Round

I’ve been on the 3FC blogs for a while now, and during that time I’ve seen MANY people stop blogging, and several of the consistent, committed bloggers just stop blogging, often taking down their blog completely.  Other than going off their diet, obviously, I’ve never really understood why.

Now I do, because for a part of me it seems like the best option too.

It’s not what I’m going to do - I like the idea of seeing people struggle through thick and thin and still put up the fight.  For years I’ve listened to a podcast of a guy struggling w his weight where he’s done just that - sometimes doing great and getting to goal, sometimes buried under mountains of cookies, and it’s probably the most inspiring of all the stories of weight loss I’ve followed over the years because he’s (usually) still working at it, and doesn’t have a easy, magical time of it, which I think is more reflective of the real world.

So, what’s happening with me?

• I’m not exercising (although we did join the new gym, but I’ve only been once, tsk tsk)
• I’m working like a dog, which is not my usual workload and is not really preventable, and this is likely to last another month or so.  I’m no slacker at work in the best of times, but this is really a lot, a level I haven’t been willing to do for years.  I’m in a job I dislike which has some hard deadlines these past few weeks and upcoming ones, doubled by a part-time assignment for my company (which I do like) which is a huge visible project and what we need to get done is enormous, we’re a small group working on it, and the deadlines are falling at the same time.  “Working all the time” lately has meant  getting up at 6 to work, being in meetings all day, working for several hours at night, and repeating this cycle all week sleeping around midnight, maybe with 3 hours discretionary time during the week, and another 3 the weekend, where I’ve been also working constantly for 3 weeks now.  Frankly, I’m sick of it, and I’m not screaming and shouting because I know I’ve made the halfway mark now.
• Because of the above I have not had time to be on the internet much, so not reading blogs, not writing them either…
• I switched phones in Sept and got the iPhone, which I thought would help make my blog postings more regular, but in truth it’s been the opposite.  You can’t update the 3FC blog from the iPhone.  I now do read the NYTimes and a few other of my regular sites from the iPhone so my need to go on a “real” computer daily has diminished, reducing the time I spend surfing the net in general.
• I’ve been eating badly and in a cycle of no-exercise, crap-eating, scale-avoiding.  We all know what that means — GAIN.  So I’m mad at myself, disappointed in myself about that.  And of course because of the work situation, regular gym time continues to be impossible I keep putting off doing anything about it, undoubtably compounding the problem.
• I think I fell into a small depression with the ectopic pregnancy.  My body is just now getting back to normal, and the abnormality was really bothering me.  The situation is sad, and I spent several weeks being very sad, crying a lot, etc.  Probably a normal phase of grief, but still, a lot of sadness.  Of course my comfort solution of choice is food… I guess it could be worse, it could be drugs or alcohol.  One of the upsides of my work situation is that it’s forced me out of that pity party, and my daily outlook is much more positive.

So I have lots and lots of excuses, but the bottom line, and the reason I won’t quit the blog is this :

I want to lose weight.

And just doing nothing isn’t working to accomplish that.  I’m not in a rush to do it, I’m not going to be able to get to the gym regularly for another 3-5 weeks, but that doesn’t mean I need to gain weight.  I feel tired and bloated and yucky, and there are some things that won’t take time but could make me feel better.

My clothing situation is getting dangerous again - I only fit in a small set of my wardrobe, and I have clear nightmares of how awful buying my-sized clothes in Paris is.  I’d really REALLY like to avoid going through that again, or at a minimum have it be my last time (not sure if I can really wait on a few items).

Just writing this makes me feel better.

I’m coming out of denial, and that’s going to count as the first step.

I have been a bad blogger and a bad dieter. I haven’t gone crazy, I just have been on “regular” mode for a while now. My weight is undoubtably stable. Even better news is that most of the time my emotional state is stable too.

I’ve been waiting for dieting inspiration to find me again. Toying with the idea of forcing myself to diet without the inspiration, but that seems just too miserable.

I am starting to think that just maybe the waiting is going to work. My inquiry into the new gym found a small and high-class joint only 5 min from home, and open very good hours. Mixed with the occaisional trip to the pool it could be a very good choice. It’s expensive, but that’s not my biggest deterrent — I’m much more worried about making the decision to get back into losing weight, knowing that will be a schedule challenge (not an excuse, just reality).

I’ve also been enjoying the fruits and veggies a lot, cooking some with my stepson (who is easily tricked into thinking a few spoonfuls of sugar are a huge indulgence).

