Oh RubyJean

While waiting for boring old programs and jobs to run, I peeked in here this afternoon and caught up with most of the blogs I regularly read. I was so happy to see that Ini is okay, and going for job interviews. Ini, guess what? I am officially job seeking as of today. I haven’t been tapped on the shoulder yet to receive a pink slip, but who knows, maybe tomorrow. I’m starting my search while I’m still employed.

I was happy to see Ella here, too, and TJ with her impressive painting. We need to paint at our house, but it’s a job that never seems to be too high on the agenda. I need to take a leaf from TJ’s book and get my arse in gear. Angel has decided to feel beautiful, and rightly so - I can tell she is.

Chel had her baby, a boy, and that makes me happy for her and her husband and their little “Sis”. Annie sounded okay with her peaceful home the other night, and with goals and plans. Feathers, too, running on the tready. SoClose with her Epiphany, Islandgrl hopefully starting back in to running again and Lyn with her trip to Hawaii and only gaining two pounds(!), and Round finding her way with a healthy approach to eating and, well, just living, Raven with her good-for-the-arms (wow, really?) yoga, and Sharedbalance - well you haven’t checked in for a bit, but I’m hoping you’ve sorted out which plan you want to try.

Our Thanksgiving was pleasant. As always, lots of good food. My friend J. took some snaps with her handy dandy iPhone, and only after I really looked at them did I realise my girls didn’t really set the table in a very posh way, they didn’t use matching plates and bowls (why not? I can’t figure because we do actually have things that match), and we brought the first course, the soup, to the table in the pot. Must look awfully sloppy. Meanwhile, I had prepared most everything except the turkey in advance, the pots had been washed and the kitchen was actually spotless right up to making the gravy. I was more organised this year than in years past, but I guess at the last minute things got away from me. Oh well. Like I said, the food was good, the company was good. I’m sure I’m back in the 180’s again, and was planning to be really careful this week, but my evil twin, Lumberjack Woman, or maybe it’s Dutch farm girl who pulls the plow, made a rude appearance yesterday and today, and ate enough for two people.

TJ’s thoughts on wine have inspired me, although, maybe inspired is not the best way to describe it. I recognise myself in there, and it’s not inspirational. Nevertheless, my friend J. is giving me a lift home today in her brand new C-class Merc with all the bells and whistles, and we’ve already decided to stop off at the bottle store and purchase wine.

Today was stressful at work, that’s my excuse. We had that demonstration from the European crew who are replacing our system with something from SAP. Good luck with that mates. They say they’re doing a gap analysis and if their system can’t provide some crucial cost benefit to the company they’ll stick with what we’ve developed, but between you me and the gatepost, it’s a done deal. Our system is going to be thrown away. One of my colleagues reckons we have four or five months left, but I think it could be any time. They’ll need a transition team, but I don’t feel like sticking around for it. I’m in “stuff you!” mode.

Now, being in “stuff you!” mode has a few advantages. Anger can clear your head and make you sharper. I’ve tried, but I never can maintain that feeling. Right now, though, I’m feeling it big time. I hope it stays awhile. While it’s here, I’m going to sit myself down and set some goals, both short and long term. Not all will be job related, but that’s the main purpose.

J., my Bolshevik, called me late this afternoon to ask for money to go to New York to see the tree lighting tonight at Rockefeller Center. I had no way of getting it to her, so I suggested she take a quick drive over to my office. Typically, she had left things to the last minute, and typically she is broke. She said she’d rather just ask our R. to drive to my office, pick up my bank card and draw the money, while J. showered. Knowing J. (and remembering a big fight between them last week which left R. feeling very hurt), I asked, “what if R. won’t do it? Will you scream at her?” (Absolutely no doubt in my mind she would, plus a lot of cussing) J. said she’d just bug her. She is a Bolshevik, but generally very honest. So I asked her again, why doesn’t she just drive over herself. The office is only 5 miles from home, she had plenty of time to get back and shower. J.’s voice rose a decible or ten, and she shouted at me, “because it takes me f*ing at least an hour to get ready!” OK here’s where my prior “stuff you” comes into play…. “Kiddo”, I said softly (we sit on top of each other in this office), “you just shot yourself in the foot. I’ve told you repeatedly not to address me that way. I have just lost any desire to give you anything tonight.”  At this, she yelled further…. “I’ve had a bad day! I’ve been crying all day!” and… “Why are you so mean to me lately?” and… ”I’m clinically depressed” (self diagnosis, (not necessarily wrong)). and…..”I feel suicidal most of the time!” and…finally…. “I wasn’t saying the “F” word AT you, I have every right to be upset!” and……”I have every right to express myself when I’m upset!”…..

We’re talking your basic plain old garden variety temper tantrum.

J. does not seek me out to tell me she needs help for depression, although I have asked. Mostly, she avoids me. She point blank refuses all requests help out with tidying or chores, and when she does address us, she often peppers her speech with that good old “F” word. You’d think this was the Sopranos! I have repeatedly asked her to be more respectful, but nothing changes.

So, today, sorry, mate, “and…..I have every right to choose not to give in to a person who speaks disrespectfully to me”. End of story.

I called my husband shortly afterward, thinking she’d probably call him and harangue him. Again, speaking softly, this time in good old kitchen Afrikaans, I explained the situation and said, (a little “stuff you” creeping in), you better back me up! Well, actually no, it came out more like….”I just thought I’d warn you in case she calls….”

J. is wily, and will even go to her Granny, my mom. She recently burned bridges there, too. Luckily my mom is out shopping.

My niece has an only child, a daughter who is about 5 years younger than J. and her behaviour is along the same lines, just intensified. J. hasn’t gone as far with us, but if you are really honest when looking at both these girls, it’s the same thing.

Today, I didn’t even really feel upset. I just realised that it’s not that hard to NOT put up with any nonsense any more. (How long have I been a mother? Bit dimwitted at times, eh? Or maybe it’s just tired and beaten down.) Putting up with it, as we so often have done, capitulating after half-hearted apologies or tears, will not do J. any favours. Heaven only knows what will happen with my niece’s daughter. First of all, they have much more to give her materially, and she demands it and has always received what ever she wanted. Nothing she can say or do really fazes them. She has not heard the word NO very often. Last year my niece phoned me in an absolutely desperate state. She wanted to know if I knew of any places they could send their child - you know, places where troubled children are sent into the wildnerness or to military school. She told me that she and her husband felt they could no longer cope. They used to have two extremely undisciplined dogs. Cute as puppies, and my niece vowed and declared they would be trained and disciplined and walked and that she had their best interests at heart. Yet, they were horribly spoiled and then often left too long to their own devices. My niece and her husband eventually got rid of both dogs, too afraid their daughter’s temper, they preferred to tell her they had died. But you can’t make the problem go away as easily with a spoiled child.

Why do we find it so hard to stick to our principles, to just operate with common good sense - as employees or parents or spouses or just as ourselves? Is it laziness? This is what I tend to think might be at the root of it all. Or, fear of dealing with the consequences? The temper tantrums? Or is it the lack of commitment to get up when it’s cold and dark and rainy to walk the dog. Lack of desire or energy to put in the work? To plan the meals, to exercise. No, I still think it goes back to laziness. No one wants to deal with a temper tantrum, or get out of that warm bed or put in the effort when you could just plop down on the couch. I think we get comfortable taking the easy road. Well, I’ve been doing that for too long.

Tomorrow I will post my goals after having a good think. May the force stay with me.

Posted on December 3rd, 2008 by rubyjean
Filed under: General