213
Getting back on track, Weigh-In April 15th, 2008I knew I was heavier than I have been in many years.
I knew that almost none of my clothes fit.
I knew that even though I felt huge and unhealthy and unattractive at 202 pounds that I had to be weighing even more now.
I knew that my wedding and engagement rings are very tight and from time to time I had pain or numbness in my ring finger from my fingers being too fat…
And still, last week when I stepped on the scale to “face the music” I was horrified and shocked to see the number looking back at me : 213.
How did I get here again? I am not living the same life that had me hiding from everything behind massive amounts of adipose tissue. I am happily married now. I am living a life I only dreamed about before. I have an almost fairy-tale-come-true lifestyle now, living in Paris, married to a really wonderful guy, enough money to not have to worry too much about money, a job that most of the time I find rewarding, good health, etc.
Why am I doing this to myself?
Why have I gained about 35 pounds since I met my husband? Why has that weight been gained in the past 9 months? Why has it continued to drift upwards?
At 185 I am not a skinny woman in anyone’s stretch of the imagination, but I am relatively healthy and for the most part I feel reasonably attractive. Granted, it’s hard to find clothes that fit when you live in Paris and weigh 185, and you’re almost always the fattest woman in a room, but still, it wasn’t so bad… And from time to time I did get my weight down to the mid 170’s in the past few years.
But I blasted through that 195 upper barrier last Fall and since January I guess I’ve been soaring to new heights.
I had such a huge shock with the 213 number that I couldn’t even imagine a week ago being willing to update a ticker or admit my new current weight until I got things somewhat under control.
It did help me push myself into action, and I’ve been trying to keep myself more aware (and motivated) by getting on the scale more often.
But denial isn’t going to help set things straight, so I’m acknowledging where I am. And I’m determined to make 213, 212 and the entire 2-something family history before too long.
But I’m hoping that remembering how awful 213 was stays with me for a while — it was WAY too easy to end up here this time….
April 15th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Good Blog. I will continue reading it in the future. Nice layout too.
Aaron Wakling
April 15th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Sarah
Please be gentle with yourself. You’ve listed all the good things in your life which is wonderful - keep those in mind to motivate you! But please don’t forget all the stressful things you’ve gone through in the last few months (and are still going through?). As much as we’d like to think “we’re handling it”, all those stressors affect us.
I’m struggling with some personal things right now too and I feel it taking the energy from all of my being-healthy goals.
Best of luck in getting back on track!
April 15th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
I feel that I am in the same boat, quite literally on the weight side of things, too. I don’t have any answers, but I thought if you knew someone else was out there feeling the same way, you might not feel like your the only, lonely one. I’m starting to think I might need to micromanage again, as in planning ahead exactly what I will eat, and then having to be accountable for it at the end of the day. I sincerely feel that that would be a terrible way to live, but perhaps it’s a way to start?
April 15th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
ps. I can spell, it’s you’re not your!
April 16th, 2008 at 11:07 am
If it’s any comfort, I seem to have tossed my weight goals overboard a long time ago - even though, like you, I’m at a place in my life where I have reason to feel more happy and confident than I have in years. Maybe being overweight and relatively happy despite it, rather than overweight and miserable, can be considered a step forward?
I think self-sabotage can have as much to do with lack of direction as lack of motivation, so perhaps you could consider a new approach to weight loss when you feel ready to get back into the ring.
April 17th, 2008 at 6:53 am
All I can say is I feel you Round.
As I slipped into a shift this morning because my jeans were too tight made me sad, mad and hopeless. Yet, I still managed to eat like crap today.
Self sabotage is scary - but very real.
Here’s to a better day Round. For both of us.
April 17th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I know it’s frustrating when that neeedle creeps up after working so hard to get it to go down, but just remember this is only a starting place. What happened in the past cannot be changed but you can control your future. You have been so successful in the past and such a great source of inspiration to others. We’re here to help you.
Brandie
April 17th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
This boat we’re all in is getting full. I’m depressed, disgusted and would BUY willpower if I could find it in a store.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
I agree.
I too have managed to be at my highest ever weight. But I am plnning go only down from here.
We will do it.
love,
iniya
April 18th, 2008 at 1:20 am
Hang in there. I know that seems trite to say but that’s really all we can do. Pray and think about the blessings in your life and concentrate on the good stuff. You’ve had a rough time lately so be nice to yourself. You can’t change the past but you can focus on the future and change that. hugs and prayers, lillie
April 18th, 2008 at 2:38 am
I am there too! If I lived in Paris I would weigh 250 by now! Keep up the fight. I am going to reflect more on my sad progress and I will keep trying different things until it starts working.