Round

I have been a bad blogger and a bad dieter. I haven’t gone crazy, I just have been on “regular” mode for a while now. My weight is undoubtably stable. Even better news is that most of the time my emotional state is stable too.

I’ve been waiting for dieting inspiration to find me again. Toying with the idea of forcing myself to diet without the inspiration, but that seems just too miserable.

I am starting to think that just maybe the waiting is going to work. My inquiry into the new gym found a small and high-class joint only 5 min from home, and open very good hours. Mixed with the occaisional trip to the pool it could be a very good choice. It’s expensive, but that’s not my biggest deterrent — I’m much more worried about making the decision to get back into losing weight, knowing that will be a schedule challenge (not an excuse, just reality).

I’ve also been enjoying the fruits and veggies a lot, cooking some with my stepson (who is easily tricked into thinking a few spoonfuls of sugar are a huge indulgence).

Maybe the biggest “CLICK” came this week when I read this article in the New York Times.  Last year my work with Dr Hope was exactly in this direction, and it was incredibly interesting. I have done a lot more cooking this test than in the past, and I do think in general it’s helped me have a better appreciation of food.

No decisions yet, but I’m hoping the general reasonableness of the past few weeks eating can morph into a real weight loss program focused on ENJOYING food, adding good ffos in, and, yes, regular exercise.

I am back to work today and heading to Oslo for a meeting that lasts until Thursday.

I think the trip is a good thing - mentally to be engaged again, and I’ve always enjoyed spending time in Scandinavia.  In addition, I like the project & the people from work who are involved in this meeting.

I’ve also learned through the years how to handle meetings like this in terms of food without going nuts.  I eat my regular ‘at home’ breakfast while indulging in lots of fruits (and avoiding the pastries) and try to make a few simple rules like skipping the bread at meals and having only fruit at coffee breaks.  I usually try to be sane with desserts too - I think this trip I’ll allow myself one dessert and the rest of the time have fruit, but more than anything I will eat with the intention of losing weight and try to be both flexible and gentle on myself.

I won’t have much chance to exercise - we have pretty brutal schedules at these meetings (breakfast meetings at 7am, working sessions until about 7pm, then a group dinner at 8, back in the hotel around 11 or 11:30 to start it again the next day).  I haven’t been back to the pool in 2 weeks, but hope to head back this weekend. I am also going to investigate a new gym that’s opened near my house.  Gyms in Paris are usually horribly dirty, smelly, crowded, ugly and HOT (no air conditioning!) in addition to being at least twice as expensive as what I paid for a beautiful gym in the States, but this one is in a big American chain hotel, and they probably have to be up to American standards.  This one seems to have larger hours than typical French gyms too…  It’s at least worth checking out.

In the mean time, I think I’m going to start to work on my abs again.  I haven’t done my ab exercises in a LONG time and in addition to jelly-belly, I feel the weakness in my back, and that is enough to push me into action.  So I’d like to do some of the ab exercises twice this week, maybe once in Oslo.

On the weight front, my scale showed one pound down today - don’t know if it’s real or not (guessing not - I’ve not been good these past few days) but I’ll take it.

I know I have a legitimate right to feel sad and angry in the light of this ectopic pregnancy, but I am kind of sick of feeling sorry for myself too, and I think that’s a good thing.  I wouldn’t say I’m “moving on” or “putting it behind me” but it’s gradually becoming just another chapter in the narrative of my life.

I’m going back to work on Monday, even though part of me would love to just stay home under the covers for another month or seven, I know most of me will be better off and happier with a more normal structure and life.

The indulgence “poor me” eating has been limited but still present, and that needs to end too.  Yesterday I had a Starbucks Vanilla Frappucino because it is sweet and soothing and not for any other reason.  Usually I can pass on that kind of thing but yesterday I sought it out, knowing that it was a kind of “final farewell” to that kind of excess calories.  I need to get back to exercise too.  One step at a time, however.  I’ll do some walking this weekend, head back to work next week, and  hopefully by the week after be able to combine the two.

I kind of wish I was writing about something other than my ectopic pregnancy, but since it is the central issue in my life right now, and preoccupying my every waking thought, I think what I’m actually wishing for is for this to be completely behind me.  Which it is not.  Actually, even better would be that it had never happened, and that I was either just normally disappointed by another negative pregnancy test, or in the pure-fantasy realm, that I was actually successfully pregnant.  But since that’s not my reality it’s pretty sick and morbid for me to be playing the “what if” and “why me” game…

I saw the doctor today and he didn’t have many answers nor much comfort.  I was seriously annoyed that my husband didn’t offer to come with me.  I know he is very busy and has cancelled a lot of appointments already, and that it was not a decision-making appointment, but I was pretty upset that he has cast me as overreacting, overemotional and a general pain in the butt because I think he should have offered to come.  I probably would have told him not to bother, that I could handle it on my own, but the truth is physically it was hard to get there (I’ve been mainly lounging around since Thursday, and the visit to my doctor was the biggest outing I’ve made in days by about 10-fold).  Of course, it’s really the emotional side that has me upset - the feeling that to be sad about this is somehow weak or abnormal…  I would say that 80-90% of the time I’m okay, but not always, and while that not-okay time is acceptable to me, to my husband it’s much less so.

I am still bleeding and still have pain every day, although it’s generally less strong, and the moments of severe pain are less frequent.  My doctor was a little concerned that I am still having pain however, so I have yet another ultrasound scheduled with a super-specialist on Thursday evening.  And my blood test is on Thursday morning, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that the numbers finally drop as they should.  My doc also gave me the name of a good psychologist (and bonus - she speaks English!) to talk to about my “difficult path” — which was on one side good (I do think I could use someone to talk to) and also made me sad to see me officially categorized into the “difficult path” group (even if I know it to be true).

I’m off work this week (and yesterday’s outing to the doctor showed me that I could NOT handle working right now).  In theory I go back to work on Monday and I think I should be okay at that point.  Right now I am trying to get back into more of a normal rhythym - at least for part of the day by checking my work email and doing some teleconferences.  But I’m still leaving plenty of time for sleeping, watching Sopranos, and taking it easy.  If I still feel lousy at the end of the week I’ll need to make a decision about work next week - I have a 4 day meeting in Oslo so I can’t really be on the fence and go to that.  I’m hoping that the recovery continues gradually and that all is clear on Thusday’s tests.

My doc said I can walk and swim when I feel up to it so I’m hoping to add some activity back in by the weekend.  Meanwhile I am trying HARD not to turn to comfort foods, which is pretty much working.  I’ve been drinking a lot of tea and filling up on the end of summer fruits.  Scale shows I’m down 2 pounds right now, but my body is still clearly out of whack so I’m not putting too much stock into that yet.

Thanks for the comments and virutal hugs.