through records at the library, but an old Sanford fire insurance map does show it on the map in the 1860’s. Queer, because the Italianate style wasn’t popular until 20 years later.

It IS drafty as hell! Cold, cold, cold. It does have some great woodwork, especially the staircase, which I dearly love. I’ll get a photo sometime. The ceilings are about 11 ft. Tall enough for me.

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I cleaned my bedroom of old clothing tonight. I’ve purged my wardrobe repeatedly throughout my weight loss, but never thoroughly. As a result, when I would search for a pair of jeans or a sweater I had to sift through size 22 pants and 3XL shirts in order to find something that would fit. It was demoralizing I think. I never gave much thought to it, but getting dressed hasn’t been as fun as it should be.

It feels wonderful. My wardrobe is pared down only to clothing that fits now. The amount that I piled for thrift stores was amazingly overwhelming, I filled 4 notebook pages with items that I donated (for the IRS). It was great to see both size 22 pants and size 10 pants in the pile. No more. Gone. I feel so free!

It also felt amazing because at this time last year I was feeling very hopeless and sad over my weight. Christmas was my breaking point, what started me on the journey to lose this weight - because of several clothing gifts. A lot of hard work and a year later my closet is filled with clothing I love, clothing that fits - clothing in the single digits. YES!

That’s the best present I got this year. The return of me. The happy me, the fit me, the strong me. Thanks me.

Don’t let it’s looks deceive you. There isn’t much going on by way of Christmas in there yet despite the wreaths on the windows. I haven’t shopped for presents, I haven’t found the tree skirt, I haven’t mailed my cards, I haven’t played Bing Crosby or Ella Fitzgerald’s Christmas music, I haven’t bought holiday groceries, I haven’t made cookies with my son, I don’t own any scotch tape or wrapping paper, I misplaced the scissors, my son hasn’t sat on Santa’s lap, we never took a downtown trolley ride, my mother in law just asked if I could bake 12 dozen cookies, hundreds of truffles and 12 loaves of bread for her holiday party in 3 days (she wants to give the stuff to her family), ect to infinity.

I so need some help.

Dear God.

But I’m right on plan and have a stellar loss so far this month. No excuses! I’ll get Christmas done, I operate well under pressure. We’ll enjoy it too, damnit!

I’m cool, calm and collected regarding my intake this holiday season. But something has to give, right? Right! I haven’t done any holiday shopping yet, nor have I made lists, mailed my cards, ect. That’s due more to my current deadline photographer schedule than it is to diet.

On Wednesday, I’m proud to report I proved the quack chiropractor wrong once again! I was crowned princess Biggest Loser for the second time in a row. I lost 14.7% of myself in ten weeks. He was an unhappy man.

Speaking of winning - I don’t understand the concept of awarding prizes to the runners-up. What’s with that? I’m not being a bitchhole, but there is only one winner in a contest. I think runners-up should be acknowledged, praised, maybe given a chintzy certificate, but isn’t the point of a contest winning?

Where is this random thought coming from? He decided, last minute to modify my cash prize from $600 to $240 with the remaining balance split between the second and third place winners. A bit uncool, that wasn’t the prize terms when we started. So, yeah - second and third place winner lost 6% and 4% respectively.

I’m not going to wig out over it, become enraged. Firstly, there is no cash value for my losing weight. Shoot, I’d happily pay for every pound I’ve lost. I didn’t do it for money. Secondly, it was sort of free money. I had no grand plans for it, I didn’t earmark it for a needed purpose. I was going to buy something for myself to commemorate the win.

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My son’s last day of school before winter break was today. The lower forms had skits to present. His class did a cute skit on pandas in Chinese. Adorable. The oldest form participating (maybe the equivalent of 4th grade?) apparently wrote their own skit and used their skills from karate class (this school’s answer to PE, they believe it teaches discipline).