Maybe the biggest “CLICK” came this week when I read this article in the New York Times.  Last year my work with Dr Hope was exactly in this direction, and it was incredibly interesting. I have done a lot more cooking this test than in the past, and I do think in general it’s helped me have a better appreciation of food.

No decisions yet, but I’m hoping the general reasonableness of the past few weeks eating can morph into a real weight loss program focused on ENJOYING food, adding good ffos in, and, yes, regular exercise.

I am back to work today and heading to Oslo for a meeting that lasts until Thursday.

I think the trip is a good thing - mentally to be engaged again, and I’ve always enjoyed spending time in Scandinavia.  In addition, I like the project & the people from work who are involved in this meeting.

I’ve also learned through the years how to handle meetings like this in terms of food without going nuts.  I eat my regular ‘at home’ breakfast while indulging in lots of fruits (and avoiding the pastries) and try to make a few simple rules like skipping the bread at meals and having only fruit at coffee breaks.  I usually try to be sane with desserts too - I think this trip I’ll allow myself one dessert and the rest of the time have fruit, but more than anything I will eat with the intention of losing weight and try to be both flexible and gentle on myself.

I won’t have much chance to exercise - we have pretty brutal schedules at these meetings (breakfast meetings at 7am, working sessions until about 7pm, then a group dinner at 8, back in the hotel around 11 or 11:30 to start it again the next day).  I haven’t been back to the pool in 2 weeks, but hope to head back this weekend. I am also going to investigate a new gym that’s opened near my house.  Gyms in Paris are usually horribly dirty, smelly, crowded, ugly and HOT (no air conditioning!) in addition to being at least twice as expensive as what I paid for a beautiful gym in the States, but this one is in a big American chain hotel, and they probably have to be up to American standards.  This one seems to have larger hours than typical French gyms too…  It’s at least worth checking out.

In the mean time, I think I’m going to start to work on my abs again.  I haven’t done my ab exercises in a LONG time and in addition to jelly-belly, I feel the weakness in my back, and that is enough to push me into action.  So I’d like to do some of the ab exercises twice this week, maybe once in Oslo.

On the weight front, my scale showed one pound down today - don’t know if it’s real or not (guessing not - I’ve not been good these past few days) but I’ll take it.

I know I have a legitimate right to feel sad and angry in the light of this ectopic pregnancy, but I am kind of sick of feeling sorry for myself too, and I think that’s a good thing.  I wouldn’t say I’m “moving on” or “putting it behind me” but it’s gradually becoming just another chapter in the narrative of my life.

I’m going back to work on Monday, even though part of me would love to just stay home under the covers for another month or seven, I know most of me will be better off and happier with a more normal structure and life.

The indulgence “poor me” eating has been limited but still present, and that needs to end too.  Yesterday I had a Starbucks Vanilla Frappucino because it is sweet and soothing and not for any other reason.  Usually I can pass on that kind of thing but yesterday I sought it out, knowing that it was a kind of “final farewell” to that kind of excess calories.  I need to get back to exercise too.  One step at a time, however.  I’ll do some walking this weekend, head back to work next week, and  hopefully by the week after be able to combine the two.

I kind of wish I was writing about something other than my ectopic pregnancy, but since it is the central issue in my life right now, and preoccupying my every waking thought, I think what I’m actually wishing for is for this to be completely behind me.  Which it is not.  Actually, even better would be that it had never happened, and that I was either just normally disappointed by another negative pregnancy test, or in the pure-fantasy realm, that I was actually successfully pregnant.  But since that’s not my reality it’s pretty sick and morbid for me to be playing the “what if” and “why me” game…

I saw the doctor today and he didn’t have many answers nor much comfort.  I was seriously annoyed that my husband didn’t offer to come with me.  I know he is very busy and has cancelled a lot of appointments already, and that it was not a decision-making appointment, but I was pretty upset that he has cast me as overreacting, overemotional and a general pain in the butt because I think he should have offered to come.  I probably would have told him not to bother, that I could handle it on my own, but the truth is physically it was hard to get there (I’ve been mainly lounging around since Thursday, and the visit to my doctor was the biggest outing I’ve made in days by about 10-fold).  Of course, it’s really the emotional side that has me upset - the feeling that to be sad about this is somehow weak or abnormal…  I would say that 80-90% of the time I’m okay, but not always, and while that not-okay time is acceptable to me, to my husband it’s much less so.

