Round

My DH’s surgery today went well, and it’s now behind us. Sure, he’ll be in the hospital for a while and will be in pain and then when he gets off the morphine will probably be grouchy because he can’t do everything he wants, but the worst is over and the surgeon said that it was a success (granted, who’s ever heard a surgeon say otherwise? Not I…)

I have been nervous-eating for a few days but my excuses are going away and feeling like a bloated slug is getting old.

The good news is that the hospital is not on a direct metro line so it’s a 15-20 minute train ride (with a change) plus a 5 minute walk to get there, so I just walk it directly which only takes 20 minutes and gives me a small amount of exercise, 40 minutes walking daily guaranteed for at least a week. Not bad.

I’m thinking of doing some of the exercises around Preparing to Lose Weight over the coming days. I have some of these collected from prior attempts and some newsletters, plus I have the Beck Diet Solution book that I might dip into. I figure some good thinking might help get my mind ready to force my body into action.

I’ve been overeating again most days this week.Today I had about 10 inches of French bread w butter and quince jam.  Then I had lunch of soba noodle soup at a Japanese place and 2 clementines and some chocolate…  And even though I’m not hungry right now I’m thinking of what else I can eat.  Did I mention that the fat pants are too tight again?  I’m hoping a lot of this is stress, and that after Monday I will not have that excuse anymore because my husband’s surgery will be in the past & hopefully everything will have passed smoothly.  

I spent yesterday finishing a major work project that has been hanging over my head since November. It was not an interesting project nor was it of particular importance, but it required a lot of time and had to get done and I’d put it off to the last possible minute because I considered it unpleasant.

It turned out to not be nearly as bad as I’d feared - not as much work, not as complicated, not as time-consuming. Just starting out in the morning was really hard for me, but once I got going I was able to accomplish one step, then another, then a break, another, etc all day long. I didn’t finish until 8:30pm but considering I expected to spend 2 full days on it that was okay.

It occurred to me later when I was cooking to relax at the end of the day (wow, can we say progress- I used to NEVER cook!) that this stupid work project was a pretty good analogy to starting to again lose weight.

I’ve built up losing weight into this huge gigantic project in my head. Maybe I just need to start and not worry about putting together a project plan.

A friend suggested I do 5 minutes of exercise on my dust-ridden elliptical machine. She had just bought one and was excited to have it. I commented that I never use mine. Bought with the best of intentions, of course. And quickly abandoned.

So yesterday evening waiting for my DH to make it home I hopped on with a book in hand and reset the timer from when I used to go one hour… a lifetime ago…

5 minutes was HARD for me. I must have looked at the clock every 15 seconds or so. I felt my thighs burning and was breathing hard. Wow I am so out of shape.

But 5 minutes is 5 minutes more than I’ve done of serious exercise in a long time, and I was really happy with myself for doing it.

Back in November I decided to start counting my exercise time towards a goal. I am currently walking for exercise I chose to measure in miles. Since I’m very interested in the Basque country, and we had a weekend planned there in February, I chose Bilbao Spain as my destination. So I’m walking to Bilbao.

Bilbao is 462 miles from Paris (my home). Some of you suggested I makes some stops along the way, which I found to be a big improvement to my original plan. This is my third stop in my virtual tour, and this time I’m marking the miles walked to where I could have gone - because Nancy is the opposite direction of Bilbao. But since it’s a virtual walk it’s really easy to change direction whenever you want!

We also canceled the real-life weekend in Bilbao. It was supposed to be this weekend, leaving on Friday, but we had an IUI and my DH has been sick so there was just no way for us to get away right now. We’ll book it for another time, no doubt after I’ve EARNED it! Once I started walking towards this goal I realized it would be pretty hard to make it halfway there before the trip, so I’ll really feel it’s worth it once I’ve walked my 462 miles before getting there.

During this week while walking to appointments and adding up little 15 minute walks I made it to 176 miles, so I decided to give myself a “stop” here and find out a little something about Nancy France, a town I’ve never been too but that I’ve heard about several times.

Nancy is in the Lorraine region of France, towards the German border. During WWII the Germans claimed this region (plus Alsace) as part of the German state and thus spared it much destruction in the war.

The city is listed as Unesco world heritage site, largely due to the Art Nouveau architecture. It looks over-the-top but pretty as is typical of this style.

I love art and architecture, so this city looks like a really great place for me to visit and looks small enough to do easily in a weekend. I would love to visit this museum.

And food? Each time I “stop” in a new town we look at the local foods - and with Nancy we will not be disapointed. This is the home of Quiche Lorraine, created in 1586, and adding to the waistlines of the French and the rest of the world ever since.

It’s a rich egg quiche in a rich crust, traditionally made with egg, bacon and cream and in modern times sometimes with cheese. When you add onions it is no longer Quiche Lorraine, it becomes Quiche Alsacienne (the region next door).

Nancy also claims to have invented a type of Macaron but this is not a debate I think is worth getting into.

