Again an update is in order.

First I will report I am less than half way to my goal. I spent the weekend at my mom’s and on Saturday she was telling me all about counting calories and what diets her friends are on. Okay… not one word about how well I have done, and she didn’t even act like she noticed that there was a significantly smaller amount of me.

So I decided to hammer out some cardio to burn off my anger. I am apparently ahead of my goals for this month on cardio… I’m not sure how that happened.

Today when I was leaving her house, she says, “you’re losing weight aren’t you?” I just said yes. She said, “good.” Nice huh? I don’t know why this bothers me so, but it does. I mean the guys at work all said I have nice legs (short skirt due to the Halloween contest). I was also recently told I look prettier in person than I do in my pictures.

I apparently managed to pull off the Warrior Princess thing acceptably well. I even won the costume contest at work.

Oh, the car is back, so I can resume going to my personal trainer Yay!

All in all I think I’m doing well, and the Hub has said he is happy with my progress, though I he says I am now obsessed about my weight loss & what I eat. So one obsession traded for another.

I’m still annoyed that I feel strangers view me as just a fat chick. I’ve come so far I feel that is very unfair.

Well, an up date should be in order. I’ve not been so good on the plan, so I’ve been hanging out at the same weight for about two weeks now. Hel, last week I didn’t even exercise! I know that’s bad, and I can’t even say why I didn’t work out I just… didn’t.

Though on Saturday I again hopped on the tread mill, and then volunteered at the Irish Fest and worked my ass off. Today… probably after writing this I am actually going over to the gym to get a badly needed work out!

Update on the car? The shop still has it and is repairing it YAY! No total the car…

Anyway the Hub had to drive me up to the Irish Fest yesterday. On the way up there he was telling me how much he liked the fact I was losing weight, and he was proud of me. He was also saying something about how serious I was. I told him that I had lost 40lbs before! He said that I wasn’t that serious about it before?! WTF? I LOST 40lbs, I don’t understand what makes this time any different…

In other news, I was asked to play the part of a “Warrior Princess” in an up coming event. I’m feeling quite stressed about this. I feel that is a very physical thing, and I am 31lbs less, but I know that my ratios haven’t changed. Yeah, I look smaller and I’m doing well, but if you didn’t know what I looked like before, I’m just another fat chick still. Not that I’m ever going to look “good” I just would like to be a smaller fitter me. I don’t know if I can pull off a “Warrior Princess”….

Well on to other things, I wrecked our car last night, so all the things I do have to be canceled unless I can find a ride. This means no personal trainer and no Bagpipe lessons. Good news is I am ok and so was the other driver. I’ve got to go to traffic school. I’m depressed about the car and that is just sucking all the life out of me.

Oh Great Anonymous Interwebs… why do I feel like I traded one addiction for another? I swear that I spend my days trying to figure out where I can shove 90 minutes of exercise or doing it. Tonight I really didn’t feel like getting on that tread mill (I did though). I use to just eat, now its when can I fit in some time on the tread mill?

Days clean: 0 (ate a muffin yesterday) Maybe I should ditch the days clean?

I suppose this goes along with my last post… but when I joined LA Fitness I had the free assessment. The personal trainer (not the one I currently have) asked me what my goals were. I told him to get in shape. Pretty much that is it. So he ask why now? I didn’t want to get into any sort of spiritual stuff so I left that out and just told him I didn’t want to end up like my mom. She can hardly walk but really that is her only health issue. So he kept on me to find out what my goal was, as he said because most people want to look good.

For some reason that isn’t a concern, I figure I’m not going to look good. I’m just going to be smaller and healthy.

So my real reasons for losing weight: First, my health is not in decline, I am very healthy, my heart rate at rest is 60 beats a minute and my blood pressure is usually 130/70. I take no medications… my only issues are my weight and migraines.

Fear of what awaits when I get older also drives me. My grandfather had diabetes, my father had a rare and severe form of asthma that came on when he was 30-40ish. I’m scared… My mom who was always like me, robust, I now watch wither away with age. She always hated “gyms” and exercising associated with them. She was fine with working hard and doing physically demanding things. She was a saddle bronc rider, no stranger to hard work.

I’m 33, in my religion 3 is a “lucky” or “magic” number. I felt that this was a year of change and I needed to make these changes NOW. I have talked to several other people and they all “feel” this is a year of change, it was kind of odd actually. Now I figure I won’t hit my goal ’til next year, but the start was 33.

My piping is good enough to start practicing with my pipe band, which means lots of marching in parades, and I didn’t feel that I could play and march for any distance. My pipes themselves weigh seven lbs, not a big deal till you add having to keep the bag full and breath.