I am still bleeding and still have pain every day, although it’s generally less strong, and the moments of severe pain are less frequent.  My doctor was a little concerned that I am still having pain however, so I have yet another ultrasound scheduled with a super-specialist on Thursday evening.  And my blood test is on Thursday morning, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that the numbers finally drop as they should.  My doc also gave me the name of a good psychologist (and bonus - she speaks English!) to talk to about my “difficult path” — which was on one side good (I do think I could use someone to talk to) and also made me sad to see me officially categorized into the “difficult path” group (even if I know it to be true).

I’m off work this week (and yesterday’s outing to the doctor showed me that I could NOT handle working right now).  In theory I go back to work on Monday and I think I should be okay at that point.  Right now I am trying to get back into more of a normal rhythym - at least for part of the day by checking my work email and doing some teleconferences.  But I’m still leaving plenty of time for sleeping, watching Sopranos, and taking it easy.  If I still feel lousy at the end of the week I’ll need to make a decision about work next week - I have a 4 day meeting in Oslo so I can’t really be on the fence and go to that.  I’m hoping that the recovery continues gradually and that all is clear on Thusday’s tests.

My doc said I can walk and swim when I feel up to it so I’m hoping to add some activity back in by the weekend.  Meanwhile I am trying HARD not to turn to comfort foods, which is pretty much working.  I’ve been drinking a lot of tea and filling up on the end of summer fruits.  Scale shows I’m down 2 pounds right now, but my body is still clearly out of whack so I’m not putting too much stock into that yet.

Thanks for the comments and virutal hugs.

Well, these past few days have still been no fun.

Things came to a head on Wednesday. After a test at a specialist to confirm an ectopic pregnancy (where she could see nothing) my blood tests still refused to drop. I went back to work at our offsite meeting (I’d taken the train 60 min each way back to Paris to do the tests). My doctor’s office called with all the results and said they wanted me to go ahead with the treatment for an ectopic pregnancy, which is an injection of methotrexate. I recruited a colleague/friend who is a physician to give me the shot, but when we went to the pharmacy we found they didn’t stock it and we’d have to pick it up the next day. Later that evening I had strong abdominal pain (which I hadn’t had all through this process, including when I saw the radiologist in the morning for the ultrasound) and 2 hours later I found I was bleeding.   Not wanting to be stupid, I went to the ER.

The ER of course took hours, as I wasn’t bleeding heavily and I had a full folder of my exams of the past weeks with me, and there were more urgent patients than me.  When I was finally seen they ran all the blood work to make sure the liver and kidneys were okay for methotrexate and kept me overnight (this is France, in the US no way would I have been admitted!).  The next day yet another ultrasound (still nothing visible) and bloods and then they gave me the shot.  My husband had flown back from a business trip and was there to pick me up when they were ready to release me, and we’ve been home since.

The methotrexate has me cramping and bleeding lightly, with a very tender abdomen and pain that is pretty strong coming in waves and when I move.  I almost asked the nurse if I’d be able to go swimming this weekend, but that seems so ridiculous to me right now when I can’t even sit at the table for 30 minutes without severe discomfort, and walking around the house is hard.

I had some comfort eating yesterday — bread and butter upon returning home, and then pasta at dinner and a big bowl of ice cream later.  I think all things considered that’s not too bad, and today my husband went to the market and bought a TON of fresh fruits and veggies so today’s food has been much better.  I actually don’t have too much of an appetite, but I am me — meaning I often turn to food when I’m bored or stressed, and now I’m both (stuck at home,  immobile and in physical pain, and the emotional pain and drain from this whole process).  Still, I will not let myself gain weight even with such a good excuse.  I did that last year after my miscarriage and haven’t been able to get the pounds off, and I can really not afford to compound that problem further.

Thanks so much for all the supportive comments you’ve given me these past few days.

My doc’s office was back today and they were so much more efficient and professional than the GYNs who’ve been following me, it was amazing. No waiting for more tests, they sent me today to have them done. But the answer isn’t what I wanted to hear, the blood test today was more than double last week and so it is almost certainly an ectopic pregnancy. I have a special type of ultrasound scheduled on Wednesday morning with some kind of sub-specialized radiologist to confirm the diagnosis (and, I presume, set the treatment ball in motion).

I also have an appointment to see my doc next Monday, his first day back, which means his secretary really thinks it’s important, because she is a pit bull with his schedule.

Of course, this all comes during a busy time at work - I’m at a week-long conference about 75minutes from Paris where I am running a part of the meeting and of course responsible for my team, but I’m not letting that get in the way.  I’ll miss dinner tomorrow night and all the morning on Wednesday, a colleague will take my team with hers for the morning.

