Round

I was going through your comments on my blog to respond to some questions I’d been asked over the past week or so, and suddenly was able to see things much more positively, thanks to looking over so many kind and encouraging remarks.

By nature and nurture, I am a perfectionist. I am extremely hard on myself, and very demanding. (As a boss professionally I try to be a bit less demanding, but it’s an effort…). As you can imagine, my self-talk is predominantly negative - what I didn’t do, what I did that I shouldn’t have, how I can improve, etc. Its very VERY rare that I say to myself “not bad” let alone “good job”.

I am so much more encouraging and understanding and forgiving to all of you than I am to myself. I try to leave comments to others to help push them on, no matter where they are. I think of it a bit like the concept of “Pay it Forward” - sending out into the universe what you want the universe to send to you. It still puzzles me that I have such a hard time having the same positive attitude towards myself.

So I’m forcing myself to copy all of your positive feedback here so I can see my accomplishments reflected through your comments.

• You are my hero right now.
• I do believe sweetie, you have figured out what Dr Hope wanted you to learn!
• I find your journey very inspiring. The dessert test was a resounding success! Well done.
• Wow! The dessert test seems to have turned out so well
• You’re doin’ fantastic - love that you’re really appreciating your food and being selective about your palate. Wonderful.
• I am enjoying reading about your food tests. Great insight.
• This is a great learning experience just reading about it!
• Well done on continuing to do so well with the dessert test!
• Proud of you!
• Your blog is really fun to read, thanks
• I love your blog. It so educational
• I am in awe of your resolve!
• Aced the dessert test! way to go
• your journey is one that will benefit us all
• you are definitely having an impact on my thoughtfulness when it comes to eating things I don’t need/like
• Your current approach to weight loss is inspiring.
• You’re journey is such an encouraging one!
• Thank you so much for sharing your journey. It’s funny how much of it is ringing true with me.
• You are a very bright and interesting person, you know… just wanted to tell you that!
• Wow, this is inspiring stuff, it really made me think.
• It is not only me, you are making so many of us think and grow and learn.

Okay, that was actually just all from the first page of comments - there are many more (and I thank you for every one!) but I think the point is made.
This was actually a hard exercise to do. I had the idea, and then as soon as I started typing I wanted to abandon it, but have forced myself to do it anyway, because I think it’s really an important thing to do.

I highly suggest you do this exercise on your own blog - look in the “comments” section of your management screen, read through, and copy a list of the things other people have said to you on your journey.

Several years ago I lost a significant amount of weight, qualifying me to join the National Weight Control Registry. I am proud of the fact that I have kept of *most* of the weight I lost, and I am proud to be a member of this group of people who have lost weight and kept it off.

So in today’s mail what do I receive, the 3-year on questionnaire. How are you doing? Where is your weight now? What are you eating? Uhhh, where is the nearest rock for me to climb under? Until 3 months ago I was EXTREMELY PROUD of having kept my weight around 185 for years. I am at my HEAVIEST right now (or heaviest in over 5 years anyway), and I pushed into a range I thought I would never see again - out of Onederland and into the 200’s. 202 to be exact (although that was 3 weeks ago, and I think the slap of reality has probably shaved a digit or two off of that).

But for research sake I completed the questionnaire, warts and all. It’s no use to the researchers to have lies, and I’m sure I’m not the only member to have had a relapse. All that info is important to them figuring out how people are (or are not) successful. And the glass can also be seen as half-full : I am still PERMANENTLY down 50 pounds.

There was one question which really made me think. My answer today was the honest truth of the past few years, but a change in the answer could be a real help for me.

“How much would a weight fluctuation of 5 lbs affect the way you live your life”

___Not at all

___Slightly

___Moderately

___Very much

Today I checked “Not at All” because reality is, I knew I was gaining and I didn’t do much about it. Because it’s only a small fluctuation.

But what if I think of my weight in 5 pound increments, and each number being a firm line to not cross over again? As soon as my weight gets into the 190-194 range, that would mean ACTION if the needle moves above 195. Not a bad way to think of it, and it should help me to maintain.

I am from a family of raging liberals but I’ve always been pretty middle-of-the road (well, compared to them, at least). But I think I’ve found an issue that just might turn me into an activist - this idiotic media-created IMPOSSIBLE image of what is supposed to be “Beautiful”.

This is a photo-montage showing Faith Hill on the cover of Redbook - from the original image to the computer-manipulated final result. Thank you, fish biscuit of Let’s Try This Again for posting this.

Startling. Disgusting. She is a talented, beautiful woman, who is photo-shopped into the media dictates of age, weight and imperfection.

I have just been reading several weight loss blogs for the past hour, and I was saddened to see how many people are beating themselves up, hating something about their bodies, feeling like failures, etc.

I’ve been there, and I honestly can’t say how I got out of that space.  I go there from time to time, but now it’s brief visits — most of the time I live in a much nicer place, more accepting.  I am FAR from perfect.  All of the negative things I could say about myself are probably true on some level - but so are all the positives, and that’s where my focus is.

