Round

I saw Dr Hope just before leaving for the holidays. I’ll sum up the holidays by saying only that I was not doing anything I should have. No food diary, and when there is no food diary it means things are BAD. I went for one very short walk, I had a few servings of fruit, but it was not a weight-loss or weight-management few days by any stretch of the imagination. I wasn’t off to a great start yesterday morning either, but luckily didn’t let a slightly exaggerated breakfast become an excuse for torching the whole day, and by the afternoon had actually pushed myself out the door for a short walk. So - all is forgiven, now back on track.

I began my discussion w Dr Hope on the Pizza Test where my lessons apparently were learned correctly - a food like any other. I then talked to her about my self-designed Dessert Test and she was very pleased, and again seemed to think I’d done quite well.

She did, however, ask me if I’d cut back at other parts of the meal, knowing I was having dessert. And there the answer is no. I’ve been enjoying this “I can eat anything” diet too much. I like paying attention to the pleasure aspect of my food - that I’m pretty good at. But the truth is I am eating “anything” and not paying much attention to the fact that I want to lose weight.

Enter Dr Hope…. The aspects of the Dr Hope approach are basically as follows :

• You can eat anything. No food is off limits. You can have cake for breakfast and bacon for dessert if thats what you really want.
• Enjoy what you eat
• Eat when hungry
• Eat to the point of satisfaction (not FULLNESS)

Probably there will be more, but for now it’s pretty much that. Dessert tests & Pizza tests teach you in fact you can really eat anything. There are no “bad” foods, no “good” foods.

Enjoying your food is a question of paying attention. Slowing down. Concentrating. Being able to separate “so-so” from “spectacular”. Eventually, being demanding about what you eat - only eating the very good things, and leaving the rest behind. I’m making some progress on this, but there is still a good ways to go - more often than not I eat out of habit, not taking the mental energy to focus on the pleasure.

The last 2 items, paying attention to my hunger, and eating to satisfaction, I am VERY BAD at. Again, I’ve made some progress, but we’re coming from 0% on this one, so occasional semi-attention isn’t much progress.

Dr Hope gave me some more structure for these, which will help (especially if I start to put them to use, which I haven’t done since I’d seen her, as we left for the holidays just after my appointment).

What I’m supposed to do now :

• Stop for a pause in the middle of each meal. Set down the silverware. Don’t eat for a minute or two. Evaluate your hunger that remains. Then continue.
• Try to not finish everything on your plate.
• Pay attention to being relaxed while eating.
• Pay attention to portions.

Ok, I’m admitting here that I’m not even going to try to deal w the portion issue right away. The relaxation thing I can handle, it seems to come pretty naturally when I focus on evaluating the pleasure I’m getting from the foods, so that’s do-able.

The others will be HARD, however.

Stop in the middle of a meal. Yikes.

Evaluate how much hunger remains. Double yikes.

Try to leave something on the plate. I’ve worked on this from time to time since September (when I read “Mindless Eating”). Even with effort I find this hard, but it is do-able, and it is a great feeling for me to see something left over.

There you have it, my next set of challenges. I’m going to change my journal document to incorporate this already, that should help keep me focused.

Dessert Test 7 :

The Situation : Same buffet lunch again. Now on the 4th day I think we’d finally seen all the dessert choices. Sat w colleagues I like again.

The Dessert : I really didn’t feel like dessert, so I decided to take two clementines and call it good, but there was a really pretty apple tart that had been there the first day, and it was cut into quarters, from about a 6 inch diameter so one quarter was pretty small… So I grabbed that too.

The Analysis : I started w the apple tart, and ate one bite of the whole thing - way too sweet, one bite of the apple part only - way too sweet, and left the rest. The clemetines were delicious - very sweet and juicy. I could have eaten more than two in fact, but didn’t want to get up for ’seconds’ on dessert in front of my colleagues, and after a few minutes I didn’t want more anyway. At home I’d have had at least one more…

I am very glad the Dessert Test is over, and I’m glad I did it. Giving myself a REQUIREMENT to have dessert at every meal helped to demystify sweets for me. I also found that I ate small portions, and stopped when I didn’t like something most of the time, leaving some part of the dessert on my plate almost every time I ate. That alone is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT for me, as I normally clean my plate completely out of habit.

