Brooding
Today is the 4th anniversary of my mom’s death. She had lived with me exactly 4 yrs. at the time she died. I brought her down from Pa. when A. was in second grade and she died when A. was in 6th. She had been getting progressively less able to cope with daily life and had just had a procedure to clear a blockage in her carotid. At first, she was able to do dishes and help a bit around the house and go places with us but slowly became less and less mobile. I promised to keep her house and take her home for a bit every summer which I was able to do; although as the years went on, it became more and more complicated to get her there. I was only able to have her live with me because of her dementia; when she was herself, we always were cats and dogs. Her dementia made her vague and easy going; a one eighty from what she’d been like all my life. It made possible our living arrangement but broke my heart at the same time; kind of like living with an imposter. In Dec. before she died, I noticed, after doing her shower, when I was drying her feet, a couple tiny open areas on her toes on one foot. Now, she was diabetic and had previously had small open areas on her heels before which healed readily with treatment. Somehow, these seemed different—for one thing (and you are probably going to think I’m nuts), the dog was fascinated with the smell or something and I had all I could do to keep her away. Took her to her dr. four times in two and a half weeks; I knew something was different. He refused to do a culture. The third visit he finally put her on an antibiotic, the fourth agreed to a consult with a vascular surgeon but gave us an appt. almost a month away. VERY patronizing attitude by the third visit. He’d “seen worse and he was looking at it from the view of a professional while I was looking at it as a family member”, etc. I then made an appt. with her podiatrist, who, horrified, got her in at the surgeon the next day and she was admitted to the hosp. from his office. In a day or two, an operation was done to remove plaque from a vessel in the groin area. The hospital stay itself was a nightmare; some staff were lovely and competent but the bad ones are the ones you remember, unfortunately. At one point a catheter was put in for retention and such a huge amt of urine removed at once so fast that she was sent into shock. If I didn’t feed her, she went hungry, when she had chest pain one evening the assigned R.N. actually said she “didn’t have time for this”, it took me about a week to get a bedside commode placed by her bed (I think it was the day before discharge), before surg., I asked for help getting her to the room’s bathroom and the aide told her to “just go in the bed”. About a week after the surg, she was moved to a rehab place which was a thousand times worse—almost daily medication errors (including a antibiotic being given three times a day instead of once, incorrect inhalation meds). I don’t think she ever got a meal tray that didn’t have sugar on it and the first thing they would do was to put the sugar in the tea and hand her the cup no matter how many times I reminded them. I would walk in at lunch to feed her and she’d be blankly holding the cup with sugar in the bottom if I didn’t get there early enough. I just about lived in the director of nursing’s office for all the good it did—none. One day I arrived to find her bed in high position, sides down, and the aide down the hall looking for linen. Nightmare doesn’t even begin to describe those weeks. I also learned, at the rehab place, something the surgeon never told me, those open areas on her foot had been gangrene. They amputated a toe. She got C-diff and pneumonia and MRSA. I took her home to die where I could make sure she got better care until the end. Maintained isolation as best I could in my home and did it all 24/7. I can’t begin to dredge up all the horrors here that were inflicted upon her at the hands of our medical community; this was only the tip of the iceburg, I’d be writing for hours. I thought about suing, but the truth is, no one cares if a demented old woman dies and the thought of talking about all this when it was so fresh was just too much; I was completely and totally exhausted and barely hanging on by my fingernails to what little sanity I had left.
What is the lesson here, chickadees? It’s bleak and getting worse on the medical front. All I can say is — God help us all.
Sorry for such a downer but it (at least some of it) needed to come out.
