Well, the weekend set the tone for the week it seems. I’ve had a rough week, but I maintained my current weight of 182.

I have a NSV (non scale victory) to report. I have some strappy platform heals, and I wasn’t able to even get the straps around my ankles, and today? Yep I could AND I could buckle them, so I wore them to work for Funky Footwear Friday!

So I was on the tread mill pondering as I sometimes do. I was trying to recall precisely when I started packing on the pounds…

So anyway, I have always been chubby, not FAT like I am now, just chubby. Funny when I think back I use to think I was so fat… boy do I know different now!! I had always been around 140lbs, always trying to get to 130. I use to go to the gym religiously, before work. I NEVER had a personal trainer I never thought needed one I guess. I was also very physically active, I worked out doors, so I burned off alot of calories. So I think it started when I moved to Phoenix. I took office jobs that had me sitting all day, and my out door activities slipped, and then I packed on the pounds. I think I have been like this for about 8 year. About 5 years ago I dropped down to 160lbs but I fell off the wagon and it’s taken me all this time to get serious again.

When I think of the times I was 135, I was surprised to recall that I was doing 90 minutes of cardio a day! I would do 45 in the morning and 45 in the evening on a stationary bike. Hmmmm….

The sins I have committed again! WTF is wrong with me?!

Gaming day is always hard for me, and yesterday just killed my plan! I was doing well, and then things just got out of control and I ate, candy corn, reeces pieces, chocolate truffles, goldfish crackers, pop corn, monkey bread and I drank milk!

I worked out on the tread mill as I had planned, feeling sick because of the massive amount of sugar and food I consumed.

I’ve spent most of today being depressed and upset that I fell that hard. It gets worse, because today is a holiday that everyone has off… they are all coming over here for round two of gaming. I don’t know if I can make it through gaming today! I didn’t yesterday *cries*

So, I posted yesterday that I joined LA Fitness again (I was a member 10 years ago). A very nice gentleman showed me around, and introduced me to one of the members who had been given a poor prognosis by his doctor, so he went straight to LA F and joined. The guy had lost like 25lbs in three weeks or something like that. I probably looked like a dork congratulating him… We all know how hard it is.

So yesterday I was thinking about weight loss… it seems to dominate my thoughts quite a bit lately. I was considering just how much like an addiction being heavy really is. If you take an alcoholic… from my understanding they experience the urge to drink for the rest of their life. I know my dad still wanted to smoke after 30 years of not smoking. So… I’ll never be free of wanting to binge or eat sweets to excess. When I think of the sheer amount of will I will have to exert for the rest of my life it overwhelms me. I guess I’m scared I can’t do it for the rest of my life.

In my past weight loss attempts I never had thoughts like this, this finality of how things will be. I’m always going to be a fat girl… I’m always going to think like one even if I don’t look like one.

It’s best never to be heavy than have to fight your way back from it… how often have you heard that about smoking? It’s best never to start…

I also have to confess how little people around me understand weight loss… My husband was saying to me it’s impossible to gain 5lbs in a day… I’ve done it! Granted what usually has to happen is you have to starve yourself and then eat something extra then the next day the scale jumps up five pounds! I don’t know  how it works but it seems to… I think anyone who has tried everything to lose weight will tell you the same thing.

Hub doesn’t understand the binge thing either… the complete loss of control as you can’t stop yourself from going back for more. He can understand addiction, but maybe not with food. Ugh it’s frustrating when he tells me that how I feel isn’t valid. He just doesn’t know different. To him over eating is a behavioral issue, and I guess it is, but I feel that it goes deeper than that especially if you have had YEARS of over eating.

I just joined LA Fitness… The Elliptical machine is calling my name… It’s nice to have something besides FOOD talk to me!

