just 10 more

Been really busy the past 2 days–traveling here and there.  Track practice each am and a long run (6mi.) tomorrow for A.  Yesterday after her run we went out to the barn to see Gracie; she’d managed to get out of her pasture and we had to go track her down and get her back, convinced her to even jump a small ditch.  She was VERY antsy in the cross-ties and not cooperative with such things as hoof-picking so I wouldn’t let A. ride her which made for a very sulky and mouthy 15 yr. old.  You know, never in my life when I was working did I ever imagine I would put up with this; an employee would be soooooo fired. And yet she can be smart and sweet and so funny; my life reminds me now of that book that was out a few years ago, something  along the lines of: Drop Dead, But First Take Me To The Mall.  I really hope we end up friends some day when she older.  (Much older!!!)  Last night we had a small second round of gifts with a friend of hers who had been out of town. Today after running, we went to Williamsburg; first to a Thomas Jefferson music thing, walked around for hours, ate (chicken rice soup, shared a small prime rib, mixed veggies), then to a play we had tickets for—billed as a Neil Simon like comedy; the kindest thing I can say is it fell short.  I had about half of a Pepsi because I was faling asleep on the way home and now I’m yawning but wide awake at the same time and it’s after 1am.

Ruby Jean’s been talking about the importance of having fun and kind of pampering yourself.  I’m trying to remember just what I’ve done that I could call fun or even if I know what I’d consider a “fun” time these days.  Going to the gym?–no.  Volunteer work (running club, school, horses)?–no    Running my daughter all over creation?—no     I “go” and “do” a lot, like today, but is it “fun” for me?—no   Pampering, what pampering?  I got bedroom slippers and 2 tops for Christmas; does this qualify as pampering????  AND I picked them. AND they were on sale.  Maybe I’m just still down a little but the only things I can come up with that I’d say I “enjoyed” were 2 movies I saw by myself—Michael Clayton and Gone, Baby, Gone.  Also, I have enjoyed this….being here.   There are people I know where I live, but no really good friends.  Up till about 3 yrs. ago I had a really good friend here (of about 15 yrs).  Had seen her through a couple marriages and relationships with men, THEN she meets the “love of her life”, surprise!!!—a woman, and a jealous one at that, and they are living (in bliss, I suppose) in N.J.    My best friends are all in other states and mostly date back to high school.  I do find myself being very wary of  becoming closer friends with the women I know here these days.  I’ve gotten private, protective, and closed in; in fact, sometimes a bit rude or at least abrupt.  I think the woman down the street (with the dogs, who house sits) would like to be closer but I feel myself keeping her at arms length friendship wise.  I’ve lost patience with people, sort of, cause one on one and in person it’s too hard on the soul, I think.   In the past (way past, mostly) I’ve bailed a neighbor’s husband out of jail (dui) in the middle of the night, driven a friends child in extreme pain-middle of the night, again– to an emergency room,  taken a neighbor by the hand when her husband was away and she fell totally apart and had her admitted to a psych hosp.  It’s too hard.  Had to stop and figure where I’m going with this.  Wandering all over, but I think I’m trying to say that right now this place is filling some need.  I can express thoughts on this blog and on others, give some advice, worry rather from a distance,  cheer people on, feel friendship and close to people, etc. w/o the emotional toll of actually being involved face to face, one on one.  Soooooo, am I avoiding “real life?”    Hmmmmmm………I think I’m talking in circles and I need to go to bed.  Does anybody else ever wonder about this stuff?????

Gonna “pamper” myself with some sleep, chickadees…..g’nite!

Hmmmm…….the weather here is just hateful–COLD, rainy, and windy.  A. has running practice in about an hour; well, they are going to be 1 short cause I’m not taking her in this weather.  I think my cold  is finally completely better and my general mood is on the upswing too.