It’s clear that all of the desserts probably added calories to the days, but I was eating much less than I would if I was “off” a diet in freestyle eating. I approached the dessert buffet with the mindset of choosing what ONE I really wanted (whereas when not dieting I’d probably have taken a little bit of several).

Most importantly, I didn’t have any stress around it. It was controlled eating without any feeling of deprivation. How could I feel deprived? Not only was I eating some dessert, I knew I would have dessert again, so no need to “take my share” of something I didn’t like thinking it was a “rare treat”.

I had a strange and rare constant grazing thing in the late afternoon and evening upon returning home from my meeting. I don’t know if it’s tied to stress around my job, holidays or what, but I ate and ate in an unsatisfied but continuous way for about an hour. Definitely not aligned with either hunger nor a weight loss objective. Nothing catastrophic, and I’m hesitant to call it a ‘binge’ but clearly overeating and I felt badly about it both when I was doing it, and afterwards. It’s done now. Behind me, over. I forgive myself, and I’m moving on.

Dessert Test 5 :

The Situation : Another buffet lunch at the hotel, again new desserts present.

The Dessert : I spent a lot of time looking over the choices before noticing a half a peice of some powdered-sugar dusted cake with a cream and raspberry filling. I took that small piece (about 2 inches square) and some of the fromage blanc and a big apple.

The Analysis : I ate the fromage blanc first, it was really good. Next the sugar-dusted cake, which was sugar-loaded. Way too sweet when I ate a bit as it came, I picked off the top and the bottom and ate just the filing. On the last bite I realized it was too sweet too. Very disappointing. The apple, however was great. Crunchy, crisp, sweet. On a normal day (not a Dessert Test day) I’d have taken a whole peice of the sugar cake and eaten it too, probably never stopping to think about if it was good or not. And I’d have missed the apple.

Dessert Test 6 :

The Situation : Dinner at hotel, buffet style but festive. Seated next to the division head, but he’s a nice guy and I’m not easily spooked by management, so I was relaxed and ok. I’m really sick of the business meals, however. I dislike the forced fake socializing, and while I can do it once in a while without a problem, 8 meals in a row, plus coffee breaks and cocktail hours it’s grating on my last nerve now…

The Dessert : Another buffet choice, but I wasn’t very hungry at the end. I was really hoping there would be fresh fruit, because even w a Dessert Test in place that’s what I wanted. No dice. I selected a “chocolat miroir” which was a half-sphere chocolate thing, dusted in cocoa and topped w a tiny square of dark chocolate. It turned out to be a type of chocolate mousse and in the very center there were some strips of candied orange.

Analysis : It was quite rich, good creamy texture, light and airy mousse although a bit too sweet. The orange was a nice contrast. I ate about 25% of it, then I’d had enough and left it. My colleagues had taken other things and were not very happy w them, and I passed the rest of my dessert around the table and everyone thought it was better than what they’d taken. Bonus - it was also out of my reach while we sat at the table listening to a boring speech - so no ability to keep eating it just because it was there!

I wasn’t expecting to say this already at dessert 6, but I’m glad the Dessert Test is almost over. I’m not finding them such a treat, more like a normal part of a meal, and thus, less magical, less forbidden, less special, and most importantly, less attractive.

Dessert Test 3 :

The Situation : buffet lunch again.  Our team was very late to the lunch, again, and I was overly hungry (having had breakfast at 7:30, just tea at the break, and lunch at 1:30).  There were no tables left so we had to jump on one that was abandoned, where my former boss (whom I dislike) was sitting.  