It was about an up and coming gladiator who needed to pass a series of tests, kicking the butts of various gladiators of different skill levels. He included various moves like the ‘wedgie kickdown’. Kids were flying left and right all over the stage, landing hard. Seriously, people were visibly cringing at the dramatic falls.

He succeeded with all until the last. The last opponent was Chuck Norris who knocked him down with a single look.

It wasn’t particularly Christmasy, my MIL who and the other grandparents who attended were shocked. She doesn’t understand their concept of nurturing creativity and allowing the students to make their own decisions. She’d prefer we send him to a normal school where everyone celebrates Christmas, there are no murders during the winter break skits and she can understand the languages they teach.

Although I didn’t walk away with a new dose of Christmas spirit, I took something from it - I am going to be the Chuck Norris of willpower this holiday. Fuck the cookies. Screw the fudge. Yo’ mama and the cake. Balls to the cheese ball. I am Chuck Norris. Girl of steel.

I’m saddened to report that my husband followed his diet plan for one day. Yep, one day. I wasn’t aware until last night when I asked him for an update. Sadly, I’ve been so wrapped up in work that I neglected to notice.

I didn’t have much to say in return, just offered a fake sympathetic look, which he thought was real. I’m trying to follow the adage of ‘Don’t say anything if you can’t say anything nice’. He’s nervous, waiting for the bomb to drop - for teeth, hair and words to start flying.

Normally I am a great debater, a lover of fighting, a bit of a spitfire. In this instance though I think he might be surprised. What can I say or do? He feels pitiful enough without my adding more insult.

The big trick to weight loss is that mind snap, the almost audible break when you decide ‘enough is enough’. He hasn’t had that and I don’t know where to get it. If I did, I wouldn’t be writing this blog but appearing on infomercials broadcast live from my jet.

That mentality is so hard to come by, the readiness - the willingness to do anything - no matter what. It’s another reason I’ve managed to stay on plan. It happened to me. I recognize what it is, the value and rarity of it and I don’t want to risk losing it. Enough days off track and it easily disappears - who knows when or if it will return? It took me a few years before it happened.

So special, like a first orgasm!

Kidding! LOL, I can’t believe I typed that.

Over and over, when I first begun and the task at hand was seemingly impossible - over and over I’d remind myself of the passage of time. The time would pass regardless of how I chose to spend it. I could kick ass and have a triumphant year or I could continue on with my old habits, in a mindless fog.

The thought of time is what drove me. I didn’t dwell so much on the now as much as I did on the future. I reminded myself over and over, that the obesity was temporary and that one day it would be behind me. All I needed to do was continue on, each and every day.

It has been a very positive experience, doing it this way. I was able to remain strong, optimistic and consistent by keeping my eye on my future self. By reminding myself that with the passage of each day on plan, with the passage of time I’d get to my goal.

So yeah, that’s how I’ve stayed on plan all year. That’s how I lost a fair amount of weight - by always looking forward. I knew my day would come and I knew to speed up the process that I couldn’t let myself derail. I know that if I had dwelt too much on the present that I quickly would have become overwhelmed and given up.

In the past, I looked back at previous years, previous New Year’s resolutions unfinished, the regret each year that I didn’t remedy my condition. The time passed, I could have used it to my benefit and have been done with weight loss.

So, with so many days behind me now, a bit of weight gone - in retrospect I was right. The temptations of 3, 7 or 9 months ago don’t matter anymore, because I passed them up I lost a pound or two. The excuses for not exercising remain unimportant, I gained some definition and muscle ignoring the excuses.

I knew that each day I spent off plan meant another day spent unhappy and out of shape. For me, the decision was and remains easy.

Time has passed, time will pass and I’ll keep going!

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On a food note - I’ve been frequenting the local Asian grocery and have been exploring Japanese cuisine. It’s delightful, healthy and fairly low calorie. It pretty much suits me. Except for the sodium bit with some of it. Japanese convenience food has obscene amounts of sodium. I think I had like 400% of the recommended allowance yesterday. Cripes!