I have to aim for 3 meals and 3 snacks a day at specific times whilst recording everything I eat in detail, including the dreaded binges. I’m also only allowed to weight myself once a week. Now since I started I can’t say I feel my eating has really improved, but I am becoming more away of when I binge and why. I think it is affecting my ‘all or nothing’ take on things and I am at least TRYING to eat well now and understanding that eating constantly isn’t okay. So I’ll continues with stage 2 which is to try and stick to me 3 meals and snacks and I believe the next phase involves ‘alternative methods to bingeing’ - should be interesting.

I’ve also lost 2 lbs this past week and I honestly feel like I ate like a pig and I’m on TOM. Weird.

Here’s a new technique I’ve learnt from my first podcast lesson, instead of saying ‘ no I cant eat that’ when I’m tempted, I’m going to say ‘I’m thin, fit and healthy’ and therefore I’m using a positive note to distract myself from eating something unhealthy.

I also really need to get back into the habit of cooking again, I’m not putting enough thought into what I eat and my habits are kinda just going something awol. Anyway, I’m more determined than ever and it’s vital I lose more than 1lb this month!

A guy I’ve been talking to online for like 7 years and writing to is coming to the UK in January and I’m determined that he sees a thinner more radiant Lauren. I’m going to work out and be healthy like never before. I have nothing but lbs to lose. Sure most days I’ll feel crap at some point, but thats okay, I wont die I’ll get over it. Here I’m feeling a lot more confident in my abilities and my future, because at last I feel like I’m in control again. Wish me luck!

Back to work on Friday, then College on Monday, but come Sunday morning I’m going running. I always find that most effective in weight loss, so I’m hoping I’ll burn off alot of the extra food I ate this week. (though 8000ckal + is probably really difficult to lose)

Ah well.

I think since it usually takes my body about 4 days to adjust if I just stick to plan I should start to go back down soon enough. My only problem is I’m at my fathers house and they literally have no fresh fruit or veg, which I live on. Sorry - they have 3 bananas (I really feel spoilt for choice).

I suppose in a way its good that I’m not tempted to eat anything, but its still annoying. Also my Granddad who has been ill for a few months now passed away this morning, and I didnt get to say goodbye being over 300 miles away. So tomorrow I get to say goodbye to him in my own way. Death doesnt bother me so I’m not too upset, I mostly find the negativity around death and seeing other people upset the most offensive. Once somebody else starts crying, I start too. So I’m hoping I can deal with all that without food.

The dreaded birthday arrived. I did plan to eat healthily on the day so I could drink in the evening and stay on plan. Well i DID eat healthily and managed to control myself despite blood sugars. By about 10 pm after several vodkas, one two many cocktails & a jug of sex on the beach, I figured my ’staying on plan with alcohol’ didn’t quite stick. Although this morning the scale told me I’d dropped 2 lbs I’m not keeping my hopes up. if I want to see 155 stick I’m going to have to work incredibly hard the next few days. Because last night I EASILY drank my way through 1000ckal+ of alcohol.

I guess the great thing is, despite being intoxicated I didn’t binge or eat which brings me onto day 25 binge-free. Woohoo!

My friend wants me to visit Turkey with her next August, so that is awesome inspiration to not only control my diet but to exercise for a nice toned body. And I feel I can make a good difference by then.

So we’re both doing our gym induction tomorrow. I’m slightly scared of what that will actually involve - I’m hoping just a demo of the equipment and nothing personal like weight or measurements. But at least I won’t be alone! I guess the fact I’ll have to pay the last of my wages on that place is also going to motivate me to get the best out of my money.

I also saw this picture of Haliwell. If she can look like this AFTER a baby I’m positive I can do something great with my body.

and a little photography practise;

I guess on the plus side I’m not crying into a bowl of cereal or stuffing my face. But by God I feel truly awful. I know it will go, it always does, but I also know it will return to. Bah, the nusciances of life.