Round

I definitely took a few baby steps last week.  I also took some side steps and a few backwards steps, but overall my steps are more moving towards where I want to go than where I’ve been concerning my weight.

The scale showed some drop vs last week, enough to be encouraging considering the number of indulgences from the weekend with the in-laws.

I haven’t been keeping up with the food diary although in part that’s due to some good habits coming in and a general idea of what I’m doing well vs not well.  Still a lot of room for improvement, but I’ve mainly chosen cereal for breakfast even when faced with much more tempting fare, ditto for coffee breaks at meetings choosing fruit, and generally reasonable lunches.  Dinner could probably use some improvement in the future, especially if I can get out of the munching-on-bread habit.

Oh, and exercise. It would be really nice to be able to get back to even infrequent but regular exercise.  Not sure when I can work that in, but thinking about it is often a first start.

I’m traveling a fair amount right now (currently in Brussels, then away for the weekend).

My sources of stress are sort of working themselves out.

For those who’ve been following me for a while, you might remember a few times I’ve talked about my current job as something I am tolerating but not loving.  I’ve been with this company for a while now (about 15 years) but took a downgrade cross-training job in sales management when I went to a local French contract because my boss and the managing director told me it was a necessary career move.  It was a move that I didn’t really want to make and a job that I knew would be a bad fit to my personality and skill set.  But I sucked it up and I’ve been at it for 18 months.  This year I’ve also had an assignment to a special task force in my company that is much closer to my interests and real skill set, and things these past few months have been tough because the time needs of the task force has been in conflict with my day job.  Well, things finally got to the boiling point this week, and the managing director decided to put me full time on the task force job, so in a few weeks I’ll be out of the sales management position.  It’s a good thing for my resume and good for my head (to be back in a place that I really enjoy and feel I can really contribute my best).  Lifestyle wise it won’t be so easy, as the task force will require a lot of travel for a while, but at least the tug-of-war and need to work around the clock should stop.

The challenge will be in working out a way to keep up with trying for a baby with a job that will require travel.  Not sure how that will sit with my new bosses, but my priorities are crystal clear, so it’s not a question of IF I’ll prioritize that way, just a question of working out HOW that will play in the real world.  DH and I have talked quite a bit, and we’re both okay with me traveling until pregnant, but then I’ll need to push my way back into the local organisation.  Since I don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant, and since the task force needs are really heavy right now and into the next 6 months, I figure it’s a good gamble both for me and for the company.  Other than saying I’ll need some extra non-travel days, I don’t plan on telling anyone what we’re trying for…

This whole job thing has been on my mind more than I’d like to admit these past several months, so it was a big relief Friday to have a clear path forward.  Now I’ll pretty much be back to needing to eat healthy on the road - something I did really successfully in 2002.

This weekend’s eating? Well, dessert three times… But not too bad choices other than that. We’ll let it go, and focus on this week.

I have had a good few days.  I have eaten normally, I kept track of my calories (for the most part).  I am feeling like I’m back in control (or heading there anyway).

I am deeply, severely committed to doing this managing my weight ( or at least stopping the gain at this point) thing in a way that is low stress.  I have enough stress in my life without adding dieting to it, but I think I can start to draw on all these many years of dieting and weight watching (even when not losing) and take some of what works, turn it lower-stress, and throw out the rest.  Well, that’s my hope.

Some of what has worked in the past for me is keeping a food diary because it keeps me more aware of what I’m eating, and just the act of writing it down makes me make better choices.  So right now, I’m doing it zen.  That is, I do keep the diary but I don’t do anything with it, and I won’t keep old data.  Yesterday I didn’t input dinner because it didn’t matter.  I am kind of pushed this way by the software I’m using, which tells me my calorie limit (and can’t be changed by the user). Normally this would stress me out, but since I can’t change it, I’m just rolling with it, since I consider 1000 calories a day to be neither healthy nor desirable for me.  So knowing I’ll be going over every day by at least 500 cals (and probably more) makes me look at it just as a recorder of my day to keep me on track, help me see if I’m low in dairy etc.  It’s working for me, instead of the other way around — cool and liberating.

