All in all I am still doing all right. Not as fab as I would like… I am struggling a bit and am having a few more days where I don’t eat as well as I know I should. But overall I am ahead of the game and losing pretty consistently. As of this morning, My overall loss reached 74 pounds. So, I can’t complain.

I know that it is mental and emotional stress that is fueling my inappropriate eating. I am eating enough… Getting enough calories and nutrients. But the shit going down in my personal life would like to totally derail me and send me spiralling back into the oblivion of gaining and eating like there is no tomorrow. I am really struggling against that. Hard. And most days I am winning.

I also think that after shedding 74 pounds (I still have about 204 to go to my 140 goal…) my bod is asking it’s self if it is over yet and can it eat and plump back up, again.

Uh… No. It can not.

Due to severe chest wall strain and inflammation, I am unable to work out. I went to the ER on October 22nd with chest pain and difficulty breathing and unable to draw a deep breath. I was really afraid. The doc ordered tests to rule out MI and a clot in my lung. And it turned out all that was the result of muscle strain. So, I take a lot of Advil and can’t do too much or exercise. I tried, last week and ended up in pain and unable to breathe, again. This injury is going to be a long, slow time healing.

I am still losing, in spite of not being able to exercise. I suppose, at my very high weight, (344 as of this morning) just lowering my calories as I do will result in lost weight. I am looking forward to being able to exercise, again one day. I was really getting into it and enjoying it. And I miss it. Okay, I can’t believe I just said that…

Okay, here is how things shaped up since I last posted here:

10/11: 1225 calories. A good day, eating wise. Got exercise walking around and shopping.

10/12: 1471 calories. No exercise noted in my food journal.

10/13: Turned out to be a bad day. Approximate calories were: 2700.

10/14: 1293 calories. 20 minutes of cardio.

10/15: A really bad day… approx. 3000 calories. 30 minutes of cardio in the morning.

10/16: 1312. 40 minutes of cardio.

10/17: 1457. 40 minutes of cardio.

10/18: 1182. 40 minutes of cardio.

10/19: 1420. No exercise noted in food journal.

10/20: 1565.      ”

10/21: 1412.      ”

10/22: Totally off track. That was the day of my ER visit and I was feeling sorry for myself. Silly…

10/23: 1095. No exercise, thanks to my injury.

10/24: 2005. A fast food type of day… We had to go to the Valley and I was craving Long John Silvers. Not exactly what I should have done, after all, I had access to Subway. Or salads.

10/25: 1236.

10/26: 1036.

10/27: 1326.

10/28: 1240.

10/29: 2330. Sigh… There were my favourite chips in the house. And I had noodles and a doughnut. Major disconnect.

10/30: 1126.

10/31: 1280. I don’t have small children and we don’t get Trick-or-Treaters, so no Hallowe’en candy around the house. Or, I would have likely eaten every damned bit of it. I am really struggling with staying on track, here.

11/1: 1605. Still struggling with control. I have a lot of work to do. Too many pretzels, no matter how low fat is still too many fracking pretzels. Dammit!

11/2: 1156.

11/3: Total feeding frenzy. I didn’t even attempt to note everything ingested and the approx. calories.

11/4: 1476.

11/5: 1575. Creeping up… Loosing sense of control. How do I expect to lose this weight and ultimately keep it off if I can’t learn control. This is going to be a long, hard lesson, indeed.

11/6: 1495.

11/7: Another totally fucked up day of eating. This is happening waaay too often. I need to get my shit together.

11/8: 1035. Better. But calories were a bit too low. I just wasn’t hungry and I was having a bad day. I was stressed and feeling a bit fragile. Yeah… It was a bad day.

Today, so far I am on track and feeling good about it. I am hoping to maintain that momentum and move forward.

Okay, since the 5th… I have been pretty well on track, except for the 6th. I had a bit of a feeding frenzy. Not a real binge, but I did go a bit overboard. Calories ended up in the 2700 range. It is hard to go all out and binge my head off when there isn’t much junky stuff around and I just don’t have the stomach capacity I used to. Guess I shouldn’t bitch, huh?

Calories for:

7th: 1195

8th: 1309

9th: 1283

10th: Duh! Today is the 10th. Anybody have a new brain that they aren’t using, just lying around? If you would care to donate it, please, give me a shout.

I am also doing well with exercise. I am exercising as often as I can. I had to lay back for a couple of days because of my stupid knee and one day I only got about half of a cardio session because my plagued In-laws couldn’t park themselves downstairs to save their lives that day. Up and down the stairs, with then, doing their stuff and I had no privacy or peace, not even for one stupid little hour. Grrr…

I am getting a teensy bit more fit, tho. Today, my 40 minute cardio session was a little easier to get through and I was able to ramp up my intensity a bit. I had a sweat going when I finished. I am keeping it in the 30 to 50 minute range for a while longer. I am not interested in doing physical harm to myself. And, while I am already doing and feeling so much better thanks to my 58 pounds off, so far, I am aware that I am still very obese and that to over stress myself could be a problem.