It’s hard coming up with credible and not-too-lying excuses but I’m just worn out by the worry and that is not one I’m adding to my list.  I told my boss I had a medical appointment I had to have at that time, no context, no explanation beyond that, and with everyone else I’ll be even more vague, just saying I have some personal business.

Meanwhile today I kept a food diary for the first time in ages - with calories and all (always such an eye-opener).  And the scale was kind, down 1, which I needed to see because I was really feeling like I didn’t much care these past few days, and that helped me back into action.

This whole thing is harder on me than I’m liking to admit.  I keep trying to stay level-headed and calm about it all, but in reality I want to cry and scream and rant at the unfairness of it all.  I try to keep it together for myself and those around me — for myself to not fall into a pit of depression, and for my husband to show that I’m really trying to be “logical” and move forward.  But there are moments when that seems damn near impossible, and right now as I’m writing this is one.  Going to pick up my stepson from school today (which I did as a “favor” although I didn’t exactly volunteer) felt hard.  And I love the kid, and 99% of the time I am happy he is there, but today having to be face to face with the fact that my DH already has a child and me not being sure I ever will…. well, it was hard.

My emotions, my motivation, my diet and my body keep going back and forth.

The miscarriage seems to be largely over, except my blood test was still elevated this week, meaning things aren’t back to normal yet.

My emotions seem largely under control, except when out of the blue I start to cry or just get very sad.

My motivation to exercise comes and goes, as I’ve mainly felt like swimming but my body isn’t always cooperating to allow that to be a good option.

Similarly, the diet.  Huge cravings for fruit, veg and water, followed by cravings for starch and sugar.

In short, I think I’m doing pretty darn well considering what a hellish few weeks this has been, but it’s far too early and I’m far too fragile to beat myself up over slip-ups.

I headed back to work and back to tracking my diet at the same time.  I’m not really starting over - I was eating pretty well on vacation and exercising pretty regularly, it’s just been the few days away when my eating was a bit out of whack - normal for both an end-of-vacation setting free, and also the stress and sadness of the failed pregnancy.

Still, being more strict felt good, and made some of the choices at a hotel convention meeting for 3 days a lot easier.  I tried to pay attention to eating more fruits and veggies, didn’t allow myself anything other than plain yogurt or fruit for dessert, skipped the bread on the buffet (even though a few times it looked better than the rest of the meal) and had only fruit and tea at coffee breaks.  None of that felt like a big deprivation - I know from years of experience that the hotel-buffet desserts and carb nibbles they set out are mass-produced industrial junk that tastes greasy and sugary and not very interesting.

got lucky with the fruit plan — there were big baskets of fruit at every meal, full of variety, including a bunch of rare exotic stuff that costs a fortune that I hadn’t tried — and luckily one of my dining partners had traveled widely and knew a bunch of these fruits and orchestrated several tastings — YUM!  My favorite was the mangosteen, a fruit I’d tried and loved before but then forgot about it as it’s not easily available near me.

Also interesting but not quite topping the mangosteen was the granadilla, which is a variety of passionfruit and is sweeter and milder in flavor, but gummier and grayer in looks.  Was pretty ugly to see but tasted good.  I wouldn’t go too far out of my way to find it, but if it’s next to the mangosteens (which ARE worth finding the time to get to an Asian market) I’d pick some of them up.

Our meeting ended today and not-too-late, so I was able to get to the pool and swim, which was something I’d looked forward to since the weekend.

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of support and virtual hugs.  I bled heavily over the weekend so I’m pretty sure I completed the miscarriage (I have some testing at the end of the week to confirm).  I’m sad, but also relieved to be out of the awful limbo-land.  And ready to move on.

This week I have a few days of a meeting at a hotel, and a lot of work to catch up on, as last week I’d planned on doing a bunch of stuff that various medical appointments and my incredibly distracted mind just didn’t allow me to get to.  Most of that stuff now can’t wait any longer…

I am feeling like one of the things that will make me feel best is to take really good care of myself - eating healthy foods, cooking, dieting, exercising. I am not about to look that gift horse in the mouth or second-guess myself on this topic, so I’m going with it.

The scale is unmoved since before our vacation (at 210) and I’m setting a goal to get below 200 by the end of October. I rarely make time-based goals about my weight, but I’m really sick and tired of being solidly in this weight range, and I didn’t set a timeline that is too aggressive.

I’ll be updating more regularly again, and I think I’ll integrate my TTC (Trying To Conceive) issues into the future of my endeavors.