Macaroon cookies (which are not the shredded-coconut sugar bombs of the US) are in my mind an over-rated cookie. The ones in Paris that make everyone ga-ga are in fact it’s two macaron cookies (like the ones in Nancy) filled with a cream-butter-sugar filling flavored with something and thus made into a little sandwich. The flavors have gotten very creative in recent years but to me they are still not fabulous… Although they are pretty, look:

Finally, my heart lept with joy when I read that Nancy (well, the region around Nancy) is the home of my favorite little Mirabelle plums. These little plums are incredible - sweet, tasty, flavorful and fragile. They are only around for a few weeks and rather expensive. I suspect they are too fragile and too scarce to really make it into the global food chain of exportation and unity and I am so grateful to live in a country where they are available to me for a few weeks every year. I buy big sacks of them whenever I see them in the summer and we eat them very fast.

Some people make tarts and jam from them but we always just eat them plain. They’re about the size of cherries and pure fresh fruit heaven! Each one usually packs the flavor of the best plum you’ve ever had - they’re fabulous. Unlike Quiche Lorraine or Macarons, you don’t need to hold yourself back with these treats around - delicious!

I read a bunch of different sites but think this New York Times article is among the best for those looking for more info.

I am far from being able to say I’m back in the swing of things, but a few healthy habits are coming back.

Yesterday I spent the whole day with my DH in an impromptu but wonderful day together just the two of us. It was really nice. We started with brunch in a fabulous cafe at Saint Germain, then did some jewelery window shopping at Place Vendome, bought his late Christmas present, did some household shopping for lamps and kitchen stuff near Madeleine, then headed to an exhibition that closes soon - the line was too long so we saw something else at the same place, which was fun because it was spontaneous. We talked about maybe seeing a movie but the timing was off and nothing he wanted to see was showing but Juno was - and I wanted to see it so he went home and I saw a movie, then we had dinner and watched a classic on DVD later. It was a really nice day, especially so because it was all spontaneous and unexpected, and also because this was the weekend we were supposed to be away together in Bilbao - but we had canceled earlier this week due to the IUI on Friday (when we’d have been on the plane) and just too much stress in general to be able to enjoy getting away for a weekend.

The only thing I didn’t do that I had wanted to was go for a walk - but that’s okay, the day was great I don’t regret it in the least.

Today I hit the market for a few things, and am now well-stocked for the week. I even just cooked up 2 heads of broccoli and am making a soup of Jerusalem artichokes so I’ll have that around too. I cut up pineapple and bought clementines and hopefully that will keep me on the healthy-snacking course for the next few days.

The sun is again shining brightly and I think I’m going to head out for a walk instead of dealing with a work project I should be doing…

I am one of those people who is very susceptible to sunshine.  If the sun is shining I automatically have a better day.  When it’s not, it’s more of a struggle.  That the sun is shining bright (but cold) here in Paris this morning is in line with my generally positive and upbeat attitude this morning.

Thank you all for so many helpful and supportive comments this week.

Things have gone better towards the end of the week.  My DH started to feel a little better and had some more tests (CAT scan, etc) and was deemed fit for surgery and a good candidate for the laproscopic procedure (which is a much easier recovery than the open surgery).  His pain got better late in the week, and his “deposit” was A+ quality yesterday morning.  The IUI went smoothly, great timing, great numbers, and now it’s out of our hands (but all wishes, hopes and prayers are welcome!!!).  Job stuff continued about the same and other than being lazy and therefore behind on some assignments it’s nothing major.

I am going to go for a nice long walk today, after brunch with my DH and a little shopping trip to finally get his Christmas present (he was the procrastinator, not I!).  I will try to return to eating reasonably this week, and to consistently keeping the food diary (I’ve been off and on with that).  The market is tomorrow and I’ll buy broccoli and some stuff for soup and clementines and a few other things.  Maybe apples for applesauce…   I’d like to find a bit of time today to find a recipe to try tonight or tomorrow, I’m really liking this cooking thing!

I am very thankful for your supportive comments. Just realizing that I was on the wrong path was a big help - today I managed to eat better than I have in the past few days, in part because I was able to see the approach wasn’t working. Maybe that’s one benefit those of us who’ve spent years struggling with our weight have - an ability to see what is not going to work and change approaches quickly.

The truth is I am feeling a lot of stress right now. I have really tried to manage my stress - I’ve had a lot of lovely long walks in the past few days, and I’ve done some cooking (one of my goals for the year). I saw 2 friends over the weekend, which is huge considering that I rarely see one friend a month.

So why am I stressed? Because the fat pants are tight again? Not really, although that’s certainly not helping. No, the stress is coming in multiple directions. The job stress is still present - not liking my current job very much, still up in the air for a potential job change - and in my view the longer it’s taking the less likely it is…

But that’s just part of it.

We’re trying to get pregnant again, and doing injectable drugs to stimulate ovulation (extra eggs) and an insemination on Friday. So the drugs (hormones) alone could be making me batty, and the high-tech medical procedures surely increase daily stress, plus the extra pressure that trying to conceive puts on you in general. Not to mention that the last time we did this I did get pregnant but later miscarried… So I’m full of home, hormones and fear.