And then yesterday’s challenge.  That beautiful 3 chocolate cake in the picture? From one of the top bakeries in Paris, Dalloyau.  Brought into a meeting yesterday to celebrate a dear colleague’s birthday.  And I had a peice, with total enjoyment and no guilt. (Thank you Dr Hope!)  No worries about being “off” a diet, not wondering if this will send me into a tailspin, etc.  I took a small peice (and a chess peice, they’re made of high-quality chocolate!) and savored every bite.  Come lunchtime there was a chocolate dessert in the lunch that I took one bite of and quickly realized it was less good than the cake from Dalloyau.  I thought to myself that if I was going to have more sweets I’d have another slice of the good one (most of the people did that, by the way).  But I wanted a clementine first, and by the time I was done with that chocolate was no longer really necessary and I realized I was perfectly satisfied with what I’d already had so I stopped.

I’m feeling optimistic and in control.  Not deprived, not stressed (well, not about my weight anyway). If I can keep having days like this I think I’m on the right path.

I’ve been on the 3FC blogs for a while now, and during that time I’ve seen MANY people stop blogging, and several of the consistent, committed bloggers just stop blogging, often taking down their blog completely.  Other than going off their diet, obviously, I’ve never really understood why.

Now I do, because for a part of me it seems like the best option too.

It’s not what I’m going to do - I like the idea of seeing people struggle through thick and thin and still put up the fight.  For years I’ve listened to a podcast of a guy struggling w his weight where he’s done just that - sometimes doing great and getting to goal, sometimes buried under mountains of cookies, and it’s probably the most inspiring of all the stories of weight loss I’ve followed over the years because he’s (usually) still working at it, and doesn’t have a easy, magical time of it, which I think is more reflective of the real world.

So, what’s happening with me?

• I’m not exercising (although we did join the new gym, but I’ve only been once, tsk tsk)
• I’m working like a dog, which is not my usual workload and is not really preventable, and this is likely to last another month or so.  I’m no slacker at work in the best of times, but this is really a lot, a level I haven’t been willing to do for years.  I’m in a job I dislike which has some hard deadlines these past few weeks and upcoming ones, doubled by a part-time assignment for my company (which I do like) which is a huge visible project and what we need to get done is enormous, we’re a small group working on it, and the deadlines are falling at the same time.  “Working all the time” lately has meant  getting up at 6 to work, being in meetings all day, working for several hours at night, and repeating this cycle all week sleeping around midnight, maybe with 3 hours discretionary time during the week, and another 3 the weekend, where I’ve been also working constantly for 3 weeks now.  Frankly, I’m sick of it, and I’m not screaming and shouting because I know I’ve made the halfway mark now.
• Because of the above I have not had time to be on the internet much, so not reading blogs, not writing them either…
• I switched phones in Sept and got the iPhone, which I thought would help make my blog postings more regular, but in truth it’s been the opposite.  You can’t update the 3FC blog from the iPhone.  I now do read the NYTimes and a few other of my regular sites from the iPhone so my need to go on a “real” computer daily has diminished, reducing the time I spend surfing the net in general.
• I’ve been eating badly and in a cycle of no-exercise, crap-eating, scale-avoiding.  We all know what that means — GAIN.  So I’m mad at myself, disappointed in myself about that.  And of course because of the work situation, regular gym time continues to be impossible I keep putting off doing anything about it, undoubtably compounding the problem.
• I think I fell into a small depression with the ectopic pregnancy.  My body is just now getting back to normal, and the abnormality was really bothering me.  The situation is sad, and I spent several weeks being very sad, crying a lot, etc.  Probably a normal phase of grief, but still, a lot of sadness.  Of course my comfort solution of choice is food… I guess it could be worse, it could be drugs or alcohol.  One of the upsides of my work situation is that it’s forced me out of that pity party, and my daily outlook is much more positive.

So I have lots and lots of excuses, but the bottom line, and the reason I won’t quit the blog is this :

I want to lose weight.

And just doing nothing isn’t working to accomplish that.  I’m not in a rush to do it, I’m not going to be able to get to the gym regularly for another 3-5 weeks, but that doesn’t mean I need to gain weight.  I feel tired and bloated and yucky, and there are some things that won’t take time but could make me feel better.

My clothing situation is getting dangerous again - I only fit in a small set of my wardrobe, and I have clear nightmares of how awful buying my-sized clothes in Paris is.  I’d really REALLY like to avoid going through that again, or at a minimum have it be my last time (not sure if I can really wait on a few items).

Just writing this makes me feel better.