Okay, I just looked at what I just wrote. I have lost 58 pounds, so far. Yes, I still have a looong way to go. But I have already made a significant dent in that journey. I am hoping to be below 300 very early in the new year. Then I will really feel as if I am cooking with gas.

I had a good, on track day, yesterday. Calories were: 1421.

Am I slowing my progress with this higher target range? 

I don’t know…

I am nicely on track, no major problems since my binge-blowout last Monday.

I am eating a little more calories daily. I have been settling into a range that goes up to about 1600 a day. I am kind of happy at a higher range tho I do feel rather panicky. A part of me fears that I am slowly spiraling out of control, letting my intake get higher and higher until I am once again, eating like there is no tomorrow and gaining all this back and adding more. I felt more secure, more tightly in control at 1200 but, I was often coming in lower than that and that isn’t a good thing. I want to nourish my bod as well as lose the weight.

Calories for the 1st: 1341

Calories for the 2nd: 1558

Calories for the 3rd: 1435

Am I doing the right thing? I think perhaps I am… That a little higher level will be more beneficial to me, in the long run. I do feel as if I am losing… My bod feels smaller. Looser, squishier. My pants are getting baggier, too. I hope that this shows on the scale on Monday morning. I would like to log a nice pound loss for my TBL team, as well as myself.

Exercise. *Sigh* I am trying. And doing pretty well. Or at least I was, until my left knee started screaming bloody murder, again. I have rested it for two days and will likely do it tomorrow, too. Hopefully I can hit it on Monday, again. Believe it or not, I actually miss exercising.

Oh, I had hubbie pick up a can of pure pumpkin at the store, today. I am going to try it, see if I like it. If so, it will become a part of my menu. I like pumpkin pie… I like squash… I adore sweet potatoes. In fact, I am roasting a couple, right now. I think I will like the pumpkin. I am planning to heat it, stir in ICBINBS and some pepper a little salt.

I am also roasting boneless, skinless chicken breasts. I prepare a big package at a time and eat off it for days. I just line a baking sheet with Release foil, spray with Pam, season with Lawry’s, pepper and paprika. Sometimes I splash on some lemon juice first. Spray with Pam, flip and repeat. Bake in a 350 oven until done. Yum. Delish hot or cold, in salads or sandwiches. I also blanched and froze some broccoli and cauliflower. I’m not much of a cook, but I can manage these things pretty well.

Today has been a lovely, lovely day! Cool, cloudy, windy a little rain. It felt so Fallish. I am sad that it is supposed to clear up, warm up and get back to the low eighties, by the middle of the week. There are a few leaves turning yellow on my oaks. I *heart* Autumn.

Music: Angry ~~ Matchbox 20.

Want to hear something funny? That binge the other day? I estimated the caloric damage. It came to a grand total of 2500 calories. And that was making a high estimation on a couple of things. Geesh! I can’t even binge right, anymore.

I suppose I shouldn’t be bitching too much… I didn’t do near the damage I had thought I did.

Yesterday I was on track… Did 40 minutes of cardio and got a total of 1211 calories.

Today was another good on track day. I got in 50 minutes of cardio and glommed down a total of 1341 calories.

Not too shabby, if I do say so, myself.

Tuesday Afternoon ~~ The Moody Blues.

*shakes head* Sorry… Got lost in my song.

Anyhoo… (Thoughts are all over the place, this morning.)

So, knowing that it was going to be pretty impossible to fight off, I just let the day happen. I figured it would be a little less rough if I just let it roll. So, that is what I did. I figure I ate roughly 3000 or so calories, yesterday. The funny thing is, even on unguarded eating days, like yesterday, I can’t eat like I used to. My stomach just isn’t able to handle the large volumes it used to be able to. So, I eat and have to wait, a long time before I can handle anything else. It is actually kind of funny, when you think about it. At least I think so.

Sp, today, I feel over the whatever it is that rises up in my brain and my heart and causes binge days and I am ready to be back on track and doing well, again. Little harm should have been done, tho I foresee a lot of water in my immediate future. I am already swelling and puffy. Ugh! Sodium explosion, anyone?

Only 3 pounds down. I was hoping for more. Especially considering how many calories I didn’t eat, last week and that I exercised every day. I think part of it is I am retaining some fluid in my legs. They are a bit swollen, this morning. And I am feeling a bit “compacted” if you know what I mean. So, lots of water, some Phillips soft gels and plenty of exercise should rectify it. Too much sodium, last night. I kinda snacked a bit. And I think that is why I am retaining too much fluid.

Ugh. Smart, huh? The night before I weigh in.

Calories for yesterday: 1481. I feel like such a hog.

On the bright side… I have been 17 days binge free.

On track today, too. I got some gentle exercise this weekend. Looking forward to hitting it a little harder, tomorrow. I will be able to carve out enough alone time to do it. it is hard on the weekends, around here.

Calories for yesterday: 1272.

I am right in the 1100 area, right now. Probably will have a light snack later. Maybe.