And to add to that my DH is sick. Pretty seriously sick. I mean, it’s treatable, manageable, and I’m grateful for that. He has had bad diverticulitis attacks for over 6 months now and is basically on antibiotics for 2 weeks every 2-3 weeks. When he has an attack he has really bad abdominal pain and a risk of the infection getting carried away and rupturing in his intestines and sending bad nasty bacteria all over which may or may not respond later to antibiotics after emergency surgery. Ok, that’s the worst case scenario, but every attack the risk is there, and this one is a doozy. He has surgery scheduled for the 25th as a preventative thing - to remove the part of his intestine where all this is happening. He chose the end of February for this surgery almost 6 months ago over my vigorous protests (I wanted him to have it sooner) and now that he’s got another monster attack he might have to put it off, or end up having emergency surgery (which is much more dangerous). I am worried about him and also in the “anger” phase because I thought this might happen if he put the surgery off until the last possible moment…. And he is really suffering, in considerable pain, very tired, unable to concentrate, relax or get comfortable. He doesn’t have a fever and the pain is just at the level to tolerate … but every day he tells me if it gets worse he’ll go to the hospital. It’s not getting worse, but not getting better either. It’s frustrating, and it’s hard to be smiley and upbeat and helpful to him all the time.

I’m being honest here on this blog so I’ll also confess to this - I’m annoyed that he let it get to this point because he didn’t want to take the time to have the surgery earlier, and I’m annoyed he’s having this crisis NOW. I am taking high-power (and expensive) injections every night to help US have a baby, and right now the odds are 50/50 that he’s not in the hospital when he’s supposed to be giving his “deposit” for our insemination on Friday morning… I guess I’m very selfish to think of myself and our TTC journey when he’s suffering.

Well, that’s the context for me right now. Weight loss is still something I’m going to accomplish in 2008, but it’s not a priority right now…

Keeping the food journal on the blog didn’t work — too much effort to consolidate at the end of the day, and when I didn’t have a half hour I just didn’t do it at all…

I’m going back to paper tomorrow.

Today was a more normal day. I also got a wake-up call on my fitness (well, lack of fitness) because I had an appointment on the 8th floor of an apartment building and the elevator was out of service. In my defense 8th floor here would be 9th floor in America - a full 8 flights of stairs. I was super winded and my legs were burning. I was dying to stop to catch my breath but as I was with a colleague I didn’t want to wimp out… I felt mighty out of shape. I guess the good news is that she didn’t notice my heavy breathing because she was catching her own breath…

My appetite was more normal today… is that because the DH is home? Who knows. I did think the comment that maybe what I was hungry for was my DH’s presence was a clever one.

For Thursday 7th February

Breakfast (8:30am) :

• Ate : Muesli w yogurt
• Hunger :medium
• Environment : home, relaxed
• Appreciation : good. My standard muesli is better than the strawberry one. I was too lazy to chop up the almonds so I threw them in whole - not the best idea…
• Leave something leftover : YES! I left a bite

Lunch (1:00pm):

• Ate : croque madame (like a grilled cheese sandwich but less greasy) salad, french fries
• Hunger : high
• Environment : restaurant with colleague. What I ordered wasn’t the healthiest choice but it was the closest to what I was in the mood for. My colleague (well, she’s a direct report) gave me bad news about her health 3/4 through the meal and that killed my appetite.
• Appreciation : nothing was very good. The best was the fried egg on top of the sandwich. The fries were pretty tasty but I only ate a few - I am not normally a huge french fries person, so 2 days in a row is extremely rare for me, and I was quickly over them. The salad was terrible - some kind of cheap industrial salad dressing and too much of it - I had one bite and stopped.
• Leave something leftover : Yes, I left maybe 1/8 of the sandwich, over half the fries, most of the salad.

Snack (5:00pm)

• Ate : small mug of Special K with milk
• Hunger : medium
• Environment : standing in the kitchen about to run out to an appointment. It was not eating for hunger, it was eating because it was there (I don’t usually buy this cereal because of that…). I maybe was afraid of getting hungry later…
• Appreciation : high
• Leave something leftover : no

Dinner (8:00pm)

• Ate : one hotdog bun with 2 hotdogs in it. Bowl of tomato soup. 3 clementines. Small yogurt w sugar on it.
• Hunger : high
• Environment : dining room, with DH and DSS
• Appreciation : moderate. I think I ate too fast to really pay attention. We eat hotdogs rarely (I’ve eaten more hotdogs since I’ve known my DH than in my whole life up until 4 years ago put together). In our defense, the hotdogs are made by the local butcher, they are not industrial ones. It’s one of my DH & DSS’s favorite meals, and my DH did the “cooking”. I added soup to have some veggies. I skipped the second hotdog bun.
• Leave something leftover : oops…

I’m also planning to have some dark chocolate later tonight. I am reasonable with chocolate portions (that’s why I buy the dark stuff & very good quality). There won’t be any of my portion leftover!

I’m considering this week a stabilization period, I’ll try to get back to focusing on losing next week.