Yesterday was BAD…

It started out well, but then I allowed myself to have a little bit of a binge, but I controlled how much I ate, I probably had two servings of Goldfish crackers and 3 chocolate truffels… THEN hubby wanted to take me out to dinner w/ a friend. So we went to Claim Jumpers… yeah, 1 1/2 slices of Garlic Bread, 1/2 apple cinnamon muffin, beef tri tip, and breaded zucchini spears later… Good news is I didn’t eat all of that, bad news it’s more than I should have had and the bread/muffin are definate No No’s. Oh… and I didn’t get to work out last night :’(

So today the other 1/2 of the muffin was calling to me, but I had my oatmeal instead. Gotta saddle up and stay OnP the rest of the weekend. The scale was still nice to me this morning, but I read over in 3FC that it takes about two days for the Off Plan eating to show up

So for about the last two days I have felt like bingeing. I just sort of get this restless feeling that I want something, but I don’t know what it is. Either that or after I get done eating a meal I get this powerful craving for something sweet. So far I’m holding it off, but I’m starting to worry how long can I hold this off for?

Someone said something odd to me, at the beginning of last week. It probably means nothing, but it is something that I keep thinking about… It keeps popping into my head as I go through my day.

So anyway I’m on lunch with my usual lunch buddies at work, and one says that on her vacation that she is going to start jogging. Then she looks at me and says something about how I don’t have jogging shoes, and she knows how much I like to jog (I HATE jogging). I don’t recall saying anything about jogging to her, but I could have. It just seemed weird that she pointed out to me she didn’t think I had jogging shoes. (For the record, I do have sneakers or tennis shoes or whatever your region calls them… as a matter of fact I have them on right now.)

Almost like, “well you are happy being fat, but I’m not.” I had probably dropped 17 pounds by the time she said this to me. Weird… Maybe she has me confused with my room mate, who thinks dieting is a waste of time.

Speaking of the Room mate, someone on her team at work asked her if she would like to go on WW with them. My room mate said, “no, I can be fat for free.” Amusing as that is, I don’t think it is true, especially when I have to pay extra for larger clothes and all the extra food I’m going to eat…

I was so horribly bad today… Hubby took me out to eat at my very favorite Irish pub, Molly Brannigan’s.

Now I did well on the eating, I had a crab cake sandwich which was on whole wheat and veggies. Then I had some of Hubby’s bread which was probably a soda bread, just one slice. Here comes the bad part! I had two… not one but… TWO Irish mud slide things… It had Irish Cream, vodka, Kalua maybe. They were so good though! It was worth it… Irish Cream is always worth it.

So after we got home the dish of candy corn was talking to me, but I know better. Once I tell myself it is okay it’s going to be hard to fight through a binge. See I LOVE candy corn, and my room mate who scoffs at dieting brough home three bags! She also baked peach cobbler… I swear that woman is out to get me!

Time to saddle up on the plan again tomorrow, and recover from this derailment!

Okay, actually, it’s kind of my second because my personal trainer said that my face looked thinner, but I don’t feel like it counted so much because I have to pay him.

So today I was having a business meeting with my Celtic Group, and one of the folks was sitting with his chair in the isle with only a little space from the wall. I had to scoot in between, so I said, “What do you think I’m a thin girl or something?!” He said yes… THEN one of the other people at the meeting said, “hey, you’ve lost weight” and still another said, “hey, you have.” So I guess it shows now! YAY!

I’m happy! Though still not totally happy, I’ve got a long way to go… And I’ll be giving no ground!!

Days with no Soda: 20

Days clean: 3

Good news the treadmill is fixed! I married a wonderful man who can fix just about anything… AND I just saw a wrist bone! You know the one on the pinky side?! I forgot that I should have those!

Bad news I feel like the universe is aligning against me to keep me from losing weight! I’m also feeling really down on myself… Gonna take some time to get out from under that pile.

I had a rough weekend too, I had a Lee’s sandwich… SOOOO not on Plan, but so delicious, and a tiny piece of pizza on Sunday. Actually I think I ate about 2/3’s of the sandwich and that took me three days so I guess it wasn’t that bad.

The treadmill is broken! ARGH! So no more nice “when I want to in the AC” work outs for me. Now its, “Its only 112 degress out I won’t die.”

So, I was quite excited today, actually tomorrow is picture day, but I coudln’t wait! I decided to take my pictures today. So I though surely, there will be a difference! I know I’m not going to look much better, but surely… Yeah right, nothing… I’ve lost 18 lbs and I look no different! That sucks! I think I’ll just crawl into a Frappiccion now… Don’t bother me I’m eating.

*cries*

Days with out Soda: 17

Day’s clean: 0 (I had cookies yesterday)

I couldn’t take it anymore I HAD to have something sweet… I wanted chocolate, but I thought that might start a binge, so I settled for Short Bread cookies, one of my favorite things in the world! Though not really a binge food for me. It is my TOM and I am feeling a bit out of control.

Oddly I think I have discovered that crackers, chocolate, soda and frappiccino’s are triggers for me.

Some troll went on the 3FC boards and started posting stuff like, “why should I bother to go on a diet because 98% fail.” Stuff like that, oddly (seems like my word for today) this kind of took some of the wind out of my sails. It’s hard some days knowing that the deck is stacked against you. Though as my journal suggests, I’m giving no ground. I refuse to give up, and I won’t quit. Some one on 3FC has a tag line on their signature that reads, “Being fat is hard, weight loss is hard, maintenance is hard. Pick your hard.”

So that kind of gets me to thinking why would 98% fail? Why is that rate so high? So I punched that into Google, and I found something interesting. Apparently that number is from an obesity study that was done in the 1950’s. Though the fact still remains that most people fail. So I am still left with why? My theory? People go “on” diets and “off” diets. They don’t view it as a lifestyle change.

I view it like an addiction, I think the programs for weight loss should be the same, this is why I like the term “clean” instead of “on plan”. There should be an AA for dieters, I know that support I have received from 3FC has helped me out. I know I’m weird, but that is how I see it. It’s best never to become fat than to have to lose the weight. Fact is that it seems to creep up on you and then you wake up one morning and say WTF? Who is this fat person?

The other thing I have learned over the week, well I kind of knew. I know about how models photos were manipulated to sell products. However I never figured out with all the manipulation that they were air brushing the ribs of the models out of the picture and smoothing the lines. That’s just plain gross. I should have figured that one out, but I didn’t realize it.

So I handn’t seen my mom in about three weeks, she lives about 98 miles from me. So I went to visit this weekend… Very upsetting… When I got there, Friday evening, we started chatting and having a good time, then I went to bed. So I get up in the morning and begin preparing my breakfast and then she began to grill me on what I was eating and how I make it. So I told her.

Later that day she begins to tell me all about her friend on Weight Watchers and how she walks an hour a day and she is losing all this weight… So why am I still fat? Um… I lost 15 lbs since she last saw me but apparently she didn’t notice that, just that I was still fat.

Then she had a few choice words regarding my husband… I’m seriously considering telling her she can’t move in with us and she can just go live in assisted living.