Christmas was very quiet here.  Got up, opened presents in the morning, made a couple calls, watched a movie I gave A. in the afternoon.  I had the meal for about 5pm.  We had a slow oven-roasted center cut pork roast, seasoned with pepper, rosemary, salt, a bit of garlic, and lots of onions and it turned out delicious!!  Also mashed pots.w/ gravy, stuffing, cranberry, steamed broccoli, and a mixed greens salad.  Sweet potato or pumpkin pie for dessert.  Plenty of left-overs with only 3 of us.  In the evening A. and I went down the street to visit the neighbor who I walk dogs with occaisionaly for about 1/2 hr.  When I remember the my excitement and full family Christmas’s and visiting of my youth, I feel major guilty cause this poor kid is missing all those lovely memories—like I NEED something else to feel guilty about—but I certainly can’t manufacture family or bring back the dead.  Still, I feel so sorry for her.  We are pretty honestly boring.

She wanted to go to the barn today but that’s not happening in this rain either.   It looks like I may not even have to go anywhere at all.  I can’t remember 2 days in a row when I wasn’t in the car driving somewhere.  This I could get used to.

I think my favorite memory from this year will be going to the community Messiah sing on Sunday, great orchestra, beautiful voices!!!!

Gotta get some breakfast.

Looking up, chickadees!!!

Just a few min. after 12 but it is “the” eve.  I have found a semi-solution for the food gifts; I have started re-gifting.  Never did this before but I’m sure not gonna eat this stuff and throwing it out isn’t the answer either.  A neighbor brought me these chocolate peanut thingys, I tasted them and knew them to be deadly good…..SOOOOOO I passed them on to a friend I saw tonight; problem solved!  How awful is it to do this?  I do feel somewhat guilty.

The political breakfast wasn’t half bad as far as the political part went.   Sadly, the food was not all that great.  I expected to see and hear talk about the presidential election; not so.  We did the pledge, had a prayer, sang a few Christmas songs and God Bless America, had some history trivia questions, and a city council person spoke about waste hauling.  There was only one table of people promoting a candidate—-I won’t say who, but it’s someone who hasn’t a chance—-and they looked kind of rough around the edges.  It was all fine until I noticed (at the very end of the meeting) that one of the men with this group was wearing a gun on his hip.  There were at least 4 tables of high school kids there; I need to make a call to the school and let them know when we go back.  I spoke to the leader of the meeting who in turn spoke to the man who said he has a carry permit…..that may be so but my daughter and the other high schoolers would not have been there had this been known beforehand.  I wonder if the hotel where it was held has rules about people openly displaying guns on their property.  The rest of Saturday was pretty quiet; went to a couple tack shops, daughter drooled over horse stuff.   I did buy a smaller halter for Gracie, cause the one she has is way too big.

Sunday we went to the far barn to see Gracie who was brushed, combed, petted, had her rain rot treated, and was given many treats.  Put a western saddle on her; bit took 3 tries—she’s young and this is all new to her.  Took her to a round pen and my daughter jumped on–I was holding my breath, but she behaved beautifully, even trotted for her.  She did manage to get her tongue over the bit at one point and we had to fix that, but she’s learning.  It’s funny, my daughter who’s never had a riding lesson in her life, trying to train a horse from what she’s read in books.  Good thing the horse doesn’t know that A. doesn’t really know what she’s doing.  A. is getting what I hope is good advice from the barn owner who is real experienced.

Tonight we picked up a friend and her daughter and ate and went to the community sing of The Messiah.  It was lovely and full of great voices; good thing they weren’t depending on me!!!  Afterward we went to Barnes and Noble—-nice evening.

Food has not been too awful….breakfast is still my healthiest meal.  Haven’t been on a scale in a while; between being sick and then so terribly depressed, I’m sure I’ve gained back the 5 I lost back in November.  I’m simply going to try to eat healthy, exercise a bit, and not get on a scale for a little bit yet.

Onward, chickadees!  We’ll all get through this month.

Like the moon, we wax and wane, but emotionally.  By the 2nd to 3rd week of Dec. I hit a seemingly bottomless pit of deep sadness and have my worst days of the year, then gradually improve; it’s like clockwork, something to just get through.  I ignore it and avoid admitting what is going on until it just overwhelms me.  I want to thank everyone for the love and support and sharing bits of their own December stories.  It is  comforting to have others care enough to take time to write a few words when you are hurting and I am very grateful to each of you.  I think I’ve regained slightly more even emotional footing now, at least I hope so. 