The Dessert : The buffet looked pretty much like Monday’s, but with new choices.  Choice is so dangerous.  I took a small serving (maybe 2 tablespoons) of creme caramel and snagged a very pretty red berry spongecake tart because the berries were fresh and yummy looking.  I also grabbed a clementine because I consider fruit free. 

The Analysis :  The creme caramel turned out to have coconut in it, which ruined the smooth creamy texture that I like, and was too sweet. Still, having taken so little, I finished it.  The tart I had the sense to taste the sponge cake, and it wasn’t so great, so I ate the inside which turned out to be some type of sweetened whipped cream topped w fruit puree and then the berries.  Very yummy.  The best of all, however, was the clementine.  Sometimes citrus fruit is just so-so, and sometimes it’s a sweet juicy explosion in your mouth.  I got lucky and this one was super.

I know that being at the table w my ex-boss increased my anxiety a bit, and I found I ate the whole meal faster than usual and not paying much attention to my food (which I’ve done a pretty good job on lately).  Maybe the lesson is never to eat near my former boss again?  Or  more reasonably, to try not to let social anxiety dictate how I eat. 

Dessert Test 4 :

The Situation : Another seated served dinner at another hotel.  At the table with colleagues,  half I like, another half I don’t know very well.

The Dessert :  A rich almond cake topped with a vanilla cream and raspberries. 

The Analysis :  Took one bite of the total cake to taste it, then ate just the cream and raspberries.  The cake just wasn’t that good.  The whole dessert didn’t appeal to me, but the berries looked good (and the cream was stuck to them when I picked them off).

I’ve gotten some great comments recently & I’ll incorporate a response to some of them into the Dessert Test wrap-up post.  If you’ve got questions to ask me, here’s your chance!

Thanks for all the comments encouraging me to go ahead w the Dessert Test.  No pics this time - I don’t want to explain to 200 colleagues that I’m taking pics of my plate for my weight loss blog…

Dessert Test 1 :

The Situation : buffet lunch - our team arrived late, there was very little left of lunch, I ate fast but healthy, filling up on the turkey & salad. 

The Dessert : Headed to the dessert buffet where there were lemon tarts, apple tart, clafoutis (a type of flan), fruit, chocolate mousse and a few other pretty pastries.  There was also “fromage blanc” which is a kind of yogurt-like thing (less tangy & sour) and a raspberry coulis.  I took the fromage blanc and put some raspberry coulis on it, and took a slice of the apple tart. 

The Analysis : One bite of the apple tart was all I needed - very industrial tasting, with a creamy filling under the apples that tasted like chemicals or plastic.  I did eat the fromage blanc (which is healthy and something I eat routinely anyway).  I think knowing I’m going to have dessert each time made me say to myself there is nothing magic in this - and if it’s not great I won’t eat it.  If I was in my usual thing of “only dessert this once” I probably would have loaded up my plate w the most sugary stuff (not the fromage blanc) and eaten all of it even if it wasn’t good.

Dessert Test 2 :

The Situation : Served dinner at hotel, which lasted 2 1/2 hours.  Starter, main dish, cheese, dessert, coffee.  Seated at a table w people I know and like, decent conversation. 

The Dessert : Three parts on one plate, and not a small dessert plate either, probably 9 inches.  On it was a 2 1/2 inch diameter 3-layer chocolate mousse (dark, milk and white chocolates) topped with a few chopped pecans.  This was sitting on a vanilla cream sauce, and next to it was a medium-sized scoop of deep dark chocolate ice cream.

The Analysis :  I was expecting more icky industrial fare, but this was actually good.  The mousse was very sweet and the novelty of tasting the 3 different chocolates in one bite soon ran out, and I stopped eating after about 1/3.  I didn’t touch the vanilla cream, as it didn’t look homemade, and also didn’t seem to add anything to the rest of the desserts.  The ice cream, however, was excellent.  Really rich dark chocolate flavor, and dark chocolate chips throughout.  I love ice cream and almost never have it at home (because I’d eat it all very fast).  Because it was so rich it was very satisfying, and I took small bites and let them melt in my mouth to really savor it.  I managed to leave one spoonful on my plate which I am pretty proud of.