Yesterday was BAD…

It started out well, but then I allowed myself to have a little bit of a binge, but I controlled how much I ate, I probably had two servings of Goldfish crackers and 3 chocolate truffels… THEN hubby wanted to take me out to dinner w/ a friend. So we went to Claim Jumpers… yeah, 1 1/2 slices of Garlic Bread, 1/2 apple cinnamon muffin, beef tri tip, and breaded zucchini spears later… Good news is I didn’t eat all of that, bad news it’s more than I should have had and the bread/muffin are definate No No’s. Oh… and I didn’t get to work out last night :’(

So today the other 1/2 of the muffin was calling to me, but I had my oatmeal instead. Gotta saddle up and stay OnP the rest of the weekend. The scale was still nice to me this morning, but I read over in 3FC that it takes about two days for the Off Plan eating to show up

So for about the last two days I have felt like bingeing. I just sort of get this restless feeling that I want something, but I don’t know what it is. Either that or after I get done eating a meal I get this powerful craving for something sweet. So far I’m holding it off, but I’m starting to worry how long can I hold this off for?

Someone said something odd to me, at the beginning of last week. It probably means nothing, but it is something that I keep thinking about… It keeps popping into my head as I go through my day.

So anyway I’m on lunch with my usual lunch buddies at work, and one says that on her vacation that she is going to start jogging. Then she looks at me and says something about how I don’t have jogging shoes, and she knows how much I like to jog (I HATE jogging). I don’t recall saying anything about jogging to her, but I could have. It just seemed weird that she pointed out to me she didn’t think I had jogging shoes. (For the record, I do have sneakers or tennis shoes or whatever your region calls them… as a matter of fact I have them on right now.)

Almost like, “well you are happy being fat, but I’m not.” I had probably dropped 17 pounds by the time she said this to me. Weird… Maybe she has me confused with my room mate, who thinks dieting is a waste of time.

Speaking of the Room mate, someone on her team at work asked her if she would like to go on WW with them. My room mate said, “no, I can be fat for free.” Amusing as that is, I don’t think it is true, especially when I have to pay extra for larger clothes and all the extra food I’m going to eat…

I was so horribly bad today… Hubby took me out to eat at my very favorite Irish pub, Molly Brannigan’s.

Now I did well on the eating, I had a crab cake sandwich which was on whole wheat and veggies. Then I had some of Hubby’s bread which was probably a soda bread, just one slice. Here comes the bad part! I had two… not one but… TWO Irish mud slide things… It had Irish Cream, vodka, Kalua maybe. They were so good though! It was worth it… Irish Cream is always worth it.

So after we got home the dish of candy corn was talking to me, but I know better. Once I tell myself it is okay it’s going to be hard to fight through a binge. See I LOVE candy corn, and my room mate who scoffs at dieting brough home three bags! She also baked peach cobbler… I swear that woman is out to get me!

Time to saddle up on the plan again tomorrow, and recover from this derailment!

Okay, actually, it’s kind of my second because my personal trainer said that my face looked thinner, but I don’t feel like it counted so much because I have to pay him.

So today I was having a business meeting with my Celtic Group, and one of the folks was sitting with his chair in the isle with only a little space from the wall. I had to scoot in between, so I said, “What do you think I’m a thin girl or something?!” He said yes… THEN one of the other people at the meeting said, “hey, you’ve lost weight” and still another said, “hey, you have.” So I guess it shows now! YAY!

I’m happy! Though still not totally happy, I’ve got a long way to go… And I’ll be giving no ground!!

Days with no Soda: 20

Days clean: 3

Good news the treadmill is fixed! I married a wonderful man who can fix just about anything… AND I just saw a wrist bone! You know the one on the pinky side?! I forgot that I should have those!

Bad news I feel like the universe is aligning against me to keep me from losing weight! I’m also feeling really down on myself… Gonna take some time to get out from under that pile.

I had a rough weekend too, I had a Lee’s sandwich… SOOOO not on Plan, but so delicious, and a tiny piece of pizza on Sunday. Actually I think I ate about 2/3’s of the sandwich and that took me three days so I guess it wasn’t that bad.