Cards and packages have been mailed, a relief.  Rather than try to get a little giftie for each teacher and coach, a small donation was made in their honor to the disabled children’s horse therapy stable.  I have memories of when I’d have things mailed by the week-end after Thanksgiving, every year I swear I’m going back to that and never make it!

I did go to the gym this am; did an extremely light work-out and about 20 min. on the treadmill, then did  ladies lite aerobics.  Went to a local place for lunch with my husband for my birthday….I had meatloaf, of all things, comfort food, I suppose, brought most of it home.

Tomorrow morning I’m going to a political party breakfast; my daughter needs political action hrs. for her AP government class and doesn’t want to go alone.  This is REALLY not my thing; she’s gonna owe me big time.  At $10.00 each, the food better be decent; hoping for short speeches, too.  ugh!!!

Other than the breakfast, no plans right now for the week-end and that feels good.  Nite, chickadees!

There is a rather mournful song— Get Me Through December—-sung by Alison Krauss.  It has become my theme music for this month.  December has not been fun since I was little.  It really is a month I’m always happy to put behind me.  It’s become one big hated chore.

 When I was 14 my favorite aunt (age 47) died of uterine cancer Dec. 14.  My mother took care of her and the last 6 months were pure torture.  I was home alone when my mom called to tell me she died.  I was still sobbing face down on the couch when my mom, dad, and uncle arrived home—who sat beside me and comforted me???  Not my mother, for sure; my uncle, who had his own demons and would be dead himself in a few months.  It was an act of comfort I’ll always remember, God knows there were few growing up in that emotionally cold household.  Five years ago my closest cousin killed himself on Dec. 4.  We were only 12 days apart in age and he is forever a ribbon woven through my childhood.  To make matters even more horrific, he took two other people with him.  Why??????  Something I still can’t bear to think about.  I’m SO angry with him yet.

I got married on my 30th birthday which was Dec. 21.  I think I did this because I never had a birthday party growing up;  the excuse given me was that everyone was too busy that time of year.  I realized the other year that ALL my relatives who attended my wedding except for three cousins were dead.  That was a real shock.

I’m eating what I want; enough said.  No, December can’t end soon enough for me; I feel myself going slowly down as the days go on and always cry buckets when it all catches up to me–right on sched. as usual—  I’ll cry myself out and try to be a little better tomorrow, chickadees.

No major reason, just down–hormones, whatever.  Our rain ended yesterday around noon; we got about 2 inches total and we are still off where we should be by 14 inches.

Went to the stable about an hour away yesterday am where my daughter is going to help train the 3 yr. old horse.  The owner (a woman in the military) is going home to Tn. for Christmas and says A. can do what she wants with Gracie (the horse).  So…..I suspect a lot of break will be spent over there.  Yesterday was major grooming; no riding with the rain.  Later I took A. to the annual Yule Log Lighting at one of the historic houses as she always leads the Yule Procession playing her recorder.  She did a good job.  It’s usually the last Sun. before Christmas and after dark but this was the only time the mayor could come and it’s sort of a political thing too with officials of all kinds.  Nice gingerbread cookies and hot cider.  Yes, I did.   Their fault; didn’t serve any carrots or celery sticks.

The sun is out bright today but it’s cold and windy.  I tried the gym one day last week (Mon.) and had difficulty talking while on the treadmill even at a lower speed, haven’t been back since, still a wee bit congested and coughing some.  I haven’t done any cards or gifts in the mail yet; running out of time and just kind of lethargic about it all.  Never been so far behind.  Blah, blah, blah…….

So far today I’ve had oatmeal, cherries, and rest of leftover tuna noodle casserole.

Need to get gift (specialty coffee) and card ready for A’s violin instructor for tonight; he’s such a sweetheart.  Have old bananas; should make banana bread.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda—blech!!!!!  I’m tired, just bone tired.

I’m bad news today, chickadees…………….

Yes, finally, we are getting some decent rain!  And….thank God it’s not snow!!!