I’d judge this effort so far a success.  At dinner, knowing I’d at least taste the dessert, I only ate what I liked, which turned out not to be much.  I didn’t care for the veal, nor the sauce, and even the green beans had that odd freezer taste to them.  There was too much pepper on the tomato, so I ended up mainly eating the side of potatoes.  One nice thing about France for dinners like this is that there is almost always cheese, so you will find protein later if you don’t eat your meat.  Only one of the 3 cheeses was to my liking (about an ounce of a goat’s cheese) and so even with the dessert included it wasn’t a calorie-killer meal.

Tomorrow lunch should be the same basic thing as today, and dinner will be another sit-down affair, only this time at a table w people I’m not crazy about and don’t know well.  Will I hide my social anxiety in my plate?  Tune in tomorrow to find out…

Given the success of the Pizza Test, I’m wondering if I should put myself on a “dessert test” for this coming week. I’m in a 4 day offsite meeting, staying in a big chain hotel where there is a buffet lunch and seated dinners (probably one restaurant dinner too). I’ll be faced with dessert 7 times in total. What if I decide to have dessert 7 times? 

Often my approach at meetings like this is to tell myself that I can have dessert once or twice in the 4 days. My choice as to when and what, but limiting the times (I don’t count fruit).

But what if I decided now to have dessert 7 times? Will I be less anxious about it? Will I listen more to my hunger and maybe have just one bite and leave the rest alone? Will I eat chocolate mousse, AND the lemon tart, AND the napoleon AND the custard in the same meal, and go on to repeat that 7 times?

Somehow I’m feeling that giving myself permission to have dessert every day, at every meal, is going to be better progress than the rationing out of sugar.

I’m still sticking to fruit only at coffee breaks, however - I’m not ready to go crazy yet!

The context of the 4th day of Pizza Test was different - a big manic family meal, with my DH, brother in law, my stepson and his friend. The other nights it’s been a string of rather rare solitary evenings, with my DH working late each night. I, of course, was having pizza, and soon everyone decided they wanted pizza, and my DH & brother in law both wanted pepperoni like me. I insisted on having my OWN pizza for the Pizza Test aspect, so instead of a large we bought two smalls. Plus 2 other pizzas on the table for the kids & my DH - so variety enters in for the first time in Pizza Test land. I only ate the pepperoni, but I did have an urge to eat some of each, which probably would have resulted in me eating more overall.

BEFORE :AFTER:
• The meal is the pizza : Sort of. I only ate pizza but I knew there would be dessert later, my husband brought home desserts from a new neighborhood bakery…
• Pay attention to your hunger : Yes, but less clear than the other nights. The mania of the 2 kids, me running late from work, needing to get dinner done by a certain time…. Just less reflective than I am when I’m alone. Not that eating alone is a preferred option, but it’s probably helpful to bear in mind.
• Pay attention to your pleasure : A 1 1/2 on a scale of 3. It was kinda cold. The crust was greasy. Not enough sauce. The pepperoni was really good, however.
• Pay attention to your satisfaction : I was glad to have pepperoni, anything else would have been off. I was also glad to find it wasn’t as good as I had hoped, so I don’t think I’ll develop deep cravings for pepperoni pizza here. I did eat w a knife and fork (and by consequence the adults followed my example), and it did help me not just wolf the food down.
• Try to stop before it’s all gone : Ok. I noticed that a lot of my eating was kind of “keeping pace” with the others. I did feel like eating more pepperoni even after I wasn’t too hungry and I ate just the top of one piece (see the naked one?). I didn’t measure it or use the same plate, but I’m pretty sure this pizza was a little bigger than the others, and I ate more of it.
• Any other comments? Do you see the disgusting grease stains from under the pizza in the “After” photo? That’s the Pizza Hut difference, nauseating, who needs oil on the bottom of the classic crust? The really gross thing was the “double cheesy crust” that we got for the kids. We all felt the Pizza Hut pizzas tasted really chemical and artificial. Chain restaurants are blissfully few in Paris, and almost everywhere food is prepared from real ingredients, not industrial dry mixes and bulk-processed corporate kitchens. Pizza Hut may be about the only pepperoni in Paris, but it won’t be a regular pizza in our house.