So, just to put my mind in a better place (and then take a break from the computer!) here are 5 things I love about me, and forcing myself to limit to the physical :

• My eyes - my eyes are unique, on first glance they look hazel or green, but in fact they have sapphire blue rims and gold irises.
• My lips - are full and fleshy and great for kissing.  I don’t need any of those “lip plumping” glosses - my lips are naturally pouty
• My legs - are strong and well-proportioned, able to take me long distances
• My boobs -(ok, this is harder, I could also list what I DON’T like about them)… are ‘voluptuous’ and give me curves and femininity, and are quite sensual.
• My fingernails - (yes, 5 was difficult!) are healthy and clear, strong, well-shaped and help make my hands look nice.

Whew, once I got past my face that was not-so-easy, but I think it is a good exercise…  I’d like to be able to say something positive about every part of my body… maybe in the future.

I am working on building my self-esteem & self-acceptance.  Like many people I compare myself to an imagined ideal, to what could be, what I think I “should” look like.  I think it’s important to build self esteem separately from weight loss, because what you weigh is not your net worth.

Somehow, when I was a workaholic I had less trouble with this issue (or maybe I just had less time to think about it?).  I had lots of applause & approval in my professional life, so even though my body was not ideal I felt pretty good about my mind.  Now that I have managed to beat workaholism and keep work as only a part of my life, I don’t get the same kick from being told I do a good job - probably because I just don’t care that much about what I do at work.  I’m much more concerned with being a good person, a good wife, a good friend. … and, I guess, good-looking.

Recently I’ve been trying to think critically about where these ideas of what I  “should” look like come from.

I’ve found a number of sites on the internet that really help to unravel the idiotic pressure from the media, and build a better vision of reality.

There are 2 great videos to check out :

Dove “Evolution” video, where they show a normal-looking woman modeling & being transformed via technology & professionals to a knockout

Fat Rant, where a beautiful, larger woman fights for her right to not be skinny

I am not totally comfortable w the fat acceptance movement, in that they tend to deny or downplay health risks of obesity, but I do believe we need to accept beauty and health in something other than a 120-pound body.   Here are some sites that are in line w what I think is reasonable

The Campaign For Real Beauty : a ton of interesting sections, including “Real Women Have Curves”

Love Your Body Campaign : the NOW campaign on body image. Has pages of bad &  good ads, plus poster contest.

Jamie Lee Curtis without makeup, without airbrushing - from 2002, one of the first articles I read that got me thinking about how much influence the media has on how I feel about myself.  This woman is gutsy, authentic, and fabulous.

I still read women’s magazines, but less and less.  I still read fitness magazines, but I especially appreciate Self & Fitness, who put in real-size models from time to time, not just the fitness models of Shape & others.

I don’t think I’ve ever been body confident. I could critique every part of my body to the moon and back without ever pausing for breath. I’d have a hard time identifying the second-most-critiqued body part, but number one would be my belly.

Among the maligned parts are my arms, which I have kept covered almost all my life.  No strapless dresses - not for me, tank tops - nope. But this year I’ve gotten bolder, even though my arms are still the same. I wore a strapless gown for the big bash before our wedding, and my wedding dress was strapless as well. And while my arms are not svelte and toned, they don’t look all that bad in photos, so I assume they don’t look all that bad in reality.

Today on my walk I was wearing a sweater over a tank top. This is a fairly common outfit for me, with the tank or camisole peeking out in front but the arms carefully covered. But it was warmer out than I realized, and after 5 minutes of sweating I decided to take off the sweater despite my arms. It was more practical, more comfortable, and no one arrested me.

And my arms are good actually. They are capable of so much, allowing me to carry, draw, type, cook, create, garden, touch and feel.

I am someone who is both on the journey to a healthy weight, and also simultaneously living as both a victory and a failure.

My victory : I successfully and permanently lost around 60 pounds (high weight of 250+, where I lived for all of my 20’s and then some). I have successfully maintained my weight below 195 for the past 4 years. For this accomplishment, I am a member of the National Weight Control Registry.

My failure : I never achieved my ultimate weight loss goal of 150 pounds. I briefly touched 163, but quickly regained 20 pounds upon taking an international transfer with my company. Since 2004 my weight has been +/- 5 pounds of 190.

My journey : I learned a TON about weight loss & weight control over the years. I know things that work for me, and things that don’t. I don’t always put that knowledge to use. I have learned a relatively ‘healthy lifestyle’ approach that works without too much difficulty to maintain my weight at around 190. I have not been successful in shedding more than about 15-20 pounds since I’ve been in France, and each time I’ve lost, I have always regained.

My motivation : I would like to be at a lower weight for health reasons (long term disease prevention, short term back health & fertility) and also for ‘ease of living’ reasons (buying clothes in normal sizes in this country of SMALL women). I want to be happy with myself & see the beauty of myself at all sizes.

I have been fat all of my life, and have some deep-seated emotional issues around my body image & self-love. I do not think it is a coincidence that I found True Love only after I had done major work on my body — I became more confident and accepting of myself as I lost weight and kept it off, which allowed me to be open to love in my life. I am recently married.