Okay, its the morning of Day 9 being “clean.” I’ve had a couple hairy moments but I’m doing well so far! I had to visit that one person’s desk again and I felt like running away because there was a danish sitting on her desk again. Of course this woman is thin… probably because she doesn’t eat the whole danish! Where as I would have eaten two… Gods that makes me feel ashamed.

I went to our monthly Top Performers meeting yesterday and they had cake! Ugh, I debated on whether or not to treat myself to part of my award or not, so I was really good and I didn’t get any cake and because I’m psychotic about going off plan I wouldn’t even look at the other people’s cake. I made it! I didn’t feel drawn to the cake at all for the entire day.

I decided to go to a “meet up” at Denny’s last night. I didn’t want to go, and I was scared, because I didn’t want to go “off plan.” I couldn’t stomach another salad. So I ordered a grilled chicken breast with veggies and it came with a second side so I got cinnamon apple slices. I was good! I didn’t eat all of it and I only had a couple apple slices.

 I am trying to slow down while I eat, I didn’t think I ate that fast. I think what happens I keep shoveling in food while I am full but my brain hasn’t received the message yet. So now I eat about a fist worth of food and try to wait a few minutes so if there is a signal I’ll get it. Strangely I seem to be more focused on eating, and then I lose interest all together. Weird.

I almost feel like two people, like there is the “Fat Me” that eats and binges and then there is “Diet Me” that eats properly. I don’t know what happens to make me cross over to “Fat Me.”

I confess that I hate the “on plan” terminology! I feel that I need to develop something for my own internal vocabulary… I like the “clean” terminology better. I do sort of feel like my desire to consume junk is an addiction.