March 30th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Yes indeed. I may have mentioned - when I first heard it, because I was so incensed - that here in Massachusetts, the CEO of Blue Cross/Blue Shield, which is, of course, a NON-PROFIT HMO, earns $1 mil annually. WORSE, the chairman of their board (whoever heard of a PAID board chair on a NON-PROFIT organization?) is paid $20 mil!!!!! This, mind you, is the same organization that routinely denies procedures to women with breast cancer that could save their lives because they are “experimental”!!!! Did you see Michael Moore’s movie, “SICKO”???? I wish it was surprising - wish it had caused me to be amazed, astounded, etc., etc. Sadly, it didn’t surprise me a bit. The medical procession has devolved over the years from being comprised of people who go into it because they CARE ABOUT their fellow man to being comprised of greedy, soulless, compassionless individuals whose motivation is nothing more than greed. Those few who do care or do want to do their best for the ill are far and few between and growing more rare every day. I’m so horribly sorry about your experience with mother - perhaps it was kinder (to her) to experience all of that through the fog of dementia. You were there for her, did your best against the worst of odds, and despite your troubled history with her. And that was honorable and good, Ms. Close. Something never to lose sight of.
Hugs to you, friend.
Z
March 30th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
I am so sorry that you had to go through such pain because of poor medical help. My dad had also burned his feet by wrapping it in a heating pad for way too long. His feet was so numb, he didn’t realize it has burned. He barely escaped amputation. When we went in after he passed away, my mom showed me his feet. There were actually hideous holes even after a couple of months. Diabetics suffer cruelly. Since this is a hereditary disorder, hope you are taking great care. I am trying to fight mine.
I still can’t imagine what it must have been to have her so ill and a daughter so small. When my mom had her breakdown, I used to be near her all the time, so she could not get up and leave. She used to leave the house without slippers in the night dress or sometimes go and yell at my dad or lock the batjroom from inside. the few days before we had to hospitalize her exhausted me. Sometimes when she is sleeping, I would fall asleep too. I remember waking up each time if she so much as turns in her sleep. I am sure the nurses in the nursing home didn’t treat her all that well. But since the medication started working, she kind of managed better than others. Though she tried to come home with us each time we visited. I used to cry buckets each time I had to leave her there after my visits.
Anyway, the main thing is that you came through for her.
Lots of love and a big squishy hug.
iniya
March 31st, 2008 at 7:54 am
I’m sorry to hear about your mother, it is so difficult to deal with even without the botched healthcare, dealing with parents getting old.
I work with healthcare providers to automate their offices and yes, all they care about is how many bodies they can move in and out of the door as quickly as possible. The quality of healthcare in this country is truly appalling. My solution is to never go to the doctor unless it’s an emergency. Works for me, I only go about once a year and I’m doing fine.
March 31st, 2008 at 8:26 am
I read this with such trepidation. I am also truly sorry that your mom and you had to endure a terrible experience at the hands of an uncaring health system. My mom has already told me over and over again that if she is to fall ill with something terrible like cancer, she does not want to go to the hospital or be treated with radiation or chemo. It sounds like you handled everything with grace and love and determination, nevertheless, you must have been so tired. I send you bear hugs.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:47 pm
My mom experienced a similar situation when my grandparents became too much to manage on her own, and she had to put them in a nursing home. Some nursing! Many of the things you describe were very similar to what happened to them, and no matter what age and condition patients are in, they absolutely should be treated with the compassion and care anyone else would be given. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother, and I hope with time the healing will continue.
April 1st, 2008 at 1:58 am
My heart goes out for you. My grandmother lived with us while she was dying from breast cancer. I totally understand how you feel and how disappointed and frustrating the medical system is. We are all going to die at the hands of our HMO’s.
I think it was wonderful and loving for you to take your mom home with you. I know the sacrifice you made. You are truly an angel here on Earth. She was blessed to be with you during her final days.
God Bless you and your family ~ I am sending you lots and lots of hugs. I am glad you got some of it out. That’s what we are here for.
{{Hugs!}}
April 1st, 2008 at 2:00 am
What saddens me the most is that after these years you have this horrible treatment to remember as well as your beloved Mother. It’s so terrible what your Mother and you went through. Thank goodness you were there for her - I’ve worked with a lot of poor souls that I couldn’t find any family members for and that made me so sad.
You did a beautiful thing Ms. Soclose - you showed your mother love and compassion to the very end. I only hope I can do the same for my Mother.
I am truly sorry about what these folks did to your family.
xoxoxoxox