I’m coming out of denial, and that’s going to count as the first step.

I have been a bad blogger and a bad dieter. I haven’t gone crazy, I just have been on “regular” mode for a while now. My weight is undoubtably stable. Even better news is that most of the time my emotional state is stable too.

I’ve been waiting for dieting inspiration to find me again. Toying with the idea of forcing myself to diet without the inspiration, but that seems just too miserable.

I am starting to think that just maybe the waiting is going to work. My inquiry into the new gym found a small and high-class joint only 5 min from home, and open very good hours. Mixed with the occaisional trip to the pool it could be a very good choice. It’s expensive, but that’s not my biggest deterrent — I’m much more worried about making the decision to get back into losing weight, knowing that will be a schedule challenge (not an excuse, just reality).

I’ve also been enjoying the fruits and veggies a lot, cooking some with my stepson (who is easily tricked into thinking a few spoonfuls of sugar are a huge indulgence).

Maybe the biggest “CLICK” came this week when I read this article in the New York Times.  Last year my work with Dr Hope was exactly in this direction, and it was incredibly interesting. I have done a lot more cooking this test than in the past, and I do think in general it’s helped me have a better appreciation of food.

No decisions yet, but I’m hoping the general reasonableness of the past few weeks eating can morph into a real weight loss program focused on ENJOYING food, adding good ffos in, and, yes, regular exercise.

Thank you all so much for the outpouring of support and virtual hugs.  I bled heavily over the weekend so I’m pretty sure I completed the miscarriage (I have some testing at the end of the week to confirm).  I’m sad, but also relieved to be out of the awful limbo-land.  And ready to move on.

This week I have a few days of a meeting at a hotel, and a lot of work to catch up on, as last week I’d planned on doing a bunch of stuff that various medical appointments and my incredibly distracted mind just didn’t allow me to get to.  Most of that stuff now can’t wait any longer…

I am feeling like one of the things that will make me feel best is to take really good care of myself - eating healthy foods, cooking, dieting, exercising. I am not about to look that gift horse in the mouth or second-guess myself on this topic, so I’m going with it.

The scale is unmoved since before our vacation (at 210) and I’m setting a goal to get below 200 by the end of October. I rarely make time-based goals about my weight, but I’m really sick and tired of being solidly in this weight range, and I didn’t set a timeline that is too aggressive.

I’ll be updating more regularly again, and I think I’ll integrate my TTC (Trying To Conceive) issues into the future of my endeavors.

Well, I have had good intentions of continuing to exercise but it’s met the road of reality and nothing much has happened. It’s going to take some serious effort on my part to be able to exercise during the work week - my days are too hectic. I should have gotten my act together Monday, as I knew it was my only really sure day, but I felt lazy after 3 days in a row (from a base of nothing) so I took it off. The rest of the week has been the usual crazy stuff. Getting out of meetings at 9pm or getting stuck in the suburbs for a  teleconference that I’d hoped to have from home (and therefore getting home 2 1/2 hours later).

The strange thing is how much I missed exercise. I haven’t exercised for a LONG time but somehow after 3 days I missed it already. Well, I at least took advantages of opportunities to walk a bit more than usual, getting in an extra 15 - 30 minutes each day. I was counting on going to the pool on Friday evening but I just found out the pool is closed for a few days before opening for summer hours on Saturday, so tomorrow might or might not be an alternative form of exercise…

In any event, although exercise hasn’t been there, it’s been missed, and that itself is a big move forward.

There is one really good thing to have come out of the past 10 days downspin - I feel like I’ve come back to exercise. Having avoided most exercise for about a year, this is a major milestone.

A few weeks back I did an exercise of what I want my life to be like in the future (at a healthy weight) and I was surprised to see how much active lifestyle stuff was on that list. Things like going hiking, riding a bike, feeling up for impromtu exercise opportunities are all things I consider healthy people to do routinely. Add to that a discussion I had with a cardiologist who was very point-blank about the health benefits of exercise being totally separate from weight loss (not the calories-in, calories-out equation) and things were churning away in my head for a while on this topic.

It reminds me of when I started at the gym during my Big Loss — when I first met with the trainer she asked me how often I was planning to work out and my response of 20 min 2x a week was met with a firm response that it needed to be a LOT more to have much impact - 45 min cardio, 4 times a week is what she said. And she did scare me away for a while, I think it took 2 1/2 more months before I started to exercise, but when I did it, I did it, and the results were there. I needed a lot of time to think about it before I took action then, and I guess I did now too. A few weeks back I wrote about some of the reasons I’ve resisted exercise, and all of those remain true - but of course simple laziness is the number one reason!