The Pizza Test exercise was to have pizza every day for 4 days, and I could have it more if I wanted it. At the beginning I thought I’d try to go through the end of the week and also have pizza on Friday (which would have been day 5) but on Friday I just couldn’t face pizza again, so I didn’t force it.

I’m guessing I won’t crave pizza for a while after this. I’m also guessing I’ll never feel the need to eat a whole pizza by myself again. And that if I’m wanting pizza (after a few months!) I’ll just have it, knowing I can control it.

NOTE : I’ll do one final post on Pizza Test after I see Dr Hope (in a week).

Due to the various comments - either “eww, egg on pizza, yuck!” or “now I’m craving pizza after reading your blog” I decided to put days 2 & 3 of the Pizza Test together into one post (but I still want your comments ).

Day 2 : Tuesday Dec 11

Before :
After :

• The meal is the pizza : um… sort of. I only ate the pizza at first, but I’ve been dying for fruit and wasn’t hungry for a snack before dinner, so I did have fruit about an hour after the pizza
• Pay attention to your hunger : I’d say my hunger was moderate, a 4 on a 6 point scale
• Pay attention to your pleasure : Today’s pizza wasn’t great at all. Not enough sauce. Mushrooms dry and icky. Beef with no flavor, no spices. Cheese tasted kind of gummy to me. This pizza is the reason we’d decided to stop going to the pizza place just down the street, but yesterday’s was also from there and it was good. Tomorrow I have to get pizza from somewhere else. I’d give it a 1 of 3 on the pleasure scale.
• Pay attention to your satisfaction : I ate a bit more than I really wanted because I kept thinking of the rule “the pizza is the meal” and I didn’t want to be hungry later. That, my friends, is called “stocking” and is not a good thing. I finally quit eating when I told myself I’d just break the rule and eat something else later if I’m hungry again. Ta da! I put the fork down.
• Try to stop before it’s all gone : No problem there. I’d have been hard pressed to finish this pizza actually. I didn’t even eat many crusts, and normally I love crusts.
• Any other comments? The quality of this pizza was a big factor in my lack of satisfaction. I was kind of wanting pepperoni but it’s not French, so the only place I can get it is Pizza Hut, and they have big pizzas not individual ones. I should have just gotten a small and been done with it. Tomorrow I’m making sure I have what I want, not just going down the street. At one moment I cut off a slice and picked it up in my hands, then remembered the comments I got about what a good idea it was to use the knife and fork, so I put it down and ate it the civilized and slow way. All this thinking is exhausting!

Day 3 : Wednesday Dec 12

Before :

After :

• The meal is the pizza : Yep, ate only the pizza. Had herbal tea in the evening after, but no more food.
• Pay attention to your hunger : I was pretty hungry, a 5 on a scale of 6. I ate around 9pm
• Pay attention to your pleasure : I’d give it a 2 of 3 on the pleasure scale. Tonight I went out to a restaurant for pizza, because I couldn’t face the place near our house again. When the pizza first arrived I thought “uh-oh, this is MUCH better than the pizza at home, I bet I’ll eat a whole lot more.” But actually the first few bites were by far the best. As it went on, it became just another pizza. Although I did like the sausage…
• Pay attention to your satisfaction : I felt pretty hungry and so I dug in pretty hard at first. I got myself to slow down and chew a few times, and a few times I put my fork down. You’ll notice that I ate more crusts today - they were crispy and browned as I like ‘em. I thought I had stopped in time, but half a hour after eating I was too full.
• Try to stop before it’s all gone : Ok. I didn’t want the rest of the pizza but I did want more sausage, so I ate the slices remaining on the rest of the pizza. I wonder if I’d have done that a few minutes earlier if I’d have stopped eating sooner. I think in all 3 cases I ate 2/3 of the pizza, when I look at the pics the plates look pretty uniform to me.
• Any other comments? It was kind of fun to be at a restaurant by myself doing this homework. (My DH had a dinner meeting). I got a few strange looks as I took pics at the table for my before and after shots, but I thought it made the blog a bit more fun.

