Okay, I thought I was done with that last post but as I was looking at the titles of other blogs, and I thought about my Inter-web adventures earlier this week. See I was on vacation this week, I was going to go to bagpipe school, but I didn’t have enough cash so I just used my time and stayed home.

Anyway I was researching diets ‘n such and I also wanted to get some cool inspirational quotes to put in my food journal. So I saw something on YouTube and clicked on that and I was becoming greatly disturbed by what I saw. It was almost like a Lovecraft story… everything started out normal but ended up fecked up. Well I had stumbled upon someone’s Anorexia “Thinspiration” video! The images were disturbing and upsetting. While I love skeletons, I don’t like flesh on them. WTF? I don’t get it, but I guess I’m not wired that way.

Cory Everson, six consecutive Ms. Olympia winner, who also holds the distinction of being the only woman with an undefeated record in professional bodybuilding competition, has always been my hero. I have the privilege of meeting her once, she is a very sweet lady. Anway, why starve when you could be fit? Granted being a body builder is probably overkill, but to me fit is better than fat or skeletal.

So while wandering through someones “thinspiration” I found others who were recovering from Anorexia, and still some who had recovered and their bodies just stopped living. Why would you do this to yourself? I guess I don’t have that force of will, and maybe that’s a good thing.

Wow, I really didn’t think I had that much to say about dieting, but I’ve made two posts so far. Well today I’m feeling depressed, and in the past when I have felt this way it seems to be related to the food I eat. I have been very good on my diet and exercise program for four days… I have eaten my oat meal for this morning, yet some how I feel depressed but restless. Its strange, ususally eating seems to improve my mood when I’m like this. <A very telling statement…

Then again this could all just be I am just feeling depressed and nothing to do with food at all… I realized that it was my father’s birthday today, he’s been gone about eight years.

I know I shouldn’t weigh myself yet, but I did and I was 199 today. It makes me really happy to be under 200, even if is a precarious one pound. So I have actually lost eight pounds total in about two weeks… That’s too fast, but it will slow down.

Well, no one reads this, but I’ll ask the great fuzzy inter-web, why can I gain five pounds in one day yet it will take me two weeks to get it off?

Gods I feel like I’m just whining… I should have named this journal “Whining”

Today my husband had me go with him as we went through fast food, and in the same parking lot there is an LA Fitness, and he says to me, is that where you are going? So I told him “no” and told him where I was going which is further from the house. He was not happy… its to far… he didn’t say anything though. How many miles is accetable to get back to being healthy? Can there be to many? Can it be to expensive?

Another blog! I have far to many though I don’t post diet stuff on them. I have this feeling that if people know I’m on a diet they expect results. Well, they should I guess… I should most of all!

So why am I here? Well, I am 33 this year… 3’s are a magic number, my next sacred numbe will be 66, and then 99. As I am sure many folks on here I have been struggling with my weight for years. I decided this year is magical, and this is a year of change. I have always been fighting my weight, even when I was in high school. The lightest I have ever been was 130 lbs. I was never able to get below that. Deep in my heart of hearts I want to be 125 lbs, though I don’t think I can make it. I shouldn’t talk that way, but its the truth… allow me a moment of not being positive geez!

I weigh 200 lbs… there world! I wrote it, and it cannot be taken back. I have actualy recently lost seven pounds, my heaviest weight was 217.

I managed to lose 50 lbs before, but I started to gain it back. I remember the day too, freaky huh? I did the Adkins diet, and I remember the day I gave in, I went to the vending machine where I worked at the time and bought some chocolate bar. I couldn’t seem to get back on the wagon after that. This seems to be my problem, once I fall, I can’t get back up ’til I hit rock bottom again. I don’t know why.

 Anyway enough of that, this is what I have done, against my husbands wishes I went out and got a personal trainer again. He is now happy because I have lost seven pounds already. I feel as some would feel this is cheating, but after years of not being able to do it alone, I decided I needed help.

More later I guess…