I also live in AZ, and it’s friggen hot! Just about every time I go outside for any length of time I get a migraine. I’ve tried everything, I went to the doctor and got migraine pills and I try to drink lots of water but nothing helps. However, it seems when I am lighter this issue becomes less of a problem.

My long time hero, Cory Everson, she just turned 50 and she hasn’t aged! She is still as beautiful and strong as when I first learned of her, thirteen years ago. If you have never heard of her, she won Ms. Olympia contest six years in a row between 1984 and 1989. I had the privilege of meeting her, and she is a very sweet lady. I want to be as healthy and fit as she is.

Also oddly, I feel very self conscious when I am introduced to my husband’s work associates. I feel I shouldn’t be this big, and that he is some how judged on me. I’m sure that isn’t true, but I don’t feel he deserves me to be big. This is all in my head, he loves me, and has always been supportive, even at my heaviest.

So… now you great anonymous Inter-webs know the absolute truth from me on why I want to get in shape and lose weight.

I have a NSV (non scale victory) to report. I have some strappy platform heals, and I wasn’t able to even get the straps around my ankles, and today? Yep I could AND I could buckle them, so I wore them to work for Funky Footwear Friday!

So I was on the tread mill pondering as I sometimes do. I was trying to recall precisely when I started packing on the pounds…

So anyway, I have always been chubby, not FAT like I am now, just chubby. Funny when I think back I use to think I was so fat… boy do I know different now!! I had always been around 140lbs, always trying to get to 130. I use to go to the gym religiously, before work. I NEVER had a personal trainer I never thought needed one I guess. I was also very physically active, I worked out doors, so I burned off alot of calories. So I think it started when I moved to Phoenix. I took office jobs that had me sitting all day, and my out door activities slipped, and then I packed on the pounds. I think I have been like this for about 8 year. About 5 years ago I dropped down to 160lbs but I fell off the wagon and it’s taken me all this time to get serious again.

When I think of the times I was 135, I was surprised to recall that I was doing 90 minutes of cardio a day! I would do 45 in the morning and 45 in the evening on a stationary bike. Hmmmm….

Gaming day is always hard for me, and yesterday just killed my plan! I was doing well, and then things just got out of control and I ate, candy corn, reeces pieces, chocolate truffles, goldfish crackers, pop corn, monkey bread and I drank milk!

I worked out on the tread mill as I had planned, feeling sick because of the massive amount of sugar and food I consumed.

I’ve spent most of today being depressed and upset that I fell that hard. It gets worse, because today is a holiday that everyone has off… they are all coming over here for round two of gaming. I don’t know if I can make it through gaming today! I didn’t yesterday *cries*

So yesterday I was thinking about weight loss… it seems to dominate my thoughts quite a bit lately. I was considering just how much like an addiction being heavy really is. If you take an alcoholic… from my understanding they experience the urge to drink for the rest of their life. I know my dad still wanted to smoke after 30 years of not smoking. So… I’ll never be free of wanting to binge or eat sweets to excess. When I think of the sheer amount of will I will have to exert for the rest of my life it overwhelms me. I guess I’m scared I can’t do it for the rest of my life.

In my past weight loss attempts I never had thoughts like this, this finality of how things will be. I’m always going to be a fat girl… I’m always going to think like one even if I don’t look like one.

It’s best never to be heavy than have to fight your way back from it… how often have you heard that about smoking? It’s best never to start…

I also have to confess how little people around me understand weight loss… My husband was saying to me it’s impossible to gain 5lbs in a day… I’ve done it! Granted what usually has to happen is you have to starve yourself and then eat something extra then the next day the scale jumps up five pounds! I don’t know  how it works but it seems to… I think anyone who has tried everything to lose weight will tell you the same thing.

Hub doesn’t understand the binge thing either… the complete loss of control as you can’t stop yourself from going back for more. He can understand addiction, but maybe not with food. Ugh it’s frustrating when he tells me that how I feel isn’t valid. He just doesn’t know different. To him over eating is a behavioral issue, and I guess it is, but I feel that it goes deeper than that especially if you have had YEARS of over eating.

It started out well, but then I allowed myself to have a little bit of a binge, but I controlled how much I ate, I probably had two servings of Goldfish crackers and 3 chocolate truffels… THEN hubby wanted to take me out to dinner w/ a friend. So we went to Claim Jumpers… yeah, 1 1/2 slices of Garlic Bread, 1/2 apple cinnamon muffin, beef tri tip, and breaded zucchini spears later… Good news is I didn’t eat all of that, bad news it’s more than I should have had and the bread/muffin are definate No No’s. Oh… and I didn’t get to work out last night :’(

So today the other 1/2 of the muffin was calling to me, but I had my oatmeal instead. Gotta saddle up and stay OnP the rest of the weekend. The scale was still nice to me this morning, but I read over in 3FC that it takes about two days for the Off Plan eating to show up