I have one more day left of Pizza Test. One more day seems like plenty.

My first Pizza Test day was Monday.

Before I tell you how I did, I suppose I should review why I’m doing this pizza test, what I’m expecting to learn, and the basic rules.

I am seeing a nutritionist (not just a dietitian but a full-fledged doctor in this country). She appears to be something of an expert on behavioral approaches to food, and is really guiding me in that way. I call her Dr Hope. She prescribed this Pizza Test for me 2 weeks ago, but due to stomach flu I had to put it off one week. The idea is to be confronted with your taboo foods, and I suspect I’ll learn to de-mystify them, and realize I need to pay attention to my hunger with even favorite foods. And that the pleasure of a food is probably related to not having too much of it.

The rules :

• The meal is the pizza. That means no side salad, no side veggies. No dessert.
• Pay attention to your hunger
• Pay attention to your pleasure
• Pay attention to your satisfaction
• Try to stop before it’s all gone (Here in Europe pizzas are individual size - about 12 inches in diameter. You can eat a whole one but it’s a good amount of food. I usually eat the whole thing…. If you were doing this in the States you’d either have an x-tra small or maybe half a medium for the same baseline.)

For today’s Pizza Test, I chose Paysanne (country style) with ham, sauteed onions and egg

Rather than tell you how I did, let me start by showing you :
BEFORE :
AFTER :

My Report :

• The meal is the pizza : ok, I ate pizza only. I would have liked a fruit for dessert.
• Pay attention to your hunger : I was very hungry. A 5 on a 6 point scale.
• Pay attention to your pleasure : I found the eggy parts very good (egg is relatively common on pizza in Europe. If you like sunny-side up fried eggs you’d like it, otherwise it’s not for you). I’d give it a 2 of 3 on the pleasure scale.
• Pay attention to your satisfaction : I was pretty satisfied pretty early, and that surprised me, because I usually eat more than this being less hungry.
• Try to stop before it’s all gone : No problem on this. In fact, see that little piece cut apart? I was going to eat that but I stopped, I decided I didn’t need it.
• Any other comments? Yes. I ate this pizza on a proper plate and with a knife and fork instead of my hands. I think that made a big difference, because it slowed me down and made it more civilized. When I had pizza a week ago I ate it in slices with my hands. And I ate a lot more, and faster.

I also was very aware that I’ll be having pizza for several days now. Knowing I’ll be having more and more was plenty to put me off overdoing it. In fact, an hour or so later, I felt uncomfortably full, so maybe I did overdo it. But in the real world there are precious few foods that we can never have again - you can always have more of something another time, the world won’t end if you don’t eat 3 slices of Aunt Darla’s Heavenly Cheesecake this holiday season. She’ll still make it next year. And you can find a decent recipe anywhere if the craving strikes again.

The other thing that I think helped me was having one pizza all to myself. No sharing. My DH wasn’t even home when I ate. I could eat what I want without feeling the need to “defend my turf” and eat “my share”.

Finally, before the Pizza Test I decided to try, for the first time, a Walk Away the Pounds DVD. I did 20 minutes, just over 1 mile. But moving my butt a little was enough to curb my desire to stuff myself afterwards. I didn’t exercise for that reason, but it did help (I did it to try to find a way to exercise despite crummy weather, and I think the DVD will be a good option for me this winter).