Rundown on day: up @ 5:30……..worked race, a 5K, A. took 2nd in 19 and under–got a trophy and won a door prize too………….movie-Golden Compass………..dropped A. at a local historic house to work with kiddies doing a Christmas craft thingy ( I killed time @ Hardees w/ coffee and a book)……..helped friend decorate a Christmas tree, move some furniture, and played Parchesi…………….home by 10pm

Food…..bfsk: oatmeal w/ skim, yogurt, tea………..at race: hot chocolate—it was COLD out………lunch Slotskey’s: small reg. original minus onions and mustard, sm cup broccoli cheese soup………..snack: almonds…….dinner 1 beef hotdog on bun, 1 small s’mores, hot chocolate (again!!!!)—–so, not a stellar day food-wise

G’nite, chickadees— have an early morning again. 

I have done my duty—I think I’ve single-handedly fed the worlds’ hungry hoards; that freerice.com is truly addictive, got up to 47.  I understand Ellabella and company got up to 49! WTG!!

Anyway, last night was Trans Siberian Orchestra—fog, fireworks, screaming guitars, booming base, the obligatory endless drum solo, keyboard duel, elevated stage, light show that should have caused seizures,  and LOUD, LOUD, LOUD.  When I’m there I love it; later it’s more like “What WERE you thinking?”.   A. was in heaven; they had a Viper, a custom made instrument sort of like an electric violin. She’s loved them ever since she saw Antonio Ponterelli perform.  Traffic was awful, nearly 1am when we got home; I allowed A. to sleep in and took her to school late and signed her in.

Food today.  Bfsk: grapenuts flakes w/skim, tea w/skim, snack peanuts………lunch: tomato soup, about 2oz. steak, pasta salad……………dinner: 1 piece cheese pizza, hot chocolate.

I’m tired.  Rock concerts will do that to the elderly.  G’nite chickadees!

A bit of a commercial of sorts, forgive me, please!  Just had to share this one.

freerice.com is a site that feeds the hungry while improving our vocabs.; excellent for school kids as it adjusts to the level of the person using it.  I had heard about this from the daughter of a friend who was home from JMU for Thanksgiving and recently saw mention of it on another blog.  If you look around the site you can see how much more rice is being donated each month as word of mouth grows.  I can get it up to 45 but ususally fall back to about 43 as an average.  It’s neat to test yourself; warning: majorly addictive!!!!

Food–just tea so far today.  Tonight is Trans Siberian Orchestra!!!!

Will add later, or tomorrow.  Y’all have great Thursdays, chickadees!!!

About 90% better, a little cough still left.  Glad that’s about over!!!!  Taste slowly returning; seasoning everything to the max, it helps.

Food yesterday was OK except for the Mc Donalds hot fudge sundae.  Had this after the track meet—A. came in dead last in the mile, we were commiserating.  Poor kid, and she even improved by about 10 seconds; the competition was just simply faster.  Later she finished up a paper for a project; she was working till 1am—it ended up over 65 pages—-don’t remember 10 grade being nearly so demanding.  I was up till 1:30 so skipped the gym today and came home and went back to bed so my food is off for today.  There’s been no exercise.  Got up (2nd time) at 10:30 ate 1/2 can tomato soup w/skim milk and bean salad………………….1:00: 1/2 peach yogurt w/ walnuts, 1/2 Wasa………5pm: turkey, spinach casserole, green beans, mashed pots, gravy, cornbread—Boston Market    Both Mon. and today we hit new temp records–79 and 81!!!!

Tomorrow night we have tickets for Trans Siberian Orchestra; saw them a couple years ago, they were really great.

The barn where we volunteer with the disabled kids for their theraputic riding lessons is asking for extra help with the horses as they are between barn help so after I get A. on the bus in the am I may be shoveling shi* and serving equine breakfasts instead of lifting weights for a few mornings. I did tell them I don’t want to be there alone (it’s kind of isolated and I’m just not that comfortable alone with some of the beasties) so we’ll see what happens. 

Good night, chickadees!!!  Speaking of which, I put 2 suet blocks out and my yard chickadees are in heaven!