J. M. was here yesterday to drop off her little girl to swim with J. and she looked great!

She said she’s lost about 20 lbs. - she’s been taking some pills from that doctor in L____.

She’s almost got me talked into trying them. I told her the last time I took weight loss

 pills, they made my heart feel funny. She told me she has a heart murmur anyway, and

they had not affected her adversely….. I don’t know.

Right now, I’m doing ok on the diet, it’s the good time of the month for that, but I’m

tempted to try them when the cravings start to hit again….we’ll see.

I’ve actually not been eating much the last couple of days (not good!) ‘cos, no energy to

exercise! I mean, I still go walking but I don’t run as much.

 My diet has gone pretty good today but it’s mainly from stress.

So, the rest of this post won’t have much “diet” news. Instead, since I’m here quite often, and especially as concerning my TOM - when my hormones make me go totally haywire, I am going to leave myself a few “NOTES”

Song for the day: Pschisophrenic Psycho by Puddle of Mudd (yes, that’s a real song)

Where TOM is concerned,

1. DON’T TAKE THINGS SO SERIOUSLY!!!  because - No one else takes them anywhere near as serious as you - by “you” I mean “me” I”m talking to myself.

2. WHATEVER YOU MENTION, DON’T MENTION YOUR “the C word” again!!!             

(it can cause near-death experiences)

3. Learn to “compartmentalize” the people in my life…..what works with one will not work with all. OH! I’ve got so much to learn! You’d think I’d be smarter than this at …nearly 40!!

And just a closing thought…….Hormones can be deadly!

Be afraid……………..Be VERY afraid!

 I think there must be something about writing stuff down that you intend to do as opposed to just thinking it…or thinking you will remember it. I mean, at the time, I THINK I will remember something just as easily as if I take the time to write it down, but inevitably I forget. Right now, I’m speaking of exercise. I determined to do a short bit (at least) every day and then yesterday, I didn’t do any at all. I thought about it several times, but always had something else I had to do….sigh.

Ok, I wrote that this morning. Since then I emailed L. She has been my accountability person before. Here’s the plan I came up with: I need to gain discipline. so, I vowed to exercise at least 20 minutes a day and 50 crunches. (I made it easy enough anyone, even me! shoule be able to stick with that) and for the “diet” part, one simple rule for now: EVERYTHING must be measured and recorded. That’s all! I can have anything, but it must be measured and accounted for!

 So, here we go!!! Let’s hope this works!!

This is starting to worry me - it’s like, every morning, I intend to do better, then I go right back to my old ways of eating and overeating.

 This morning, for instance, I had a grapefruit, but nothing else really sounded good, so I didn’t eat anything else right then. Then later, I baked bisquits for the kids and they looked soooooo good, I caved and had a couple with butter and jelly. So here I am again, I have no idea how many calories I consumed - yes, I could try to figure it out, dig the bisquit can out of the trash and guesstimate how many T’s of butter and jelly I slathered on…..I don’t really want to just “give up” but that feels like what I’m doing anyway. I did get some inspiration this morning reading someone else’s blog and I did some exercise - precious little but better than I had been doing….

The kids are stressing me out so much it is not even funny! I never really thought I’d long for the day N moves out…but I’m there. I admit it. And he’s only 14. God help me.

Let’s see….the bright side of things….

1) Only 65 days until school starts!! (if I get the job at the school, it will help my financial stress immensely!)

2) “Thank You God……for YOU!!!” W/O You, I don’t know what I’d do! Honestly!!!

3) Thank You God….for friends…and one very special friend in particular. Thank You so much!!!

Well, I looked back, and it seems the “madness” started exactly one month ago - when those devils introduced me to chocolate chip pancakes - on May 11!

This led to roughly 15 days of being pretty much “off the wagon” followed by roughly 8 days of “being good” …..hmmm. Yep, I’m gonna have to look up some stuff on the subject of “self control” ….at this rate, I’ll never lose this weight!

I’m off the freakin’ wagon again.

I feel so crappy…just want to go to bed and sleep it off.

As soon as I post this I’m gonna look back and see if it’s really been a month since this happened before…it’s my cycle…but it don’t seem like it’s been long enough since….

I’m scared to death to weigh tomorrow.

…the thought actually crossed my mind to try to find some things to read on self control from a spiritual viewpoint. For starters, that little tract from years ago at our church, The Harness of the Lord. Maybe I should look that up again. After all, Jesus said “deny yourSELF, take up your CROSS, and follow Me….maybe that’s the key to my eating (overeating) problem….among OTHER things in my life right now…..hmmmmm.

And on top of all that….

T is at a concert. Blue Oyster Cult. And will be until late tonight his time.

“AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!”

I was thinking about this today…as I fried tater tots - not good enough to put them on a cookie sheet in the oven, they turn out kind of dry that way. yuck. No, I prefer them crispy and oil-soaked. To my credit, I have only scarfed about 4 or 5 of them so far! I was actually making them to go on top of the casserole we are having for supper tonight.

 I have been on such a roller coaster ride lately…well, in all honesty, most of my life! My weight has been a contsant “thang” I’ve had to deal with….or chosen to deal with…at times ignored, and got fatter….or did something about, spent loads of money, lost some weight, salivating to eat again the whole time….OH!! the absolute madness of it all!!!

I would like to be free to eat what EVER I wanted at any given time…but again, to be honest, I don’t really want to OVEREAT. I guess I would if you could overeat and not feel like you’d overeaten…but since that’s not how it is….I would like to be able to eat certain “bad” foods, in MODERATION (that has got to be the vilest word ever devised of man!!! How I hate it!!!!) “Moderation, I HATE YOU, ….but, I guess you’re neccessary.”

I know that I FEEL better when I eat according to …say, Gillian McKeith’s plan ….or The Daniel Fast….i.e. Whole foods, nothing artificial, no additives, basically no bad stuff whatso! And sometimes (based on monthly hormonal changes, individual outcomes may vary, results not typical, void where prohibited, many will enter..few will win…) wait a MINUTE! What was I talking about???

oh yes, SOMETIMES, this approach is ok…I am happy to graze through the day on herbs and twigs, splashed with Balsamic Vinegar…..but other times, I just want to eat PIZZA!!! Deep Pan, Pepperoni Lover’s Extra Cheese with mounds of Parmesan on top….sigh. How to strike a happy balance???

Can the twain ever meet???

I am so sick of this belly!! (on the one hand) but…..I am so in love with FOOD!! (on the other) God help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can’t remember exactly what I had during the day,

evening: bunch of stuff, none of it too healthy.

peanut butter toast

eggs (3 whites, 1 yolk)

hot dog, hamburger, pea salad, potato salad, baked beans

 3 hot dogs, a few Doritos, Mountain Dew, Brownies

Coffee