But the bottom line is that for my health and my weight and my mental well being I am coming back to exercise. I’ve always felt better about myself when I’m exercising, and I’m giving it a big push for this summer.

What am I going to do? A lot of things, but what I’m not going to do is re-join the gym right now. I’m going to get a Velib card for renting bikes here in Paris. I’m going to check out bike paths that I can get to without getting killed on the city streets for my own bike (which is much comfier!). I’m going to keep going to the pool, keep going on walks. I’m going to dust off the elliptical machine and use that from time to time. I might whip out a DVD or two. I’m basically going to mix it up. This summer I hope to go hiking a lot - it won’t be too much, since I’m really out of shape, but just moving will be really good for me, body and soul.

I’ve decided to keep track via a minutes goal is in increments of 500 minutes, which I’ll also track to follow how long it takes me to achieve each set of 500 minutes. I’m pasting the ticker here, but it’s at 220 minutes right now.

500 Minutes of Exercise tracking :

• 1st set : June 27th - ???

Since last Fall I also started tracking my walking by working on a virtual walk to Bilbao (in Spanish Basque Country). There is a small amount of cheating (or creativity, if you will) - I count every 15 minutes of walking as one mile (which is not always the case). For this I’m picking up the ticker from where I left off -all other tickers have been reset to zero, but I haven’t been totally sedentary these past few months - this sucker was stuck at 192 for quite a while - but 192 miles is nothing to laugh at either!

Look for more Walking to Bilbao pitstops in coming weeks.

Well, my “think it over” phase was longer than I’d wanted and came with a small backslide (up 2 pounds), but has left me full of new ways to approach this weight-loss lifestyle with peace and enjoyment.

Sandra Ahten has a great approach to falling off the wagon - that our goal should not be to avoid those times altogether, but to have them be less frequent, less long and less deep. I think I’ve made progress on all fronts with this 10-day slipup. Other than a few noteworthy sessions with bread and butter or vanilla ice cream, the overeating wasn’t crazy, and the veggies, water and fruit were still present.

I’m not trying to lose for a wedding or specific date, and for me SANITY is much more important than rapid weight loss, so I’m not expecting big losses every week. But no accountability is dangerous too - very easy to gain.

That’s why I think that following my measurements would be a better choice for now. My real ultimate goal is not a number on a scale, it’s a size I want to wear, and sizes = inches, not pounds.

Ok, so here is today’s starting point (I’ve always weighed in on Mondays because it helps me focus over the weekends, so I’ll keep to Monday check-ins).

I’m measuring my belly because that’s my biggest problem area.

I’m measuring in centimeters because I live in France and couldn’t find a measuring tape in Imperial measurements. The added bonus to that is that I have no emotional attachments to numbers in centimeters that I do in inches (that stupid song with “36-24-36″ is popping into my head!). One added bonus - my tape measure is totally portable so it can come with me on vacation (which my scale cannot).

Since my belly is my focus and I know measurement to be inherently tricky to get right I am measuring 3 spots on my belly - my natural waist, the lower bulging part of my belly, and the upper part (biggest part between my natural waist and where my bra sits.

Here’s the starting point :

• Upper belly : 102
• Wasit : 99.5
• Lower belly : 120

After months and months of not exercising,  I have to say it feels really good to be a little sore today.

My legs are stiff, my back hurts a little in all kinds of places, my belly is tender - all of it clearly muscle pain, all of it related to the fact that I have finally broken the inert freeze I’ve been in.

Yesterday I went out for a long walk, exercise-style, and realized after a few minutes that I needed to pick up the pace from my normal one if I was to call it exercise - which I did, and was walking at a considerably faster clip than usual for an hour.

I am needing to get a move on right now to get to the pool this morning before it gets too crowded.  How’s that for a change of pace, usually my Sunday mornings are all about lazing around!

Still, I’m not pushing myself too hard - a little sore is fine and hard to avoid when you start moving, but I don’t want to be worse than this, so I’ll keep my pool time today to 30 minutes again to make sure I don’t overdo it.

Thanks so much for the cheers - I really appreciate them!